damiank

Hello, i don't know if this is the right place, but i'll try to summarize. My brother has had addcition problems from 15-40. He attempted suicide, and has only one lung left. He is very slick about justifying his smoking; I don't know how he does it. Anyway, on this latest round of breathing problems, he is still defiant after hospital staff informed him of the dangers. He has COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease). He had to move in with my mom, and has been develpoing some paranoia and stays in his room alot. He has been driving my mom's husband about 3 days a week for a part time job. I'm either catering to him, or he's ripping into me. We can't have a normal conversation. One nurse finally told us that there is nothing we can do, it has to come from him. She said this right in front of him. After the nurse left, and i went to bathroom, my brother said to my mom "don't freak out if i have a cigarette every once in a while" Well, my mother had enough at this point, and said "not in my house", and my brother got all huffy, so my mother walked out, and i followed. So he'll be getting out in a couple days, i think?, and i don't want to be around to watch him slowly kill himself. I don't know what else to do. Even talking about it, makes him explode. We will be looking for a place for him, but he's spoiled, doesn't want to budget, and it's just a bad situation. He does get about 650 for disability or something, and my sister will help him get a trailer on a nice lot. I've been checking out lately, and he's been asking my mom "why doesn't dame come by anymore". It doesn't change, i want to scream, i want him to get it.

suki44883

Frustrating, isn't it? You know the nurse was right. Nothing you, your mom or your sister do is going to change him. He is an adult and he can find his own place to live and he can learn to budget his own money. It's not your job, or your mom's job or your sister's job. If he chooses to continue smoking, that, too, is his decision and his right. It all boils down to the fact that no one can change him but himself. Learning how to detach with love is something that will definitely help your own serenity.

Welcome to SR! Glad you found us and hope you'll stick around and do a lot of reading and posting. It really helps to just get it out and vent your frustrations. You will find a lot of good people here to understand what you are feeling.

fourmaggie

Nar ANON or Al ANON please find these in your area (especially Nar anon) its for family members that knows someone who is AFFECTed by the diease...

the three c's
you did not cause this
you can not control it
and you can not cure it

all of you go together, at least 6 meetings to give it try...IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT

outtolunch

Whole deal sounds like a lifetime of manipulating a family willing to be manipulated. Why can't he find his own place? That's what 40+ year olds do. Maybe some time in a homeless shelter will make that ovbvious to him.

Remember NO is a complete sentence. You don't owe him a reason and those prone to manipulation will use your reasoning to manipulating you.

Let him figure out the next steps of his own life.
It's his choice to smoke or not. None of you have any control over his choices.

damiank

Yes, it's manipulation, and it's hard for others to see because he is prince charming to strangers. Everyone else will say that we are over reacting and they don't see what we are talking about. I've been staying away, because that's all he knows how to do (manipulate). So, if he can't have his way with you, he'll write you off. I should add that he may have had a slight learning disability, but he's very smart when he wants something. My mother has always felt sorry for him. I keep hoping that he will have a light bulb moment and just get pissed off about his situation. He did overcome his drinking, and has been to many treatment centers, and a couple of halfway houses. I would be all for kicking him out, but he can't get too hot, too cold or be exposed to pollens, because they don't know how many more episodes his lung can take. I just want to observe his attitude when he comes back. I didn't see a change in him, even when he was on his back with tubes in him. THNX for responses - D

ladyamalthea

Hey there

I understand. It's hard to sit back and watch a sibling destroy themselves.

Everything everyone above me has said is absolutely true. There's nothing you can do for him that won't enable him to keep using. Fourmaggie mentioned nar-anon and al-anon. Please consider giving them a try. Either one will work; it's the same program.

As far as worrying about how he'll make it, don't. If he's on disability, he probably qualifies for other forms of aid as well, like EBT, section 8 housing, and medicaid.

suki44883

I would be all for kicking him out, but he can't get too hot, too cold or be exposed to pollens, because they don't know how many more episodes his lung can take. I just want to observe his attitude when he comes back. I didn't see a change in him, even when he was on his back with tubes in him.

And if HE doesn't take this seriously, why should anyone else? It sounds like you have the right idea, but, just as you can't control what he will or won't do, neither can you control your family. We are here to support YOU in whatever decisions you make for yourself.

Balou

As the others said, you have to wait on him to make the decision. Don't help him in any form, you don't want to be the enabler. Most importantly, as much as he drives you crazy, tell him you love him, you may never know when it's too late.

damiank

Should i just stay away from him for a while? It seems cold, but i will do it.

Chino

If staying away brings you even the tiniest bit of relief, yes!

My stepmother is a recovering alcoholic, sober for almost two years now after a 3 year binge. She embraced recovery after a terrible brush with death. She's also a smoker with COPD and is right now in long term acute care, being weaned off the vent.

All of us loved ones know she'll be right back in if she starts smoking again. She got really lucky this time, though having a tracheotomy might not be considered lucky by her. I don't know because she can't talk right now.

Anyway, the decision to smoke or not is 100% up to her. She does know that she may not survive the next one. Whatever her decision, I accept it because it's hers to own.

Acceptance didn't come easy to me. It started with my daughter's addiction to opiates and ultimately my need to help myself deal with it. I've been seeing a therapist for 3 years now and attend Alanon meetings. I feel 1000 times better

damiank

Okay, so i just got off the phone with my bro. He's already setting it up to make it okay for him to smoke! Now, he tells me that he thinks he may have inhaled some clorox while cleaning, and that's why he's having a problem breathing. This is on the same day when the doctor made him repeat "i will not smoke". At first he said, "i'll try", and the doctor said that's not good enough. It's amazing at the hoops he will jump through to blame something else. I did have to cut the conversation short. I just sat here crying, and feel numb, helpless.

suki44883

It's pretty obvious that your brother isn't interested in his health. That's a shame, but it is NOT your responsibility. He is responsible for his own actions and if he chooses to smoke knowing that it could land him right back in the hospital, or worse, then there's nothing you can do for him.

If contact with him upsets you so much, then of course, it would be best for you to just not speak with him or see him. It's awful to sit and watch someone slowly killing themselves, and in your brother's case, not so slowly. Let him go. Take care of your own peace of mind and serenity.

damiank

This is the hardest thing i've had to deal with in my life. Harder than my father passing. We are 18 months apart, and were very close, but not lately. I do have to bring him stuff tomorrow, and probably pick him up when he's released.
Here's a pic of us

Balou

What a great pic, I hope you two get the chance to take several more. We're praying for you.

coffeedrinker

damiank,

welcome to sober recovery forums.

this is the place to learn to detch from someone who doesn't seem to care about himself as much as you do.

this is the place where we try and help you put YOU first.

this is the place where we will support you, and gently encourage you to find the freedom that can be had, when you let go of the destructive people you love.

welcome.

damiank

Thanks for the welcome, but i am struggling with letting go. Part of me wants to say that i tried everything i possibly could to save his life. I trust the people here who have experience in this, but i just can't help but feel that i'm throwing him overboard without a life jacket.

coffeedrinker

you are throwing him overboard?
you know that's not true.
you have been sitting on deck watching him thrown himself over.

no life jacket?
there are life jackets lying all over the place on that deck. he doesn't even see them, so intent on flinging himself over is he.

sweetheart, haven't you tried to be his life jacket for years and years?
has that worked thus far? what kind of different life jacket do you visualize (or fantasize) you could be, that would be different enough to work this time?

i'm not trying to talk you into abandoning your brother.
but if you could accept that this life is fully the consequences of his choices, and it's gonna be his choices that continue to keep him stuck there, or get him out, you will experience freedom from guilt.

i have a suggestion:
start saying the serenity prayer. really think about each word, reflect on them, and let it sink into your being. for me, it is very powerful.

(((peace)))

ladyamalthea

We have all felt this way. We have felt this way about our loved ones who are addicted even when they haven't had diseases on top of addiction to make us feel that way.

It may take you a while to get to a point where you can detach with love. And that's okay. Lots of people here use baby steps to work their own recovery, and if that is what it takes to help you to heal, then give that a try.

BTW, going no contact is not the same thing as detaching. You don't necessarily have to go no contact to detach, but for many, that's the easiest way to put the focus of their own lives back on themselves.

Have you found a meeting to try yet? You don't have to completely give your brother up to go to a meeting... you don't have to do anything to go to a meeting other than take an hour of your time and give it back to you. Even if you just go and listen and don't say anything, it'll be worth it.

Finally, I do want to suggest that you think long and hard about some boundaries that you can set to protect yourself from his addiction. For example, you may try saying that if he has used, he is not welcome in your home. Or that if he spends your money on drugs instead of food, he gets no more money. I'm not saying these are what yours should be; this is just a general idea of what boundaries tend to look like. But you have to be prepared to enforce them or they don't work.

Many of us have either lost everything or watched someone else lose everything to someone else's addiction. My parents lost their home, their valuables, their retirement, their pride, and their overall well-being, all to my sister's heroin addiction. Please don't let that happen to you.

damiank

Well, the person who has lost the most is my mother. I'm glad you mentioned detachment without abandoning him. I see my mother once a week, and he'll be there in the near future. I guess i keep hoping for the right person to get in his face, and change him. I guess i can start pulling back even more. He knows something is going on with me. I have to go there this afternoon, and i won't even try to keep pounding it home about the cigs. I'll just give him his stuff, visit for a few minutes and take off. The reason it feels wrong is that it's seems really easy to take care of me, and hard to try and find a solution. I may be feeling like i'm getting off easy or something, i don't know. Anyway, all the comments are helping my view on this. I appreciate the feedback very much. Off to work and the hospital - D

ladyamalthea

Man, do I understand feeling like I need to fix everything and finding that needle of a solution in the proverbial haystack. And the harder I looked for a solution, the more frustrated I got that I wasn't finding anything, and the deeper I dug until I found my priorities had been totally twisted.

Here's the good news: we don't have to be superheroes. Fighting off others' evil villains is not our job. Even if you think taking care of you is easy right now, why not just allow yourself time to enjoy life without adding to your own stress by worrying about his problems?

By the way, one thing I have learned the hard way is that any time I think taking care of me is easy, then that usually means I'm putting myself on the back burner. Which will make taking care of me much more difficult later. If that makes sense.

It will get easier. I promise.