Memory Lapses
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Memory Lapses
This past week, I have been getting home from work at 6.30PM and chatting to my AH about my day. He sits there bleary eyed, tired and slurry but with a diet coke in his hand. I think he is trying to 'show' me that he is not drinking when quite clearly he is. He gets home about 4pm.
A handful of times this week, I have found myself having to repeat myself to him as I mention something I have already told him but he has no knowledge of it. Yesterday evening, he actually swore blind that I had told him that I would be going to an Al-anon meeting tonight when I actually told him that I wouldnt be going because I had something else that I needed to do. He got a bit defensive about this and swore blind that I had told him the opposite. Eventually I said that I was getting a bit tired of repeating myself to him, and he blamed it on being tired at work and having a lot to cope with. (I know its his drinking!)
Now - I am still learning how to live with an Alcoholic and want to know if I can actually call him on this - for example: If I come in from work and he looks drunk and asks me about my day, can I say 'I would love to tell you about my day, but I can see you have been drinking and I am a bit tired of having to repeat things to you as you dont seem to remember what I have told you. When you are sober, perhaps ask me about my day then' Is this allowing him to feel the effects of his drinking in a nice way?
Im no good at this talking but not accusing thing! as I have had no practice.
he has no re
A handful of times this week, I have found myself having to repeat myself to him as I mention something I have already told him but he has no knowledge of it. Yesterday evening, he actually swore blind that I had told him that I would be going to an Al-anon meeting tonight when I actually told him that I wouldnt be going because I had something else that I needed to do. He got a bit defensive about this and swore blind that I had told him the opposite. Eventually I said that I was getting a bit tired of repeating myself to him, and he blamed it on being tired at work and having a lot to cope with. (I know its his drinking!)
Now - I am still learning how to live with an Alcoholic and want to know if I can actually call him on this - for example: If I come in from work and he looks drunk and asks me about my day, can I say 'I would love to tell you about my day, but I can see you have been drinking and I am a bit tired of having to repeat things to you as you dont seem to remember what I have told you. When you are sober, perhaps ask me about my day then' Is this allowing him to feel the effects of his drinking in a nice way?
Im no good at this talking but not accusing thing! as I have had no practice.
he has no re
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Been there and oh Lord, how infuriating it was, repeating myself, dissecting replies for accuracy and deciding whether it was him or me who was nuts.
Being accused of telling him things I knew nothing about, NOT passing on messages etc, or "making" him late for meetings.
I learned how to detach, but as time went on I decided I did not want a marriage of detachment on my part, and a drunken non-husband, but kept hoping.
His saying he chose drink over our 27 year marriage, ended it immediately for me.
Being with a full blown active A, is not living....it is more like martyrdom, and sacrifice, and to me it is a total waste of effort, life and possiblities.
God bless
Being accused of telling him things I knew nothing about, NOT passing on messages etc, or "making" him late for meetings.
I learned how to detach, but as time went on I decided I did not want a marriage of detachment on my part, and a drunken non-husband, but kept hoping.
His saying he chose drink over our 27 year marriage, ended it immediately for me.
Being with a full blown active A, is not living....it is more like martyrdom, and sacrifice, and to me it is a total waste of effort, life and possiblities.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I had good results with the short and pleasant version of daily events with my XABF when were living together. He, too, had memory lapses and would be irritated if I didn't have enthusiasm with my replies the second or third time repeating them, so I understand your plight.
Short and sweet does best. I think no explanations of boundaries are helpful with an active alcoholic as much as we feel the need for them to understand and acknowledge why we are having to take these measures. Explaining in detail why you are answering him as you are or why you are withholding information is entirely lost and will be interpreted as an accusation anyway.
He asks how was your day, you give a one-word answer but give a 20-word explanation for the one-word answer. All he hears is that he only gets a one-word answer because he's a _____ (fill in the explative).
When I started this way of disengaging from my EX's alcoholic behavior it was difficult and I could think of 100 reasons why I needed to have conversations with him and why I needed him to see why I was mad and why I had reason to be mad. With time, I saw that it was just my expectations at work and I wanted a response he was not capable of giving. I had to get that feedback in my life from other sources and rely on him for only what he was capable of giving.
He really did sense the changes and tried a lot of different quackings and emotional ploys to get things back to what they once were, but I stayed the course. There were times when he would be sober and would be conversational and we could sit and watch a show or have a meal together. Those were good moments and I refrained from bringing up his drinking or other hot topics. There were a few times he sat back and smiled and said "this is nice," and I would smile back and say I thought so too, but nothing more than that. The urge was there to explain to him that if he stayed sober those moments could stretch longer and we could probably stay together, but I understood by that point that he did know those things but had to battle the big decision they posed all on his own. If he wanted more of the same, he'd have to stay sober. I gave it time, and he chose not to pursue sobriety.
It's my experience with it, but I hope this helps you a little.
Alice
Short and sweet does best. I think no explanations of boundaries are helpful with an active alcoholic as much as we feel the need for them to understand and acknowledge why we are having to take these measures. Explaining in detail why you are answering him as you are or why you are withholding information is entirely lost and will be interpreted as an accusation anyway.
He asks how was your day, you give a one-word answer but give a 20-word explanation for the one-word answer. All he hears is that he only gets a one-word answer because he's a _____ (fill in the explative).
When I started this way of disengaging from my EX's alcoholic behavior it was difficult and I could think of 100 reasons why I needed to have conversations with him and why I needed him to see why I was mad and why I had reason to be mad. With time, I saw that it was just my expectations at work and I wanted a response he was not capable of giving. I had to get that feedback in my life from other sources and rely on him for only what he was capable of giving.
He really did sense the changes and tried a lot of different quackings and emotional ploys to get things back to what they once were, but I stayed the course. There were times when he would be sober and would be conversational and we could sit and watch a show or have a meal together. Those were good moments and I refrained from bringing up his drinking or other hot topics. There were a few times he sat back and smiled and said "this is nice," and I would smile back and say I thought so too, but nothing more than that. The urge was there to explain to him that if he stayed sober those moments could stretch longer and we could probably stay together, but I understood by that point that he did know those things but had to battle the big decision they posed all on his own. If he wanted more of the same, he'd have to stay sober. I gave it time, and he chose not to pursue sobriety.
It's my experience with it, but I hope this helps you a little.
Alice
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
Thank your for bringing up this topic. I have a great deal of frustration with this memory thing too. Abf has blackouts pretty often and is unable to admit this. Makes me NUTS sometimes so I will be curious to see how more people deal with it. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 28
My husband does this too... I will tell him something and the next day he will ask the same question. I would usually say "I told you yesterday... don't you remember?"
But yeah if you know he's drinking and that he won't remember what you said, save your emotional energy. You will have more engagement talking to the wall.
But yeah if you know he's drinking and that he won't remember what you said, save your emotional energy. You will have more engagement talking to the wall.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Beautiful Alice. Thank you for breaking down the insanity of trying to have a normal, healthy, fulfilling relationship with an A.
Even today, while I am seperated from my AH, we have infuriating conversations-just when trying to communicate simple mechanics of how to deal with the kids. I hung up on him yesterday out of frustration rather than try to explain or make sense of wft he was saying.
At least I don't have to live with him, or rely on him for anythng other than shared child care. That makes my life worth living again.
Even today, while I am seperated from my AH, we have infuriating conversations-just when trying to communicate simple mechanics of how to deal with the kids. I hung up on him yesterday out of frustration rather than try to explain or make sense of wft he was saying.
At least I don't have to live with him, or rely on him for anythng other than shared child care. That makes my life worth living again.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Yesterday evening, he actually swore blind that I had told him that I would be going to an Al-anon meeting tonight when I actually told him that I wouldnt be going because I had something else that I needed to do. He got a bit defensive about this and swore blind that I had told him the opposite.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
In hindsight I wish I hadn't engaged in conversation with the XAH when he was drinking and wish I hadn't reacted the way I did to some circumstances. I wish I had just gone to SR and ranted or had gone to an alanon meeting. It helped to read the coda books.....Melody Beattie.....and I was in alot of therapy because I had lost touch with what normal was......
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
My AH when coming in the door after drinking (especially now as he was sober for a while and just started drinking again), becomes talkative because he's trying to soothe his own guilt for drinking, and 'tries' to act normal. I answer his questions with plain, simple, language. The other day he went on about how he liked our new outdoor lamp (that we'd installed that afternoon) and whatever else 'I noticed you cleaned up the basement, looks nice and long overdue' blah blah. I have ZERO interest in engaging with him in that state. So I've said things like 'glad you like it', or 'thanks', then on to something else. He usually goes somewhere else like his office to listen to music, but if he hangs around too much I will say goodnight or otherwise excuse myself. Don't waste your energy when they are in that state, on trying to communicate or trying to get a message to them. Really, in the recent weeks I've had a bit of a turnabout and I realize that it's not up to me to even try to 'send' him a message, even a basic communication like 'we could have great moments like this if you didn't drink'. It won't help, it won't change anything. I tell myself that his sobriety is his business and it is. This attitude allows me to control myself and my needs, and leaves him stewing in his. And he started to go to meeting this week. If I had engaged with him in a less healthy way, perhaps it wouldn't have happened that way.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
In my experience with my XA, I found that "memory lapses" were just a manipulation. I do understand that memory lapses are common in alcoholics, and those with ptsd (which mine had)...but of course, I look back and question just about EVERYTHING now.
I remember when he and and got in touch again after a few years had past.... and one of his charming points was his ability to recall the slightest detail, he told me he remembered specific pictures of me and would describe them, pics he hadn't seen in 3 years, and were only on FB for a moment.
However, when thinsg went downhill for us, he used memory lapse as a passive aggressive tactic, saying he forgot that he made lunch plans with me...that's why he didn't call. Ummmmm, yeah, emotional abuse for sure with him.
I can't help but think most everything is a calculated thought with him and many of them. Just my experience.
I remember when he and and got in touch again after a few years had past.... and one of his charming points was his ability to recall the slightest detail, he told me he remembered specific pictures of me and would describe them, pics he hadn't seen in 3 years, and were only on FB for a moment.
However, when thinsg went downhill for us, he used memory lapse as a passive aggressive tactic, saying he forgot that he made lunch plans with me...that's why he didn't call. Ummmmm, yeah, emotional abuse for sure with him.
I can't help but think most everything is a calculated thought with him and many of them. Just my experience.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
I'm sorry YESBUTNOBUT question about this
he is actively drinking with no intention of stopping or seeking help or treatment? and lies to you about it?
Now - I am still learning how to live with an Alcoholic
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Join Date: Aug 2002
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I might not post very often, but I am here almost every day. I have to commend you guys for a pretty terrific thread. I love how everyone is sharing his/her own Experience, Strength and Hope instead of telling YBNB what she "should" be doing.
Each of us is at our own place in our journey. It's good to remember that, and also that there are new people on this forum every day.... people who are just coming to the realization that someone they love might be drinking too much and it's really starting to bother them. This might be the very first thread that a new person reads - and what a terrific way to be introduced to some of the basic concepts of our recovery. I was that new person many years ago... and so were each of us here. I know that I do best when i can read what others have experienced, what others have tried, and then I can slowly apply some of those new strategies into my own life.
I'm sorry for what you're going thru, YesButNoBut. It's obvious that many others have similar experiences. for me, part of the disease was that I felt totally isolated. Most of my friends and family didn't know or understand, or couldn't begin to comprehend what my private life was like - what our life was really like behind closed doors. One of my greatest gifts in starting my own recovery was that I learned - even in my darkest times - that I felt better knowing I wasn't alone, that others had been thru similar drama etc.
Hugs,
Cats
Each of us is at our own place in our journey. It's good to remember that, and also that there are new people on this forum every day.... people who are just coming to the realization that someone they love might be drinking too much and it's really starting to bother them. This might be the very first thread that a new person reads - and what a terrific way to be introduced to some of the basic concepts of our recovery. I was that new person many years ago... and so were each of us here. I know that I do best when i can read what others have experienced, what others have tried, and then I can slowly apply some of those new strategies into my own life.
I'm sorry for what you're going thru, YesButNoBut. It's obvious that many others have similar experiences. for me, part of the disease was that I felt totally isolated. Most of my friends and family didn't know or understand, or couldn't begin to comprehend what my private life was like - what our life was really like behind closed doors. One of my greatest gifts in starting my own recovery was that I learned - even in my darkest times - that I felt better knowing I wasn't alone, that others had been thru similar drama etc.
Hugs,
Cats
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
I don't remember the last few years of my drinking career. And that is a shame not only for me, but more importantly for the people in my life that I love, and that love me, and that I shared important moments with along the way. That sucks that he is missing out on so much of life, but that's what we do while active in our addictions... heck that probably applies both to the alcoholics, but the people who love them as well.
Take care of you.
Take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Hey, Yesbutnobut!
Wondering how you are doing. Hoping you have found some insight and some confidence in the replies to help you.
Each day was a new day for me as I began recovery and began applying the helpful tools I was learning each day not just in how to cope living each day with an active drinker and pot user, but in so many other areas of my life. I was reminded often by the wise folks here that it is about progress not perfection. Sometimes you get a flash of understanding and it all seems to make sense, and then something triggers your emotions or there is a change in your day-to-day and it feels like a backslide. Each day is a new day to try again and it's okay to have to write things down and keep little slogans for reference to help remember what to do when you are in the heat of the moment.
When it came to engaging with my XABF I thought of the following:
K.I.S.S - Keep it simple silly. - helped me to remember step back and say less not more and to stop pushing buttons I didn't really want to push.
and
Let go or be dragged - This was relatable for me as a rider of some very difficult horses over the years. - My XABF was going to do what he was going to do. I could keep trying to change his course to my detriment, or I could let go, stay intact, and allow him to change his path on his own. I applied the principle for years to my horses and yet it never occurred to me to apply it in relationships.
Hoping you're well.
Alice
Wondering how you are doing. Hoping you have found some insight and some confidence in the replies to help you.
Each day was a new day for me as I began recovery and began applying the helpful tools I was learning each day not just in how to cope living each day with an active drinker and pot user, but in so many other areas of my life. I was reminded often by the wise folks here that it is about progress not perfection. Sometimes you get a flash of understanding and it all seems to make sense, and then something triggers your emotions or there is a change in your day-to-day and it feels like a backslide. Each day is a new day to try again and it's okay to have to write things down and keep little slogans for reference to help remember what to do when you are in the heat of the moment.
When it came to engaging with my XABF I thought of the following:
K.I.S.S - Keep it simple silly. - helped me to remember step back and say less not more and to stop pushing buttons I didn't really want to push.
and
Let go or be dragged - This was relatable for me as a rider of some very difficult horses over the years. - My XABF was going to do what he was going to do. I could keep trying to change his course to my detriment, or I could let go, stay intact, and allow him to change his path on his own. I applied the principle for years to my horses and yet it never occurred to me to apply it in relationships.
Hoping you're well.
Alice
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