transformyself

another rant about the neighbors and their kid

Yesterday she was straddling my 12 year old (she's 9) and jumping up and down on him while he laid on the floor. I silently freaked out, made him get up and sent her home.

Today the dad tells me he discovered yesterday she's been surfing porn on the computer in the basement. He's very relaxed about it, says it was bound to happen and he'll have to talk to her to let her know that's not an accurate representation of sex and to come to her parents for information. He said,"she might have heard about it from your boys or Family Guy I don't know."

I was furious! they don't supervise her television watching or internet access, that's one of the things I told them has to stop if they come over.

He backpedaled immedialty, and assured me he's not upset with my boys or accusing them, that she probably learned about it from watching Family Guy.

This is my fault because I do not have the same ideals or parenting techniquest that they do and I allow our children to play together anyway. It's so tricky, they are together EVERY DAY and this little girl is really my childs only friend. I do not want to go NC with them, and don't know how to ******* talk to them about this. I believe Thumper who told me this last time
I have to calm down and figure out what to do. I am SO PISSED. I am NOT OK with my boys learning about porn and watching it with the ******* neighbor girl because her parents refuse to parent her!!!

I called a mutual friend who ended her relationship with them, and finally spilled the beans. She said her husband freaked out when he went over there and the kids said they had been looking up "kitties" on the internet. When her husband questioned why they had been on the internet unsupervised, the dad laughed and made a joke aobut them watching porn.

I"m just going to say we're going to focus on packing and moving and will see her later. I texted the dad about how horrified I was yesterday when his daughter was straddling my son, haven't heard back.

fourmaggie

suki44883

Of course, you will make your own decisions, but I really cannot think of any reason to continue a relationship with these people. I don't see how you or your kids are benefiting in any way. If someone frustrated me as often as they seem to frustrate you, I'd just step back and if necessary, just tell them I don't feel it's a good situation for you or your boys.

transformyself

I know Suki I see that so clearly today. They're just so NICE and she and my youngest boy are together all the time, the only difficult thing will be explaining it to him

I think I'm not even going to try that for a few days. I think I'll just simply say no till I figure it out.

suki44883

Considering just what you've posted, I don't think I'd allow my son to be around her unless I was right there watching. That girl is being exposed to stuff that kids her age have no business seeing. It is only natural for her to act out what she has seen on TV or on the internet. You have been very diligent in regard to what your children are exposed to, but allowing her to be alone with your son could very well undermine your hard work.

While I think these kinds of things aren't necessarily the fault of the child, she will still talk about and possibly demonstrate some of the things she is exposed to. Those parents may be very nice, but they are NOT raising their child with your value system and that is what is causing all the problem. I don't really see that changing anytime soon.

justjo

THEY'RE SO NICE and you dont know how to EXPLAIN IT TO YOUR SON and they are together most of the time.

Hes 12!! Id be really worried. Tell your son she is not behaving appropriately. Id find some boys his age to mix with or find him something else to do for his age. I find this difficult to accept - there maybe other things going on with this 9 yr old girl if shes acting out?? Why not call the authorities about the fact her father finds nothing wrong with it?? The stuff shes doing and watching??
Sorry Im not going to give you a lovie dovie answer.

transformyself

The dad just texted me that he went through the history of the computer and she had only done it yesterday, so he said, for what its worth I don't think what you saw had anything to do iwth it.

I started about five texts to respond to him, but finally put the phone down. I jsut sent her home, too. She came over and I told her we were spending family time together.

I'm going NC with them. I will come up with an easy, one sentence response if he presses it. I'm not even going to try to come up wtih one right now. It'll come to me, I know it will.

I also have to tell my kids they can't go over there. taht will suck.

I don't want to deal with this! I'm so pissed that I'm in this situation, why am I reacting this way? Like a little kid.

transformyself

thats not the child that's with her all the time, it's my nine year old. And the last thing I will do is call the authorities.

justjo

QUOTE: another rant about the neighbors and their kid

Yesterday she was straddling my 12 year old (she's 9) and jumping up and down on him while he laid on the floor. I silently freaked out, made him get up and sent her home.


It doesnt matter to me if your child was 2, 4, 9, or 12 its wrong behaviour. If I thought something as 'not right' with another child (especially this kind of stuff) I could not sit back knowlingly doing nothing.

transformyself

Yeah... I"m not knowingly not doing anything. You should choose your words very carefully with me.

suki44883

Um...hey, guys. Where's my bucket of cold water?

DesertEyes

Chill out peeps. Go take a walk around the block. Breathe some air. Call your sponsor, go to a meeting, whatever. When you've cooled off and let the temper go then read this _before_ you post.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

Mike
Moderator, SR

LaTeeDa

Accepting the things I cannot change--

The way other people parent their children.
They way other people's children behave as a result.

Changing the things I can--

The people (including children) I allow in my life, and especially in my house.

As far as explaining it to the children, it could be a very teachable moment. As in, I have expressed my disapproval at this girl's behavior, both to her and her parents. Yet, the unacceptable behavior continues. Since I do not have the power to change others, I can only determine the people and behaviors that are welcome in this house. Others are free to behave as they wish, but not in our home.

L

wanting

I had neighbors when I was a kid who had access to all kinds of pornographic stuff. It was one of those homes where there were like 4 adult children (all creeps) living with the parents and they all had their kids living there too. They had a few porn stations on the TV and had magazines. Of course the kids were curious about that stuff, as it was supposed to be off-limits to them. But they accessed it anyway, and that was my first impression of what sex is like and what women's bodies are supposed to look like. My little brother and I both agree that it was traumatizing for us to see that stuff. I was probably 10 or so, and he was probably about 6. This, coupled with my parents' rigidness about sex, was really a bizarre way to learn the ins and outs (uh, no pun intended). I felt that I'd be in trouble if I told my parents, so I never did. I wish I wasn't allowed to go to their house!

I think it's natural for kids to be curious and that limiting access to inappropriate stuff is a must. And I think it's equally important to have an atmosphere where kids can ask questions and parents can freely discuss sex beyond, "Sex before marriage is a sin and you will die of AIDS!!!"

My 11yo has her own computer and accesses the internet without my interference, but it has been baby steps to get there, from about age 6. She used to use my computer and I'd check the history now and again. It's all fashion websites. And we've had several talks about all this stuff. She knows how traumatizing seeing pornographic images was for me as a young child (and continues to be, for the most part). I've talked with her about coming to me before Googling stuff because you can come up on some weird $hit. She's a very mature 11yo. I know 11yos who I can tell wouldn't be ready for the kind of information that she knows and has asked about. She knows that she's not to discuss these things with her friends, and that her friends need to ask their parents for information about sex stuff. I'm pretty sure they'd rather talk about clothes and Justin Bieber though.

I think this is the age where there's the one kid who sneaks his dad's Playboy to school and shows it to everyone. It's probably a good idea to have a frank discussion with your boys about this before someone else teaches them what sex is all about. You wouldn't want them to grow up thinking that women are all 110 pounds with DDD boobs and that they're there solely to please men.

Sorry for the ramble...

transformyself

Ok this is a great place to start thank you.

For now, Im going to watch a movie with the kids, try to release all this tension, let it go for now and come up with a strategy tomorrow.

I have sent her home, ignored the text from her dad he sent immediatly after.

Honestly, I"m going to keep youngest son very busy WITHOUT her for a few days. He's having major issues about moving, even though it' s just a block away. He freaks out at change.

For now, I'll just keep him busy and sort out how to tell him he's not going over there any more. I want to be simple, to the point, and not make a big deal out of it.

I'll arrange for a playdate with his favorite friend this week too. The one with attentive parents.

transformyself

I think I'll also refrain from saying "ever again," since that freaks ME out too when I have to think about never doing something ever again. Stay in the moment and day. That'll help him transition.

Learn2Live

Transform, I am no psychic but there is something about this girl's dad that doesn't sit right in my gut (and not just from this one post). You call him on her behavior and he points his finger at her as though he has nothing to do with it. He's telling you that she surfs the web for porn? She's 9 yrs old; where did she LEARN that? I think your dealings with these peeps takes WAY too much of your energy, your brainpower, and your sanity. I have had to eliminate this kind of people from my life entirely because it is just too costly on many fronts.

transformyself

Here you go Suki!





That's for me!~

wanting

And he also blamed her boys, with no good reason. He seems douchey.

suki44883

Thank you, L2L! I kept meaning to say something about that dad. His attitude doesn't sit right with me, either. It also sounds like they're using you, Transformie, as a free babysitter, too. That girl seems to always be at your house and when you send her home, the dad always seems to text you right away and even argues with you when you say you don't have time for her right now. Who does that?? It sounds to me like the kid has problems because her parents have problems. One thing for sure though...it's not YOUR problem.