Off Topic...But what the heck happened to compassion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 49
Off Topic...But what the heck happened to compassion
We lost our beloved daughter Cassandra aka Sonji on the 19th of June to an apparent Methadone and Xanax overdose. We wont know for sure for another 6 to 8 weeks until the tox screen gets back to the ME. She had gotten out of jail on the 17th and the prescriptions were in her name but had been prescribed in February prior to her going to jail.
Both Cassandra and her brother are adopted. Their bio mom is my cousin and we were the kids god-parents. My cousin lost her children due to her own meth and alcohol problems 13 years ago. My cousin is still not in a great place personally, fiance is in jail, still working the streets and going in and out of jail. The last time she saw Cassandra was in jail a few weeks before she died but got to touch her, hug her and talk to her face to face. This was a reality we were denied, the last time we saw Cassandra was behind glass and had to talk to her on a phone. Yes, I am envious, but that is not what I am angry about.
So, the first person I thought of and then called when we heard Cassandra had died was Connie. Of course, she was freaking out and unbelieving. Over the next three weeks that it took us to claim her body, arrange her cremation and memorial services, we involved her in every detail. We talked to her or saw her daily. We discussed music, services and prayers and make sure that nothing is missed. Cassandra always worried about her bio mom, her brother not so much. But he was respectful and polite to her during all of this.
At Cassandra's funeral mass and memorial service the following day, there were quite a few people that were down right rude to her. Someone asked her why she was there? Another person said something to the effect that you aren't her mom any more. WTF? I'm just sick over how ugly people can be. I just don't understand...
Both Cassandra and her brother are adopted. Their bio mom is my cousin and we were the kids god-parents. My cousin lost her children due to her own meth and alcohol problems 13 years ago. My cousin is still not in a great place personally, fiance is in jail, still working the streets and going in and out of jail. The last time she saw Cassandra was in jail a few weeks before she died but got to touch her, hug her and talk to her face to face. This was a reality we were denied, the last time we saw Cassandra was behind glass and had to talk to her on a phone. Yes, I am envious, but that is not what I am angry about.
So, the first person I thought of and then called when we heard Cassandra had died was Connie. Of course, she was freaking out and unbelieving. Over the next three weeks that it took us to claim her body, arrange her cremation and memorial services, we involved her in every detail. We talked to her or saw her daily. We discussed music, services and prayers and make sure that nothing is missed. Cassandra always worried about her bio mom, her brother not so much. But he was respectful and polite to her during all of this.
At Cassandra's funeral mass and memorial service the following day, there were quite a few people that were down right rude to her. Someone asked her why she was there? Another person said something to the effect that you aren't her mom any more. WTF? I'm just sick over how ugly people can be. I just don't understand...
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
Some people who can be so rude during such a trying time have absolutely no right to pry or judge...but they do anyway, and that's a shame. I wish I could understand what makes some people do the things they do...
Sending you my most sincere condolences for your loss...is that her in the picture? What a beautiful girl. Your family is in my thoughts.
Sending you my most sincere condolences for your loss...is that her in the picture? What a beautiful girl. Your family is in my thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm so sorry you've had to experience this. Some people just don't understand addiction and are in the frame of mind that "you gave up your daughter for drugs, you have no rights".
As an A (myself) and someone who has loved ones who are addicts, we know there are 2 sides to every story.
You and her bio-mom deserve the right to grieve. I'm guessing that is her picture in your avatar and she was gorgeous. Her life wasn't just about addiction...I know there was more to her than that.
You have my greatest hugs and prayers!
Amy
As an A (myself) and someone who has loved ones who are addicts, we know there are 2 sides to every story.
You and her bio-mom deserve the right to grieve. I'm guessing that is her picture in your avatar and she was gorgeous. Her life wasn't just about addiction...I know there was more to her than that.
You have my greatest hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
I'm so sorry for your loss.
It's sad when people forget why they are where they are.... a funeral is supposed to be a way of honoring the deceased and supporting the family, and unfortunately we are in a day and age where some people just have no manners or, like you said, compassion.
It's sad when people forget why they are where they are.... a funeral is supposed to be a way of honoring the deceased and supporting the family, and unfortunately we are in a day and age where some people just have no manners or, like you said, compassion.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
So many people are fearful and insecure, besides downright antisocial 
I'm so sorry your family had to experience that while grieving. My thoughts and prayers remain with you and yours, and that the Creator blesses all of you with what you need.
I'm so sorry your family had to experience that while grieving. My thoughts and prayers remain with you and yours, and that the Creator blesses all of you with what you need.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Grief can put emotions off balance, especially the untimely loss of a lovely girl to the horrible disease of addiction. They want someone to blame, or someone to take out their anger on, or they just say things that are unkind without thinking.
It doesn't excuse their behaviour, but it explains it a little.
And some people are just jerks whether they grieve or not.
What matters is that she was loved, by you, by her birth mother, and by many. Please don't let a few jerks rob you of that knowledge.
Big hugs, you've been through a lot. Keeping all who loved her in my prayers today.
It doesn't excuse their behaviour, but it explains it a little.
And some people are just jerks whether they grieve or not.
What matters is that she was loved, by you, by her birth mother, and by many. Please don't let a few jerks rob you of that knowledge.
Big hugs, you've been through a lot. Keeping all who loved her in my prayers today.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
I'm so sorry for your loss. I couldn't even imagine. Some people just don't understand and grieve in all types of ways. Some grief comes out in anger rather than crying or sadness. I know that when my best friend's brother committed suicide most of us were sad and tearful while his brother (own flesh and blood) was very angry. He didn't come to the funeral and to this day remains angry.
I look at people like that dealing with their own emotions on their own time and that I shouldn't pass judgement on them for coping in the only way they know how. Their interactions will only have to be dealt by them and themselves.
Again, sorry for your loss.
I look at people like that dealing with their own emotions on their own time and that I shouldn't pass judgement on them for coping in the only way they know how. Their interactions will only have to be dealt by them and themselves.
Again, sorry for your loss.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I'm sorry that others found it necessary to speak when it would have been best to keep their mouths closed.
I'm sending heartfelt hugs and prayerrs for you and your family. And add a prayers for those who acted so inappropriatly that they never ever have to face the same grief.
(((Hugs)))
I'm sending heartfelt hugs and prayerrs for you and your family. And add a prayers for those who acted so inappropriatly that they never ever have to face the same grief.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
What happened to compassion? From your description, you demonstrated great compassion, even during a time of personal grieving, and that is what truly counts. You can't be responsible for the behavior of others.....not Cassandra's birth mother, and certainly not the attendees at the memorial service. I'm sure that they felt in some way that their feelings were justified. It's a shame that didn't remember the old adage "if you can't say something nice......"
You could have chosen to be as bitter (or more so) than those people with regard to Cassandra's birth mother. But you chose to understand her grief and include her in the planning of the memorial service for the child she birthed. If that isn't a beautiful act of compassion, I don't know what is.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so very sorry for your loss. It is a scenario that all parents of addicts fear. You handled yourself with such grace and dignity at a very difficult time. Cassandra was so very lucky to have you.
gentle hugs to you as your grieve the loss of your dear daughter.
You could have chosen to be as bitter (or more so) than those people with regard to Cassandra's birth mother. But you chose to understand her grief and include her in the planning of the memorial service for the child she birthed. If that isn't a beautiful act of compassion, I don't know what is.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so very sorry for your loss. It is a scenario that all parents of addicts fear. You handled yourself with such grace and dignity at a very difficult time. Cassandra was so very lucky to have you.
gentle hugs to you as your grieve the loss of your dear daughter.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 49
Yes, my avatar is our lovely Cassandra. Thanks for all the comments and prayers, they are truly appreciated.
Yeah, some people are just jerks. While I have my own issues with my cousin this is not the time to deal with them and I guess I expected everyone to see it the same way. The cool part was that all of Cassandra's old friends were all very kind to her.
We got the nicest sympathy card from her, that thanked us for taking care of her and for taking care of the kids when she couldn't. She showed more class than a lot of others.
On the plus side she has started going to NA meetings again and enrolled herself in an outpatient treatment program.
Yeah, some people are just jerks. While I have my own issues with my cousin this is not the time to deal with them and I guess I expected everyone to see it the same way. The cool part was that all of Cassandra's old friends were all very kind to her.
We got the nicest sympathy card from her, that thanked us for taking care of her and for taking care of the kids when she couldn't. She showed more class than a lot of others.
On the plus side she has started going to NA meetings again and enrolled herself in an outpatient treatment program.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
I am so sorry for your loss. It is so sad when people add unnecessary hurt to an already unbearable situation. My prayers are with all of you as you grieve your precious loved one. God bless.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
My thoughts and prayers are with you... I lost my ABF two weeks ago and numb to what some people say and do myself... I've tried to turn it around and look at it as a gift. I've at times fallen so deep in my grief and someone say the dumbest thing, and then all of a sudden I stop falling and say, "WTF". (I never curse, but can't find a better choice of words.) It kind of makes me stop falling for a moment because I become shocked... I look at it as my higher powers only way to keep me from falling deeper... and at that moment it's the only thing that stops me dead in my tracks for now... did that make any sense?
I will say a very special prayer for you tonight.
I will say a very special prayer for you tonight.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Somewhere in Georgia
Posts: 11
If that is her in the picture, she was a very beautiful girl. I am so sorry for your loss. That is my greatest fear to be honest. That i have detached from my addict and he will end up in jail forever or die and his daughter never see him again. When i do see him, he is always high or drunk and i always think that this could be the last times that we ever see him.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
What happened to compassion? From your description, you demonstrated great compassion, even during a time of personal grieving, and that is what truly counts. You can't be responsible for the behavior of others.....not Cassandra's birth mother, and certainly not the attendees at the memorial service. I'm sure that they felt in some way that their feelings were justified. It's a shame that didn't remember the old adage "if you can't say something nice......"
You could have chosen to be as bitter (or more so) than those people with regard to Cassandra's birth mother. But you chose to understand her grief and include her in the planning of the memorial service for the child she birthed. If that isn't a beautiful act of compassion, I don't know what is.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so very sorry for your loss. It is a scenario that all parents of addicts fear. You handled yourself with such grace and dignity at a very difficult time. Cassandra was so very lucky to have you.
gentle hugs to you as your grieve the loss of your dear daughter.
You could have chosen to be as bitter (or more so) than those people with regard to Cassandra's birth mother. But you chose to understand her grief and include her in the planning of the memorial service for the child she birthed. If that isn't a beautiful act of compassion, I don't know what is.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so very sorry for your loss. It is a scenario that all parents of addicts fear. You handled yourself with such grace and dignity at a very difficult time. Cassandra was so very lucky to have you.
gentle hugs to you as your grieve the loss of your dear daughter.
Gotahavfaith
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. My prayers and good thoughts go out to you and all who loved her. I'm sorry too for all those inconsiderate people. I'm certain your compassion has made a much greater impact on your cousin and she will always remember your kindness during such trying times. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
I'm sorry for your loss and that you were exposed to such crude remarks during this time of grief.
Cassandra was blessed to have you in her life.
I'm sending prayers for an extra measure of comfort, peace & strength for you and your family.
Cassandra was blessed to have you in her life.
I'm sending prayers for an extra measure of comfort, peace & strength for you and your family.
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