sofacat

Well I just don't know how to do this!

Long story short...my manager has seemed a bit "off" over the last few days. It seemed TOO familiar to me and TRIGGERING....dropping things, acting "spacy" and kind of child like....and just plain off.

So....what do I do??? I go into passive aggressive mode and just try to avoid her over the last two days. Same as I used to do with Mr.Sofa.

So, tonight...I decided to own up to my sh!t....and apologize for my behavior.

I let her know that I wasn't accusing her of doing drugs or anything of the sort...it's just that something triggered me and I was taking it out on her, and for that, I was sorry. I told her I am new to this still and trying to work things out...trying to work out WHY I react the way I do when I feel confused and panicked and suspicious.

So, what does SHE DO???? She reacts in a VERY familiar way. "I am NOT doing drugs and I need you to know this, and I can't believe you would think that of Me" yadda yadda yadda....and the tears came and she just refused to hear what I was ACTUALLY trying to say. I was TRYING to apologize and she heard "You're on drugs."

It's sooooooo frustrating!!!!!! So, I of course go into fix it mode and try to change her mood, and get her to "see"....she didn't want to hear it, and continued the drama. It was like I was reviving all of my BAD HABITS and behaviors all over again. I had to stop myself. ANd I just went straight home and vacuumed everything! Oh, and after I left...she proceeded to tell my staff what happened...while crying and playing the victim. That set me off too!!!!

Now, I have a history of being passive aggressive and coming off as condescending when I am "displeased"....but I have been working my A$$ off on changing this behavior and owning up to my crap. And I told her this. I told her that I needed to be honest with her about Me, and that I have to correct my actions and make an effort to change my behavior. That is is MY problem, and I am sorry. She still heard "you're on drugs."

WHY do I get the same responses that I did from people now that I am trying to be open and honest. WTF?????

I am so KEEN when people are "off". I see it all the time....I just know it...like you all probably do. It's not my business and not my place to get involved. I just don't know HOW to confront someone who actually WORKS for Me. It's tricky. I feel trapped again.

Crap!

I need a sponsor.

Chino

Somewhere in the FFA forum, there's an incredible thread about 3 different kinds of boundaries with descriptions for each group. The first one is healthy, the second one is collapsed, and the third is rigid.

TMI (too much information) is under collapsed boundaries. Workplace or personal life, they really do all look the same. I can see very clearly now that our business would benefit greatly from a Dale Carnegie course

It only stands to reason, you know? Us 4 original owners all have codie traits and behaviors. My husband has stubborn passive/aggressive behaviors and I'm in recovery ;-)

I look at our collective sons (4) who are part owners now, and feel so good for them, bad for their dad's. We all raised our kids to be better than us, take all our good and leave the rest for crying out loud. Well, they have and it's driving two middle aged men crazy A

newnormal4me

I have a dear friend that separated from her husband back in April and is just finalizing a divorce now. We have been friends for 4 years and all this time she always said she couldn't even drink a beer (she is a recovered addict). Over the past month and a half I hardly heard from her and when I did it was always a text. So I am at the store the other night and a checkout line away I see a person's backside that looks just like her with a big burly guy. I thought for sure it was her, but didn't go up to her in fear that I was mistaken and would look like a fool. She finally txted me the other day and I got out of her that it was her, she is seeing someone, etc. So I call her and she answers, and I could tell she was tipsy! She admitted to being at a bar with him having a beer! She also admitted to getting drunk a few days ago, blah, blah. So...my heart broke because I have missed her so much and she was always such a help to me. And now I know why she's been avoiding me and my codie side wants to lay in to her. I really fear for her right now, but I have refrained from any contact. I seriously don't know what to say to her!!!

Sorry to hijack, but just shared that to say I fear doing what you did and it getting all twisted up...so I am remaining silent. I honestly have no clue what to do since I am far from any kind of recovery in myself at this point. UGH

greeteachday

I found when I was in my first year of working a program, I tended to want to not only work it everywhere (which was great; recovery isn't just about dealing with addicts or alcoholics) but also to explain it everywhere. I think it is sort of like the Pink Cloud for our side.

I came to the realization that I did not have to explain myself in great detail. I could own my stuff without having to explain why I do what I do. I think for me, that need to explain ad nauseum was related to still wanting to control that which was not mine to control. If I am honest with myself , then if someone doesn't want to know why I acted as I did, just correcting my action is sufficient. Letting go of my need to explain until I thought they "got it" brought me a lot of peace.

greeteachday

Chino, I don't know if this is what was on that thread, but this info off Mississippi State U's Student Counseling Services website about that topic was interesting and enlightening.


HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
• You can say no or yes, and you are ok when others say no to you.
• You have a strong sense of identity. You respect yourself.
• You expect reciprocity in a relationship—you share responsibility and power.
• You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
• You share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
• You don’t tolerate abuse or disrespect.
• You know your own wants, needs and feelings. You communicate them clearly in your
relationships.
• You are committed to and responsible for exploring and nurturing your full potential.
• You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. You allow others to be
responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
• You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
• You know your limits. You allow others to define their limits.
• You are able to ask for help when you need it.
• You don’t compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection.

COLLAPSED BOUNDARIES
• You can’t say no, because you are afraid of rejection or abandonment.
• Your identity consists of what you think others want you to be. You are a chameleon.
• You have no balance of power or responsibility in your relationships. You tend to be either
overly responsible and controlling or passive and dependent.
• You take on other’s problems as your own.
• You share personal information too soon. . .before establishing mutual trust/sharing.
• You have a high tolerance for abuse or being treated with disrespect.
• Your wants needs and feelings are secondary to others’and are sometimes determined by
others.
• You ignore your inner voice and allow others expectations to define your potential.
• You feel responsible for other’s happiness and fulfillment and sometimes rely on your
relationships to create that for you.
• You tend to absorb the feelings of others.
• You rely on others opinions, feelings and ideas more than you do your own.
• You allow others to define your limits or try to define limits for others.
• You compromise your values and beliefs in order to please others or to avoid conflict.

RIGID BOUNDARIES
• You are likely to say no if the request involves close interaction.
• You avoid intimacy (pick fights, stay too busy, etc.)
• You fear abandonment OR engulfment, so you avoid closeness.
• You rarely share personal information.
• You have difficulty identifying wants, needs, feelings.
• You have few or no close relationships. If you have a partner, you have very separate lives and
virtually no shared social life.
• You rarely ask for help.
• You do not allow yourself to connect with other people and their problems.

Chino

Thanks! That's the one and it's one hell of an eye opener!

sofacat

I found when I was in my first year of working a program, I tended to want to not only work it everywhere (which was great; recovery isn't just about dealing with addicts or alcoholics) but also to explain it everywhere. I think it is sort of like the Pink Cloud for our side.

I AM doing this at times.

I came to the realization that I did not have to explain myself in great detail. I could own my stuff without having to explain why I do what I do. I think for me, that need to explain ad nauseum was related to still wanting to control that which was not mine to control. If I am honest with myself , then if someone doesn't want to know why I acted as I did, just correcting my action is sufficient. Letting go of my need to explain until I thought they "got it" brought me a lot of peace.

Excellent point. You are absolutely right!! Thank you. I needed to hear this tonight, and I need to remind myself this tomorrow.