Giving up control
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 94
Giving up control
I brought up my issue at an Al Anon meeting a couple weeks ago and I was told that it sounded like a control issue. My question then, how do you give up controlling?!
I guess I have several components to my problem. My husband is a recovering alcoholic, we've been married for 13 months now. I knew going into the relationship that he had outstanding debt and later learned that it was mainly outstanding debt from when he was in active alcoholism. So one, resentment and two, controlling. The controlling comes in because I am constantly obsessing about our money situation and I will check our banking online to see if he's made purchases. I tried to talk to him a couple weeks ago about taking a certain amount of money out for each week and not spending anymore than that, but that suggestion didn't go far.
My question, how do you deal with controlling (giving up control) and resentments (getting past them and letting go of them)?
I guess I have several components to my problem. My husband is a recovering alcoholic, we've been married for 13 months now. I knew going into the relationship that he had outstanding debt and later learned that it was mainly outstanding debt from when he was in active alcoholism. So one, resentment and two, controlling. The controlling comes in because I am constantly obsessing about our money situation and I will check our banking online to see if he's made purchases. I tried to talk to him a couple weeks ago about taking a certain amount of money out for each week and not spending anymore than that, but that suggestion didn't go far.
My question, how do you deal with controlling (giving up control) and resentments (getting past them and letting go of them)?
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
I pray, asking for my HP to release my craving to _____, whatever that might be. Or to release my feelings of resentment. Also I say the serenity prayer a lot, and I write in my journal. It's a one day at a time thing for me, for sure! :-)
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,904
It's good that you are going to Al-anon. They can certainly help you with those issues. It could be that you should have a banking account that he cannot access, from which you pay the bills and have a little money of your own. The other account can be more or less his to do with what he wants. You shouldn't have to be the bank account police, checking up on his purchases, but at the same time, you should assure that there is money available to pay the household bills. His debts from before you were married are his to handle. So long as you have the money available to take care of your joint expenses, what he does with his own money need not concern you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
If it were me, in order to stop trying to control the situation, i would take 100% responsibility for me and allow the other person to take 100% of responsibility for him. What that would mean to me for this situation would be to 100% SEPARATE the finances. You cannot change or control what HE does and it sounds to me like your burning desire to control this is the result of fear that he is going to screw up YOUR money situation too. Don't let others drag you down. And recite the Serenity Prayer when your anxiety gets out of hand.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm curious. Since you knew going into the relationship that he had outstanding debt, why did you marry him? That outstanding debt wasn't going to go away just because you got a marriage certificate signed.
As far as the resentment, that's like drinking poison yourself, and waiting for your enemy to die.
Are the financial responsibilities of the household not being met?
As far as the resentment, that's like drinking poison yourself, and waiting for your enemy to die.
Are the financial responsibilities of the household not being met?
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
As far as the resentment, that's like drinking poison yourself, and waiting for your enemy to die.
And for giving up controlling, I think you do it only when you trully realize that things you're trying to control can not be controled by you. If you're only trying to correct the behaviour and not what drives that behaviour you're not too likely to have it stick.
I wish you well
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
You knew HE had these debts, and that is all you need know. They are HIS to deal with, and if he doesn't handle them and you are dragged into it, then you need worry...til then leave it.
My daughter has her own account, as does her husband and both work. They put cash into the mortgage and into a housekeeping account, to pay for all necessities.
The first control need is to control yourself and your actions....something we see the A being unable to do for themselves, and see the chaos it brings to all involved.
God bless
My daughter has her own account, as does her husband and both work. They put cash into the mortgage and into a housekeeping account, to pay for all necessities.
The first control need is to control yourself and your actions....something we see the A being unable to do for themselves, and see the chaos it brings to all involved.
God bless
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
I'm curious. Since you knew going into the relationship that he had outstanding debt, why did you marry him? That outstanding debt wasn't going to go away just because you got a marriage certificate signed.
Wow... sometimes I wonder why I post on here. No s**t the outstanding debt would not go away with a marriage certificate! The same as when you marry an alcoholic in active use, they don't just quit drinking! But for whatever reason, we are sick ourselves, we still go into the relationship!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Oh, control, a terrible yet old friend for me. I took over all the finances when we started living together, and because of his own laziness or whatever, he let it happen. I'd complain that he didn't take an active part; he'd complain that I wouldn't let him. So at times I said fine, you do it all, he'd be all about it for a day or two and then things would slide and I'd step in.
After a while in Al Anon - I decided that I no longer wanted to worry about his financial interest or disinterest. We have different bills in different names depending on who contacted the organization. If it's in his name, I don't even open the envelope anymore. Hard at first but you know what? Now I feel free! Free that I no longer have to worry about his crap and only have to deal with my own. If he doesn't pay his cellphone bill, his service will be cut, not mine. Yes, there is some overlap, but you have to be willing to drop it, or change it for yourself. I'm ok if my cable goes off. And if he has to pay a fee then he's the one who can't go shopping next time for the things he wants. We have one joint account but only money for our living expenses stays there; all else is allocated to accounts which happen to be in my name only because I created them. And you know, since I let go, he has stepped up and although not at 100% he's now pretty good at taking care of things. It was at its worst and created problems for us as a couple when he felt I took away all his power. And who was I really, to do that? He was responsible for his finances before he met me, so it shouldn't have changed.
Recently he's had some unpaid tickets that he's left so they'd gone on to charge extra fees. Issue I had is that the car is registered in my name because my mom gave it to me and I was worried it would have some repercussions on me. But it's a beater and he drives it, I drive our regular car. I went to the license bureau to make sure I wouldn't get dinged for his poor driving decisions. They told me no, but I also have the option to transfer ownership to his name. That is what I have the power to do to protect my driving record, not nag him to pay his damned tickets. It's a subtle shift, in this particular case I was able to control my situation while at the same time allowing him to have his.
After a while in Al Anon - I decided that I no longer wanted to worry about his financial interest or disinterest. We have different bills in different names depending on who contacted the organization. If it's in his name, I don't even open the envelope anymore. Hard at first but you know what? Now I feel free! Free that I no longer have to worry about his crap and only have to deal with my own. If he doesn't pay his cellphone bill, his service will be cut, not mine. Yes, there is some overlap, but you have to be willing to drop it, or change it for yourself. I'm ok if my cable goes off. And if he has to pay a fee then he's the one who can't go shopping next time for the things he wants. We have one joint account but only money for our living expenses stays there; all else is allocated to accounts which happen to be in my name only because I created them. And you know, since I let go, he has stepped up and although not at 100% he's now pretty good at taking care of things. It was at its worst and created problems for us as a couple when he felt I took away all his power. And who was I really, to do that? He was responsible for his finances before he met me, so it shouldn't have changed.
Recently he's had some unpaid tickets that he's left so they'd gone on to charge extra fees. Issue I had is that the car is registered in my name because my mom gave it to me and I was worried it would have some repercussions on me. But it's a beater and he drives it, I drive our regular car. I went to the license bureau to make sure I wouldn't get dinged for his poor driving decisions. They told me no, but I also have the option to transfer ownership to his name. That is what I have the power to do to protect my driving record, not nag him to pay his damned tickets. It's a subtle shift, in this particular case I was able to control my situation while at the same time allowing him to have his.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Financial difficulties are a tough one - there has been some very good suggestions here - some tough ones, maybe even said with a little "tongue in cheek" but all I'm sure meant to help you in your struggle to find your peace.
I would like to add to the suggestions that even tho the debt occured PRIOR to the marriage - depending on the laws of your state - it may still affect your personal financial welfare ~ as far as community property, liens, liabilities, etc.
You may want to find out how you can protect yourself financially in case your husband does for some reason decide not to honor those responsibilities.
As far as daily management - FOR ME - checking the bank account, wallet, bills paid or not paid - would be just like marking the liquor bottles, counting the pills, and monitoring the number of drinks - It WOULD make my life unmanagable. I will be unable to maintain my serenity and sanity.
I would have to detach with love ~ I would have to separate HIS bills from mine and explain it as such "In order to give you the dignity and respect to handle your own adult issues that I have the faith in you that you CAN handle this - I believe it is the healthiest thing for our household that you be responsible for your previous debts from a separate account. Now if we want our finances to be paid from a joint account that is fine, but we need to honor that this account is for "our" bills - not either one of our past debts"
If both of us could honor that boundary - then good - if not then the joint account wouldn't be an option.
That is just something that would help make my life more managable.
So my new friend - Take what you like and leave the rest - Hopefully you will have found some suggestions that may fit your situation, that may help you work thru your current issue.
Wishing you peace, serenity, joy and love,
HUGS,
Rita
I would like to add to the suggestions that even tho the debt occured PRIOR to the marriage - depending on the laws of your state - it may still affect your personal financial welfare ~ as far as community property, liens, liabilities, etc.
You may want to find out how you can protect yourself financially in case your husband does for some reason decide not to honor those responsibilities.
As far as daily management - FOR ME - checking the bank account, wallet, bills paid or not paid - would be just like marking the liquor bottles, counting the pills, and monitoring the number of drinks - It WOULD make my life unmanagable. I will be unable to maintain my serenity and sanity.
I would have to detach with love ~ I would have to separate HIS bills from mine and explain it as such "In order to give you the dignity and respect to handle your own adult issues that I have the faith in you that you CAN handle this - I believe it is the healthiest thing for our household that you be responsible for your previous debts from a separate account. Now if we want our finances to be paid from a joint account that is fine, but we need to honor that this account is for "our" bills - not either one of our past debts"
If both of us could honor that boundary - then good - if not then the joint account wouldn't be an option.
That is just something that would help make my life more managable.
So my new friend - Take what you like and leave the rest - Hopefully you will have found some suggestions that may fit your situation, that may help you work thru your current issue.
Wishing you peace, serenity, joy and love,
HUGS,
Rita
Last edited by MsPINKAcres; 07-28-2010 at 11:42 AM. Reason: clarification :)
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by ksumm77
Wow... sometimes I wonder why I post on here. No s**t the outstanding debt would not go away with a marriage certificate! The same as when you marry an alcoholic in active use, they don't just quit drinking! But for whatever reason, we are sick ourselves, we still go into the relationship!
Are you really angry with him, or angry with yourself?
Nine times out of ten my anger towards someone else was actually anger at myself redirected.
I was not trying to be catty with my response, and I sincerely apologize for offending you.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
HI,
I hope you don't get mad at me too, but I agree with Freedom.
It is hard to take, I know. But, you married this man knowing that he was an addict and a spender. Now, you are mad that he spends and you cannot trust him. You signed up for that knowingly. Many of us did. It is nothing to be ashamed of. The most helpful thing for me is to fully accept responsibility for MY choices. This might help you too.
After we accept our own role in our situations, anger, resentment, relationships, then we can firgure out how to move forward.
I hope you don't get mad at me too, but I agree with Freedom.
It is hard to take, I know. But, you married this man knowing that he was an addict and a spender. Now, you are mad that he spends and you cannot trust him. You signed up for that knowingly. Many of us did. It is nothing to be ashamed of. The most helpful thing for me is to fully accept responsibility for MY choices. This might help you too.
After we accept our own role in our situations, anger, resentment, relationships, then we can firgure out how to move forward.
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