Notices

My Daily Gripe

Old 08-06-2010, 05:08 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Pekin, IL
Posts: 11
Exclamation My Daily Gripe

O.K. I can't hit a meeting tonight and if I did I wouldn't let loose anything like this and I would always reiterate the positives about each of the negative things I mention, and maybe I should do that in writing tonight as well. But, I am in a hurry as I have my daughter and just wanted to put all the reasons I am having a bad day down quickly and share ... I find getting the stuff out helps. I need to get in a better mood so I can be a good father to my daughter this weekend and I am scared about the fact I am not going to a meeting again until Sunday - meetings keep me sober ... without them I get grumpy, sad, withdrawn, irritable, and become a down right PITA lol .. So I'm stressed, worried, etc ... but that's life - learning to deal with these new emotions I always masked before, right ? Sigh ...

Anyways .. here is what I wrote in notepad

"Got a small paycheck - de motivating
Realized I am going to be making $225 a week after taxes, I may be able to live on that but I can't get out of my mom's house or make any progress towards rebuilding my life without depending on others. I have already lived with my mom, at 32 years of age, for over 2 months and it doesn't seem healthy to me - especially knowing it will be more than another month, possibly two or three until I can get my own place if I am lucky. Even then I will not be able to afford it with the money I make currently.
The WII didn't work - feel like i let my daughter down and feel like a failure because I can't afford to spend $20 buying a sensor bar so we can play the game that we rented, which she loves and pretty much built our entire night around.
Heard my daughter talking about the trips she took with her mother and her new boyfriend, eating at ARBYs, any small thing she mentions I seem to be looking at and telling myself I can't do that stuff for her.
Realizing I most likely seriously screwed up things by leaving my ex - although I am glad she is happy and found a new man she is truly happy with ...and I know I couldn't have ever made her truly happy - I think sobriety has brought me serious regrets about ending things with her and lots of second guesses. I had none of those until recently. It isn't a debilitating feeling of heart break but it does make me sad - weird thing is I really don't feel attraction towards her or think of laying with her or doing things with her. I think about the "family" i lost and the idea of coming home after a hard day of work, being able to talk to her, and comfort each other ... Be supportive to each other.
I can't hit a meeting because I don't have anyone to watch my daughter and do not feel comfortable taking her.
All day at work there was talk about pain pills and drinking. A guy showed me a Qualitest norco and asked me to ID it - obviously it is already known at work that I know my narcotics. My past bankruptcy was brought up because it is public record. there was more talk about narcotics during break which I literally had to walk away from. I didn't do well myself at work today at all ... which was another frustration. Oh yeah, I hate my job pay aside ! But it is all I can do without a drivers license and my criminal record .. "
newagerml is offline  
Old 08-06-2010, 05:16 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,045
Nice vent :

now breathe...

enjoy the weekend with your daughter...then hit that Sunday meeting

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 08-06-2010, 05:20 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Laozi Old Man
 
Boleo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by newagerml View Post

... but that's life - learning to deal with these new emotions I always masked before, right ?
Right! Those that say "Don't drink, go to meetings, life will get better" are doing newcomers to recovery a disservice.

It is not life (the outside world) that gets better. It is emotions, equanimity and coping skills that gets better.

Now that I am "recovered", I still have bad days (maybe more than ever).
However, if I stay spiritually fit, nothing can disturb me enough that I feel that I am suffering. Like the old Buddhist saying:

"In this life
pain is inevitable
suffering is optional"
Boleo is offline  
Old 08-06-2010, 05:24 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Pekin, IL
Posts: 11
thanks Dee - miss chatting

Boleo - EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Someone needed to basically slap me and say quit whining lol ... I know the problems are small but wow they can seem so small in our sick minds some times and this was one of those times. I was really getting wrapped around getting out of my mom's house and getting my own place ASAP buy you know what .... SCREW IT ! God has his plans, I am just here to love them out .. It is easier to say it and harder to do it though lol - getting better as time goes on
newagerml is offline  
Old 08-06-2010, 05:28 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,330
I'm glad you got it all out.

Now, enjoy your daughter. And, I know that kids love to go out and do things, but they also love to spend time with their Dad. Maybe you could make breakfast together in the morning. When my kids were young, I was constantly looking in the paper for any kind of free events at the local zoo, library, swiming pool. Your daughter will thrive on spending time with her sober Dad.
Anna is online now  
Old 08-06-2010, 06:09 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Here at SR and at AA meetings, it is often suggested that acceptance is one of the first steps toward change. This may seem easy to do, but for many of us who are accustomed to instant gratification, it's really tough to slow down, accept where we are at this time and put together a plan that enables us to address the very things that are disturbing us in our present situation. We also have a tendency, especially as men, to equate our self-worth with our ability to make money and provide for our families. Sometimes we find ourselves in what we consider undesirable situations, and we're unable to see the benefits or value of that situation if we're too close to it.

The problems you listed in your post have some good features that we often easily overlook. One that comes to mind is the present residence with your mother, who can be there for you, you can be there for her during this time, can build a stronger bond, and allow the relationship between her and her granddaughter to blossum and grow as well. Secondly, you may occasionally be able to have your mom watch your daughter when you need to get out, hit a meeting or just catch some fresh air. The lack of a dl is a real pain, but there are options available for transport, although some require us to ask for help, which is a real humbler for most of us.

You see what I'm getting at, this acceptance thing really does help ease the mental anquish we feel if we're able to see the options available to us as we strive to let go of the booze, dead relationships, past memories that haunt us daily and rebuild our lives anew, with a new foundation and direction.

Enjoy your weekend and next week will look much better.
firestorm090 is offline  
Old 08-06-2010, 07:05 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Zebra1275's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,836
Sometime when I'm down because of some situation I think of something like this.


I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet. ~Ancient Persian Saying
Zebra1275 is offline  
Old 08-06-2010, 07:56 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Can your mom sometimes watch your daughter while you go to a meeting?

Firestorm had some GREAT thoughts. We ALL want instant gratification, but sometimes there are good things that we learn from trying circumstances.

Remember to watch out for the resentments. We all have annoyances, but when we start feeling like we want to explode with frustration, that's an indicator we are building up a storehouse of resentments, which can lead to a relapse.

Keep breathing, and have a good weekend. Kids are resilient--they like instant gratification, too, but they also adjust quickly.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 08-06-2010, 08:10 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Grateful Member
 
julez's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
There are so many nice things to do with your daughter. How about the park, the library, going fishing? These quiet activities will allow you to spend quality time with your daughter, take your mind off the stresses of your life, and get you out of your moms house for a bit. And if it makes you take your mind of alcohol for even one moment more than you would've, then thats just bonus!!
julez is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:03 PM.