I slip, regain my footing and climb some more.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I slip, regain my footing and climb some more.
Coffee Drinker wisely posted this on another thread
This is my experience, when I step out of my sacred space and into his, I'm surprised when this happens again and again. Surprised and hurt. I am working to stop setting myself up for disappointment, and to be kinder to myself when I do.
I'm beginning to see this pattern not as me being an idiot, or any of the other horrible names I curse myself with, but rather a side effect of my abusive and neglectful up bringing. For years I've had an intellectual awareness of the connection between my childhood and my dysfunction as an adult, yet I continue to I recreate this absent, unavailable primary relationship--with my AH. That's why I initially picked him-to recreate this situation and attempt to finally have someone who doesn't love me, love me.
That's why on so many levels I keep recreating it, to have control over it. It's hardwired into me, but not impossible to change.
good news is, when I am rejected by the reject, rather than spiral out of control in despair then trying to control and change him - like I did when we were still living together-I get away from him to reset my internal self protection clock and focus on myself.
this happened just this week, I had a huge meltdown and I experienced all the pain and fury of my childhood and my parents not loving me. But then I steped back to examine myself my motives and how to make things better.
At least I'm not calculating my next move to control AH. I'm grateful that, despite the fact that I keep engaging with him and he keeps abandoning me, I have grown enough to go back to my own space and self asses honestly-not sort out how to control him, but examine and be honest with myself, using the tools and information given here and elsewhere. Instead of living together and being consumed by him, obsessed with him, I'm living my own life and on occasion, reengaging until I'm not respected, then getting space and taking care of myself. That's not progress, not perfection.
Little by little, I'm sorting out how to live a healthier life. Each time I experience this crap from him, I'm still angry and sad and lashing out, but I learn a bit more about myself and the recovery time is quicker. I"m practicing and getting better at refocusing on the things that i do have control over and that matter the most to me. And today I know that I'm picking my way up a stony mountainside with an occasional landslide back closer to, but not reaching, the bottom. It's slow, but I'll reach the top eventually.
this is the nature of the relationship: you have a need, you ask for him to be there for you, and he is simply unable to be. inconsistently unavailable. he didn't return your call, yet he was admittedly on the phone all day. just what was his priority?
we experience freedom when we stop setting ourselves up for disappointment.
we experience freedom when we stop setting ourselves up for disappointment.
I'm beginning to see this pattern not as me being an idiot, or any of the other horrible names I curse myself with, but rather a side effect of my abusive and neglectful up bringing. For years I've had an intellectual awareness of the connection between my childhood and my dysfunction as an adult, yet I continue to I recreate this absent, unavailable primary relationship--with my AH. That's why I initially picked him-to recreate this situation and attempt to finally have someone who doesn't love me, love me.
That's why on so many levels I keep recreating it, to have control over it. It's hardwired into me, but not impossible to change.
good news is, when I am rejected by the reject, rather than spiral out of control in despair then trying to control and change him - like I did when we were still living together-I get away from him to reset my internal self protection clock and focus on myself.
this happened just this week, I had a huge meltdown and I experienced all the pain and fury of my childhood and my parents not loving me. But then I steped back to examine myself my motives and how to make things better.
At least I'm not calculating my next move to control AH. I'm grateful that, despite the fact that I keep engaging with him and he keeps abandoning me, I have grown enough to go back to my own space and self asses honestly-not sort out how to control him, but examine and be honest with myself, using the tools and information given here and elsewhere. Instead of living together and being consumed by him, obsessed with him, I'm living my own life and on occasion, reengaging until I'm not respected, then getting space and taking care of myself. That's not progress, not perfection.
Little by little, I'm sorting out how to live a healthier life. Each time I experience this crap from him, I'm still angry and sad and lashing out, but I learn a bit more about myself and the recovery time is quicker. I"m practicing and getting better at refocusing on the things that i do have control over and that matter the most to me. And today I know that I'm picking my way up a stony mountainside with an occasional landslide back closer to, but not reaching, the bottom. It's slow, but I'll reach the top eventually.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Awesome AND inspiring post!
Your "Little by little" comment made me think of the song "Little by Little" by Robert Plant...
It's therapeutic.
YouTube - Robert Plant-Little By Little
credits: Plant/Woodroffe
from: Shaken ‘n Stirred
Your "Little by little" comment made me think of the song "Little by Little" by Robert Plant...
It's therapeutic.
YouTube - Robert Plant-Little By Little
Little by little, my heart bleeds
Little by little, I call your name
Little by little, my tears fall
Little by little, everything changes
Little by little, the time goes
Little by little, the days pass by
Little by little, the air clears
Little by little, I can breathe again
I can breathe again –
Back at the mirror - your good friend
Talk to the mirror, but play out your game
Sat in the middle, I stop then
Look at the winner, and the price you pay
Close the window - I tremble
Love was a fall that had no end
Now little by little - the air clears
Little by little, I can breathe again
I can breathe again –
I call your name - I call your name
I call your name - I call your name
Everything changes - everything changes
I call your name
I can breathe again –
Little by little, I call your name
Little by little, my tears fall
Little by little, everything changes
Little by little, the time goes
Little by little, the days pass by
Little by little, the air clears
Little by little, I can breathe again
I can breathe again –
Back at the mirror - your good friend
Talk to the mirror, but play out your game
Sat in the middle, I stop then
Look at the winner, and the price you pay
Close the window - I tremble
Love was a fall that had no end
Now little by little - the air clears
Little by little, I can breathe again
I can breathe again –
I call your name - I call your name
I call your name - I call your name
Everything changes - everything changes
I call your name
I can breathe again –
from: Shaken ‘n Stirred
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Transform, what a great and inspiring post. And thanks, Coffee, for sharing your wisdom.
It is absolutely true...when we stop setting ourselves up for disappointment, it allows us to move forward. We can now continue looking at and into ourselves, just like you said, Transform. We can start really healing our own wounds, for us, instead of letting an unavailable person rob us of our energy and our love and all that we have to offer ourselves and the people who genuinely love us back.
Transform, have you followed the boundaries/abandonment thread? You are pinpointing in yourself the very same things we have been discussing there having to do with your childhood. Check it out and see what you think!
Hugs and a belated happy birthday to you! :day6
It is absolutely true...when we stop setting ourselves up for disappointment, it allows us to move forward. We can now continue looking at and into ourselves, just like you said, Transform. We can start really healing our own wounds, for us, instead of letting an unavailable person rob us of our energy and our love and all that we have to offer ourselves and the people who genuinely love us back.
Transform, have you followed the boundaries/abandonment thread? You are pinpointing in yourself the very same things we have been discussing there having to do with your childhood. Check it out and see what you think!
Hugs and a belated happy birthday to you! :day6
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