venting about AH
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: East Coast
Posts: 90
venting about AH
Am not sleeping again. Always happens when things get crazy. I swear I though that leaving him would make him let go and leave me alone. Ummm not so much. Having children with an alcoholic ties them to you for the rest of your life. That's really sinking in right now.
My girlfriend (where I've been living) has been watching our kids this summer. She has 4 kids of her own and our oldest were introduced when they were in diapers. They've always considered each other best friends.
AH agreed to this childcare agreement and has even been paying for it. He thought it was a good idea, my friend takes them to swim lessons, the movies, the library. They do crafts, play outside and have a good time. WIth them staying where I live during the day it gives me more access to them... I love this but AH made a comment that made it sound as if it were a negative thing. Like he's 3 years old and he's stomping his foot that I get to see them more. Whah!
Anyway said girlfriend has been out of town and unavailable for 2 weeks so I scheduled them to go to the back up babysitter. She's been watching them for years. Backup babysitter is someone that lives a ways away from both of us, but she's inexpensive and they know her. She takes good care of them.
AH has despised having to drive them to her house when he has them... he never minded when I did it EVERYDAY. When we were still married and it was my time he could have cared less. He sure never produced enough $ to send them somewhere closer.
Anyway backup babysitter texted me this AM. Said AH had removed kids from her care this morning after I dropped them off. Said that he was moving them to a new babysitter that was closer to his work and "more convenient" for him. A new babysitter that they don't know, that they have NEVER met.
He's been threatening this for months. He's decided that on the weeks he has them he will probably use this woman and on the off weeks I can do something different. He was paying for childcare and now he's indicating that he'll only do it the weeks he has them.
I am sooooo frustrated. I have given him what he wants, against my better judgement (NOT that I had a choice) I have agreed to try joint custody.
Doesn't he understand that moving the kids around at his whim, his convenience is NOT good for them? That it really is not about him?
I'm supposed to find out this week when he's leaving for 6-8 weeks for his Bone Marrow Transplant (he has cancer). I am planning to move back into my house since he will be several states away. Don't know how I'm going to feel emotionally moving back there, it's smelly and dirty. Am wondering what the kids will feel? How confusing it will be for them. However, I can't continue to live with my girlfriend and her family forever.
Am wondering what AH is going to try and do to stop me from moving back? I have every legal right to be there, but I'm trying to think strategically about this. What will he do?
We have pets that will need to be taken care of, he has yet to ask me to help. Wonder what he plans to do with them?
Have a consult with a new lawyer in a few days. Not sure if it will work out or not, may end up using the free-pay as you can lawyers around here. Dealing with this is so incredibly exhausting. I have not slept and have a very long day.
My girlfriend (where I've been living) has been watching our kids this summer. She has 4 kids of her own and our oldest were introduced when they were in diapers. They've always considered each other best friends.
AH agreed to this childcare agreement and has even been paying for it. He thought it was a good idea, my friend takes them to swim lessons, the movies, the library. They do crafts, play outside and have a good time. WIth them staying where I live during the day it gives me more access to them... I love this but AH made a comment that made it sound as if it were a negative thing. Like he's 3 years old and he's stomping his foot that I get to see them more. Whah!
Anyway said girlfriend has been out of town and unavailable for 2 weeks so I scheduled them to go to the back up babysitter. She's been watching them for years. Backup babysitter is someone that lives a ways away from both of us, but she's inexpensive and they know her. She takes good care of them.
AH has despised having to drive them to her house when he has them... he never minded when I did it EVERYDAY. When we were still married and it was my time he could have cared less. He sure never produced enough $ to send them somewhere closer.
Anyway backup babysitter texted me this AM. Said AH had removed kids from her care this morning after I dropped them off. Said that he was moving them to a new babysitter that was closer to his work and "more convenient" for him. A new babysitter that they don't know, that they have NEVER met.
He's been threatening this for months. He's decided that on the weeks he has them he will probably use this woman and on the off weeks I can do something different. He was paying for childcare and now he's indicating that he'll only do it the weeks he has them.
I am sooooo frustrated. I have given him what he wants, against my better judgement (NOT that I had a choice) I have agreed to try joint custody.
Doesn't he understand that moving the kids around at his whim, his convenience is NOT good for them? That it really is not about him?
I'm supposed to find out this week when he's leaving for 6-8 weeks for his Bone Marrow Transplant (he has cancer). I am planning to move back into my house since he will be several states away. Don't know how I'm going to feel emotionally moving back there, it's smelly and dirty. Am wondering what the kids will feel? How confusing it will be for them. However, I can't continue to live with my girlfriend and her family forever.
Am wondering what AH is going to try and do to stop me from moving back? I have every legal right to be there, but I'm trying to think strategically about this. What will he do?
We have pets that will need to be taken care of, he has yet to ask me to help. Wonder what he plans to do with them?
Have a consult with a new lawyer in a few days. Not sure if it will work out or not, may end up using the free-pay as you can lawyers around here. Dealing with this is so incredibly exhausting. I have not slept and have a very long day.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
Some questions...do you work? Have you started divorce proceedings? Getting started with the divorce will enable you to get some rules set. Obviously the shared custody, as you are doing it now, isn't working. Get some ground rules in place legally so you don't have this problem with him changing the rules. Quit worrying about what he might do. Take care of today and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Until you file for divorce and get temporary orders he can do what he pleases with the kids. No doubt he has already consulted an attorney and knows that. More than one person here has been blindsided by a court giving the A orders denying them full access to their kids and or home because the A lawyered up and got to court first.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: East Coast
Posts: 90
I filed for custody of the kids and support after I left him. He quickly lawyered up and filed for divorce. We are currently on our 4th court date which will occur sometime in Oct. A VERY long time to wait with everything that is hanging in the balance. We have no custody agreement until court.
Our last date was cancelled b/c of his "chemo treatment" which was a legit thing, but we'd had that date for months so don't tell me it couldn't have been adjusted to accommodate us going to court for a decision.
I think he purposely wants to put off going to court until Oct so he has more time to show what a great, involved daddy he is. This is all brand new of course, he put 90% of the parenting responsibilities on my shoulders when we were together and refused to do even the smallest things unless he felt like it.
Makes me crazy. Found out today that my oldest was accepted into a camp we really wants to go to... this would be his 3rd year attending. It's the same price as childcare and my girlfriend would get him there & home. It happens to fall on AH's week of custody and since now my kids are in a new daycare situation DS misses out. Breaks my heart for him that his father cares more about an easy drive time then DS going to a camp that he loves and would be really good for him.
Went to my house this am. I don't live there but have a key and full access since it has not been decided who will end up with the house in the end and I am on the loan. Every time I go I take my camera. Today found more empty liquor & wine bottles. He's taken to hiding them in the bottom of trash cans under the trash liner. Who does he think he's kidding?
Our last date was cancelled b/c of his "chemo treatment" which was a legit thing, but we'd had that date for months so don't tell me it couldn't have been adjusted to accommodate us going to court for a decision.
I think he purposely wants to put off going to court until Oct so he has more time to show what a great, involved daddy he is. This is all brand new of course, he put 90% of the parenting responsibilities on my shoulders when we were together and refused to do even the smallest things unless he felt like it.
Makes me crazy. Found out today that my oldest was accepted into a camp we really wants to go to... this would be his 3rd year attending. It's the same price as childcare and my girlfriend would get him there & home. It happens to fall on AH's week of custody and since now my kids are in a new daycare situation DS misses out. Breaks my heart for him that his father cares more about an easy drive time then DS going to a camp that he loves and would be really good for him.
Went to my house this am. I don't live there but have a key and full access since it has not been decided who will end up with the house in the end and I am on the loan. Every time I go I take my camera. Today found more empty liquor & wine bottles. He's taken to hiding them in the bottom of trash cans under the trash liner. Who does he think he's kidding?
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Seems to me like your AH doesn't give a crap about anyone else but himself. How surprising. I know you're currently trapped by the lack of custody agreement, but I would encourage you to document all this stuff. Also, I've never been a big fan of joint custody, for obvious reasons.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I have always believed that the push for joint custody comes from those in the system with a vision of dreamworld that defies reality.
Little things like "the actual facts" are considered secondary to the official perception.
How often have you heard the words, "I can't believe a father/mother would do that to their child", when God help us, they did do it.
God bless
Little things like "the actual facts" are considered secondary to the official perception.
How often have you heard the words, "I can't believe a father/mother would do that to their child", when God help us, they did do it.
God bless
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hugs, SheCanRun. I so completely get where you're at. I just started my divorce and related legal issues. Everything you've said sounds so familiar, especially this: I am just getting started in my process - only one court date done, one scheduled and one tentatively scheduled. My STBXAH and his lawyer have not yet responded to either the complaint for divorce or the motion for interim custody, so I'm still waiting to see what kind of fight he's going to stoop to.
I agree with Noday: document, document, document. Get a calendar, start making notes. I've got a lovely document in on a USB flash drive that is always with me that outlines each and every contact he's made, that I've made, that he's failed to respond to, of each failure to show, of each time our son tried to call him and got no answer and no call back, of each attempt of his to try to 'schedule' a visit with our son by texting the night before or the morning of the requested day, etc. The list will be continued for the forseeable future. (I've got a hard copy stashed at work - a secure building STBXAH can't get to - just in case.) I just wish I'd started it all much, much sooner.
Hang in there.
Originally Posted by SheCanRun 
I swear I though that leaving him would make him let go and leave me alone. Ummm not so much. Having children with an alcoholic ties them to you for the rest of your life. That's really sinking in right now.
I agree with Noday: document, document, document. Get a calendar, start making notes. I've got a lovely document in on a USB flash drive that is always with me that outlines each and every contact he's made, that I've made, that he's failed to respond to, of each failure to show, of each time our son tried to call him and got no answer and no call back, of each attempt of his to try to 'schedule' a visit with our son by texting the night before or the morning of the requested day, etc. The list will be continued for the forseeable future. (I've got a hard copy stashed at work - a secure building STBXAH can't get to - just in case.) I just wish I'd started it all much, much sooner.
Hang in there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: East Coast
Posts: 90
I am documenting... have been since the beginning. I have to say it was more hit and miss in the beginning but getting better everyday. I dislike this writing down every detail, I worry that I'll forget one day (and I'm sure I have) or I won't cover what's most important or... or.. or... anyway. I'm doing the best I can.
I need to make a hard copy tho, have not done that yet and thanks for the reminder. A cheap USB would be great for backup too... was thinking of getting an external hard drive but don't have a lot of extra $ right now.
I don't think I excel at this kinds of stuff... remembering, keeping up with the details, being organized in my life and my thoughts. Really I just want it to be over. It's the #1 reason (that & $) that I never left AH before I did. I KNEW, just knew this was going to be a nightmare. He'll fight to the death to win. He's trained to do it, former USMC officer. He's skilled and I doubt he's lost often. He's so angry for calling him out for being an A that he'd do anything to prove how right and good he is. Even if it's only in his f'ed up head.
Oh and to add insult to injury he's become "single" on FB and there at least 2 different women driving up and down our road & down to my house. At least once when my kids where there. That and the cards he's receiving from some woman telling him to hang in there and what a "good man he is." Reading that made me crazy.
He's so fabulous, made his family go without food on occasion while he continued to drink, made us go with out health insurance and the kids with out new clothes, shoes etc b/c he was too proud to get a second or better job. All the while he found money to buy alcohol.
I know... you've heard it all before. Thanks for hearing me, I actually feel like I might be getting better now that's I'm posting more and getting it out to a crowd that understands.
I need to make a hard copy tho, have not done that yet and thanks for the reminder. A cheap USB would be great for backup too... was thinking of getting an external hard drive but don't have a lot of extra $ right now.
I don't think I excel at this kinds of stuff... remembering, keeping up with the details, being organized in my life and my thoughts. Really I just want it to be over. It's the #1 reason (that & $) that I never left AH before I did. I KNEW, just knew this was going to be a nightmare. He'll fight to the death to win. He's trained to do it, former USMC officer. He's skilled and I doubt he's lost often. He's so angry for calling him out for being an A that he'd do anything to prove how right and good he is. Even if it's only in his f'ed up head.
Oh and to add insult to injury he's become "single" on FB and there at least 2 different women driving up and down our road & down to my house. At least once when my kids where there. That and the cards he's receiving from some woman telling him to hang in there and what a "good man he is." Reading that made me crazy.
He's so fabulous, made his family go without food on occasion while he continued to drink, made us go with out health insurance and the kids with out new clothes, shoes etc b/c he was too proud to get a second or better job. All the while he found money to buy alcohol.
I know... you've heard it all before. Thanks for hearing me, I actually feel like I might be getting better now that's I'm posting more and getting it out to a crowd that understands.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Make sure his FB comments are documented and all his "lady friends"actions as well, especially where your kids are present. If it were me I would take a card or 2 as well, after all this is (or was) your AH she is sending them to, and til divorce, "all my worldly goods" can be your excuse.
If you can recall those rotten times where drink got provided for him and no food for kids,...write it down, same for no clothes, insurance etc but booze aplenty for him.
This is the time that "fair play" is no use, and it is get down and dirty or lose.
God bless
If you can recall those rotten times where drink got provided for him and no food for kids,...write it down, same for no clothes, insurance etc but booze aplenty for him.
This is the time that "fair play" is no use, and it is get down and dirty or lose.
God bless
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