It's finally over, he cheated.

Old 08-09-2010, 01:43 AM
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It's finally over, he cheated.

So after 5 years, many issues, many hours of couples therapy, many hours of him in AA and me in Al Anon. Many hours of him swearing on his KIDS heads he was faithful and many hours of talks, I snoop through his cell this morning and see he's been having an affair. He deleted most of the evidence, but forgot 2 pics.

Claims it's only been a few weeks, claims he was never physical with her, but admitted to phone sex, sex txting, meeting a few times for coffee and many many emails and nude pics. Oh and one "little kiss"

Claims our relationship was so volatile and he was never sure if we were going to be together or not and claimed he was feeling down about himself and needed the attention.
Claims he ended the flirting with her since he really loved me and wanted to work it out
I asked to look into his email before I kicked him out, he let me look. There was an email from her sent yesterday saying "I miss you already, this really sucks so bad"

Not quite words of someone you've only claim to be speaking with for 3 weeks.
She is married with 3 kids. Classless!
At first he was saying I was blowing it out of proportion, then was saying he was sorry and please, don't let this happen.
Saying "Please, I love you, I f*cked up, please"

He lied, he cheated and I kicked him out. I'm in shock!

He txt me a few times once he left saying "I'm sorry, I know you can never trust me again, I am sorry".
He sent many txt saying he was going to be alone to get help and how sorry he was and that it never got physical. That it was wrong and he did it and justfied it because he knew it was never going to go anywhere.
He FINALLY took responsibility and admitted his actions where wrong. He knows I'll never come back. I do doubt he will fix himself or change like he's claiming, but it really doesn't make a difference at this point

He's sick, really sick! Im sick, really sick to have tolerate his ABUSE for so long.
He's been gaslighting me for a long time now.
He's been going out for "coffee" a lot and I asked him if he was meeting someone there, He denied it and last week YELLED at me and said "Your mistrust of me is making want out and it's out of hand, I am not cheating on you and stop accusing me"
Well he said "I never even met with her" to "Ok, I met her for coffee, but only once" which calculates to more than once.

I sit here having not slept all night and wonder how many others there were. How much he lied.
I knew he was sneeky, but never EVER EVER thought he would let it get to this. Never thought he was so low he would/could do this to me, to us
He's been sober 1 1/2 yrs, in AA for 2. He never worked his steps. Well he did twice, but like the rest of his life, he never followed through.
Anyway, it doesn't matter, I'm done! I've left and will never go back. I'm not sure how to process this intense pain.


Please help
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Old 08-09-2010, 01:59 AM
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We've been to couples therapy for the trust issues I had, which he created from past "flirtings" that I caught him doing.
He was able to look at me and the therapist in the face and swear he was not cheating.
I would also stress how important it was that I trust him and that he was honest with me.
Last Wed night we met to talk about us and this mistrust and he SWORE he was not cheating. He was!
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Old 08-09-2010, 02:11 AM
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Hi SP

Biiiig hug from me to you. Cheating hurts so much. For me that was also the final coffin in my marriage. Continue on your path of recovery. you know you can only change you.


((((((((SP))))))))
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Old 08-09-2010, 02:23 AM
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I sit here having not slept all night and wonder how many others there were. How much he lied.
I knew he was sneeky, but never EVER EVER thought he would let it get to this. Never thought he was so low he would/could do this to me, to us
He's been sober 1 1/2 yrs, in AA for 2. He never worked his steps. Well he did twice, but like the rest of his life, he never followed through.
Anyway, it doesn't matter, I'm done! I've left and will never go back. I'm not sure how to process this intense pain.
Summerpeach,
I am so deeply sorry for the pain you are feeling now. I was cheated on too, all the while hearing the same stories, and when he was finally caught red handed, he blamed me for his cheating on me. And, for gods sake, I took it.
Now, you know, you know he is a liar and a cheat. He can swear on your kids lives that he wasnt cheating, but he was. He lied to the therapist, he has been lying to himself.
When my ex decided to continue the affair, and actually kind of flaunt it on the small post we were living on in Germany (I was active duty) he was trying to get me to start drinking again. We had both been to rehab, 6 weeks inpatient. I was still sober, he was back at it in two weeks. She would drink with him.
So, she was sent back home to Texas. Turns out having affairs with active dutys' spouses is not "in keeping with the good order" of the morale of the Army. My ex was sent home to Michigan shortly thereafter because he was still making a fool of himself drinking and fighting on post. Not in keeping with the good order and all.

So now, there is no more gaslighting, you know what you have known probably this whole time, but have been expertly and skillfully lied to. And, man, oh man does it hurt.
Yeah, but you are truly in reality now. And if I remember some of your previous posts, you have no problem dealing with reality. You can do this.
Share with your therapist or at group, there will be others to support you.
You will come out stronger and wiser on the other side.
I will be thinking of you.

Beth

(the formerly gaslighted and disrespected one)
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Old 08-09-2010, 02:34 AM
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Hi Summer,

Big hug from me as well. I dont know what to say and I am not going to offer advice, it is not always a case of kick him out and forget about him, I dont know your financial situation, or who owns what, other things often need to be considered into the equation before we can finally make a decision and move on. You have some tough times ahead and difficult decisons to make but we will all be here to help you through.

I really feel for how you are hurting, just wanted you to know that i was thinking and praying for you.
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Old 08-09-2010, 02:36 AM
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Thank you both so much. I'm sorry for your pain as well

I'm finally free from all the sick lies, and yes, I am all about reality, but was blind and wanted to believe the good so overlooked some of his actions.
It's just so hard to believe the person you loved and who loves you can do this.
Both my ex's before him both cheated on me as well. With those two, I was totally blindsided. Never EVER even suspected.
With this one, I always felt anxiety or uncomfortable and knew he was a sneek. But again, never thought it would get this bad.

Whether he continues his affair with her or not, doesn't even matter or phase me. I'm sure he will now that he's alone. And who know who else he's been doing this with, so have no doubt he will have someone soon so he won't be alone.

I believe NOTHING that he said or did. Ive been questioning my entire 5 yrs with him now.
Who knows how low he sank if he was able to do this.
He actually felt it was nothing. Saying it was no big deal, just some txting and nude pics. Talk about LOST.

You know, when I learned for the first time about addiction and heard many talk about the lies and cheating, I froze! I thought, no way this would happen to me.
But it's true, the lies and cheating is all part of their sickness.
I've seen many couples in recovery survive cheating. Once the addict works the steps, there is hope.
Even if he did work his steps, there is no hope. I can't ever feel this again
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Old 08-09-2010, 02:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Suzie12 View Post
Hi Summer,

Big hug from me as well. I dont know what to say and I am not going to offer advice, it is not always a case of kick him out and forget about him, I dont know your financial situation, or who owns what, other things often need to be considered into the equation before we can finally make a decision and move on. You have some tough times ahead and difficult decisons to make but we will all be here to help you through.

I really feel for how you are hurting, just wanted you to know that i was thinking and praying for you.
The great thing, we don't live together and don't have kids together. These are his kids.
I'm finacially independent and have my own place. He has nothing here since I handed it over to him yesterday. There is NO trace of him left in my home.
Thank you for the thoughts and prayers, I'll need them to get over this pain.

God, How I hurt right now
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Old 08-09-2010, 03:24 AM
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What a fool he is, he had everything right there in the palm of his hand and threw it away. He had the love and support of a lovely capable women and you have obviously done the best you can for him. His loss hun, I would say the classless female is welcome to him, let her support and care for him, which I very much doubt she will do.

You are blameless in all this, hang on to what you have, which will be a lot more both materially and emotionally with him out of your life.

I have no doubt that other people have worked through this type of thing, but ask yourself this, is he worth the hassle, what at the end of the day can he offer you. Certainly not the love and loyalty you deserve. It is devastating right now, that feeling of desperate loss and hurt, but you will get over it and come out of it the other side, hopefully with people in your life that are worthy to be there.


Chin up, head held high,
Suzie xxxx
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Old 08-09-2010, 05:07 AM
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He certainly is a fool. I wasn't an angel by any means and added to the hardships of the relationship, but in NO WAY did I deserve to be cheated on.
I was too good for him, this classless married mother sending boob/crotch shots is obviously more his caliber. He was rarely having sex with me and when we had sex two weeks ago, I just knew he was thinking of someone else because he was very different sexually and I called him out on it and he kept saying "Why are you saying that"
My entire BEING was telling me he was cheating.

I feel very lost right now. If there is a word that is stronger than hurt, well that's how I feel.
What I need to do is get over this hump of grief and not think or talk about him anymore.
I need to make my life about me now. I work full time, take courses and I also have lupus. My health has been failing terrible in the last 3 years. I'm sick all the time

Anyone who does what he did has to have some sort of personality disorder. It just doesn't make sense.
I cannot make sense of anything right now
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Old 08-09-2010, 05:59 AM
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Sorry you are going through all this, Peach, but I'm glad you have a minimum of material entanglements.

Take good care of yourself--your health comes first.

Hugs.
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Old 08-09-2010, 06:20 AM
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(( peach ))

One of the biggest lessons I learned in recovery was to trust my gut. I lived with a man whose words and actions often did not line up. He was so good at convincing me of whatever he wanted me to believe, and he twisted my words and turned my world off kilter often. I learned later that it was one of the main ways he was able to control me.

My recovery took time. I questioned everyone and everything for a long time. I entered another relationship too soon, which gave me another opportunity to practice some bad behaviors and experience more trampled boundaries. My recovery friends were there to pick me up, brush me off and point me in the right direction again.

It stinks, what you are going through. However, there is much to be learned if you're willing. And, I promise - there IS light and life on the other side.

Big hugs
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Old 08-09-2010, 06:57 AM
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My health has been failing terrible in the last 3 years. I'm sick all the time
I am willing to bet that with him OUT of your life, you are going to start feeling better and your health will improve. Simply the stress of living with an alcoholic is enough to make you sick (literally).

It just doesn't make sense. I cannot make sense of anything right now
No, you are absolutely correct, it does NOT make sense. And it likely never WILL make sense. Continuing to try to make sense of what he has done and what he does will just confuse you more.

Please try to understand, they do not operate according to the same principles, morals, motivations, etc as we do. Their compass is BROKEN. They may say they WANT the same things (happy marriage, white picket fence, whatever), and they may IN FACT want the same things, but their "machinery" is broken--they can't maintain those things. They may say they value monogamy, commitment, loyalty, etc. but the OVERRIDING purpose in life becomes the continuance of the disease: the consumption of alcohol. ANYthing that stands in the way of THIS ONE GOAL is GARBAGE to them.

Hit the <RESET> button, hon. When I recently went through something similar to what you are going through, it was very helpful to me to re-visit my OWN values and my own morals. I made lists of what those things were. I examined my own behavior in the past and where I had strayed from what I had been taught and what I believed was "right" and "good," and I learned also about Integrity. And I've tried to adjust my behavior accordingly. I'm not perfect, but I'm learning :O) Try focusing on you in this way, might make you feel better. I hope you feel better soon. (((hugs))) Peach.
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Old 08-09-2010, 07:04 AM
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Your story certainly hit a nerve with me. I have been where you are, and all I can say is you will feel better. The intense physical pain of the betrayal will go away, and you will be stronger and happier in the end. Enjoy your solitude, and your serenity, give yourself lots of time to heal, and keep coming back here.
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Old 08-09-2010, 07:12 AM
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Ah Summer I am so sorry.

What you're describing is texbook-textbookbehavior for a partner having an affair. The good news is that you did listen to that small still inner voice. You can see that he was gas lighting and blame shifting and is providing you with trickle truth (there's most likely much more, he will only admit to anything when confronted with ravenous knowledge on your behalf) and you know that despite being imperfect you did not deserve to be cheated on. You know the benefits of NC and you know this is because of his character defects, not yours.

Still, it shakes your sense of reality. I"m so sorry. It's taken me a good two years to be fully aware of and mostly free of the repercussions of AH affair. It's hard work, but well worth the pay off.

I also found great support here
SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity
and if you go the their "just found out" section and read, you'll find others telling your story again and again, just like here.

Hope you're getting enough sleep, and water, and staying away from him. This is when people kill each other! Infidelity.

Big hugs to you Summer. You're strong and brilliant and will get through this
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Old 08-09-2010, 07:13 AM
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I need to make my life about me now. I work full time, take courses and I also have lupus. My health has been failing terrible in the last 3 years. I'm sick all the time
Well, I hope that now that a MAJOR stressor in your life will be having little or no impact on you, you can concentrate on getting well.
Yes, bring all your energy and focus back to you and getting your health back under control.
Take care of yourself summerpeach.
You deserve much better.

Beth
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Old 08-09-2010, 07:20 AM
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CATS: thank you, He twisted everything I said, to a point where I started to feel crazy and question my gut. I mean how could someone who loved me so much, act in such a sick way. I could not compute that. I mean, he was in AA working his recovery and stopped drinking so how could he not be more rational.

He would yell at me, deny yelling then say "you're yelling and irrational" to throw me off.
Conversations and fights were never how I saw them, I needed a tape recorder with him in order to prove I was not crazy and I heard what I heard.

I will heal this time, I won't get into another relationship any time soon. I want to be healthy and happy the next time I meet a man. I want my next relationship to by my last. I need to know what healthy is.

I've seen this light when I got through the ending/cheating with other 2 ex's, but I guess I didn't bask in that light long eough.

L2L: thank you. I have NO DOUBT I'll feel better. My energy won't be spent on wondering who he's cheating with or where he is or who he's with. It won't be spent on being stunned by each fight.
I hear you, trying to make sense of an addict is crazy. It's funny, cause he won't even identify himself as an addict. He's perfect don't ya know!
He's a TRUE addict in every sense of the word. He doesn't drink, big deal, he's still a sick addict. His moral compass is broken, He did want all those things, we talked about it, but the guy could not even pay a parking ticket.
He was always right, I was alwayw wrong. I started every fight, he was the innocent one.
Man, how could I have been SO STUPID!
This will surely make me have another hard look at myself. I'll return to Al Anon and work on me and why I chose to stay with the abuse.

SEEKING: the pain is intense. I can't even function today. I've not eaten or slept.
My soul cannot process this pain. I look forward to the days where this pain doesn't have a grip on me anymore.
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Old 08-09-2010, 07:26 AM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
Ah Summer I am so sorry.

What you're describing is texbook-textbookbehavior for a partner having an affair. The good news is that you did listen to that small still inner voice. You can see that he was gas lighting and blame shifting and is providing you with trickle truth (there's most likely much more, he will only admit to anything when confronted with ravenous knowledge on your behalf) and you know that despite being imperfect you did not deserve to be cheated on. You know the benefits of NC and you know this is because of his character defects, not yours.

Still, it shakes your sense of reality. I"m so sorry. It's taken me a good two years to be fully aware of and mostly free of the repercussions of AH affair. It's hard work, but well worth the pay off.

I also found great support here
SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity
and if you go the their "just found out" section and read, you'll find others telling your story again and again, just like here.

Hope you're getting enough sleep, and water, and staying away from him. This is when people kill each other! Infidelity.

Big hugs to you Summer. You're strong and brilliant and will get through this
Hi, thanks, yes it is txtbook, I knew it and would even tell him. He denied it.
I know there is MUCH more that I don't know about ,I am now questioning the entire 5 yrs and what else he did.
He was really good at accusing me of cheating and talking to other men in a sexual way. He conviced himself I was doing things behind his back.
The severity of his sickness is really REALLY hitting me with my share here.

I am NC and will stay NC, I won't even talk to him again. There is no point.
There is nothing left to say. It's over.

I will check out that site, thank you so much
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Old 08-09-2010, 07:27 AM
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I can't even function today. I've not eaten or slept.
My soul cannot process this pain. I look forward to the days where this pain doesn't have a grip on me anymore.
Peach, now is the time to treat yourself gently and with respect. Imagine this happened to your very best friend. You'd make sure she got rest, that she ate a healthy fun meal, perhaps treated herself to a bubble bath and some sappy love songs so she could cry out all that pain once and for all.

Take care of you. I taught myself to say the serenity prayer every single time I caught myself thinking about what he did or said or didn't say... I vowed to not let him rent ANY more space in my brain. That's how I got my power back - one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time!
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Old 08-09-2010, 07:28 AM
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
Well, I hope that now that a MAJOR stressor in your life will be having little or no impact on you, you can concentrate on getting well.
Yes, bring all your energy and focus back to you and getting your health back under control.
Take care of yourself summerpeach.
You deserve much better.

Beth
My new focus is going to be about me and taking care of me
Thanks so much for this
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Old 08-09-2010, 07:29 AM
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Peach, Reading what you have written about how he has behaved and the dynamic between you two just makes me sick to my stomach. I literally want to barf. I am sorry that you have gone through this and are hurting but in a way, I am glad because at least now you know the truth. And as the saying goes, the truth will set you free.

Man, how could I have been SO STUPID!
Look, I know how easy it is to feel this way. And I know it seems inconsequential to say things like this about yourself. But please try not to think this way about yourself. It is this very thing that will keep you mired in the sickness. The sickness MAKES you feel bad about yourself and continuing to believe these things keeps you sick. Become aware of how you talk to yourself and about yourself and FIGHT IT!!! :O) Be the warrior you are!! SMILE :O) Sending positive thoughts your way.
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