DkotesBMiH

Greetings, I have registered and written this post specifically because I seek the help of people who have had experience with this sort of thing.

I recently looked up my old girlfriend on facebook (I know how it sounds) because I was working on a job site right next to where we used to go out on a sailboat a lot as teenagers. It brought back memories. Anyway, this isn't just any girlfriend, this was a girl I had known since i was 16 and we had dated for 3 years and I lost my virginity to her etc and she was what one might call, "the first love". I am 23 now, and havn't spoken to her in 3 years, but still think of her now and then.

Her and her sister were adopted, and she spent a decent amount of time in and out of foster care because her mother and her fought a lot. Her father was a functioning alcoholic but I was told he made some sexual advances to her and was a scum bag on the inside but he put on the air of a wealthy businessman to anyone who didn't really know him.

I think she had a hard time finding anyone who really cared for her, and it seemed to me that she didn't trust very many people.

Well, I saw her picture online and it looks like she has sores all over her face, as her skin is covered in white patches where skin has peeled off and it looks like something you might see on someone using amphetamines? It is most definitely not just a sun burn.

Here is a girl, who was the prettiest girl I had ever seen (and still was the prettiest one I have ever dated) who had a job before I did, who was independent and knew what she wanted to do, who has a profile picture of her in her underwear bent over like a prostitute with a face full of sores and it looks like she is about to cry.

That picture illicited an emotional response from me, not only because she looked like she was in serious pain, but because I felt for her. The old saying goes, "you never forget a first love" and I think it is true, even on a physiological level. I dealt with some of her family problems and always felt like I offered her a sanctuary, or a place to come to to be safe from her home life.

Anyway, I'm a senior in college now and live on my own and am drug and alcohol free, although I know what it's like to use them during my teenage years.

I'm seriously debating sending her a message and just asking how she is. I do not want to come on as some father figure who is here to save the day, as her and her sister have always been the type to want to do everything on their own. I do NOT think it is wrong, EVER, to help someone in need, especially in serious need, but I do not know how she would react to me messaging her, or what type of things that would bring into my life...(jealous boyfriend who might also be a drug user? violence, stealing, lieing?)

I would appreciate any input on this matter, if you have ever dealt with something like this, or intervened yourself. I am seriously torn inside because it is hard to watch someone you love kill themselves when you know they have so much more life in them.

All of my friends are calling me crazy to even consider re establishing contact with her but I still want to.

Thank you

suki44883

I agree with your friends. Let it go.

Chino

You already see there's drama in her life, and by contacting her, you're inviting it into yours. Whatever is going on with her, she knows how to find help but she has to want and ask for it.

DkotesBMiH

All of the things I mentioned were from when we were 17,18,19. I know it may sound childish since we were young, and still are, but I have no idea what her life is like now.

I would hope someone would lend out a helping hand to me if I was deep in a hole and struggling.

Also, I think that sacrificing your own stability or comfort in order to help someone else out is a good thing to do. I would never want to NOT help someone simply because it could cause me some trouble.

I would hate to hear my friends saying "let it go" and "avoid bringing drama into your life" to someone trying to help me when I was on my 2 year alcohol binge and not leaving my apartment.

-And thank you both for your responses

suki44883

How do you KNOW she is in a deep hole and struggling? You admitted that you have no idea what her life is like now. How do you know that she isn't making her own decisions about how she lives? She has a right to live any way she chooses.

Wanting to help people is a good trait, but you have had no contact with this person for three years and it is really not your place to swoop in and try to save her from something she may not even want to be saved from or NEED to be saved from. You are assuming quite a lot on the basis of a picture she posted.

DkotesBMiH

This is true. Perhaps I keep asking more and more people (first friends, now online) in hopes of getting the answer I want to hear.

hello-kitty

When faced with a question of what my next step should be, I try to remember to think with my head not my heart. And make a WISE decision based on the empirical evidence I have available to me, not my feelings.

Do you think it would be a WISE decision for you to get in touch with this girl or not?

Also, if I don't know what the right decision is or if I don't feel confident that I'm making the right decision, the wise choice is usually to do nothing at that point in time.

cece1960

I would have to consider what I hope to accomplish by reaching out to her. Do you think that you can help her improve her life (assuming she needs help)? Do you think that you can save her from herself (assuming she needs saved)?

If these are your motivations, I have to agree with the others...stay clear. Often its our own need to save someone that drives us and our heroic actions. Untimately this leads to heartbreak and defeat.

I'm not saying we shouldn't ever lend a hand to a loved one in need, but to invite the potential for chaos and drama (especially unsolicited) doesn't seem to be the healthiest of decisions.

Angelic17

Dkotes, Let me start by saying you seem like a really good guy. It sounds like you have a good, kind heart. You want to reach out and see what's going on with your old girlfriend. The problem is, it sounds to me like this young woman might have a different lifestyle than she did when she was with you. A person can change alot in a few years. If this girl is posing on facebook, bending over in her underwear, and looking like a prostitute on amphetamines, she just might be. What makes you think that you can do anything for her? Or that she wants you to? What is it that you want to do? Jump in and save her from herself, and her lifestyle? Fix her in some way, to be the way you want her to be, or the way you think she should be?

Maybe she's not on amphetamines, and maybe she's not a prostitute. You really don't know, but let's say she is, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH? Why would you want to set yourself up for that kind of a burden in your life? Dealing with an addict who is possibly a prostitute is no fun. Believe me, you need to move forward, and find a nice clean girl for yourself. Especially since that's how you live your life. I understand the desire to contact her, but it's not a healthy choice for you. Sounds like your old girlfriend went down the wrong path. Pray for her. Ask your higher power for what it is that you want for her. I hope you listen to the people on this site. Not one person reccomends that you should contact or hook up with this old girlfriend.

Anyway, You should always go forward in life. Backwards is never really a good thing. Especially if it's going back to a very troubled and problematic person.
Make the right choice. You sound like a great guy.

Suzie12

Hiya hun,

Lets get this into perspective. You dont know her life in the last 3 years or so and anything could have happened but also there could be a reasonable explanation for her appearance.

I think it would take some guts to plaster your face all over Facebook if you had a serious drug addiction that has caused such sores on her skin. There may be another explanation like an outbreak of Psoriasis which can produce the sort of sores that you are describing and for which there is no known cure for. It is said to be caused by an autoimmune disease/made worse by stress or even a vitamine deficiency. I have suffered from this most of my life and never wear a dress or expose too much skin because of this, but luckily have never had it on my face but know people that have and it can look like you describe. It can crop up on anyone at any time but most cases start in early adolescence or young adulthood.

That is one angle of it, these are a lot assumptions by just looking at her photo online. Prostitution and drugs? it is impossible to tell from that one photo and nothing else to back it up. I think you are letting your imagination run away with you and coupled with your first love feelings for her are making you vunerable.

The problem here is do you want to get involved with her again not knowing what her present issues and problems are if indeed there are any.

No one wants to walk away from someone in trouble but dont let that trouble be brought to your door when you are doing so well in life.

Just pray for her but in this instance I think you need to put yourself first.

Freedom1990

Any chance you can get your hands on a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie?

DkotesBMiH

Thank you for all the responses, and for the book suggestion. I will heed everyones advice and not make a rash decision based on the image I have concocted in my head from a few photos.

A few of you posed the very good question, "What do you intend to get out of this?"

I keep asking myself the same thing.

Perhaps because relationships since the one with her have not been as enjoyable or felt the same, there is some thought in the back of my mind that she might transform back into the girl she was and we would live happily ever after. So as much as I would like to play the roll of knight in shining armor for her sake alone, I admit I have a whole perfect scenario planned out in my head where I could imagine things going.

And life hardly goes according to plan, so I've been told, and seen, in my short time here on Earth.

Thank you all for the insightful replies, I shall let things lie as they are for now, as she knows how to find me if she deems it necessary.

life is crazy!

Freedom1990

I like your honesty, dear.

The thing is, love does not conquer all, especially addiction, if that indeed is the case.

As a recovering IV methamphetamine addict myself, I can tell you that there was no one who could save me from myself. I had to hit a bottom, and hit it hard.

There is a myriad of help out there for addicts who want it, both professionally, and among other addicts in recovery.

I'm so very glad you found us here at SR, and have decided to not act on your emotions.

Oh, and on a different note, I am also in my last year of college (for now) and will have two associate degrees after this fall. I threw away a college education while using, so I'm getting it done now at age 52. I'm living proof you can teach an old dog new tricks!

Nerdgirl

Perhaps because relationships since the one with her have not been as enjoyable or felt the same, there is some thought in the back of my mind that she might transform back into the girl she was and we would live happily ever after. So as much as I would like to play the roll of knight in shining armor for her sake alone, I admit I have a whole perfect scenario planned out in my head where I could imagine things going.

Welcome to SR, you're among friends here.

When Paul McCartney was asked about a Beatles reunion (when John and George were alive) he said something to the effect of "you can't reheat a soufflé." Powerful statement. You can't go back to that time with your first love because it doesn't exist anymore outside of your mind. you're a different person now and so is she - I promise you that this is true.

catmarie69

Regardless of her situation right now... from one codependent to another... you can't fix her. You can't change her. You can't control her.

I will quote the best line, in my opinion, from the movie Inception: "...we had our time together. I have to let you go..."

ZombieWife

While I don't think it's a huge no-no to contact her, I would, however, establish what kind of boundaries you want in place (i.e. don't give out your number or physical address).

It sounds like you have a good heart, but you also need to keep in mind that if she is addicted to meth, she's not the same girl you knew. She's an addict who will do anything to get high, manipulate anyone for a hit (or for money or for a place to stay, etc).

I'm just not sure what you plan to say to her if you do contact her: "hi, you look like a total junkie with dope sores on your arms. WTF? Can I save you?"

I mean, if you ask her outright, chances are she'll:

1. be insulted and tell you to take a flying leap.
2. lie and say no.
3. not respond at all.
4. lie and say no and then hit you up for cash.

What are the chances of her telling you the truth? And what are you going to do with that information once you get it?

I don't think anyone here is trying to diminish the power of an "old/first love" or the feelings that can come from that, nor is anyone trying to take the wind out of your big-hearted sails. I do believe that the sum of many small things can trigger someone to take that first step into recovery, but you're going in 100% blind here, without knowing what she's been through already--if she's been in and out of rehab already, etc.

I wish I had real "advice" for you, but you'll do what you want to do in the end. I just hope you protect yourself if you do reach out.

(hugs)