what's stopping me? What's stopping so many of us?
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
what's stopping me? What's stopping so many of us?
This is just a vomited out rant before making jelly with the boys, but I need to get it out of my HEAD!
I have some lingering fear about taking final steps in divorce, in clear constant boundaries with AH. He ALWAYS is so ******* passive aggressive-I KNOW he will come around in a month or so and want to work things out. Dangle hope in front of me.
I took it this last time. Swallowed it hook line and sinker. But of course, when I ask him to do something that is meaningful, when I need help and support from him, he withdraws, gets hostile and blames me for **** that makes no sense. I totally bought into that again too because I didn't have clear boundaries with him.
What's keeping me hooked in is the fantasy of family. That's at least one big thing.
But I know myself and know if I set my mind to it, I can be 150% happy alone with my kids. I feel I'm under a spell, ate the poisened fruit. I can see through the looking glass at my old self, but am still too deluded to reach through it.
Yesterday, when pressured by me, AH told me:
We don't connect in any way unless it's sexual.
He would be perfectly happy just sleeping with me every now and then but not having a relationship
He doesn't respect what I do for a living, thinks my lifestyle is unacceptable (of course before we seperated and I was only freelancing and making little money he was pissed about that as well. Now that I own a freaking newspaper and have huge responsibilities with it he's found other ways to criticize me)
he says there si something wrong with me for not wanting to be friends, that I'm an "all or nothing" person because I reject his friendship.
Also said, I'm not going to say one way or the other if we should end this, but please tell me if you start dating someone else.
That's the line that has me furious today. He won't say what's really going on, but wants me to .
I want to call him, tell him there's no fuckig way I'm having anything to do with him, OR tell him jack **** if I start dating. He doesn't get to dictate anything to me anymore.
My mind keeps going to the past-when he came to me in May and quacked his way back into my life with promisses that he could finally do waht I needed to help me heal from the affair and put a stop to our going back and forth. I was fine then. I was happy.
Do me a favor and really think through your answers before hitting send. I know nothing changes until I've had enough. I know I've brought this on myself. I am being triggered by abandonment ******* issues and am furious with myself for being here again and pat answers that overstate the obvious aren't necessary. i need to dig into my soul and find the "trick" to actually letting go of this ridiculousness and insanity.
Here's the thing- I want to tell him to get and stay away from me, but know that that will just be a continuation of the madness. He invited me to his place to have cake on Wednesday for my birthday, sorry I do not want to play like evrything is ok.
Ah, I'm so pissed that I'm wasting my time on this. I'm suppose to be packing to move! I have a fantastic life waiting for me!@!! Grrr....
I have some lingering fear about taking final steps in divorce, in clear constant boundaries with AH. He ALWAYS is so ******* passive aggressive-I KNOW he will come around in a month or so and want to work things out. Dangle hope in front of me.
I took it this last time. Swallowed it hook line and sinker. But of course, when I ask him to do something that is meaningful, when I need help and support from him, he withdraws, gets hostile and blames me for **** that makes no sense. I totally bought into that again too because I didn't have clear boundaries with him.
What's keeping me hooked in is the fantasy of family. That's at least one big thing.
But I know myself and know if I set my mind to it, I can be 150% happy alone with my kids. I feel I'm under a spell, ate the poisened fruit. I can see through the looking glass at my old self, but am still too deluded to reach through it.
Yesterday, when pressured by me, AH told me:
We don't connect in any way unless it's sexual.
He would be perfectly happy just sleeping with me every now and then but not having a relationship
He doesn't respect what I do for a living, thinks my lifestyle is unacceptable (of course before we seperated and I was only freelancing and making little money he was pissed about that as well. Now that I own a freaking newspaper and have huge responsibilities with it he's found other ways to criticize me)
he says there si something wrong with me for not wanting to be friends, that I'm an "all or nothing" person because I reject his friendship.
Also said, I'm not going to say one way or the other if we should end this, but please tell me if you start dating someone else.
That's the line that has me furious today. He won't say what's really going on, but wants me to .
I want to call him, tell him there's no fuckig way I'm having anything to do with him, OR tell him jack **** if I start dating. He doesn't get to dictate anything to me anymore.
My mind keeps going to the past-when he came to me in May and quacked his way back into my life with promisses that he could finally do waht I needed to help me heal from the affair and put a stop to our going back and forth. I was fine then. I was happy.
Do me a favor and really think through your answers before hitting send. I know nothing changes until I've had enough. I know I've brought this on myself. I am being triggered by abandonment ******* issues and am furious with myself for being here again and pat answers that overstate the obvious aren't necessary. i need to dig into my soul and find the "trick" to actually letting go of this ridiculousness and insanity.
Here's the thing- I want to tell him to get and stay away from me, but know that that will just be a continuation of the madness. He invited me to his place to have cake on Wednesday for my birthday, sorry I do not want to play like evrything is ok.
Ah, I'm so pissed that I'm wasting my time on this. I'm suppose to be packing to move! I have a fantastic life waiting for me!@!! Grrr....
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
what's stopping me? What's stopping so many of us?
1. Believing that the answer was attaining the American Dream.
2. Drinking.
3. Feeling sorry for myself for not having the parents or the family-of-origin that I wanted and thought everyone else had.
4. Clinical depression.
5. Hanging out with people who were active users, active drinkers, active partiers, and did not have "good" morals.
6. Not working on my education and therefore, my income-producing potential.
7. My anger.
8. My cognitive limitations.
9. Expecting the other person to change, be different, fix the problem, adjust, accomodate, etc.
10. Thinking I was "right."
11. Looking for and assigning blame.
12. Not having God as my Higher Power.
These things STOPPED stopping me each time I listened to what others had to say (even when it HURT LIKE HELL TO BELIEVE them) and I searched for a way to think, act, and behave differently. IMO, there is a way around EVERYTHING; you just have to want it bad enough. Me? I NEVER want to live in poverty again AND I ALWAYS want my life to be just a little less painful; so I have always been willing to do the work it takes.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Just cleaning the kitchen and paying attention to my kids makes me feel much better.
Yes, I know I'm not done. Gotta dig out the why to couple with the how and make it happen in the moment.
thanks for the list L2L, it's great.
I think, quite simply put, it's just an old habit. The whole dance. Habit.
Thankfully, I also have been developing another habit-engaging in my life while taking the focus of him. Yes, I go back and forth, but the power of this other habit is still strong. Just 20 minutes after forcing myself to stop obsessing about (SORRY AUTOMATIC THINGY DIDN'T EDIT OUT SWEAR WORD HERE) and I"m feeling much better.
Seeing him today when he picks up the kids will be hard-because I want to tell him to **** off. Back to the 180 and NC. And don't worry about the future or the past. Just stay in the moment, make the damn jelly, go to yoga, keep packing.
Yes, I know I'm not done. Gotta dig out the why to couple with the how and make it happen in the moment.
thanks for the list L2L, it's great.
I think, quite simply put, it's just an old habit. The whole dance. Habit.
Thankfully, I also have been developing another habit-engaging in my life while taking the focus of him. Yes, I go back and forth, but the power of this other habit is still strong. Just 20 minutes after forcing myself to stop obsessing about (SORRY AUTOMATIC THINGY DIDN'T EDIT OUT SWEAR WORD HERE) and I"m feeling much better.
Seeing him today when he picks up the kids will be hard-because I want to tell him to **** off. Back to the 180 and NC. And don't worry about the future or the past. Just stay in the moment, make the damn jelly, go to yoga, keep packing.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Can I add:
I have a man courting me, he's got everything I've been wanting--traditional Indian -Apache,he's older, has money and is very clear that he wants to date me but is also very very respectful. I've known him for years. I've told him there's no way I'm ready to date and he's totally cool with it. (N'de folks are matrilineal and in their culture the women are respected and set the tone for when they want to do what and how.)
I think it's the contrast that's tugging at my stupid emotions. "Why oh why can't AH be like that?" With limp wrist to the forehead action. God I make myself sick...
I have a man courting me, he's got everything I've been wanting--traditional Indian -Apache,he's older, has money and is very clear that he wants to date me but is also very very respectful. I've known him for years. I've told him there's no way I'm ready to date and he's totally cool with it. (N'de folks are matrilineal and in their culture the women are respected and set the tone for when they want to do what and how.)
I think it's the contrast that's tugging at my stupid emotions. "Why oh why can't AH be like that?" With limp wrist to the forehead action. God I make myself sick...
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
While I think it's a bad idea to go straight from one relationship to another, the fact that you won't end things with your current husband is keeping you from anything better that might be out there. That said, I strongly believe that until we are complete and healthy ourselves, we don't have much to offer someone else in a relationship.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
yes, I know that. My sisters, yes. My children, yes. My HP, yes. Rather, engaging with my sisters, taking care of my children, and calling on my HP, those things fill out my life and make it right.
One of my Elders tells me: Everyone is trying to avoid being alone. You can't. We come into this world alone, we go out alone, and we are sometimes in the presence of others.
May sound dark, but it's very true because paradoxically, we are all interconnected and never alone.
The Apache man is not an issue, really, I'm just realizing that his attention is making AH's idiocy more clear.
One of my Elders tells me: Everyone is trying to avoid being alone. You can't. We come into this world alone, we go out alone, and we are sometimes in the presence of others.
May sound dark, but it's very true because paradoxically, we are all interconnected and never alone.
The Apache man is not an issue, really, I'm just realizing that his attention is making AH's idiocy more clear.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Ah, ok, sorry let me rephrase that-
The guy courting me has, upon initial screening, met all of the criteria for dating me. IF I were ready to date.
I"m not a princess in waiting for some guy to make everything all right kind of girl. Seriously.
And no, not at the present moment I am not everything I've wanted to be. But I'm working on it, have come a long way and will be right back in happy land with some distance from AH. God, do I want to swear right now.
The guy courting me has, upon initial screening, met all of the criteria for dating me. IF I were ready to date.
I"m not a princess in waiting for some guy to make everything all right kind of girl. Seriously.
And no, not at the present moment I am not everything I've wanted to be. But I'm working on it, have come a long way and will be right back in happy land with some distance from AH. God, do I want to swear right now.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say what I've been thinking for a while. I think you still want things to work out with your husband. For whatever reason. You still want him to be someone he isn't. Until you truly realize that he is never going to be the person you want him to be, you will keep falling for the BS. Like I said earlier, you simply aren't yet done.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I think you still want things to work out with your husband. For whatever reason. You still want him to be someone he isn't. Until you truly realize that he is never going to be the person you want him to be, you will keep falling for the BS.
Why do I/we go back again and again when I've seen with my own eyes how much happier I can be without him. When it inevitably comes back to me being let down, disappointed and him "changing his mind," once again. Addiction?
At least I'm not chasing him anymore. Not outwardly. And at least I'm processing and trying to understand why I work the way I do.
My sister says it's just because we've been together for so long. That's part of it.
I know my jacked up childhood has tons to do with it, but I don't blame that either. I still need to make choices in the now.
Denial. Wanting to believe he's changed-just because he tells me he has and can look like he has for a little while. Until I really need him that is, then he's back to being the alcoholic we all know and I shouldn't be surprised.
I am feeling better. Hangin with the kids, getting ready to make the jam or jelly or whatever it is. I"m a domestic nightmare so this should be interesting.
One note: I spent the last week driving across the state distributing my newspaper cause the person who agreed to do it bailed. It was an amazing experience, one that created a reaction of criticism and anger from AH. What a d1ck. What a selfish, threatened king baby. He even told me he's angry because I'm out working so much. Funny. He was angry before when I was home and didn't work so much because you wanted me to make more money.
It's all a
I've often seen the "which is this? the A or the other person I love?" question posed here and yesterday I saw the real AH. And I believe when he comes to me promising me the moon, that is also him.
Fact is, he is pickled. No matter how well he cleans up, he's freaking pickled. AND here's a really important part- he packs down resentment until he's acting out like a child.
Oh, that's a great idea. Make a realistic list. I will tonight, when the kdis are gone.
So, back to my life I go. Maybe I can beg my therapist to treat me for free. I"m broke and had to stop going. Al anon will help, I'll try to get to some meetings too.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
And it all boils down to...you are not yet done. When you finally reach the point of being done with him, nothing he says or does will stop you from getting free of him. Until then, you will continue to go back and forth and will continue to be angry and frustrated. Al-anon would be a huge help for you and it is free.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Suki, we're having a parallel conversation. I know these things, and have been in a place of "being done," before, but continue to pick it up where we left off. I guess this isn't the place to sort this out, but I appreciate the feedback.
I feel a need to understand why I keep going back and "because you're not done," isn't the answer I'm looking for. I have to prevent it from happening again. Work though that stuff.
For now I'll follow Mike's advice. Just stay clean for today. Right now.
I feel a need to understand why I keep going back and "because you're not done," isn't the answer I'm looking for. I have to prevent it from happening again. Work though that stuff.
For now I'll follow Mike's advice. Just stay clean for today. Right now.
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