elbunn

Hi there. I'm new here. My father-in-law has been dealing with drug and sexual addiction for the past year. He went to treatment for 4 months, but was asked to leave before he was finished. He is now home again, and has relapsed and is using cocaine regularly. My mother-in-law is filing for divorce now and they are living seperately. He does not think he has a problem and refuses to go into treatment again.

My husbands brothers, sisters, and their spouses are going to participate in a conference call on Thursday with my mother-in-laws counselor as well as my father-in-laws couselor (although he hasn't been going to him regularly) to get some guidance for what steps to take next. Being supportive the past year has gotten us nothing but heartache.

Does anyone have any suggestions for questions to ask the therapists? I am sure they will give us their opinions, but they told us to be sure to come with the questions we may have. Any suggestions are appreciated!! Thank you.

Ann

Welcome to SR. I am sorry about your father-in-law and hope that this plan helps...but please know that if he isn't ready to stop he may walk out or he may agree with everyone then go about doing what he chooses. I really hope it goes better than that, and at least this may help the family to air their concerns.

Perhaps you all may benefit from meetings as well, Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have made a huge difference to many of us here. Maybe give them a try and see if they don't help you too.

Hugs

coffeedrinker

I too welcome you to SR. Being here is by far the most beneficial thing I have done for myself with regard to this addiction stuff.

I am perplexed. Just why is there going to be a conference call with counselors, and why is he going to participate in it? He did not complete his treatment, he does not wish to arrest his addictions, and he is losing his wife. What's the point of the call?

I don't mean to sound snotty, it just seems weird to me. One thing I know about people in addiction is that they are not truthful. Is the counselor conversation for your mother-in-law to give her direction? To lay the cards on the table with the father-in-law? One last-ditch attempt to get him to want to stop the drugs and other stuff? It seems like no matter what the answer is, it would be a fruitless conversation.....?

So in that context, I can't think of any questions. But I do think the best thing you can do, is decide how much of a relationship you want with father-in-law, and what you are not willing to tolerate - based on past behavior. Then draw a boundary. And go to Al-anon or Nar-anon. And invite your mother-in-law to go. She needs support and getting it outside the family as well as inside would be good.

Questions from you about the above -- we're here to help guide.

helpformyson

From what I read, it appears that the whole family is being sucked into the father-in-laws mire. If he is afraid that he is loosing his whole family because they want nothing to do with him until he seeks help, maybe that will be the catylist he needs. If everyone jumps in and gets involved with "his" problem, but he takes no initiative, it is a waste of time. He has to want it. We mean well when we try to get our addicts to do what is best, but by doing that we are trying to get them to do something they are not ready to do. If your father-in-law has no audiance and no participants, he will know that he is on his own to make the right decision and seek help.

sofacat

I had to sit in on a conference call with Mr Sofa's counselor in Rehab.

It was one of the most beneficial things for Me. She challenged Me to come up with a list of boundaries and also a list of ways in which his addiction affected Me.

No one had ever asked that of Me before....hell, I never asked that of Me before!

I searched to see if others had posted their boundaries online...I didn't know what I was supposed to do! But late at night, when I was quiet...I started to think about Me. Not Him....and the list just rolled right out.

When it came time for the "call"....I was nervous, didn't know what to expect... but in the end it was a great thing. He needed to hear it, and I needed to say it.

All I can say to you, is think of questions that pertain to you in all of this. Ask questions about detachment. How can you have a healthy relationship with Him, if you choose, without getting enmeshed in His and the family's issues. Keep the focus on you and the rest will come. No one can fix this man...

best to leave that to the professionals.

Kindeyes

A good therapist will guide you and your questions can be quite spontaneous....and that's ok too.

Welcome to SR. Addiction/alcoholism is a family disease......it is pervasive..... but family members can find recovery for themselves even if the addict/alcoholic does not.

gentle hugs

URMYEVERYTHING

First, I have my suspicions about a counselor doing anything over the phone. I say this because I am a therapist and would not do this at all. It's not ethical.

However, the purpose of the call may short and sweet and to say that they can no longer work with him and that they are terminating therapy due to him refusing to stop using at this time and to possibly give him referrals to detox, rehab, etc. It may also be that he's refusing to come in face to face and they have to do their obligation in making contact, make referrals and terminate therapy. I'm not clear as to why the other therapist (MIL) is getting involved though. Her filing for divorce is a seperate issue that should be discussed face to face with her and not with him over the phone.

The only question I would ask at this point, is why aren't we having this session in person? And, if the addict isn't going to come in for the meeting, then why can't it be done with him only on the phone to terminate (if that's the plan) due to his non-compliance??

Chino

I didn't read that FIL (father in law) would be participating, only that his counselor would?

Those are the best questions I can think of as well! If I were to ask any questions about him, it would be "what can we expect to see from him now." It won't be a pretty picture, but I'm a 'forewarned is forearmed' kind of person.

elbunn

Thank you all for your replies. They are all very helpful.

I'm sorry I wasn't very clear on our situation. My father in law will not be on the phone call. Neither will my mother in law. The "children" (there are 5 all with families...all of us over 35) all want to get some advice on what we should do in regards to him and his addiction. Being "supportive" the past year hasn't worked obviously. So, we are seeking advice from both counselors on the phone. Since there are 5 of us, we are living from Washington state to Montana, so a conference call seemed the best idea.

ElegantlyWasted

" Being supportive the past year has gotten us nothing but heartache. "
IMHO too many chefs in the kitchen. What is your plan to take care of you? Why are you under the same roof when this guy is drawing lines? I would not ask questions. would simply state that if he has drugs or draws lines in the house the police will be called. Sit back and let the bobble heads bobble. To a large extent, my guess is that it is your husbands show, maybe figure out what you can do as a team and where yu have an honest meeting of the minds