Aurora80

for the total humiliation of the things done while drinking/using to go away? I know there is one particular episode that happened over a year ago and when it comes to mind, I literally cringe. There are other memories too, some recent and some far off, that hit me with what I can only describe as an almost physical force. There are times I dread going about and about because I don't want to run into whoever was there to witness whatever mortifying thing I did. In my mind I can just see that person(s) gossiping about me and spreading whatever story, much to my shame and humiliation. I think thats the worst part... knowing that I'm being talked about. Even if it's been awhile and not a regular topic, probably for the rest of a few peoples lives there will always be a time when they are reminded of me and start a conversation with "I met this girl who....."

Why do I have to be "that girl"? I can't take back the things I've done, will I ever get over them? Is anyone else struggling with this particular brand of burning humiliation?

gcc572

We can't change the past so lets focus on the future and fill it with positive changes. Work towards bettering yourself and don't worry what others think about you

Taking5

In AA we have a sure fire way to deal with this, it is called Steps 8 and 9

BB-1st. Edition

I don't know if you are in AA or not but these steps may help you even if you are not in AA. Your amends could take the form of an apology, but an apology is often not enough. If you bad mouthed someone - set the record straight with all of the people you you bad-mouthed the person to, and to anyone else you know of that heard your bad-mouthing second or third-hand. If you stole money, pay it back. These are 2 examples of where an apology is not sufficient.

RayRayRay

Put that humiliation to good use. Do you want more drunken/high moments like that to feel embarrassed about? Then don't drink/use!

Kitey

Ive made a fool of myself a few times in Drink and have spoke my mind at times, I always said Sorry the next day if I offended some-one but I have been Lucky because a few of my friends have done the same kind of things and Just laugh when I say Sorry and tell me Not to worry about it because they know that Im fine when I am Sober..

Saying that, there are things Ive done that makes me feel ashamed but I know I'm not the First and wont be the last of doing Crazy things when I'm Drunk! Don't worry about them now, let people know you have changed for the Better and that you've quit because of this as well as Wanting to be Sober!
Don't Beat yourself up, in time you will learn to forget about them as your Journey Progresses.

luckedog

The most horrifying time I can even vaguely remember. My two daughters and I were taking a few days vacation in South Texas ( Big Bend Nat. Park). On the way down we stopped at A Holiday Inn in Wichita Falls Tx. They wanted to watch a movie so I went to the bar. I woke up in the room to find out that my two embarrassed daughters had to come and lead me back. They were 13 & 14 at the time. That happened 12 or 13 years ago and I still won’t let the picture leave my mind! I can imagine how they must have felt. It helps me remember why I don’t want to drink ever again.
Some things we can leave behind and some things we can’t. I don’t think time has a lot to do with it.
In my opinion we have to retrain our minds; forget the things that cause depression & misery and keep the things that MOTIVATE us to progress! Actually the human mind has the ability to forget about anything! Just refuse to think about the stuff that is not profitable. That’s a key to being set free from addiction- You can CHOOSE what you think about. My grandmother used an old saying a lot
“ You can’t stop a bird from flying over your head, but you can stop him from building a nest in your hair”
Makes sense to me.

penny74

It takes time but it will fade... ( hopefully sooner than later)

"The Buddha said, “Whoever has done harmful actions but later covers them up with good is like the moon which, freed from clouds, lights up the world.”

Angelic17

Aurora, Go to AA. Because that program is based on what you do today. And not interested in what mistakes you have made in the past. I think you should let go of your shame and embarrassment, because what ever you did, was not you, it was the poison that you added to your brain. If people have horrible things to say about you, then they have nothing going for themselves. Everyone is entitled to be forgiven, and not judged. Who ever is saying something about what you have done, needs to look at what they are doing, and maybe even what they have done. They are not the judge in life. Only GOD is, and he is a loving, forgiving, and merciful GOD. If he can forgive us, who is anyone else not to. He died, so we could be forgiven.

I also know that when someone is pointing a finger at you, there is usually two or more pointing back at them. Let it go, move forward. Because when you know better you do better. I'm thinking you know better now. Hold your head up high, and do the next right thing. We have all made mistakes. We grow from our mistakes, and it seems to me that you have grown. Stay away from the poisonous booze, and you will be fine.

bdiddy5522

Dgillz is exactly right. Address whatever it is that you did wrong. Apologize to the people you harmed, and then the monkey is off of your back. You don't have to carry this burden if you don't want to. Faith in a higher power can really help you out here. Give this problem to your higher power. Whether or not they forgive you is their problem. At least you addressed it. The weight of the world is far too great to try and carry it yourself.

Best of luck. I believe this is a perfect example between "recovery" and "sobriety". Recovery relieves us of our past, and sobriety just makes us miserable and sober.

CarolD

Try this....write it all down on paper
and then burn it.
I've done that over a specific situation
sometimes more than once!...

I also find prayer and AA immenslery useful

Toronto68

I don't know how long you have been away from drinking or using, but I think the answer to how long it takes to be freed of the humiliation over memories of past behaviors depends on your work on yourself now. There's not a science to that. Some people will tell you about being spiritually fit, and there's no clear-cut way of describing that either. I think for some people it grows out of the satisfaction in not using anymore and then it develops into other things, like doing things for other people and so on. It doesn't eradicate the past, but I think it involves recognizing something worth preserving and being.

Shalisan

I'm just starting out in recovery. I am trying to decide how to deal with this. I feel like shame and guilt are part of my addiction cycle. I punish myself by feeling terrible about my past behaviour, the things I did that were completely embarrassing or completely out of sync with my values. I think feeling bad isn't helpful, and is more harmful to me. At the same time, maybe I need to process through those memories to move on. Oh, I think I get it. When I am ready, I can do the steps and work my way through that stuff, but I'm not ready yet. One step at a time. Is that what that means?

augustwest

It takes however long it takes. One of the benefits i've found in working a 12 step program is that you identify the exact nature of your character defects and pinpoint specific behaviors that have harmed others, and then made amends to those people wherever possible. It's a cleansing process. I have things that still make me cringe, and look forward to making those amends, and most importantly not making the decisions that cause me to have regrets, on a daily basis. But when/if i do, i now can address it immediately, admit i was wrong, and move on. No more running and hiding from that stuff.

Boleo

When is too much of a bad thing good?

When too much suffering causes change!

Harry01854

Aurora80, there are two very good replies to your post here. What Angelic suggests and Carol added another very good idea.

One thing that has helped me in a nature like this is, what other people think of me is just none of my business.

God bless, we are all good people, God doesn't make mistakes.

Harry

Aurora80

Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm trying to focus on the good aspects of my humiliation, like I'm much less judgmental than I might have been otherwise. And yes, it's definitely motivation to stay sober. It's also strengthened me spiritually, and I'm also much less inclined to gossip about other people, especially about what may be humiliating to others.

Even so, it's really hard sometimes when I'm doing something as mundane as washing dishes and I'm assaulted by a humiliating memory I know eventually time will fade these things, because there are a couple things I once cringed about (from like 6 years ago) that don't really bother me now. I just hope these wounds heal sooner rather than later.

Also just wanted to add, these are not things I have to make amends for... unless maybe I have to make amends to myself.

Dee74

I still have things I cringe over - but I don't 'own' them anymore - I figure I've done everything I can to change my life and my behaviour to make sure I never end up that way again...every new day puts those moments a day farther away

D

Angelic17

Aurora, One of the toughest things I ever had to do, was to forgive myself. I made alot of mistakes in life too. And I was wrong. I paid the price for what I had done, and I needed to forgive myself. When we think of forgiveness we think of forgiving another person. We don't think of ourselves. When a very spiritual woman from church told me to forgive myself and move on, it opened my eyes. We all make mistakes, and drugs and alcohol cause us to do things we would never do sober. Forgive yourself. And go forward. You will heal.

lildawg

I don't have anything of merit to add to this thread, but I wanted to say you all helped me. I often cringe over things I've done. My actions were so shameful and so irresponsible. I need to digest what I've learned here, but I thank you all so much.