need better boundaries obviously
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
need better boundaries obviously
the family next door that never says no to their only child? Today I was harrassed mercilessly by them by text.
I was on a conference call with work while this was going on!
I had to tell him NO several times, he would ask if she could come over.
me: No I've got a conference call.
CAn she come over afterwords?
Me; No we're running errands.
Can she come along on errands?
Me:No, I want to hang out alone with my kids.
You can send them over her if you want.
Me: No, I want to be alone with my kids today.
four minutes after I pulled in the driveway, he called and asked if she could come over. NO I said. This is when what I have been dreading occurred
HIM: I wish I'd known this earlier, she's been waiting to play with the boys.
Me: are you kidding? I told you no all morning.
him: Well, to be fair it's my fualt for not providing her with stimulating child care
me: Good luck with that. By my count, there's nothing you can do to make her happy because she intentionally refuses whatever you offer her
Him: Well, (whining now) that doesn't happen in a vacuum, we allow it.
my business partner has had a crisis and I now have to do her work as well as mine.
My freelance employer just heaped a ton more work on me
I'm suppose to be packing and moving
I think I'll just not answer the phone anymore when he calls. Seriously. I"m sad this has happened but I'm so frustrated and judegmental of them it's not a good environment..
I was on a conference call with work while this was going on!
I had to tell him NO several times, he would ask if she could come over.
me: No I've got a conference call.
CAn she come over afterwords?
Me; No we're running errands.
Can she come along on errands?
Me:No, I want to hang out alone with my kids.
You can send them over her if you want.
Me: No, I want to be alone with my kids today.
four minutes after I pulled in the driveway, he called and asked if she could come over. NO I said. This is when what I have been dreading occurred
HIM: I wish I'd known this earlier, she's been waiting to play with the boys.
Me: are you kidding? I told you no all morning.
him: Well, to be fair it's my fualt for not providing her with stimulating child care
me: Good luck with that. By my count, there's nothing you can do to make her happy because she intentionally refuses whatever you offer her
Him: Well, (whining now) that doesn't happen in a vacuum, we allow it.
my business partner has had a crisis and I now have to do her work as well as mine.
My freelance employer just heaped a ton more work on me
I'm suppose to be packing and moving
I think I'll just not answer the phone anymore when he calls. Seriously. I"m sad this has happened but I'm so frustrated and judegmental of them it's not a good environment..
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,864
Good grief! If it were me, I'd tell them that while I am working, no one comes to the house. I can't believe he said... I wish I'd known this earlier, she's been waiting to play with the boys! And then to say... Well, to be fair it's my fualt for not providing her with stimulating child care! Like it's YOUR fault?? Sorry, I guess I'm just too mean, but there is no way THAT conversation would ever happen again. Geez.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Suki! Thank you SO much. I'm feeling pretty weirded out and a bit like, "am I crazy or are you crazy? Because this is crazy." I LOVED this man, he was a supportive, funny, good friend to me-until I moved in across the street and discovered that they're raising the next Hannibal Lecter. Ugh..
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
AND I TOLD him I would be on a conference call last night. told him we wouldn't be available.
I know exactly what happened because i've seen it thirty times. He was texting me, reporting the replly back to her and then texting me her wishes.
He wakes her up in the morning before school, CARRIES her to the couch and asks her repeatedly what she wants to eat. She turns it all down. Same thing with what she wants to wear for the day. They're late, every day by HOURS because of this.
I've known this now for almost a year and it's slowly beginning to wear on me. Ok suddenly. AND I don't liei being so judgementle because you know I'm not a perfect parent too right?
But come ON. I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS
Tell me what to do. Tell me how to handle this with grace, if I can after saying those things to him
I know exactly what happened because i've seen it thirty times. He was texting me, reporting the replly back to her and then texting me her wishes.
He wakes her up in the morning before school, CARRIES her to the couch and asks her repeatedly what she wants to eat. She turns it all down. Same thing with what she wants to wear for the day. They're late, every day by HOURS because of this.
I've known this now for almost a year and it's slowly beginning to wear on me. Ok suddenly. AND I don't liei being so judgementle because you know I'm not a perfect parent too right?
But come ON. I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS
Tell me what to do. Tell me how to handle this with grace, if I can after saying those things to him
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,864
Well, like I said before...that kid learned that attitude. It's not entirely her fault. They've just let her get away with it for so long that now it's just the way it is. You said yourself that she acts fine at your place, so it's definitely a problem between them. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors. I just hesitate to put the blame on the kid when kids aren't born that way, they learn that behavior. Like I read here somewhere...we teach people how to treat us. They didn't teach their daughter to respect them.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I don't know what to do. I am afraid, for whatever reason, of offending the parents. I just need emotional detachment because I"m so horrified by her behavior and now feel pushed around by him as well.
Here's the message I want to give him;
JUST SAY NO. YOU'RE THE FREAKING PARENT!
Here's the message I want to give him;
JUST SAY NO. YOU'RE THE FREAKING PARENT!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,864
I've heard it said that when you don't know what to do, do nothing. Just let it go for now. If they call again, either don't answer the phone or just tell them you are too busy right now and then hang up. But just let it go for tonight.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Sounds to me like this is a great opportunity for you to practice "not engaging".
If he can't say no to his child than that is his problem, don't let it become yours and please don't waste all your energy on him and HIS problem. Next time he texts or calls you and you don't want her over, say no once and then ignore the rest of his calls... if he sends her over, tell HER no and send her back. You have soo much going on in your life right now, please don't take on your neighbor as another project.
If he can't say no to his child than that is his problem, don't let it become yours and please don't waste all your energy on him and HIS problem. Next time he texts or calls you and you don't want her over, say no once and then ignore the rest of his calls... if he sends her over, tell HER no and send her back. You have soo much going on in your life right now, please don't take on your neighbor as another project.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
But just let it go for tonight.
And this is perfect. Thanks.
Sounds to me like this is a great opportunity for you to practice "not engaging".
If he can't say no to his child than that is his problem, don't let it become yours and please don't waste all your energy on him and HIS problem. Next time he texts or calls you and you don't want her over, say no once and then ignore the rest of his calls... if he sends her over, tell HER no and send her back. You have soo much going on in your life right now, please don't take on your neighbor as another project.
If he can't say no to his child than that is his problem, don't let it become yours and please don't waste all your energy on him and HIS problem. Next time he texts or calls you and you don't want her over, say no once and then ignore the rest of his calls... if he sends her over, tell HER no and send her back. You have soo much going on in your life right now, please don't take on your neighbor as another project.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
What do you think about this:
I think I'm going to tell my friend how his daughters behavior towards him affects me. I cant be the only person who will reject his child and not want to spend time with her because he allows her to regularly emasculate her father publicly.
I honestly want to know wtf he is thinking. Have I told you is a social worker? He words with inner city ghetto kids who have no family and are wards of the court at 15, 16 years old. He certianly knows how to have boundaries with them, but not his own little princess.
If I can do this kindly, I might be able to help him. I just need that emotional distance.
I think I'm going to tell my friend how his daughters behavior towards him affects me. I cant be the only person who will reject his child and not want to spend time with her because he allows her to regularly emasculate her father publicly.
I honestly want to know wtf he is thinking. Have I told you is a social worker? He words with inner city ghetto kids who have no family and are wards of the court at 15, 16 years old. He certianly knows how to have boundaries with them, but not his own little princess.
If I can do this kindly, I might be able to help him. I just need that emotional distance.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Transform, you did a great job today. You held your ground, you did not cave, and you did not engage or criticize. One day at a time, that's what they tell me. Just keep doing exactly what you did today, and tomorrow will take care of itself.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I feel like I DID CRITICIZE
HIM: I wish I'd known this earlier, she's been waiting to play with the boys.
Me: are you kidding? I told you no all morning.
him: Well, to be fair it's my fualt for not providing her with stimulating child care
me: Good luck with that. By my count, there's nothing you can do to make her happy because she intentionally refuses whatever you offer her
Him: Well, (whining now) that doesn't happen in a vacuum, we allow it.
Me: are you kidding? I told you no all morning.
him: Well, to be fair it's my fualt for not providing her with stimulating child care
me: Good luck with that. By my count, there's nothing you can do to make her happy because she intentionally refuses whatever you offer her
Him: Well, (whining now) that doesn't happen in a vacuum, we allow it.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
It seems to me you just stated the obvious. No judgement at all. Really. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are practicing MAJOR self control here, and you are providing, when you can, on your own terms a good role model for this child. With all you are going through, you are doing great.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Transformy,
This is from one of the sticky posts at the top of the forum. It is about "helplessness"
5. Helplessness and Neediness of Relationship Partners
Maybe you get hooked by the neediness and helplessness of your relationship partners. You find yourself hooked when your partners get into self-pity, "poor me" and "how tough life has been." You find yourself weak when your relationship partners demonstrates an inability to solve personal problems. You find yourself wanting to teach and instruct, when your relationship partners demonstrate or admit ignorance of how to solve problems. You find yourself hooked by verbal and non-verbal cues which cry out to you to "help" your relationship partners even though your partners have the competence to solve the problem on their own. You find yourself feeling warmth, caring and nurturing feelings which help you tear down any shred of boundaries you once had. These sad, weak, distraught, lost, confused and befuddled waifs are so needy that you lose all concept of space and time as you begin to give and give and give. It feels so good. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "No one is helpless without first learning the advantages of being helpless. Helplessness is a learned behavior which is used to manipulate me to give of my resources, energy, time, effort and money to fix. I am a good person if I do not try to fix and take care of my relationship partners when my partners are acting helpless. I cannot establish healthy intimate relationships with my relationship partners if I am trying to fix or take care of them all of the time. I need to put more energy into fixing and taking care of myself if I find myself being hooked by my relationship partners' helplessness."
This is from one of the sticky posts at the top of the forum. It is about "helplessness"
5. Helplessness and Neediness of Relationship Partners
Maybe you get hooked by the neediness and helplessness of your relationship partners. You find yourself hooked when your partners get into self-pity, "poor me" and "how tough life has been." You find yourself weak when your relationship partners demonstrates an inability to solve personal problems. You find yourself wanting to teach and instruct, when your relationship partners demonstrate or admit ignorance of how to solve problems. You find yourself hooked by verbal and non-verbal cues which cry out to you to "help" your relationship partners even though your partners have the competence to solve the problem on their own. You find yourself feeling warmth, caring and nurturing feelings which help you tear down any shred of boundaries you once had. These sad, weak, distraught, lost, confused and befuddled waifs are so needy that you lose all concept of space and time as you begin to give and give and give. It feels so good. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "No one is helpless without first learning the advantages of being helpless. Helplessness is a learned behavior which is used to manipulate me to give of my resources, energy, time, effort and money to fix. I am a good person if I do not try to fix and take care of my relationship partners when my partners are acting helpless. I cannot establish healthy intimate relationships with my relationship partners if I am trying to fix or take care of them all of the time. I need to put more energy into fixing and taking care of myself if I find myself being hooked by my relationship partners' helplessness."
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