Advice needed.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Advice needed.
Just need some advice. Also to basically share what I'm feeling where I'm at with others in recovery should help.
Basically I have obviously recently celebrated my year sober. I have rediscovered my passion for music againa and I am playing my electric guitar regularly again. The passion is back and the self-confidence and I know I need to look to get back into a band as my talent deservers that much. Also it would be a great way of branching out socially etc.
My philosophy on this has been take it a day at a time and it will show it's hand.
Well basically I have just recived some txts from an old mate of mine saying that he is fed up with his band and wants to look to form a new band with me. This kid is into much the similar music to me and we used to go to gigs together. However we also used to get wrecked together to.
He knows I have a year sober and I'm a recovering alcoholic. However I am just unsure as to whether to take him up on the offer, which i know it would be good for me to get back into a decent band again. However obviously a large proprtion of me is also warey and unsure because of the fact that rock n' roll and the music scene was a massive part of my drinking and drugging. I obviously don;t want to jeopardise my life for the sake of a band, however musicians into the same stuff and available to form bands don't grow on trees.
I'm just a little unsure what to do. It's easy to always say don;t go there with anybody who you used to drink/drug with but on the other hand it would be cool to get playing 'live' at gigs again etc and generally getting involved with the music again. Obviously I don;t want to jeopardise my recovery either.
Ahh, what to do?
peace
Basically I have obviously recently celebrated my year sober. I have rediscovered my passion for music againa and I am playing my electric guitar regularly again. The passion is back and the self-confidence and I know I need to look to get back into a band as my talent deservers that much. Also it would be a great way of branching out socially etc.
My philosophy on this has been take it a day at a time and it will show it's hand.
Well basically I have just recived some txts from an old mate of mine saying that he is fed up with his band and wants to look to form a new band with me. This kid is into much the similar music to me and we used to go to gigs together. However we also used to get wrecked together to.
He knows I have a year sober and I'm a recovering alcoholic. However I am just unsure as to whether to take him up on the offer, which i know it would be good for me to get back into a decent band again. However obviously a large proprtion of me is also warey and unsure because of the fact that rock n' roll and the music scene was a massive part of my drinking and drugging. I obviously don;t want to jeopardise my life for the sake of a band, however musicians into the same stuff and available to form bands don't grow on trees.
I'm just a little unsure what to do. It's easy to always say don;t go there with anybody who you used to drink/drug with but on the other hand it would be cool to get playing 'live' at gigs again etc and generally getting involved with the music again. Obviously I don;t want to jeopardise my recovery either.
Ahh, what to do?
peace
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
It if were me, I'd give it a go.
You might want to set some boundaries with this friend that there would be no drinking or drugging associated with the band and/or at rehearsals or gigs. That could be part of the 'contract' under which you'd form a band with him.
All the best to you as you explore music all over again - sober!
You might want to set some boundaries with this friend that there would be no drinking or drugging associated with the band and/or at rehearsals or gigs. That could be part of the 'contract' under which you'd form a band with him. All the best to you as you explore music all over again - sober!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 83
Hey Man, Awesome to hear you got your year, and are still willing to persue the sober life, so far ahead of so many already. I would go for the gig man, you are causious, and asking others opinions here in SR and that's a great start to check on your "motivations". We obviously can't live out lives in little sober bubbles, once we mend our soul's we need to re-join the world the best we can, to do what we're meant to do here on this planet.
You should definitely not jeopardize yourself in any way, which is why, if it were me, I would lay out some clear boundaries, with your friend, about what you can and cannot do. Make sure to set them up enough so that you have some warning if things may go out of control. I use little organizers, like make the bed every morning (whoops!), goto bed at a certain time, hang out with friends at a public bar only when there is a good reason (anniversary, birthday, marriage, award) and then leave as soon as I put in my good appearance. Things like that can allow you to enjoy the regular life, and also protect your precious sobriety.
I find our bodies to be wonderful barometers with fear and comfortability, and you should see the warning signs, and or feel awkward about a situation, before you get into it, if you have been working your sobriety. I wish you good luck and appreciate all the sharing you do here for us drunks.
-Lith
You should definitely not jeopardize yourself in any way, which is why, if it were me, I would lay out some clear boundaries, with your friend, about what you can and cannot do. Make sure to set them up enough so that you have some warning if things may go out of control. I use little organizers, like make the bed every morning (whoops!), goto bed at a certain time, hang out with friends at a public bar only when there is a good reason (anniversary, birthday, marriage, award) and then leave as soon as I put in my good appearance. Things like that can allow you to enjoy the regular life, and also protect your precious sobriety.
I find our bodies to be wonderful barometers with fear and comfortability, and you should see the warning signs, and or feel awkward about a situation, before you get into it, if you have been working your sobriety. I wish you good luck and appreciate all the sharing you do here for us drunks.
-Lith
Karma Amputee
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
I would say go for it.
Be YOU to the max, just without the booze.
A good friend payed me a very nice compliment this weekend at a wedding and what she said was: "It's great you quit drinking and that you don't need alcohol to make you funny."
My sense of humor is still very much intact (perhaps even stronger and more refined now) ...and likewise your musical creative side is still intact. I say let it out, let it take you where you want to go, and let it be the gift to others that it truly is.
And before long I guarantee you will hear somebody say: "It's great you quit drinking and that you don't need alcohol to make you a great musician."
Be YOU to the max, just without the booze.
A good friend payed me a very nice compliment this weekend at a wedding and what she said was: "It's great you quit drinking and that you don't need alcohol to make you funny."
My sense of humor is still very much intact (perhaps even stronger and more refined now) ...and likewise your musical creative side is still intact. I say let it out, let it take you where you want to go, and let it be the gift to others that it truly is.
And before long I guarantee you will hear somebody say: "It's great you quit drinking and that you don't need alcohol to make you a great musician."
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Brussels (from Ireland)
Posts: 221
Hey there Neo,
Just back from hols (survived 10 days of in your face temptation in France!!) this morning and saw your post. I would tend to agree with Least and Lithobid above - you have come a very long way and seem to be a wise/reasonable person and I don't see you blowing it all on a whim. Indeed, have a frank discussion with your friend and make a contract of some sorts - if he breaks it then he risks losing his partner/the band!
I'm so delighted that you've gotten your passion for music back and are playing your guitar: it's part of who you are and you can't deny yourself that! Perhaps we'll be seeing you one day over here playing at Rock Werchter :-)!
Take good care of yourself and keep us posted on how you get on.
Big hugs,
Almath
PS: thanks for your wee comment
Just back from hols (survived 10 days of in your face temptation in France!!) this morning and saw your post. I would tend to agree with Least and Lithobid above - you have come a very long way and seem to be a wise/reasonable person and I don't see you blowing it all on a whim. Indeed, have a frank discussion with your friend and make a contract of some sorts - if he breaks it then he risks losing his partner/the band!
I'm so delighted that you've gotten your passion for music back and are playing your guitar: it's part of who you are and you can't deny yourself that! Perhaps we'll be seeing you one day over here playing at Rock Werchter :-)!
Take good care of yourself and keep us posted on how you get on.
Big hugs,
Almath
PS: thanks for your wee comment
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST 
It's easy to always say don;t go there with anybody who you used to drink/drug
My social relations with booze is described on pages 100-101 of AA's Big Book. I go anywhere and do anything I want if I have a legitimate reason for doing so. Weddings, parties, concerts, whatever, I have served the booze and picked up the beer cans after. And I do so without fear.
Those pages contain directions for the alcoholic in those situations, and they also contain expectations. They are written with an important caveat that the alcoholic is recovered through the spiritual awakening of the 12 Steps and is in fit spiritual condition.
You're right. It's very easy to put my life in a box and restrict my playgrounds and playmates. That is great advice and good practice for someone not recovered from alcoholism.
It's foolish and fearful advice for someone who is recovered.
Which are you?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Neo, I agree that will need firm boundaries if you go ahead with the new band idea, but I do think you should do it. You said it's a passion and that is hugely important. In recovery, we should find our passions and enjoy our lives as much as possible.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Thanks for all of the replies. Much appreciated. I value all of them greatly.
If this particular 'venture' works out then great. But if not something else will come along and slot into place.
Thank you SR.
peace
If this particular 'venture' works out then great. But if not something else will come along and slot into place.
Thank you SR.
peace
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
Neo, lots of great musicians got sober and were able to put out amazing music. Eric Clapton, Steven Tyler (and the rest of Aerosmith), Metallica...But drugs and alcohol have screwed up the music, careers and lives of many musicians. I once saw Stone Temple Pilots at a festival show, and Scott Weiland forgot the words to some of his songs. I've also seen Liam Gallagher of Oasis mumble through songs and people begin to boo, all while he kept chugging that bottle of vodka he kept it front of him. Both of those experiences were pretty uncool.
If you think you can do this and still stay strong in your recovery, I'd give it a shot. I've recently thought about picking up my trumpet and starting to wail again. I used to be really good. No reason I can't be again.
If you think you can do this and still stay strong in your recovery, I'd give it a shot. I've recently thought about picking up my trumpet and starting to wail again. I used to be really good. No reason I can't be again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 275
I'd say go for it also. If Nikki Sixx from the Crue can tour in recovery you should be able to jam with your mates, just be careful and explain to them whats up. I play (just for fun) also and haven't been to the jam studio in awhile because I was too messed up this year, but now that I have 3 weeks sober I'm really wanting to plug in again. (Without 25 beers and a bag of blow) Please post how it goes, best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Lowell
Posts: 345
I love rock & roll, even at the age of 65. More what we call "classic rock" and I'm not going to go through a list. I do know that a lot of rock stars and groups I followed have been through the alcohol and drug scene. Some made it to recovery and some made it to the grave. A lot of music I listened to always sounded better when I was drinking and/or doing drugs. It was the "sex and drugs and rock and roll" era of my time.
I can tell you this, a lot of music I listened to with alcohol and/or drugs doesn't bother me to listen to today. I still listen to a lot of that old music I liked, even the song "Sex and drugs and rock and roll."
I have built my recovery on a good and solid foundation and my feet are planted on the ground, which is the best way especially for when my head is in the clouds.
But saying all of that, I tend to agree with what Keithj shared. Just maybe something you might want to look into first. That's not to say that others don't have good replies, for they do. The ones that suggest setting boundaries and even making a contract about no alcohol and drugs at certain times. Especially the times when you are going to be there with them and they might be in the party mode more than a constructive artistic mode.
I was very fortunate to have a good sponsor, sent with the blessings from God, that actually helped me a lot by not saying yes or no to things I might have wanted to do that would put me into some kind of danger. He would just say "well, you could do that." Which meant to me, maybe I should think it out some more. Even if it meant discussing it with other people that maybe involved in the situation. When I did do this, things became a little more clearer to me. And because I took more time to think about it or discuss it more, some the the things I wanted to do I cancelled. But there were things that I followed through with and they worked out okay too.
So without drawing this out anymore, I'll leave you with "well, you can do that."
Take care and may God bless and watch over you, what ever your decision may be.
Harry
I can tell you this, a lot of music I listened to with alcohol and/or drugs doesn't bother me to listen to today. I still listen to a lot of that old music I liked, even the song "Sex and drugs and rock and roll."
I have built my recovery on a good and solid foundation and my feet are planted on the ground, which is the best way especially for when my head is in the clouds.
But saying all of that, I tend to agree with what Keithj shared. Just maybe something you might want to look into first. That's not to say that others don't have good replies, for they do. The ones that suggest setting boundaries and even making a contract about no alcohol and drugs at certain times. Especially the times when you are going to be there with them and they might be in the party mode more than a constructive artistic mode.
I was very fortunate to have a good sponsor, sent with the blessings from God, that actually helped me a lot by not saying yes or no to things I might have wanted to do that would put me into some kind of danger. He would just say "well, you could do that." Which meant to me, maybe I should think it out some more. Even if it meant discussing it with other people that maybe involved in the situation. When I did do this, things became a little more clearer to me. And because I took more time to think about it or discuss it more, some the the things I wanted to do I cancelled. But there were things that I followed through with and they worked out okay too.
So without drawing this out anymore, I'll leave you with "well, you can do that."
Take care and may God bless and watch over you, what ever your decision may be.
Harry
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Neo, I have been waiting for you to ask this question (or reach this point). I'm nervous and apprehensive for you too. I've wanted you to be able to go back to music since we started talking here, but I knew you had to wait the appropriate time first. (Interesting how this is almost like opening back up to relationships after the "one year rule.")
You have pages and pages of your meditations and concerns here. You have said repeatedly that you would essentially ruin your life if you touched another drink. I think you should take that healthy respect with you, and defend yourself against any threats. (I sound like I am sending off a boy to school or military.) Whether it's an old friend or a new one, the substance issue can rear its head, simply because of the connections, surroundings, or coaxing from others or even innocent yet dangerous mistakes - like drinking from the "wrong cup."
You also have to live your life. It would be locking up part of you in a closet to avoid music forever. It's an experience, not a drink. You know what you can and can't do. We have to count on you to be aware of that and be free with this new enlightened selfhood you have.
Wishing the best!
You have pages and pages of your meditations and concerns here. You have said repeatedly that you would essentially ruin your life if you touched another drink. I think you should take that healthy respect with you, and defend yourself against any threats. (I sound like I am sending off a boy to school or military.) Whether it's an old friend or a new one, the substance issue can rear its head, simply because of the connections, surroundings, or coaxing from others or even innocent yet dangerous mistakes - like drinking from the "wrong cup."
You also have to live your life. It would be locking up part of you in a closet to avoid music forever. It's an experience, not a drink. You know what you can and can't do. We have to count on you to be aware of that and be free with this new enlightened selfhood you have.
Wishing the best!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 413
Hello Neomarxist. I am a full time muso and can give you my experience of this dilemma.
Last year I was sober for 7 months. I found that the temptation wasnt there but only on certain terms.
1 Drive to your gigs so noone will offer you a drink.
2 Dont hang around afterwards no matter what, you will only have to endure drunks and it can be quite stressful.
3 If you are rehearsing insist that noone drinks during the practice..
4 Be prepared to sit in your car at times for your personal space which you will need in order to remain sober
5 Finally, if your mate offers you a drink knowing your story, dont give him a second chance, just leave the band
Gud luck
Last year I was sober for 7 months. I found that the temptation wasnt there but only on certain terms.
1 Drive to your gigs so noone will offer you a drink.
2 Dont hang around afterwards no matter what, you will only have to endure drunks and it can be quite stressful.
3 If you are rehearsing insist that noone drinks during the practice..
4 Be prepared to sit in your car at times for your personal space which you will need in order to remain sober
5 Finally, if your mate offers you a drink knowing your story, dont give him a second chance, just leave the band
Gud luck
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Neo, I believe you are secure enough and grounded to follow this venture and if it goes south then so be it. The door is right there for you to leave.
This is the approach I have to many things in my early sobriety. I say....ok I will give it a go and if I feel uncomfortable or it isn't what I had hoped then I can walk away without regret.
Let us know how you make out!
This is the approach I have to many things in my early sobriety. I say....ok I will give it a go and if I feel uncomfortable or it isn't what I had hoped then I can walk away without regret.
Let us know how you make out!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Originally Posted by Kmber2010
Neo, I believe you are secure enough and grounded to follow this venture and if it goes south then so be it. The door is right there for you to leave.
This is the approach I have to many things in my early sobriety. I say....ok I will give it a go and if I feel uncomfortable or it isn't what I had hoped then I can walk away without regret.
Let us know how you make out!
This is the approach I have to many things in my early sobriety. I say....ok I will give it a go and if I feel uncomfortable or it isn't what I had hoped then I can walk away without regret.
Let us know how you make out!
It's great to know that all it takes is to say "no" and like you say I can walk away if it's just not working out and feeling "right".
I feel like accepting my mates invitation is also a new step forward for me in my recovery. Like I am ready to start branching out into the many different "facets" of life on the social/recreational level. It has taken me until now to be comfortable with that and I know that my motives are pure and I will always aim to stay "rigorously honest".
I am grateful for having SR to share my journey with and it's great to know that I have so many here that I trust and truly value and appreciate.
Incidentally I have just returned back from other recovery related stuff. That is working out good and nearing the end. Which I am very pleased that I've addressed that stuff and it's something I couldn't have ever dreamt of facing before I got comfortable in my recovery.
I try to take everything 'one day at a time' as best as possible. I find this helps me greatly.
Peace
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
Hey Neo,
Am also late responding - apologies. But how timely!
I went to an outdoor rock concert last Sunday and it stirred up many memories of being wasted at so many of them in my drinking days.
Even the people I was with (who are true social drinkers) got a couple of drinks to go along with the excitement and the mood of the awesome music.
I remember having a knee-jerk reaction to feeling like a drink would make the concert a real rockin' time based on what I had done for so many years in the past.
The difference this time around was that the desire to drink just wasn't there. I remember consciously thinking that if I drank, I'd feel like crap.
I guess what I'm saying is that when I really re-adjusted my way of life without alcohol, it didn't matter what anyone else was doing.
Can honestly say that the only substance I ingested that day was an Advil cold and sinus.
I've met wonderful people in AA but haven't gone myself in almost 2 years. For me, when I said enough was enough, I meant it not only in my heart but in my head.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Just because we got sober does not mean that we stopped living. Life goes on and I think it's a series of successes in overcoming situations where alcohol is involved that gives us a sense of confidence and pride.
If the worst that can happen is that the temptation proves too great, you can walk away. I'd be up front with your buddy about this so the band isn't blind-sided. If they're really friends, they'll be okay with it. Good luck, Neo.
Am also late responding - apologies. But how timely!
I went to an outdoor rock concert last Sunday and it stirred up many memories of being wasted at so many of them in my drinking days.
Even the people I was with (who are true social drinkers) got a couple of drinks to go along with the excitement and the mood of the awesome music.
I remember having a knee-jerk reaction to feeling like a drink would make the concert a real rockin' time based on what I had done for so many years in the past.
The difference this time around was that the desire to drink just wasn't there. I remember consciously thinking that if I drank, I'd feel like crap.
I guess what I'm saying is that when I really re-adjusted my way of life without alcohol, it didn't matter what anyone else was doing.
Can honestly say that the only substance I ingested that day was an Advil cold and sinus.
I've met wonderful people in AA but haven't gone myself in almost 2 years. For me, when I said enough was enough, I meant it not only in my heart but in my head.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Just because we got sober does not mean that we stopped living. Life goes on and I think it's a series of successes in overcoming situations where alcohol is involved that gives us a sense of confidence and pride.
If the worst that can happen is that the temptation proves too great, you can walk away. I'd be up front with your buddy about this so the band isn't blind-sided. If they're really friends, they'll be okay with it. Good luck, Neo.
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