angrywife

My husband is an alcoholic, and has been a daily drinker for many years. Back in March, I had just had enough of everything and packed up myself and my kids and went to a hotel for a few days. I don't have any family I can stay with or anything so that was my only option. Husband stays home, drinks pretty much nonstop, finally decides to check himself into rehab. He checked into a short term acute facility, but decided on his own to go to a longer term place.

So 2.5 months later he comes home, no meetings, no sponsor, nothing. He lasts about a month and he's drinking again. I saw it coming a mile away. All the while, I am going to Alanon meetings, talking to my sponsor, reading, etc.

I suspect that he thought if he quit drinking, the rest of us would change and adjust to his desires so that he wouldn't want to drink. Ever since the relapse, I have asked a few times about getting back on the wagon, and his response is "what are you going to do?". My only reply has been "your recovery can't depend on my actions".

So finally Friday, everything hits the fan. I confronted him on the fact that his disease is so severe that he would rather put someone in danger than give up his drinking money. Of course he would not admit this, and finally he shot back with a comment about our "loveless marriage". I've been avoiding him since then, yesterday I spent the entire day at my office, today I took the kids swimming all day. He was sober today though (our city doesn't sell liquor on Sunday), so I texted him from the pool with this:

Me: Please stop playing headgames with me. If you don't love me, you are free to leave with no strings attached, you can take whatever you want. I don't want to give you a reason to say that you are being forced to stay.

Him: I don't know how you will react. I am very unhappy and scared.

Me: I haven't reacted to anything, I've been trying to stay out of the house as much as possible.

Him: Exactly.

Me: I don't want to be in the same house anymore than I have to with someone who doesn't feel the same about me as I do for them. It's just my way of protecting my emotions. I'm not taking anything from you by not being there, you have the car.

Him: You don't love me. You just want me like you want the dog or the fish. I don't even care if you do at this point because you don't show it. You've made it so difficult for me to leave this marriage at this point I feel like suicide is my only way out.

Me: I haven't made anything difficult, you are making it difficult in your own head. And you don't have the right to tell me how I feel. I need my sanity intact, so I will stay away from the house as much as possible until you are moved out.

Him: Good.

Me: So, you are moving out on Thursday right?

Him: Leave me alone.

Me: I will. I just want to let you know though that if you don't move out on your payday, we will move out on mine. It would be nice if you would let me know for sure though, so I can start gathering boxes if I need to.

Him: Phone off now.

We went home an hour or so later, and he started talking to me about cell phones, and then wanted to eat dinner and watch TV with me.

I completely meant what I said, about moving out. At this point, I don't care what I lose, whatever, I just want my sanity and serenity. I want a quiet family life with my kids without alcohol. I have a good career, it will be difficult but not impossible to rebuild.

I am sick of the drinking, the immaturity, manipulation, games, lies. I've just had enough. My self esteem has been pretty much zero until Alanon. He is unhappy, but it's not my fault. He's going to have to find his own happiness, and I am not going to sit around and let him blame me for his misery in the mean time.

Impurrfect

(((Angrywife))) - good for you!! I often find it takes anger, or just "having had enough" to propel ME into motion. I spent decades trying to get someone ELSE to do something and once I got here, I realized it was up to me to make the changes in me.

I'm sorry you and the kids are going through this, but stay strong. You DO deserve serenity and peace of mind, as do your kids.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

transformyself

I'm curious-is this transcribed text conversation fairly representational of most conversations you have with your AH?

My AH is getting more and more bizarre as well. As long as I am trying to make sense or sanity of what he says to me I"m in a tornado of confusion.

Thanks for posting and please keep us updated.

angrywife

Transform- this one is actually pretty different, because I am not accepting blame for any of his unhappiness. I used to do that all the time. He doesn't know how to react.

LexieCat

One of the things I learned in Al-Anon, that I really took to heart, was not to make threats I am not prepared to carry out. (Not that saying you and the kids are leaving is a "threat," but it will be taken that way UNLESS it is a statement of fact.)

I feel for you--I felt that calm, cold sense of finality come over me the day I made up my mind to leave. I moved out the day after I told him I would. I went to a motel for a week to pull myself together and find a place to live.

You sound very strong and sane, though. Good luck, it isn't easy, but you have to do what you have to do.

I suggest that you start pulling together any paperwork you need, in the meantime. I moved some stuff I absolutely needed over to a friend's house.

BTW, the suicide threat is a cheap shot. If he makes it again, tell him you don't want him to hurt himself, and how to find the suicide hotline.

Starburst

Hi AW i didnt want to hijack your thread was just about to start my own like this, My AH was sober for 8 years, fell off the wagon 3 years ago, confronted him last year, said he would stop, didnt, carried on sneaky drinking. He has a temper on him and did some trashing of our house beginning of the year, went home and picked up the pieces. I have known my H since i was 15, so this is very hard foor me. We have always been joined by the hip, until the drinking started. Yesterday, i was at church, he sent me voicemail after voicemail, told me very rudlely to leave and not come back, i was in hysterical shock! i sent my 2 kids off for a playdate, went home, house more than trashed, today he still hasnt cleaned it, too busy feeling sorry for himself. I packed some of our goods, called my mom (as i have no car, or a job) loaded into the car and left, he was passed out at this time. When he did wake up at 2pm called me to ask where i am. He renounced HP as well, and blames me for walking out, I left him, he doesnt stop calling or leaving messages. Last i saw he took a whole box of Comprals and booze, I hope he doesnt commit suicide, although he is adamant he will. This tough love is a bitch, the wife in me just cries and wants to run back and hold his hand! The other side says i cant help him, what do i do?

Jazzman

I'm of the opinion that during a marriage split up the kids life is turned upside down enough that keeping them in the familiar home is much better than moving them to a new home in addition to what they are already going through. If him leaving is an option it might be better for the kids.

Thumper

I'll agree with Jazz. I had to move for finanical reasons. I think at the time, the move was harder and caused them much more anxiety then the divorce although certainly now, after some time has past, they are adjusted to the move and still struggle a great deal with the divorce.

I was in your spot for a long time too. You sound grounded and I'm glad you have al-anon. Wishing you the best.

Still Waters

Starburst: You do what you need to do for YOU. He's a big boy, let him handle his own mess.

Learn2Live

I agree that we can use our anger in positive ways to propel us forward, or motivate ourselves to do things we need to do to protect ourselves or better our lives. I have learned also that showing my anger towards other people, especially alcoholics and addicts, can be very destructive and makes me feel bad about myself. I hope you are well today.

Starburst

Yes L2L I agree with that, i always try to keep my focus and not dwell on what the A is doing, but this time he went to far, i went away for a few days to get some reality into the situation, i think he is coming round, he had a big shock! He is Day 1 today and really battling, all alone!

HoopNinja

I also agree with Jazz. stbxah would never leave the house so I took the kids and went to a hotel for a week. At that point I knew I was done and was filing for divorce. So when the temp. hearing was held I got the house so the kids could go back home. stbxah got to be there from 9-5 everyday (because he is self-employed-if you want to call getting stoned all day employed).

That conversation--as I read his responses I thought-sounds just like someone else I know. Complete with the loveless marriage and saying he might as well commit suicide since all I really wanted was his money anyway. Money, what money?

Good for you for setting your boundaries and working on yourself. I think he gets the biggest quack award (at least for today).

DMC

When mine went back to rehab the second time, I made it clear that we would be separating. (He was "getting sober" so he could visit his parents.)

I remember him also making the suicide comment... except his was more like "I have no way out... I might as well..." We were lying in bed, I was exhausted after a long day at work, and I was pretty fed up with the BS by then. And annoyed that he was keeping me awake. Even though you aren't supposed to do it, I called him out on it, in a "how dare you use a suicide threat to manipulate me" sort of way. He never mentioned it again.

I too felt that cold calmness that LexiCat described - and I packed up as much of his stuff as I could and shipped it to his parents along with his car. When he said he wanted to come back for a "couple of days" I told him that there was nothing here for him, and booked him a plane ticket directly to their state.

I am rebuilding, divorcing, and will be paying alimony for the foreseeable future. But I have my peace and my sanity, and it is SO worth it.

Be strong.
D

ChrrisT

Move out! No conversation needed!

If he is threatening suicide, there is nothing he won't say to screw with your head. That's got to be the worse, aside from homicide.

Stay strong and separate if not for yourself (right now) do it for your kids. :ghug3

angrywife

Yeah, I am most definitely not going to try and have a conversation with him anymore. He is irrational and manipulative, won't give me any straight answers, and is all around acting like a child.

I spoke with my sponsor last night, and will continue to do so. He loves to push buttons and it's taking everything I have not to fall for it.

ElegantlyWasted

Instead of Me: "Please stop playing headgames with me. " How 'bout "Your head games will not be tolerated because (fill in blank). Your continued use will result in (fill in blank). End of conversation. ? Just an idea. Worked on me eventually. I've come to believe that to most active addicts "love" means "easily manipulated" unless well qualified.

ChrrisT

Interesting characteristics, I prefer dark eyes and good sense of humor.

You will do the right thing.

Just stay angry (at him) Angrywife, until it passes and then you don't need to be anymore.

Kmber2010

Angrywife your post really got me. You are where you need to be and I am proud of you. I don't always get on to the family thread enough but as a recovering alcoholic....you are doing the right thing! You got it and deep huggs from me. Enough is enough. Without growth there is death and he is not willing to grow and seek help for real.

Stay strong. All the best!