Insensitive comments from spouse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 89
Insensitive comments from spouse
How do you deal with them? Mine come from my husband who is a "perfect" normie! He excels at everything he does..he is fit, brilliant, successful, funny, athletic, artistic, can fix anything and basically succeeds at everything he does. He is extremely self confident with a very high level of self esteem. He could care less about drinking, never stresses or worries. He is the "fun" parent and I am the disciplinarian who also gets upset, worries and now is getting help for a drinking problem. He says he is supportive of me but his words do not back that up.
Yesterday was our daughter's bday and I mentioned it would be my first one without drinking wine...his response was "I can't believe you would even know that, I would never remember if I drank or not" and he just DID not get how much that hurt. He also reminds me that he has never had to give up anything he cared about because he does not have any addictions like I do. Instead of feeling like his partner I feel like his subordinate in every way...like I report to him.
I am very resentful of him right now. It is so hard to stay focused on my recovery when he is constantly reminding me how damaged I am compared to him. We are beginning counseling because of this but I am worried. I think I drank to block him out and now I can't...I almost feel like greeting him tonight with a big glass of wine in my hand just to say F.U. but I won't because once again I will be the one paying the price.
So sorry to sound so angry and bitter...but I really need to let this out. Thanks for giving me the time and place to do so....
Yesterday was our daughter's bday and I mentioned it would be my first one without drinking wine...his response was "I can't believe you would even know that, I would never remember if I drank or not" and he just DID not get how much that hurt. He also reminds me that he has never had to give up anything he cared about because he does not have any addictions like I do. Instead of feeling like his partner I feel like his subordinate in every way...like I report to him.
I am very resentful of him right now. It is so hard to stay focused on my recovery when he is constantly reminding me how damaged I am compared to him. We are beginning counseling because of this but I am worried. I think I drank to block him out and now I can't...I almost feel like greeting him tonight with a big glass of wine in my hand just to say F.U. but I won't because once again I will be the one paying the price.
So sorry to sound so angry and bitter...but I really need to let this out. Thanks for giving me the time and place to do so....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
I wish I had some great advice and words of wisdom, but I don't. I understand, completely. Keep in mind that for him, he is not an alcoholic. So being obessessed with alcohol (or lack thereof) is not normal to him, and thus, very difficult to understand. Do you think you could get him to read anything about it and learn? I know my husband can say some things like that as well.
He is not a normie in my opinion, and did stop drinking several days ago (glad about that!). But in his mind, if you want to stop, you just stop. I'll be intereseted to see how long he goes before he drinks again (as I know he will). However, I also know that while he may think he wants me to explain myself to him, my thoughts and feelings, it wouldn't really help much coming from me. However, I have lots of books, and if he wants to learn, he can.
If it is really bothering you, I think you should talk to him. Not in the moment, but at some time sit down with him and explain how it makes you feel and what alcoholism is to you. He can choose what to do with it, you cannot change that.
He is not a normie in my opinion, and did stop drinking several days ago (glad about that!). But in his mind, if you want to stop, you just stop. I'll be intereseted to see how long he goes before he drinks again (as I know he will). However, I also know that while he may think he wants me to explain myself to him, my thoughts and feelings, it wouldn't really help much coming from me. However, I have lots of books, and if he wants to learn, he can.
If it is really bothering you, I think you should talk to him. Not in the moment, but at some time sit down with him and explain how it makes you feel and what alcoholism is to you. He can choose what to do with it, you cannot change that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 176
I don't have any great advice, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. My husband is not supportive of my recovery... he's very uncomfortable with me talking about it, and doesn't like the idea of AA or even this forum. I think he's embarrassed. In regards to my recovery, I sort of just treat him more like I would a co-worker I'm not close to than a husband.
Try to focus more on your own recovery and on yourself than on your husband. Seek support elsewhere, from people you meet at meetings or from more understanding/sympathetic friends or family.
((hugs))
Try to focus more on your own recovery and on yourself than on your husband. Seek support elsewhere, from people you meet at meetings or from more understanding/sympathetic friends or family.
((hugs))
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,383
If it's a time of change and upheaval for us, and scary with it - it must be the same for our spouses and loved ones - especially if they can't really understand what we're going through.
Sometimes, for whatever reason, the people we love aren't as supportive as we might like. That's why SR is so good - you'll always find people who'll understand here, hunt
I think it's good he's prepared to go to counseling with you. I hope things will improve
D
Sometimes, for whatever reason, the people we love aren't as supportive as we might like. That's why SR is so good - you'll always find people who'll understand here, hunt
I think it's good he's prepared to go to counseling with you. I hope things will improve
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Caswell Beach
Posts: 85
My husband doesn't get it either. He doesn't believe that it is an addiction. This coming from the man that smoked cigarettes for years. He doesn't understand why he can quit cigarettes easily but it takes everything I have to not take that first sip. And by quitting smoking, mind you, I mean that he still smokes when he is stressed, or when he is around a bunch of people that smoke. And that is supposed to be ok. But whenever I talk about how many days I have gone without a drink, he always has something to say. I know he is happy I quit drinking, but he just doesn't seem all that supportive of all that it takes for an alchoholic to stop.
My heart goes out to you.
My heart goes out to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
It sounds like he's having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that you are an alcoholic. Al anon has been a wonderful help to me. I'm also finding that hubby and I assume each other's feelings and reactions and therefore tend to not communicate very well. 
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi Hunt,
I can understand how you feel and especially the part about feeling subordinate. For quite awhile when I started to recover, I felt very guilty and ashamed and therefore, I was not a 'partner' with my husband. In time, I worked through those feelings and began to feel good about myself. Did our relationship change? Yes, most definitely. I am glad that you are getting counselling.
I can understand how you feel and especially the part about feeling subordinate. For quite awhile when I started to recover, I felt very guilty and ashamed and therefore, I was not a 'partner' with my husband. In time, I worked through those feelings and began to feel good about myself. Did our relationship change? Yes, most definitely. I am glad that you are getting counselling.
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
Hi Hunt -
He won't ever understand the way another alcoholic will understand ... but you can't blame him for that.
Yes, it sounds like he is going through some of the typical phases of grief -- and it will take some time for him to get to acceptance. Your goal is not for him to understand you completely, but rather to accept that your experience with alcohol is different from his and therefore he needs to respect your need to approach your recovery in your own way, not a way that makes sense to him.
There is a lot of great Al Anon material that you can give him when the time is right. Read the Big Book Chapter "To Wives" (replace "Wives" with "Husbands" and it will make sense to your situation.)
Don't let his response drive you to drink, though. You must recover for you and you can't let his response be an excuse to drink.
He won't ever understand the way another alcoholic will understand ... but you can't blame him for that.
Yes, it sounds like he is going through some of the typical phases of grief -- and it will take some time for him to get to acceptance. Your goal is not for him to understand you completely, but rather to accept that your experience with alcohol is different from his and therefore he needs to respect your need to approach your recovery in your own way, not a way that makes sense to him.
There is a lot of great Al Anon material that you can give him when the time is right. Read the Big Book Chapter "To Wives" (replace "Wives" with "Husbands" and it will make sense to your situation.)
Don't let his response drive you to drink, though. You must recover for you and you can't let his response be an excuse to drink.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,525
Ouch hunt... what a (perhaps unintentionally) awful thing for him to say to you. My husband does not understand my problem either and I have talked about that in other posts on this forum. It feels weird that for once I feel like I can't talk fully about something with him, but I think this particular topic is something unique. It seems like for a lot of us, it's truly best to rely on other recovering people, not our spouses, for support. If I went into detail about it with him I feel like he would talk me out of doing the things I am doing... visiting this forum, going to online meetings, reading every book I can get my hands on about addiction and recovery and most importantly NOT drinking.
I think and hope that maybe someday I'll be able to discuss it with him, but at least for now, and maybe for another few months, I need to focus on staying sober -- not explaining myself to him.
Keep doing what you are doing and don't let the fact that he doesn't understand discourage you.
I think and hope that maybe someday I'll be able to discuss it with him, but at least for now, and maybe for another few months, I need to focus on staying sober -- not explaining myself to him.
Keep doing what you are doing and don't let the fact that he doesn't understand discourage you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 89
My husband is going to come to my group tonight as it is "family night". He will also be coming on Friday to a private session. Right now I have decided to only approach this subject under these circumstances, in the company of fellow addicts with a counselor to lead the discussions.
Like you have all wisely said...our brains work differently than a "normies" does and at this point I am truly more comfortable sharing with all of you than my spouse. I am going to stop setting us both up for hurt and disappointment until we get further along in this sober journey!!!
xo Linda
Like you have all wisely said...our brains work differently than a "normies" does and at this point I am truly more comfortable sharing with all of you than my spouse. I am going to stop setting us both up for hurt and disappointment until we get further along in this sober journey!!!
xo Linda
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