nodaybut2day

This is going to be long, so bear with me please.

Because I have to keep all correspondence sent by XAH for documentation, I retrieved the messages he sent me and my family, and read them. I'm not sure if this was a mistake or not.

A lot of what was in the email was surprising to me, and has shaken my resolve to keep him out of DD's life for good. It was easier for me when he showed no interest whatsoever, but I have to be honest here: I'm wondering if I should give him another chance at being a responsible father. Many of my internet friends and one IRL friend would tell me to jump at what XAH's is offering. My family...not so much...

Here's part of what he wrote in three different emails:
I have made repeated attempts to make contact with you without any response. I have appologized for not accepting your demands, and said that I would be willing to cooperate now. At the time I had no idea that you would be so foolish as to remove DD's father from her life.

This is the first of many e-mails. Once a month, begining with the e-mail to follow I am going to send you a request to see my daughter, and I am going to print out the sent e-mail and save it. Its very important to me that one day DD knows that I wanted nothing more than to be with her. When she is 14 and can legally choose to live with me if she wants I will have delivered to her all of the evidence I have accumulated thus far, which clearly points to you intentionally being responsible for her growing up not knowing her father or brother along with the (by that time) 155 ignored requests to see her.

You may think that you can then tell her that I was a bad person, or unhealthy to be around, or any one of the lies you also told to the courts but the reality is that I still have DSS, and he absolutely does not agree with you. Hard to combat a 25 year long eye witness.


There are lies and put downs in this email...there were no repeated attempts to contact me, nor was there an apology, DSS does not live with him anymore, and he threatens me once more. The next email gets more...compliant.

As you know, I want desperately to see my daughter. I love DD so much! I have missed her every day. I fall asleep thinking about her, dream about her every night, and look through what little pictures you left me of her every morning.

I am willing to cooperate with you regardless of however much I may disagree with your demands. Please call me or e-mail me.

To everybody else recieving this... Please help DD. She deserves to know her father and brother. Whatever NoDay has told you about me is not true. There is a reason why my son wanted to live with me over the last 3 years and why his mother agreed. It's because I am a good and loving father.

I can see the barbs and attempts at guilting me...and they're working. I wonder if perhaps he's ready to change, perhaps because I've never seen him write anything of the sort for his 3 other children. I also have some fear that if I do not respond to him, I could be held accountable for it legally.

I'm a bit lost today and could use some good ol' SR wisdom.

HisChild

I honestly don't know if I have any wisdom but have you talked to a lawyer? They may have more insight to the legal side of it all. Good luck!

cmc

Actions speak louder than words; actions over a period of time. Words don't cut it with me when it comes to making important judgements about how others' will affect my life and well being.

nodaybut2day

Legally speaking, i have sole custody and discretion over visitation. He never showed up in court, and his history of not caring for DD made the judge rule in my favour.

A few months ago, he wanted me to drive DD over to his new place but refused to let me supervise the visitation, saying I was THE ENEMY and that he wouldn't "bend to my will". I denied him visitation unless he let me ease DD into seeing him again (his visitation before then had been spotty).

suki44883

If he wants to see her so badly, he'll make the trip to your area to do so, and not spend the whole visit bitching about it. Perhaps arrange an outing at a nice park somewhere so he can spend time with her. That's about as far as I'd be willing to go though, especially while your daughter is so young.

ElegantlyWasted

Not knowing you or your x this is my take. His correspondence contains overt and thinly veiled threats.

" At the time I had no idea that you would be so foolish as to remove DD's father from her life."

He's definitly irrationally slamming you with the "foolish"... No where does he mention any proactive steps he has personally taken nor govem a reason as to how he would be a positive influence. Sounds like he is a mad 2 year old and any attorney or CPS agent would see right through it. His verbage could evem be groumds for a restraining order. Do gou have an atty you could vet this through to calm your nerves?

wicked

NoDay,
Isnt this bit quite uh, insane? The DSS is living with his bio mom now, and you have communication with him?
who else is "receiving" this missive from this man?
show your attorney. if this is not straight libe/slander, then it is harassment to the nth degree. what a maroon.
noday, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. believe me, he will not hold on to 14 years of emails, and even if he did, what good would it do. your daughter will have seen and heard enough on her own to make up her mind.
but, now, when she is still a toddler, you need to do everything in your power to protect her from this abusive alcoholic man.
please, look at DD's face, remember how he cares for her. no more. no more of that for her.
Thank you, there may be some of my issues in there too. sorry for the rant.

Beth

Lola1024

It occurs to me that he might have had some coaching or assistance writing these. With email you never know. I had to write some letters when visitation was being violated with my daughter (20+ years ago) and did get coaching from my attorney. Just a thought. You know the man, his history and behaviors. That is more telling the the written word in my opinion - anyone can write things and change reality at will. Don't doubt yourself or your instincts as a mother.

ChrrisT

I agree with Elegant and Wicked

Not knowing the details, only going by the words of the email.

He's telling you BIG PLANS to - write these millions of emails as proof of what? His love for his child. Wow it should be that easy.

What do we know about the "promises" alcoholics make?

And second - this doesn't sound like an email from someone who is kind, loving and misses his daughter.

It just comes across as manipulative and just down right disgusting. Pleading with the others reading this to "please help DD"

A couple emails don't mean anything real has changed - you know that.

naive

hi nodaybut2day-

words are cheap. i want to remind you that he is irresponsible to the point of fleeing on his apartment, not showing up in court, and not traveling to see DD.

i get the gist of his writing, but again, words are cheap. if he wants to see DD, then he can travel to where she is and spend supervised visitation with her that you are comfortable with.

you can not hand over your daughter to an active alcoholic. a million different accidents could happen. i know you know this.

and also, do you really think that someone who loses their apartment is saving up pieces of paper to deliver 10 years from now? he'll be lucky to hold onto his drivers license or passport in that period.

i watched my xABF cry about his two babies. night after night, he lost sleep because he couldn't see them. he has their names tattooed on his neck and also on his forearms. he has a picture of his daughter tattoo'ed on his bicep.

but you know what? when it comes to sending them money or drinking, he drinks. he will actually moan about missing them as he drinks a lager. i always said, put some sweeties in an envelope or ten dollars and post it. he always said, no, it must be 100 dollars. i said 10 dollars to a kid is a fortune. he didn't send it.

so, whilst perhaps he wants to see DD, please pay attention to his actions. does he take the bus cross town to meet her? does he send a wee card and a few dollars for a treat for her?

naive

nodaybut2day

Some stats and details:

• 22 visits took place between October 31, 2009 and May 22, 2010.
• 18 of them were facilitated by me (I drove DD there and back, provided food + diapers)
  
• 8 supplemental visits were cancelled or forgotten outright.

Several threats were made since my departure on October 31, 2009, such as:

• "You don’t know what it will cost you to take my child away from me
• I'll reveal all your dirty secrets
• I'll tell your friends and family and employers you were a stripper, and you liked child porn
• You're on my list (of people I plan on killing)
• I'll take your child away from you
• I'll charge your father with child abuse"
• ...etc etc

And of course, there was...

• the 2-3 liters of booze he poured down his throat every night
• the millions of cuts he inflicted on himself whenever he "felt bad"
• the sleeping pills he took when he drank to "forget about the world"
• the cocaine he snorted and sold
• the verbal abuse he dished out on me, DSS and his family
• the HUMONGOUS and ongoing lies about his past
• the weapons he kept in the house
• the parole violation and criminal record he has in the States
• the 3 sons from 3 different mothers he tried to swindle...

No matter how I stack it, this guy is just...horrid. And yet people are telling that he has a RIGHT to see his 4th child, our daughter.

Fandy

he drinks heavily, cuts himself, mixes pills with booze, has weapons, deals drugs.

He's not able to take care of a goldfish, much less be responsible for a toddler. if he wants to see his dd so badly, let him call you with a plan for an hour or 2 of activity with her in a structured setting....bet it will never happen.

I think the judge made the correct ruling when he gave you SOLE custody. don't fall for his line of garbage....he is trying to suck you in.

tigger11

Oh my dear NoDay... if it's at all possible, don't let that many anywhere near your child! He sounds thoroughly dangerous, both physically and mentally to me. I add my voice to those who suggest that you show the email(s) to an attorney. Your DD needs protection from him, as do you!

Huggs!
Tigg

suki44883

the 2-3 liters of booze he poured down his throat every night

the millions of cuts he inflicted on himself whenever he "felt bad"

the sleeping pills he took when he drank to "forget about the world"
the cocaine he snorted and sold

the verbal abuse he dished out on me, DSS and his family

the HUMONGOUS and ongoing lies about his past

the weapons he kept in the house

the parole violation and criminal record he has in the States

the 3 sons from 3 different mothers he tried to swindle...

Oh my. I had no idea about all this. Yeah, you have full custody. Do whatever you need to do to keep your daughter safe. If that means she doesn't see her dad, so be it.

Learn2Live

noday, this is what really stands out for me.
The court gave you the discretion over visitation. Did it grant him any rights regarding visition, for instance, he can pick her up and keep her every other weekend? Because I'll be honest, his email sounds like a whole lot of quacking to me. I think you are panicking about what he MIGHT do in the FUTURE.

TakingCharge999

At the time I had no idea that you would be so foolish as to remove DD's father from her life.

What a manipulative statement of self denial. HE REMOVED HIMSELF FROM HER LIFE WITH HIS ACTIONS, PERIOD.

It is not what you want only, as he tries to convey. It was a court ruling. So who cares what he thinks... its what the law rulings say now. A bunch of emails? what an incredible father. Is he going to type themselves or put an automatic rule? UGH.

I am so happy the courts decided on your favor ! you are so strong.. hugs!

stilllearning

Whoa - Noday, that is some list.

Good for you for writing it - keep writing and never forget. A judge gave you sole custody with good reason and those reasons are on that list.

I heard a great quote some years ago - having a child doesn't instantly make you a parent any more than getting a piano can instantly make you a pianist. "Parent" is a verb for a reason. Love and care and work and perseverance are the "doing" elements of what is a huge job - the biggest job. A judge decided to allocate you that whole job, all by yourself, rather than let this man share the load. That speaks volumes.

What he "wants" is his business. I'm absolutely certain that you will continue to do the best for your child. If that means letting him back in her life at some stage - you'll do it. But by court order - that's a privilege for him, not a right - and he created the circumstances that made it this way. You didn't cause it ;-)

Hugs,

SL.

ChrrisT

Well the details are shocking. But not surprising.

And I must say - and pardon me I don't mean to hurtful -but if you were to allow him influence and care over daughter voluntarily - (I)would question your parenting.

Not that I matter - but why would you do that? why would you even think it?

No - you're having a weak moment - it will pass!!! It better pass

ChrrisT

One other thing

The court's decision is based on - what is in best interest of the child

That is it - they made the right decision.
You stand by it. Proudly.

Screw them! I wonder how often he's asked to babysit. It's so easy to run their mouth and have opinion when it's not their kid.

JenT1968

indeed. "oooh I'll suggest a playdate for DD and little jonny at ex's house then shall I?" sounds like a good retort if people really do suggest otherwise.

There is good evidence that children suffer when deprived of a relationship with both parents, in terms of self-esteem, teenage pregnancy, drug and alcohol addictions etc, which is where the general drive to keep children involved with both parents comes from.

I am IN NO WAY suggesting you drive DD over to his and leave her there as a result of his threats, but talk to your solicitor about the legalities. It may be that an open offer on your email set to reply with "please contact my solicitor to arrange structured, supervised contact with our daughter" will cover your back legally and help demonstrate to your daughter in later life that it is not you frustrating contact, but him not stepping up (because I very much doubt he'll bother). A second avenue worth pursuing is perhaps a child psychologist about how you can buffer your daughter's self esteem and how to talk to her about her dad in a way that fosters her sence of belonging to that part of her heritage even if he doesn't engage in a positive way.

These are the sorts of things I have been looking at.