i dont know where to start!!! very long

Old 07-27-2010, 04:39 AM
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i dont know where to start!!! very long

I havent been here for a little while now so i am going to explain as much as i can without boring you all to death.

I split up with aebf in march sometime due to him smashing my mothers house up where i live,and also hitting me and his drinking.

I had a restraining order against him,he stayed away and my life was peacefull.

However he was on facebook talking about me and i became obsessed with checking it ,i even found the passwords and was watching him talking about me on chat( stupid move from me)

Around june time i bumped in to him in town,well it all goes downhill from there really, we talked cried and decided we would get back together

So the story begins, we moved to scotland to stay with his dad,we were getting on fine,he was still drinking and i was drinking with him,2 weeks later he started his crap again,accusing me of allsorts,hitting me,controlling me and i was devastated but at the time i was stuck soi did anything i could to placate him.

Eventually he got arrested for public order and because he was wanted back home they said that he will be transported back,so i made my move and came home.
However they ended up letting him out but as i was already home by this point he made his own way back to me.

From here the police got him,now he is in jail and he cant contact me which is a good thing in a way because it gives me time to find somewhere else to live where he cant find me but i just feel so stupid, he hit me really bad this time and i know i cant ever trust him and now i feel trapped again.

I really hate myself,how could i have been so stupid to go back after everything he did to me,i was even stupid enough to write him a letter with money in it because i felt sorry for him (what is wrong with me)

He always harps on about loyalty but has never shown any whatsoever to me and i have been nothing but loyal to him.So why do i feel the need to be so loyal to him when he is not?

I am worried about him coming out but i miss him.
I want a life of my own without men but dont want to live my life without him,i hate the mixed feelings that i feel all the time.

When we were apart i missed him everyday but i knew i was peacefull and safe,but still i go back like an idiot.

Im sorry this thread might not make much sense if its any consolation it doesnt make much sense to me either. What the hell can i do about this? what will i do when he gets out of jail and expects me to be there,he made me promise that i will never leave him no matter what and i did
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Old 07-27-2010, 04:53 AM
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The man beats you. Any "promises" made to someone who physically abuses us mean nothing. Get away where he cannot find you. Stop all contact with him. Get yourself to therapy. You need to work on your self-esteem issues. No one deserves to be beaten.
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Old 07-27-2010, 06:09 AM
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Physical abusers do not stop. They try to make you feel trapped, like you can't escape, using weapons like the "loyalty oath" he made you take.

Newsflash: oaths made under duress are NOT BINDING. You owe him nothing. Make yourself safe--use this window to get out NOW.

You can deal with the grief and feelings of loss later, when you are safe, with the help of a therapist. Your life and safety come first.

However hard it is, do it.
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Old 07-27-2010, 06:54 AM
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Please contact someone at Refuge Refuge or Women's Aid Women's Aid - Homepage and get some help. You don't deserve to live like this!
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Old 07-27-2010, 07:01 AM
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You went back with him because there was still something you had to learn.

You now know, deep in your being, that you cannot ever be with him, and that he is the sick man that you thought he was.

Please seek out help for women who are in abusive relationships. Even if this one is over, you are still the same person. Seek healing. And don't beat yourself up.
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Old 07-27-2010, 07:02 AM
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This may sound blunt but it sounds like a very toxic relationship. Love is not abuse, I agree with everyone here, get out while you can. In time the pain goes away and you can find a relationship where you can have everything including respect and love.
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Old 07-27-2010, 10:31 AM
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What's "wrong" with you is that you are a battered woman. He has used physical and emotional violence to control you and damage your self-worth. Don't trust your thoughts that tell you that you miss him! Do you miss having the crap beaten out of you?

You should focus on one thing right now - how do I get the hell away from this person? Do everything you can to cut ties. It's only when you have him completely out of your system that you'll be able to think clearly. You'll think, what took me so long?
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Old 07-27-2010, 01:09 PM
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I know i need to get the help but i keep thinking when i get there what am i gonna say? I dont find it easy to open up and i have been to a dv place and they have given me advice before but something in me tells me its not that bad.

I will say that i am no angel and i have hit him,infact i was the first one to lash out,this is usually due to drink which i am now realising i also have issues with drinking and the way i am when i drink. I am currently seeing an alcohol worker to go through my issues.

I know i can't forgive him for this because he will then walk all over me,thinking that i will just put up with it but i am so angry because i feel i deserve to be treated right and the sad thing is i want him to be the one to treat me right no one else.

I am going to get my own place because that way when he does come out i won't be here,also my mum just isnt being supportive at the moment which i can't really blame her in some respects but i feel so alone like ive got no one to talk to and no one that really understands.

I think im just my own worst enemy,i still dont feel like giving up on him yet,even though my gut is telling me stay well away.
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Old 07-27-2010, 01:29 PM
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Originally Posted by celticghirl View Post
I think im just my own worst enemy,i still dont feel like giving up on him yet,even though my gut is telling me stay well away.
Hold up. You don't want to give up on HIM because...? Just from reading your post, I see that he's an alcoholic and an abuser who has been in jail a few times and who has beat you up more than once. We're not talking about a gem here...

It doesn't matter that he MADE you promise anything. You do not have to keep a promise made to him when you were scared for your life!

I'm sorry your mom isn't being more supportive. But you know who is? The people here. They saved my butt more than once. And of course the nice people at Al-Anon, along with my therapist.

If you KNOW you have a weakness for him, then take steps to make sure you don't give in. Surround yourself with support, keep yourself busy and safe, delete his number, email, whatever, and refuse to see him. Eventually, it'll get easier.
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Old 07-27-2010, 01:39 PM
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i know that is right,sometimes when i sit here i think about the times when i just when along with him to placate him and i feel such anger about it all and i say to myself no thats it im not going back,but then i do i just dont seem to know myself anymore.

When i was away from him my family kept saying behind my back that i would be back with him blah blah and now i have proved them all right,so now they dont even ask me,infact i avoid them just incase they do.

How can i give them answers to something i dont even know the answer to.
God i wish id never met him,i really need to get my ass out there and get help and support its just having the energy and balls to do it.
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Old 07-27-2010, 01:42 PM
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My recommendation: Make a list of things you need to go to get the heck out of there. Then start working your way down that list.

Action is power. Once you start, you won't want to stop.
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:32 PM
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(((Celticghirl))), no one deserves to suffer abuse. You've done nothing to deserve to be hit. If it's safe to do so, start making and carrying out your plan to leave. Reach out and get help. The DV shelters and advocacy groups will not judge you; they know the cycles of abuse and what it takes for women to leave and leave safely; they understand why we make the mistake of going back to our abuser; they know why we finally decide to leave for good.

Please check out the links that bookwyrm posted. They have information about safety plans and leaving. Take it one step at a time. You don't have to look at the big picture of leaving him all at once. Look at step 1 of your plan and do that. Then look at step 2, then step 3, etc.

Keep safe. Wishing you strength and peace. Hugs.
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:59 PM
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celticghirl... Big hug to you.

You CAN do this! You found the courage to find us here... and told us about your story.... you already have the courage to find help... you just need to take another tiny baby step....

Getting where we want and need to be is only a series of small steps... one right after the other (preferably in the correct and healthy direction) and before we know it.... we're so much farther along than we would or could have ever imagined.... that's what worked for me.

I agree with what everyone here has already posted.... so there isn't much more that I can add except my support.... and to reiterate...

#1) get to a safe place

#2) and ditch this very sick person who "made" you take an oath to him.... yet gives not one lil thought as to how he treats you... or hurts you. (repeatedly)

I found the following thread started by Learn2Live very helpful.... maybe you will too.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-you-have.html

#3) Take care of YOU

#4) Keep us posted on how you're doing and how you're feeling.

#5) This is your life only YOU can make it better.

:ghug3
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Old 07-28-2010, 06:09 PM
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Girl, put on your big girl panties and move forward with your life, get your butt in a shelter.

Forget all that oath crap, it's a bunch of nonsense. I made an oath to my best friend in the third grade, we would be friends forever...we haven't seen each other for 55 years...so much for that.

Physical abuse is a deal breaker, for both of you. You two are toxic to each other and have no business being together.

Listen to those who have posted above, they know what they are talking about.
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Old 07-28-2010, 07:54 PM
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Please contact your nearest domestic violence center, and see if you can set up some counseling with them.

It's difficult enough dealing with codependency, but throw in being a battered woman, and it really takes extra support.

I am a survivor of domestic abuse, and I don't believe there were nearly as many resources back then, but I could be wrong. I left my EXAH in 1986.

Keep posting, and know that we are here to support you!
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