letgoofmyheart

Thank you all so much…I don’t even know you and you don’t know me but you have saved my life over and over again with your painful stories, your happy stories, with you leaving and going back… all the times you got strong then met another just like the one you left. All the stories are the same in one way or another. When I get weak I read your stories and it heals me like a magic pill. Reading your pain takes me back to the part of my brain that hurts me, the part of the brain that tries to hide childhood pain. Because of y’all I made it Six Months, six whole months, this was the best advise. I changed my phone numbers, and went into withdraws not hearing his sweet voice, this was and is so painful.. I miss him so much. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I stop loving him? Is it because he is my first love? A seventeen year old girl now 49 still can’t stop loving this very sick man. The thought of being with another man scares me, I’ve never loved another. I wrote y’all in January because he was losing his house and everything he owns and married an older woman that would take care of him. He chose to throw us away and continue drinking, after begging me back, I could not live his way as much as I loved him I am very head strong and would not give in until he stopped. He chose to move on. I know he must not have loved me or our boys because he chose to drink instead and moved on. Yes, I know he is no longer mine, he belongs to another, I also know he would come home if I asked him to as long as it is okay for him to drink but I would rather be alone than to live in that much pain. Can someone please help me understand why I can’t stop loving and missing him? Most women I know can just jump into another man’s arms and forget the man before that…. Why can’t I? It’s been three years, I want to love again but want my first love feeling. I can’t just make myself fall in love with any man that comes along but wish I could. My mother was able to do this. Do you think I really love my first love or do I love the pain he put me through, am I afraid of getting hurt again, could this be why I’m afraid to be with another man? I don’t believe in one night stands and this is what most men want. Sometimes I think maybe I should just let go just to see if that is how women move on, would this help me stop loving my childrens father? I pray and pray for God to bring me a good man that wants a woman that would never cheat. Are there really any good me that love and respect God? I want my ex husband but a sober one, I miss him so much. I even tell myself to “Get Over It”! “Move On”! Therapy does not work…Paxel, Wellbutrin, Prozac, Lexapro does not work (and does nothing for panic attacks) and makes me crave carbs which makes me gain weight (Ginko Biloba and St Johns Wart work better with no weight gain in my case anyway and they also don’t help with the panic attacks so one Xanax .25 helps at night, I deal with panic attacks during the day due to don’t want to drive and take meds). Keep in mind everybody is different I just haven’t found the magic pill and Wellbutrin made me agitated, not good to take unless someone can keep your children a few days during trial. Could I be in mourning? Will it take me 5 years to be able to handle the pain? Has anyone else loved so much they can’t even think of kissing or holding hands with another man? If so how long did it take you to move on? The one thing I love about y'all is your so honest so what ever you say makes me stronger so go ahead let me have it, I want to learn from you.

silkspin

Although I can't relate to your exact situation, I hear your pain and we are all here because of similar pain. All I can offer is that I don't believe we should have to stop loving them. Regardless of what happens, I will always love my husband because we have history and a daughter together. You can love him and still move on. Allow yourself to accept your feelings, I think that is key in being able to take the next steps. The other thing I can offer from my experience and guidance from those in my life is not to think and analyze too much. I have a tendency to 'catastrophize' - what if, how can I, what will happen....learning to let go and live one day at a time makes huge imposing thoughts like yours easier to handle, in smaller bits. Focus on taking one step at a time in taking care of yourself and try not to think too far ahead - that has a tendency to overwhelm. I hope that helps a bit.

Freedom1990

The 12 steps saved my life on more than one occasion.

Digging into AA, and later on, Alanon, were two of the best things I ever did for me.

BuffaloGal

Your story sounds familiar: I wouldn't give in until my now ex-husband stopped, either, and guess what-- he didn't. He is now living with an older woman whose primary focus in life appears to be taking care of him.

So, I have accepted that I still love this person and may well for as long as I live, but I decided that I was going to have a good life without him. And ya know... I do! I have fabulous, true friends (we were extremely isolated when we were married), I'm well on my way to a more interesting and better paying career. I have fulfilled lifelong creative ambitions-- my friends regularly ask me to sing, and some of them are semi professional musicians. (Contrast this to my ex husband who once told me that our daughter's musical ability must come from his brother!) My child is my favorite person in the world to spend time with, and I can hardly believe that such a marvelous little person came from me.

I don't dread being in my own home anymore and I don't have to tolerate any behavior from any adult that I don't want to. Even when I grieve for the marriage we could have had (which happens almost every day) I know that I would not have been able to spend a lifetime with someone who put their addictions before our relationship... and I know he wasn't strong enough to change that about himself.

So if you can't get over it, don't beat yourself up about it. It is possible to just set the pain aside and live your life, instead of trying to make it go away, if that makes sense.

transformyself

my GOD BG thank you for posting this. Acceptance of your situation, acceptance that this is not a relationship you can or should endure coupled with acknowledging you still care for him.

I hadn't thought about it this way. Just be sad, feel those feelings and keep doing the right thing. Eventually-it'll work itself out and you won't be in this insane situation with an alcoholic anymore.

letgoofmyheart

Thank y'all for listening and your advise

naive

letgoofmyheart-

have you tried the 12 steps of alanon? that's the magic pill, really. you don't have to do them in an alanon group. i did mine myself, with a notebook at home.

on a practical level and a holistic level, i personally have found that my emotional well-being is tied to my diet, amongst other things. i make and drink a green juice every morning that i make from lots of green vegetables in my juicer, combined with a few fruit to sweeten it. for example, today's juice has a bunches of parsley, red kale, rhubarb, sweet peas, a lemon and 2 pears. if you dont' have a juicer, you can make a green smoothie with a blender with, say, a bag of spinach and two bananas and some strawberries.

i have only just discovered that drinking green juice everyday eases depression, apathy and anxiety. my moods are much calmer and peaceful and i'm full of new energy.

from a practical level and a holistic level, i also have discovered that simple yoga centers me and brings me into the present. this is very helpful, to be in the present. this means not dwelling on the past nor fearing into the future which hasn't yet happened.

yoga is of benefit because of the breathe work. it does not have to be strenuous. even 10 minutes a day will yield tangible results.

lastly (or firstly!) is prayer and efforts to communicate with your HP. the magic pill of surrender!

so, four magic pills from me to ease your pain: the 12 steps, fresh green juice, yoga and prayer.