going out of my mind....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Fredonia N.Y
Posts: 44
going out of my mind....
wow i sit here feeling so helpless and not knowing what is right and wrong... not knowing what to do at this point.... i have had alot going on lately... rtying like hell to get into a treatment center..... and ok well let me back up a little... i am with this guy for almost 3 years now... it has always been rocky....we both have done are share of screw ups in it...me... because of my pill use and because of that i have put him threw hell... i have lied... stole his meds and everything....i came clean because i want different and because he (nor anyone) deserves that.... when i came clean i had every thought that him and i would be over for good and that was that..... well we did alot of fighting.... and well due to other promblems in our relationship also... him lieing and always having his wife involved in our relationship is one.....anyhow we split up for a few months and in that time...about 4 months after he came clean and told me that he was cheating on me the hole time....(ok well he didt really come clean on his own) i already thought i new and i accussed him of it and then he finally admitted it to me...it was alot moer then i had thought... he was never faithful to me.... the 2 years that we lived together.... he was sneaking and sleeping with his wife and when i thought things where not right.... and brought them up...he would make me feel like a fool and bad for thinking them things... he really put it all on me then.... he was also on every single site there was....
ok so anyhow... we got back together and said we needed to try to work threw this if we really loved each other.... i have been honest with him 100% and with or with out him... i am going to treatment to get help for my addiction...... yes i owe him alot for standing by me threw it all and he has...but this last week i have had the same feelings that he is cheating again... and afraid to talk to him about it...cause anytime i try to... it gets turned right on me and everything i have ever done wrong is thrown in my face..... and even more....it gets really bad.... so this last week i have never felt so much alone and him not here (mentaly) then i ever have
there is alot to it...but to much to write it all now....i tryed talking to him and i got nothing back from him.... now today he goes to his sons baseball game....(which his sons team won)
and because his mom and gram are going...i was never asked to go...cause he has his family hating me...(like i said alot more to it) he even says he did it back when we would fight all the time.... to get them to feel bad for him... so he goes and also today is his birthday.... so i go get him a card... and make a cake... he was texting me when they left and we were having a conversation.... thern it just stopped.... for the next hour i was texting asking what happen... and nothing back at all..... during this time i was on computer and yes i went on his e-mail... i know that is not cool to do...but i just was not gettign anything from him... i did it and i told him i did...he had a happy birthday wish from another single site... this one is sick thou its fu_k book (thats the name of the site) it is one him and his friends use to say i was on when we broke up... which is not at all true and he also admitted doing that to just hurt me and make me mad......... well today i see that he is really on there... so when he came in i was pissed... i told him i think he is cheating again... and that i just cant keep living like this.... and i think it needs to be over.... and the fight starts.... he then just kept going on and on about what a jerk i am and on and on saying everything he can to hurt me.... so i told him i also new of him on this site and he 1st say i am making it up...or someone is out to get him and made it with out him knowing.... he left the house and then called and told me if he did ... it was a very long time agao and it would have only been to **** me off..... and he forgot about it...
i said fine but i just can not keep doing this... i need to go and fix me right now and not worry about this relationship.... its killin me.... mentally i am a basket case and really feel as thou i am losing my mind......i just want to go and find me..... and he does not understand that at all....
other promblem is.. i am hoping i go to treatment monday...(keeping fingers crossed) and he knows this.... because today is saturday and now he is trying to hurt me... he said he wants me out now...if i am not staying with him then he wants me to leave now.... and if i dont he will call the cops on me.....i really have no where to go and he knows that and well i am just venting i guess... he left... and i am sure he is doing one of to things.... went to the casnio cause he has gambling promblems (bad) and or out to the bar...cause it is his birthday and he will drink cause we are fighting to show me that he can and i cant.... which that does not bother me at all... except for the face if he comes back here drunk... hes really a jerk when drinking...
god i dont understand why i let my life get to this point and so out of control.....i am not a bad person.... if anyone has any words of wisdom or advice please please feel free to give any... ..i can handle hereing even things i dont wanta here.... please anything at all
ok so anyhow... we got back together and said we needed to try to work threw this if we really loved each other.... i have been honest with him 100% and with or with out him... i am going to treatment to get help for my addiction...... yes i owe him alot for standing by me threw it all and he has...but this last week i have had the same feelings that he is cheating again... and afraid to talk to him about it...cause anytime i try to... it gets turned right on me and everything i have ever done wrong is thrown in my face..... and even more....it gets really bad.... so this last week i have never felt so much alone and him not here (mentaly) then i ever have
there is alot to it...but to much to write it all now....i tryed talking to him and i got nothing back from him.... now today he goes to his sons baseball game....(which his sons team won)
and because his mom and gram are going...i was never asked to go...cause he has his family hating me...(like i said alot more to it) he even says he did it back when we would fight all the time.... to get them to feel bad for him... so he goes and also today is his birthday.... so i go get him a card... and make a cake... he was texting me when they left and we were having a conversation.... thern it just stopped.... for the next hour i was texting asking what happen... and nothing back at all..... during this time i was on computer and yes i went on his e-mail... i know that is not cool to do...but i just was not gettign anything from him... i did it and i told him i did...he had a happy birthday wish from another single site... this one is sick thou its fu_k book (thats the name of the site) it is one him and his friends use to say i was on when we broke up... which is not at all true and he also admitted doing that to just hurt me and make me mad......... well today i see that he is really on there... so when he came in i was pissed... i told him i think he is cheating again... and that i just cant keep living like this.... and i think it needs to be over.... and the fight starts.... he then just kept going on and on about what a jerk i am and on and on saying everything he can to hurt me.... so i told him i also new of him on this site and he 1st say i am making it up...or someone is out to get him and made it with out him knowing.... he left the house and then called and told me if he did ... it was a very long time agao and it would have only been to **** me off..... and he forgot about it...
i said fine but i just can not keep doing this... i need to go and fix me right now and not worry about this relationship.... its killin me.... mentally i am a basket case and really feel as thou i am losing my mind......i just want to go and find me..... and he does not understand that at all....
other promblem is.. i am hoping i go to treatment monday...(keeping fingers crossed) and he knows this.... because today is saturday and now he is trying to hurt me... he said he wants me out now...if i am not staying with him then he wants me to leave now.... and if i dont he will call the cops on me.....i really have no where to go and he knows that and well i am just venting i guess... he left... and i am sure he is doing one of to things.... went to the casnio cause he has gambling promblems (bad) and or out to the bar...cause it is his birthday and he will drink cause we are fighting to show me that he can and i cant.... which that does not bother me at all... except for the face if he comes back here drunk... hes really a jerk when drinking...
god i dont understand why i let my life get to this point and so out of control.....i am not a bad person.... if anyone has any words of wisdom or advice please please feel free to give any... ..i can handle hereing even things i dont wanta here.... please anything at all
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Although it's really hard to do so, you need to focus on yourself and your recovery right now cissybug.
You can start to deal with all these and any other problems after you get your recovery on track - you're going to treatment - focus on that
D
You can start to deal with all these and any other problems after you get your recovery on track - you're going to treatment - focus on that
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Cissybug, Recovery needs to be top priority. The reason is that once your clean and sober, all of the rest falls into place and works out for the best. Life doesn't work well for us when we are stoned. That's just the way it is.
As far as your boyfriend goes, he has issues honey. He seems very inmature. He wants to put you out in the street when you have no place to go. That's not love. If I were you, I would find a friend to stay with until your on your feet. Do you have anyone who will take you in for a while? Your relationship with him sounds toxic. He's a cheat, and it sounds to me like he has an obsession with sex. Nasty Porn sites, and the ex wife. You really don't need that hon. I don't know how old you are, but regardless of your age, you need to get clean, and take care of yourself. Get a good paying job so you can support yourself, and then you won't have anybody telling you to get out in the street.
Even if he does love and care about you it's a toxic relationship. Believe me, I have been there and done that. It's a horrible feeling and there's so much more drama than good times. That's not how it's supposed to be. A good relationship has respect and consideration. And even if you weren't getting along, a decent person would say, we are splitting up, take as much time as you need to find a safe and good place to live.
How old is this guy anyway? I'm sorry your going through all of this. I sure hope you make a better decision on the next man you involve yourself with. For now, concentrate on getting off of the drugs. There's alot of work involved, and you don't need to be with someone who causes you stress and anxiety. Those things are triggers for relapse. With all the mistrust and drama, I don't think you will be able to get clean living with this guy.
My heart goes out to you honey. Cause I have been in your shoes in my lifetime, and it's not easy. The good news is that you can change things for yourself. Start by getting cleaned up and off the drugs. I have 5 yrs off of sever opiate addiction. If I can do it, anyone can. I wish you a speedy recovery. And I'm sending you some love and support. :ghug3
As far as your boyfriend goes, he has issues honey. He seems very inmature. He wants to put you out in the street when you have no place to go. That's not love. If I were you, I would find a friend to stay with until your on your feet. Do you have anyone who will take you in for a while? Your relationship with him sounds toxic. He's a cheat, and it sounds to me like he has an obsession with sex. Nasty Porn sites, and the ex wife. You really don't need that hon. I don't know how old you are, but regardless of your age, you need to get clean, and take care of yourself. Get a good paying job so you can support yourself, and then you won't have anybody telling you to get out in the street.
Even if he does love and care about you it's a toxic relationship. Believe me, I have been there and done that. It's a horrible feeling and there's so much more drama than good times. That's not how it's supposed to be. A good relationship has respect and consideration. And even if you weren't getting along, a decent person would say, we are splitting up, take as much time as you need to find a safe and good place to live.
How old is this guy anyway? I'm sorry your going through all of this. I sure hope you make a better decision on the next man you involve yourself with. For now, concentrate on getting off of the drugs. There's alot of work involved, and you don't need to be with someone who causes you stress and anxiety. Those things are triggers for relapse. With all the mistrust and drama, I don't think you will be able to get clean living with this guy.
My heart goes out to you honey. Cause I have been in your shoes in my lifetime, and it's not easy. The good news is that you can change things for yourself. Start by getting cleaned up and off the drugs. I have 5 yrs off of sever opiate addiction. If I can do it, anyone can. I wish you a speedy recovery. And I'm sending you some love and support. :ghug3
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't have much to add in the way of advice except to echo that you need to take care of your own recovery. Get a clear head and you will be able to make some good decisions about your life.
Sending you hugs, and strength. Keep working on getting into that rehab and don't let anyone scare you.
Sending you hugs, and strength. Keep working on getting into that rehab and don't let anyone scare you.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I'm saying a prayer that you get into treatment Monday. You need a safe and supportive environment to help you begin a new life.
I can't imagine living with someone like the guy you're describing. I can understand why you're going crazy. If for some reason treatment falls through (again, I'm praying it works out), you really need to consider other options. Is there a family/friend who can take you in for a few weeks where you can keep trying to get into treatment, or get some counseling? It's really not healthy for you to be in this situation, especially with the drinking and anger that your boyfriend seems to be indulging in.
Wish you all the best...... hugs......:ghug3
I can't imagine living with someone like the guy you're describing. I can understand why you're going crazy. If for some reason treatment falls through (again, I'm praying it works out), you really need to consider other options. Is there a family/friend who can take you in for a few weeks where you can keep trying to get into treatment, or get some counseling? It's really not healthy for you to be in this situation, especially with the drinking and anger that your boyfriend seems to be indulging in.
Wish you all the best...... hugs......:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: las vegas nv
Posts: 180
Cissy, Remember, YOU are the most important person. Your recovery is first, and besides that, does this man have a positive effect on your life? You are a good person and you do not deserve to be treated like this, addiction or not. Some people see it as a weakness to be single or not have a man, however, in many cases it is a strength. You need to spend time with yourself again, and begin to find the things you love and care about in this world. Do not waste your life away worrying about what someone else is doing. I hope your treatment center is an extended stay. You definitely need time off from this person. If this is truly meant to be, which I don't think it is, later on down the road, you two can make ammends. I think you know the right thing to do, I really wish for the best. I hope one day down the line, you write back telling us how great you are doing and how you've turned your life around. I will pray for you. Stay strong. "I'm Riding Solo"
Grouch and Brainstorm
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 238
I'm sorry for your pain, Cissybug.
What you are hearing here is correct, in my experience: you need to first address your addiction problem. Everything else is unimportant, as hard as that may seem to believe.
As hopeless and maddening as your situation may seem, people like you have recovered from far worse and gone on to live magical lives. Millions of them.
This can definitely be your story. Absolutely. Don't despair. Keep your eye on the prize-- getting yourself well. You won't be able to deal with any of these other things unless you are getting better.
What you are hearing here is correct, in my experience: you need to first address your addiction problem. Everything else is unimportant, as hard as that may seem to believe.
As hopeless and maddening as your situation may seem, people like you have recovered from far worse and gone on to live magical lives. Millions of them.
This can definitely be your story. Absolutely. Don't despair. Keep your eye on the prize-- getting yourself well. You won't be able to deal with any of these other things unless you are getting better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
He lies, he cheats, he cruises porn sites and throws it in your face and blames you when you confront him about it.
Why exactly do you owe him anything?
How is any of his behavior a testament of him standing by you?
I'm sorry....you're allowing him to make you feel like you're the one who caused his reckless behavior.
The addiction isn't helping your self-esteem.
Please focus on removing yourself from him; he knows how to push your buttons.
When you put down the drugs and are in treatment, you'll begin seeing things more clearly.
My advice is also to not wait until Monday to leave him. The sooner the better...if not for your sanity, then certainly for your safety.
I pray you get into treatment by Monday, the latest. Call the Salvation Army if you have to; they may be able to help you.
Why exactly do you owe him anything?
How is any of his behavior a testament of him standing by you?
I'm sorry....you're allowing him to make you feel like you're the one who caused his reckless behavior.
The addiction isn't helping your self-esteem.
Please focus on removing yourself from him; he knows how to push your buttons.
When you put down the drugs and are in treatment, you'll begin seeing things more clearly.
My advice is also to not wait until Monday to leave him. The sooner the better...if not for your sanity, then certainly for your safety.
I pray you get into treatment by Monday, the latest. Call the Salvation Army if you have to; they may be able to help you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Humblebee.
Your not losing your mind. I can promise you that! Your living in hell right now. Trying to please everyone but yourself and letting him make you feel badly about yourself. Of course your a good person. Don't believe what he's telling you.
I know what its like to have no where to go......its scary! How could he be so cruel to you. If you can't find anywhere to go please don't engage with him. Just mind your own business until you can get out. Don't listen to anything he says. He's bullying you! Don't check up on anything and let him do as he pleases. Your in no shape to deal with this now. I hope you can get out soon. This relationship is TOXIC.
I'm also sending prayers your way NO ONE should have to live like this. Stick to your guns and get well. You'll see how much better your life can be.
Your not losing your mind. I can promise you that! Your living in hell right now. Trying to please everyone but yourself and letting him make you feel badly about yourself. Of course your a good person. Don't believe what he's telling you.
I know what its like to have no where to go......its scary! How could he be so cruel to you. If you can't find anywhere to go please don't engage with him. Just mind your own business until you can get out. Don't listen to anything he says. He's bullying you! Don't check up on anything and let him do as he pleases. Your in no shape to deal with this now. I hope you can get out soon. This relationship is TOXIC.
I'm also sending prayers your way NO ONE should have to live like this. Stick to your guns and get well. You'll see how much better your life can be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Fredonia N.Y
Posts: 44
want to say thanks to everyone...(THANKS) i was having a really really bad night and really needed someone to talk to... and well thank god for this site... it helped me threw that... just being able to vent as i did.... and well i went to my appt today.... just got back about a half hour ago and things are looking good... she said she should have me into a treatment center by tomorrow or the next day.... god i cant wait...and i no its nest for me to leave here and just work on me and not worry about any of this.... and that is just what i am going to do..... i need to work on me... and yes i guess i am going to be selfish for awhile and that is all i am going to work on for now......
i know its alot easier said then done....but being in a inpatient treatment i am hoping that helps all the more...
i want me back... i want life... and happiness and love... the real love thou.... i want to love myself again... AND UNTIL I DO... I CANT LOVE ANYONE... AND OR BE LOVED MY ANYONE
thanks so much to all of you for being there for me... when i really needed it
Jen
i know its alot easier said then done....but being in a inpatient treatment i am hoping that helps all the more...
i want me back... i want life... and happiness and love... the real love thou.... i want to love myself again... AND UNTIL I DO... I CANT LOVE ANYONE... AND OR BE LOVED MY ANYONE
thanks so much to all of you for being there for me... when i really needed it
Jen
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
BRAVO Cissybug!
If you go into treatment with that attitude, chances are you'll get the most out of it. It's the best kind of selfishness: to take care of and love ourselves. And you're so right about needing to do that first before we can have loving relationships. I'm excited for you!:day6
If you go into treatment with that attitude, chances are you'll get the most out of it. It's the best kind of selfishness: to take care of and love ourselves. And you're so right about needing to do that first before we can have loving relationships. I'm excited for you!:day6
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