New and spilling my heart
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 83
New and spilling my heart
I recently discovered my husband is an alcoholic. I guess I’ve always known it but up until now I’ve been in denial as much as he is and still sometimes think I’m overreacting. He’s not one to get fall down drunk and miss work or anything like that. But he’s drinks a six pack a day and more on off days for as long as I can remember. We met when we were young and I was a partier too, except I grew up and he turned into an alcoholic. Unfortunately or I guess I should say fortunately things came to a head recently while we were on vacation. He got sick I took him to the urgent care center and to make a long story short he spent a couple of days in detox.
We talked when he got out and he admitted that he had a problem and made a lot of promises. Fast forward to two weeks later and nothing has changed. My therapist calls it the bargaining stage. This whole experience has been my rock bottom, we have been having problems for awhile now and I’m only recently beginning to see that they are due to the alcoholism.
Last week was the roughest between his inability to act on anything he says he’s going to do and the way he goes about the day to day with me like everything is normal. We work opposite schedules for the most part and rarely see each other to begin with. We had two really bad days this week where I couldn’t even be around him or talk to him and had to leave the house.
Late last week I got to the point where I realized that being around him isn’t good for MY overall mental health. My therapist suggested I leave for a little while and maybe that will help shine some light on the situation. On Friday I talked to his mom and she really encouraged me to leave. I think hearing it from someone who loves him as much as I do gave me the kick in the ass I needed.
So when he got home that night from work I told him I was going to my dad’s house until he was sober and in a treatment program and that I thought it was best for us not to talk for a couple of days. He said he would go to an inpatient center on Monday, but I can hardly believe it will happen.
I think I’m in shock for the most part. I know leaving was the best thing to do I knew that as soon as I made the final decision. But now the reality that my marriage might be over is starting to set in.
I’m going to stop this here because I feel like I’m just rambling. But I hope this place can be of some support to me, I’ve been to two Alanon meetings and I honestly just don’t get it.
We talked when he got out and he admitted that he had a problem and made a lot of promises. Fast forward to two weeks later and nothing has changed. My therapist calls it the bargaining stage. This whole experience has been my rock bottom, we have been having problems for awhile now and I’m only recently beginning to see that they are due to the alcoholism.
Last week was the roughest between his inability to act on anything he says he’s going to do and the way he goes about the day to day with me like everything is normal. We work opposite schedules for the most part and rarely see each other to begin with. We had two really bad days this week where I couldn’t even be around him or talk to him and had to leave the house.
Late last week I got to the point where I realized that being around him isn’t good for MY overall mental health. My therapist suggested I leave for a little while and maybe that will help shine some light on the situation. On Friday I talked to his mom and she really encouraged me to leave. I think hearing it from someone who loves him as much as I do gave me the kick in the ass I needed.
So when he got home that night from work I told him I was going to my dad’s house until he was sober and in a treatment program and that I thought it was best for us not to talk for a couple of days. He said he would go to an inpatient center on Monday, but I can hardly believe it will happen.
I think I’m in shock for the most part. I know leaving was the best thing to do I knew that as soon as I made the final decision. But now the reality that my marriage might be over is starting to set in.
I’m going to stop this here because I feel like I’m just rambling. But I hope this place can be of some support to me, I’ve been to two Alanon meetings and I honestly just don’t get it.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
Welcome to SR, bklyngrl. We understand what you are going through as most of us have gone through the same thing and sometimes, much worse.
What is it you don't "get?" Alcoholism in general, or how Alanon works? Alanon is a support group to help you learn to detach from your alcoholic and live the best possible life for you.
Please stick around SR and do a lot of reading and posting. We are here to support YOU.
What is it you don't "get?" Alcoholism in general, or how Alanon works? Alanon is a support group to help you learn to detach from your alcoholic and live the best possible life for you.
Please stick around SR and do a lot of reading and posting. We are here to support YOU.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: England
Posts: 137
Hiya hun,
Welcome I think you did the right thing giving him some space to think over what is happening in both your lives atm. In my experience as an alcoholic myself what he is actually drinking and what you think he is drinking is probably not the same. I dont want to sound like I am throwing out accusations as I dont know the guy, but nearly all alcoholics hide the extent of their drinking from their loved ones, mostly because they know that what they are doing is not right and is harmful and are ashamed of themselves. Most alcoholics when they know they are in trouble with drink tend to hope "they can keep it under control" they never intend to get blind drunk, but to an alcoholic one or two drinks is never enough and they do in fact end up blind drunk.
He already knows he has a drink problem what he now needs to realise is that he cannot drink anymore.
Whether you continue to live with him or not he will continue to drink until he makes his own mind up that he is not going to, If that happens both of you will have a dramatic life change.
I hope this is the kick up the bum he needs.
Keep talking to us dont worry about rambling, sometimes doing that helps us considerable.
Suzie x
Welcome I think you did the right thing giving him some space to think over what is happening in both your lives atm. In my experience as an alcoholic myself what he is actually drinking and what you think he is drinking is probably not the same. I dont want to sound like I am throwing out accusations as I dont know the guy, but nearly all alcoholics hide the extent of their drinking from their loved ones, mostly because they know that what they are doing is not right and is harmful and are ashamed of themselves. Most alcoholics when they know they are in trouble with drink tend to hope "they can keep it under control" they never intend to get blind drunk, but to an alcoholic one or two drinks is never enough and they do in fact end up blind drunk.
He already knows he has a drink problem what he now needs to realise is that he cannot drink anymore.
Whether you continue to live with him or not he will continue to drink until he makes his own mind up that he is not going to, If that happens both of you will have a dramatic life change.
I hope this is the kick up the bum he needs.
Keep talking to us dont worry about rambling, sometimes doing that helps us considerable.
Suzie x
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
But now the reality that my marriage might be over is starting to set in.
I’m going to stop this here because I feel like I’m just rambling.
But I hope this place can be of some support to me
I’ve been to two Alanon meetings and I honestly just don’t get it.
Sending strength your way.
P.S. Enjoy the time with your Dad.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Hello Brooklyn girl, I am a Brooklyn girl too. I spent most of my life there. I still go back once or twice a week, now that I live in NJ. I'm sorry that your husband has this horrible disease called addiction/alcoholism. It's very difficult on the people who love the addict. Your doing the right thing by stepping back. Even if it doesn't feel right to you. It is.
It's a wake up call for your husband. This might be the thing he needs to work on himself, so he can get well, and be the man and husband that GOD has intended for him to be.
All of this won't be easy on you, but you must take care of yourself. That is what Alanon is all about. Teaching the family members how to love the addict, while caring for themselves. Alanon teaches coping skills while not enabling the addict.
All of this doesn't mean your marriage is over. It is a change for the better for both of you. This sounds like it's the first step in recovery for your husband, and your marriage can grow healthier and stronger from this. Try to look at the positive side of all of this. He admitted he has a problem. That's big right there. At least he's not denying it.
Your husband knows he needs help. He says he is going on Monday which is today. Let us know how this turns out for you. In the meanwhile. We are all here for you. I myself lived with alcoholism my entire life. My mother died from it, and my Grandfather died from it. It's horrible to watch and live with. The sad part is there is nothing that we can do to change the addict. Only he can change himself. And you need to take care of yourself and do what's good and right for you. It seems like your husband understands that he needs some help. That's a good thing. It's the first step.
Keep posting here. I'm glad your here.
:ghug3
It's a wake up call for your husband. This might be the thing he needs to work on himself, so he can get well, and be the man and husband that GOD has intended for him to be.
All of this won't be easy on you, but you must take care of yourself. That is what Alanon is all about. Teaching the family members how to love the addict, while caring for themselves. Alanon teaches coping skills while not enabling the addict.
All of this doesn't mean your marriage is over. It is a change for the better for both of you. This sounds like it's the first step in recovery for your husband, and your marriage can grow healthier and stronger from this. Try to look at the positive side of all of this. He admitted he has a problem. That's big right there. At least he's not denying it.
Your husband knows he needs help. He says he is going on Monday which is today. Let us know how this turns out for you. In the meanwhile. We are all here for you. I myself lived with alcoholism my entire life. My mother died from it, and my Grandfather died from it. It's horrible to watch and live with. The sad part is there is nothing that we can do to change the addict. Only he can change himself. And you need to take care of yourself and do what's good and right for you. It seems like your husband understands that he needs some help. That's a good thing. It's the first step.
Keep posting here. I'm glad your here.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
Welcome! You're not rambling. We understand exactly what you are going through.
"I’ve been to two Alanon meetings and I honestly just don’t get it." It took me a while to "get it" and I'm still learning. I look at a couple of the people in my group who really seem to have their act together and listen to where they came from and where they are now. When someone has been where I have with my XAH (hell!) and seems to have a sense of peace and serenity about them I know that I want that and I listen to what they say.
Stick around. We're glad you are here.
"I’ve been to two Alanon meetings and I honestly just don’t get it." It took me a while to "get it" and I'm still learning. I look at a couple of the people in my group who really seem to have their act together and listen to where they came from and where they are now. When someone has been where I have with my XAH (hell!) and seems to have a sense of peace and serenity about them I know that I want that and I listen to what they say.
Stick around. We're glad you are here.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
We are glad you found us. We are here to support you.
I know you are concerned about the future of your marriage. Let me pass on the wisdom that was shared with me by an Alanon Member:
"You don't have to have all the answers by 6 p.m. today, do you?"
No? Me either.
You didn't arrive at this point overnight. It will take as long as it takes to find the answers you are looking for.
Another source of great wisdom and insight is the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum. You will find some of our stories there as well.
I think it is awesome that you have a therapist! You are taking steps to take care of yourself. Good on you!
We are glad you found us. We are here to support you.
I know you are concerned about the future of your marriage. Let me pass on the wisdom that was shared with me by an Alanon Member:
"You don't have to have all the answers by 6 p.m. today, do you?"
No? Me either.
You didn't arrive at this point overnight. It will take as long as it takes to find the answers you are looking for.
Another source of great wisdom and insight is the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum. You will find some of our stories there as well.
I think it is awesome that you have a therapist! You are taking steps to take care of yourself. Good on you!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Welcome Brooklyn Girl. I am a Brooklyn Girl too. And very new to SR. You have come to a wonderful place. There is so much wisdom and support here. Keep reading and posting.
It's great that you have come so far already. You have a therapist, and you are focused on what is good or not so good for YOUR well being. Takes a lot of people a very long time to get where you are. Good for you.
I have still not found an Al-Anon meeting that feels right to me, but I read from Courage To Change every day, and I have read so much here, and will continue to do so and keep trying Al-Anon in person. You can even attend an On Line Al Anon meeting if you 'd like, and just read what's going on without saying (typing) anything. So many of our stories are the same. I've been helped tremendously to find peace in my life.
Just take it one day at a time. One moment at a time if you have to. Take Care of You, as you are already doing, and hopefully your husband will find his own way to recovery.
Either way, you are going to be fine. Better than fine.
It's great that you have come so far already. You have a therapist, and you are focused on what is good or not so good for YOUR well being. Takes a lot of people a very long time to get where you are. Good for you.
I have still not found an Al-Anon meeting that feels right to me, but I read from Courage To Change every day, and I have read so much here, and will continue to do so and keep trying Al-Anon in person. You can even attend an On Line Al Anon meeting if you 'd like, and just read what's going on without saying (typing) anything. So many of our stories are the same. I've been helped tremendously to find peace in my life.
Just take it one day at a time. One moment at a time if you have to. Take Care of You, as you are already doing, and hopefully your husband will find his own way to recovery.
Either way, you are going to be fine. Better than fine.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 83
He didn't go in...
Thanks everyone for your support and kind words yesterday. As expected he didn't go into treatment yesterday. Apparently he's trying to get things squared away with work, he's going to go in today for a few hours give them his keys, go home and get some sleep and then go in Wednesday morning. Yeah right, I don't believe it for a second.
I haven't spoken to him since Friday now he sends me at least three text messages a night. At fist it was stuff about how committed he is to make it right and getting better. Now it's mundane stuff. I'm consider calling today but I know that it won't be a productive conversation and I'm too mad to talk to him.
His mom says if he's not in by the weekend she's going to come down and "put some pressure on him." I think it's pointless but it's her prerogative.
I still know leaving was right but the commute to work from my dad's house is killing me and I miss my cats and bed. All I want to do is cry I'm overtired and emotional and scared about the future.
I haven't spoken to him since Friday now he sends me at least three text messages a night. At fist it was stuff about how committed he is to make it right and getting better. Now it's mundane stuff. I'm consider calling today but I know that it won't be a productive conversation and I'm too mad to talk to him.
His mom says if he's not in by the weekend she's going to come down and "put some pressure on him." I think it's pointless but it's her prerogative.
I still know leaving was right but the commute to work from my dad's house is killing me and I miss my cats and bed. All I want to do is cry I'm overtired and emotional and scared about the future.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Oh Brooklyn Girl, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. When I left my EXABF, I lived at a friend's house, with my stuff in garbage bags for two weeks. Cried, and cried, felt so sad and so sick to my stomach over all of it. Could not sleep at all either, and it's so hard to think straight on no sleep.
All I can say is that things will get better, don't try to figure out the future, just one day at a time. You will feel better, and then you can deal better. Try to do some nice things for yourself. Easy does it.
All I can say is that things will get better, don't try to figure out the future, just one day at a time. You will feel better, and then you can deal better. Try to do some nice things for yourself. Easy does it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Originally Posted by BklynGrl 
Thanks everyone for your support and kind words yesterday. As expected he didn't go into treatment yesterday. Apparently he's trying to get things squared away with work, he's going to go in today for a few hours give them his keys, go home and get some sleep and then go in Wednesday morning. Yeah right, I don't believe it for a second.
I haven't spoken to him since Friday now he sends me at least three text messages a night. At fist it was stuff about how committed he is to make it right and getting better. Now it's mundane stuff. I'm consider calling today but I know that it won't be a productive conversation and I'm too mad to talk to him.
His mom says if he's not in by the weekend she's going to come down and "put some pressure on him." I think it's pointless but it's her prerogative.
I still know leaving was right but the commute to work from my dad's house is killing me and I miss my cats and bed. All I want to do is cry I'm overtired and emotional and scared about the future.
I haven't spoken to him since Friday now he sends me at least three text messages a night. At fist it was stuff about how committed he is to make it right and getting better. Now it's mundane stuff. I'm consider calling today but I know that it won't be a productive conversation and I'm too mad to talk to him.
His mom says if he's not in by the weekend she's going to come down and "put some pressure on him." I think it's pointless but it's her prerogative.
I still know leaving was right but the commute to work from my dad's house is killing me and I miss my cats and bed. All I want to do is cry I'm overtired and emotional and scared about the future.
Just get through today BklynGrl. This is a temporary situation in your life. It won't be like this forever. This will pass, and better days are ahead. Sounds like his mother is an enabler. Give all of your fears to your higher power. Don't have fear, it is useless, and changes nothing. Be strong, and know that your doing the right thing.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hello brooklyn girl-
we have a saying here: one day at a time. one hour at a time, if necessary.
i found when i left my xABF to flee to my mother's, a lot of different emotions surfaced. for myself, it was best to permit some time to pass and simply sit with those feelings.
one day at a time. there is no need to project into the future. take the time you require to see thru the chaos. it really has nothing to do with him at this stage and everything to do with you and your very valid needs.
if his calling you is disturbing your processing, you can always block his number.
take the time you need for yourself.
naive
we have a saying here: one day at a time. one hour at a time, if necessary.
i found when i left my xABF to flee to my mother's, a lot of different emotions surfaced. for myself, it was best to permit some time to pass and simply sit with those feelings.
one day at a time. there is no need to project into the future. take the time you require to see thru the chaos. it really has nothing to do with him at this stage and everything to do with you and your very valid needs.
if his calling you is disturbing your processing, you can always block his number.
take the time you need for yourself.
naive
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
Hi Bklyn,
Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. Don't worry about rambling; just keep posting, learn, and share.
I relate to you feeling like you don't "get" al-anon. I sometimes go to meetings, but I've found my therapist and this forum to be a better support system for me. Everyone is different. What I have found (which is shared with what I think you get in al-anon), is that I am discovering ways to live me life in the best way possible for me, and learning to let go of worrying about my alcoholic sister and her disease.
So...welcome and keep posting!
p.s. Brooklyn is lovely; I love it there.
Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. Don't worry about rambling; just keep posting, learn, and share.
I relate to you feeling like you don't "get" al-anon. I sometimes go to meetings, but I've found my therapist and this forum to be a better support system for me. Everyone is different. What I have found (which is shared with what I think you get in al-anon), is that I am discovering ways to live me life in the best way possible for me, and learning to let go of worrying about my alcoholic sister and her disease.
So...welcome and keep posting!
p.s. Brooklyn is lovely; I love it there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
Hi Brooklyn,
Welcome, you found a great place to be.
I seems to me you are doing all the right things and you are in a good place considering what you are going through.
Keep reading - there is remarkable knowledge here, it will make you stronger.
Welcome, you found a great place to be.
I seems to me you are doing all the right things and you are in a good place considering what you are going through.
Keep reading - there is remarkable knowledge here, it will make you stronger.
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