seekingcalm

I have been reading here for many months, and I have been inspired by all of you here at SR. You keep me focussed on my recovery, and I thank you.
But I find myself unsure, and hope you can share your wisdom and experience.
I left my ABF; actually was told to go. I was beyond devastated, homeless, my stuff in garbage bags. I stayed with friends, and then found a wonderful place to live fairly quickly. I stayed NC, and a few weeks after I left, he began his own recovery.
I love living alone, I am peaceful, and happy. Everyday, when I come home, I just breathe easier.
I love my ex RABF, and I have begun to spend time with him recently after many months of refusing to do so. He picks me up, and takes me out, and we have a great time, for all the reasons that we always did. We talk, we laugh, we enjoy the same things. I am proud of him, but I have to admit, I feel like I am on guard...waiting, for what I don't know. I know he wants our life together again, and I honestly right now, today, do not think I will ever want to live with him again. I have not said so. I try to take one day at a time. But I know I feel differently than I did before. And I guess I feel bad about that.
Is it possible, that I love him less because of what he put me through? I hope not.
Any wisdom you can offer is greatly appreciated.

suki44883

I think it's entirely possible that you love him less because of what he put you through. That is only natural and I think it's great that you have that self-protection mechanism working for you. It is always best to proceed with caution, especially when we have a past with the person we are seeing. Past behavior is a pretty good indicator of future behavior. Of course he is on his best behavior right now because he is trying to woo you back. There is no stress at this point. It's great that you love living alone. Some people don't and that just makes it easier for them to fall back into a bad situation. You're doing great, just pay close attention to any red flags or past behaviors.

transformyself

Let's hope so. I know I love my AH less for all of the pain and misery of that relationship. Otherwise, how do we know when to stay away from folks who don't respect us?

seekingcalm

My heart used to skip a beat whenever he called. It doesn't anymore. It's like I'm a little bit numb.
I used to count the hours until I would see him; and feel sad whenever we said goodbye.
Now, I am happy to see him, but I am glad when he leaves too. What's that about?
I am still very much attracted to him, and feel affectionate towards him, but it's not the same as before. He seems healthier in many ways, but he has a long journey ahead, he is only 6 months sober and working his AA program.
When we lived together, he only pretended to be sober; he lied and sneaked and made me feel bad for being suspicious.
He is considerate, and very respectful of my boundaries, but you are right, Suki, he is on his best behavior because he wants me back. And spending time with him every week or two, and talking on the phone every couple of days is all I am willing to give. Not sure how long this will go on, but I am going to leave that to my HP.

suki44883

Now, I am happy to see him, but I am glad when he leaves too. What's that about?

It could probably be called several things, but I'd probably call it maturity.

seekingcalm

Thanks Suki, your reply made me smile. At 50 plus years, it would be about time for some of that

RollTide

"Now, I am happy to see him, but I am glad when he leaves too. What's that about?"

I'm at the same place with my XAH. 50 plus here also. I think Suki is right...it's maturity. For me it's also known as WANTING TO BE HEALTHY and knowing that when I was with him I wasn't and wouldn't be again. I am still as in love with him as the day we were married but he is not good for me.

LexieCat

I think it's possible to love someone in the sense of caring deeply about him and still not want to marry/live with/be in an intimate relationship with him. I feel that way about my first husband.

Sometimes I think that I married him (he was a year sober at the time, and still sober 30 years later) out of a sense of responsibility, or obligation. Kinda like, oh, he got well, so now I have to do right by him, after he did all that work on himself.

I have ALWAYS cared for him, he is a wonderful person and we are still good friends. But I sometimes think that something snapped inside when I got fed up with the drinking before he got sober. I still haven't sorted it all out. I'm in AA, myself, now, and it's one of the things I need to look at in my Fourth Step--some of it was me, some was on him.

Do what feels true-est to yourself and your feelings. It's easy to confuse ourselves when we got so wrapped up in someone else's drama.

seekingcalm

I am learning to trust my gut; and my gut was telling me that something was not right.
I was not ready to resume a relationship with my ex ABF. I agreed to see him because he was no longer drinking and going to AA, and had a sponsor. I knew I was not ready, but he can be very convincing. And I did enjoy being with him. He wanted us back together...full steam ahead, and I didn't, and I felt manipulated, and guilty for not feeling the same. I felt like he was just waiting for me to say, ok, it's all better, let's live together again. And that is not what I want at all.
So I have backed away. And it's not about his recovery or whether he is working his program to my satisfaction, or if he is just a dry alcoholic, or whatever. It's me. I was uncomfortable, and so I ended it, and I feel better.
And thank you to all of you here for laying yourselves bare, and sharing your stories every day.
They do help me so much to stay clear and focused on my own recovery.

Learn2Live

I have been thinking about this about myself lately because of someone else's recent post about being worried about hurting a man's feelings because she was not as interested. I wonder what is it that makes us so sensitive about this? Why do we sacrifice our OWN feelings, set ourSELVES up for so much hurt (even knowingly) in order to save someone else's feelings?

I think where the alcoholic or addict has NO empathy for us, we have TOO MUCH empathy for them. Sometimes I feel like we overcompensate for OTHER people's uncaring attitudes. But then, as I was observing on yet another post, as I get older, the less responsible I feel for how other people feel. It's easier for me to let them own their own feelings and I own mine.

Thanks for sharing.