How do I have feelings for him again?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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Posts: 28
How do I have feelings for him again?
Long story short my ah went to rehab for the second time in our marriage in December 2009. Life was hell before that and I literally had one foot out the door when he totally surprised me and got sober. He has been doing so well for 8 months now. Went through a 60 day program and has been going to AA 3-4 times a week. He is a new person and it is wonderful but I am so afraid it wont last just like the first time. He recently has "feelings" back and has been wanting to be intimate and this is just so hard for me. I am so afraid to trust again and to be honest in 12 years of marriage I have always known him as being drunk. This new person is so different to me. I want to love him and be with him but am just so afraid of giving him my heart again to be let down. How do I let go of this fear and love him again?
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Maybe it would help to just be in the present moment. Instead of awfulizing or romanticizing the future, how about just being grateful that he is sober today? Take what you have right now and be happy that you have it. Maybe tomorrow will be just as good, maybe it won't, but that doesn't negate the now. There are no guarantees in life. All we really have is today. 
L
L
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It takes time for trust to be regained. That's something both partners have to learn during recovery.
There's never any guarantee your heart won't get broken. Perfectly healthy partners get terrible illnesses and die. With eight months sobriety and lots of meetings, it sounds like he's on pretty solid ground. My first husband got sober a year before we got married, and he has 30 years now. We divorced for reasons unrelated to alcoholism, and we are still very good friends today.
AA DOES work miracles, in many cases. Remember, easy does it.
There's never any guarantee your heart won't get broken. Perfectly healthy partners get terrible illnesses and die. With eight months sobriety and lots of meetings, it sounds like he's on pretty solid ground. My first husband got sober a year before we got married, and he has 30 years now. We divorced for reasons unrelated to alcoholism, and we are still very good friends today.
AA DOES work miracles, in many cases. Remember, easy does it.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
Dear H&D
My situation is very similar. My RAH has been sober and working his program for 14 months. Prior to that- there were many relapses and separation and all the hell involved with alcoholism.
There are so many stages of recovery, but the one that changed things for me was forgiving and just letting go of the past.
After the initial getting back together and all the great feeling that go alone with that. And then the resentment set in. (He had apologized, admitted to his wrongs he did all the right things) but I was constantly looking for signs of relapse. If I was having a bad day (which was often), it was easy "remember what you did to me!!!"
But it was so exhausting to be angry and scared all the time. I was still wasting my life.
Finally my RAH had had it. Big fight, HE CRIED, literally tears and quivering chin, I was shocked - I never thought he would shed a tear for our relationship. But he cried "you have to forgive me."
and I did, just like that.
I made the discussion to be with him, and it wasn't fair go on punishing him regardless of what happened in the past.
Our relationship as husband and wife couldn't survive that, but most importantly I couldn't survive it. Feeling that resentment, fear and anger was killing me, making me miserable. So I had to let it go.
I still have to fight away the fear that he may relapse and how that will impact my life. But I except the thought and then just let it float away and carry on with my day.
And I learning to except this new person in my life, he is very different. He talks about God now jeez, never thought that would happen. But it's OK - cause I love this new person.
Have faith and Hope
My situation is very similar. My RAH has been sober and working his program for 14 months. Prior to that- there were many relapses and separation and all the hell involved with alcoholism.
There are so many stages of recovery, but the one that changed things for me was forgiving and just letting go of the past.
After the initial getting back together and all the great feeling that go alone with that. And then the resentment set in. (He had apologized, admitted to his wrongs he did all the right things) but I was constantly looking for signs of relapse. If I was having a bad day (which was often), it was easy "remember what you did to me!!!"
But it was so exhausting to be angry and scared all the time. I was still wasting my life.
Finally my RAH had had it. Big fight, HE CRIED, literally tears and quivering chin, I was shocked - I never thought he would shed a tear for our relationship. But he cried "you have to forgive me."
and I did, just like that.
I made the discussion to be with him, and it wasn't fair go on punishing him regardless of what happened in the past.
Our relationship as husband and wife couldn't survive that, but most importantly I couldn't survive it. Feeling that resentment, fear and anger was killing me, making me miserable. So I had to let it go.
I still have to fight away the fear that he may relapse and how that will impact my life. But I except the thought and then just let it float away and carry on with my day.
And I learning to except this new person in my life, he is very different. He talks about God now jeez, never thought that would happen. But it's OK - cause I love this new person.
Have faith and Hope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: At my computer
Posts: 28
Thank you all for the advise and kind words. I did learn from the first time not to bring up the past and so this time I am not but that doesn't mean I can erase it from my memory ya know? Anyways I am trying hard to live for today and worry about tommorow when it comes. I guess I just have my moments where is is just hard to let go of the fear and the hurt.
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