Feeling deflated

Old 08-02-2010, 08:18 AM
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Feeling deflated

I was going to say defeated but that isn't really accurate. I'm just tired and deflated about the prospect of never getting xah out of my life. He just won't give up on the blaming, twisting of the truth, and jabs. I know and understand that is just what is going to happen it just gets so old. I ignore those comments (all in email) and do not say anything negative about him or to him. I just don't get into it and that does keep me out of the fray (and makes it far easier on the kids) but it still feels bad. Some days more then others. It will never end. I have accepted that I guess I'm just having a pity party right now.

It feels like I am letting someone get away with trying to make me feel so small and wrong. I know I am not wrong. I am free and intend on staying that way forever but does anyone have a nifty way of looking at this or dealing with it when it gets me down?
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Old 08-02-2010, 08:20 AM
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I'm sorry Girl. I know how this feels. Try taking it one day, one moment at a time. Enjoy the moment and put that "it'll be this way forever" doom out of your happy, thumper life.

Hugs.
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Old 08-02-2010, 08:22 AM
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Thumper, why do you have to read the emails?
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Old 08-02-2010, 08:29 AM
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Transform - good point about staying in the present and not getting up in the doom of forever.

Learn - I have to read them because that is how we communicate about the parenting stuff.
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Old 08-02-2010, 08:29 AM
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L2L is correct. Even if your XAH is emailing you at work you can configure your email to reject his imcoming emails, and even to send a very impersonal autoresponse such as "email rejected by recipient". Even if he creates multiple email addresses and continues to email you from them just add them to the spam filter and auto-response list.
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Old 08-02-2010, 08:46 AM
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Are you certain all these correspondences are necessary? I mean, are you maybe involving him in some things you can stop involving him in, so that you can reduce the number of times you have to correspond with him?

Or, is there another person through which these communications can happen, so that you don't have to directly correspond with him?

I don't know how to make it feel any less toxic than what it feels. The only way I know is to expect nothing from them, and get as far away from and uninvolved with them as possible.
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Old 08-02-2010, 09:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
I was going to say defeated but that isn't really accurate. I'm just tired and deflated about the prospect of never getting xah out of my life. He just won't give up on the blaming, twisting of the truth, and jabs. I know and understand that is just what is going to happen it just gets so old. I ignore those comments (all in email) and do not say anything negative about him or to him. I just don't get into it and that does keep me out of the fray (and makes it far easier on the kids) but it still feels bad. Some days more then others. It will never end. I have accepted that I guess I'm just having a pity party right now.

It feels like I am letting someone get away with trying to make me feel so small and wrong. I know I am not wrong. I am free and intend on staying that way forever but does anyone have a nifty way of looking at this or dealing with it when it gets me down?
Time will make it much better, 4 years for me and my axw's stuff barley bothers me now. A recent example, LMC was down there for 2 mths and just got home. Was telling me how it went down there, and said things started to deteriorate with her mom after I was down there for a weekend visit at the half-way point.

Said her mom was blaming their problems on my visit, I must have said or done something to poison LMC's mind. Blame shifting at it's finest. Didn't faze me, just typical of the disease. LMC may have gotten a 2 day dose of "recovery", but that's hardly my problem.

I often find myself bothered by others behavior, driving is a biggie for me. For me it boils down to revisiting step 1, "I am powerless over people, places, and things." Once I can accept (or re-accept) that I have zero control over something, I almost always feel instantly better.

I think your recovery is doing great. I find in my own, and observing others recovery, we often slip back into "old" behaviors. But I've noticed I don't slip "as far" or for "as long" as my recovery progresses.

Progress, not perfection.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 08-02-2010, 09:31 AM
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I am free and intend on staying that way forever but does anyone have a nifty way of looking at this or dealing with it when it gets me down?
If you have to read the emails because that's how you communicate about parenting, my recommendation is to focus on the positive instead of micro managing the way he has contact with you. Work on letting all his nasty bs go. I know it's hard!

but it still feels bad. Some days more then others. It will never end. I have accepted that I guess I'm just having a pity party right now.
There are creative ways of getting this anger out, which might be what you're experiencing, or working on avoiding. I don't know, it's just a guess.

Try writing him a nasty letter, going out into the forest (or wherever there is nature where you live) and reading it outloud. Say it to him, to The Earth. Then leave it out there for The Earth to do with what she wants. It might even help a two legged that finds it.

In the meantime, are you getting enough sleep, good food, water, exercise, laughter? It's harder for me to let go of stuff when I'm not.

Hugs again.
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Old 08-02-2010, 10:53 AM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post

In the meantime, are you getting enough sleep, good food, water, exercise, laughter? It's harder for me to let go of stuff when I'm not.

Hugs again.
Great point, I used to be so caught up in the chaos I ofter forgot the basics of health. Much better now that I take measures and time to eat healthy, and exercise, now if I could just GO TO BED.

Also I think LAUGHTER is WAY underrated. People have beat incurable diseases with laughter, look it up! I've been checking out old Seinfield dvd's from the library, great FREE therapy, and no commercial breaks.


Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 08-02-2010, 02:02 PM
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I really only do talk about the absolute necessities. I probably email him 5 sentences a month. He just sends random email crap and I ignore it. I let it go. It just feels bad to not stick up for myself even though I know it is pointless. I guess that is better then believing it, which is where I was not so long ago.

If I'm mad at anyone or anything it is at myself. I made an error and emailed him first. I hardly ever do that but I had to do 4 hours of driving this weekend so I emailed him one sentence simply asking him if/when he planned on having the kids so I could work my plans around his. I should know better. That just opens the door to all kinds of crap. I'll never do that again. If I don't read the emails I'd have to speak with him on the phone. He wouldn't do it for one thing and I don't want to do that at all. If things continue to be so difficult I may consider having a 'go between' person. I have no idea who that would be but it would be a relief if all emails could go to one person and then he'd likely not send anything but needed info.

I never get enough sleep. Need to work on that. Those are my famous last words. I'm ready for school to start and get our normal routine going again. Thanks for all the kind responses.
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Old 08-02-2010, 03:05 PM
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Sorry I guess I mulled over the part where you have kids together. This obviously makes some level of communication necessary.
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