Whammy

hi im very new to this forum. Today was the first time I ever became seriously concerned for my brother. I moved home from school about a month ago and since I've been home Ive seen him looking like a zombie pretty regularly. When I say something to him he just says hes tired. Today was the first time that I finally just kept bugging him until he admitted that he was using. I think I was afraid to really face whats going on because of how much he was resembling my roommate from school who ended up dying from his depression and addiction. Nodding in and out, passing out in his computer chair, talking like hes got marbles in his mouth.

I don't know what to say to him, I've never been so scared of anything in my life. We have a lot of substance abuse in our family and I'm no angel myself in the drug and alcohol use department. In the past month hes managed to crash his car, then my car and now his car has recently been completely totaled. I'm scared to death that the next thing he crashes into will be a human being.

Don't really have a question..not sure if we're supposed to flat out ask for counseling or advice here so I won't. I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Chino

Please consider finding an Alanon or Naranon group in your area.

Is there anyone you can talk to in your family?

Impurrfect

((((Whammy)))) - welcome to SR! I'm sorry for what you are going through, but this is a great place to get ES&H (experience, strength and hope). Like ((Chino)), though, I'd suggest finding f2f support, be it meetings or someone who is able to see things as they are.

I'm an RA (recovering addict), and I put my family through he!! when I was using. I also have loved ones who are A's (addicts/alcoholics). I've had to learn how to set boundaries, step back and let the A find their way to recovery. It isn't easy, but the great folks here have helped a lot.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

ladyamalthea

(((Whammy)))

My sister is the addict in my life. Chino and Impurrfect are spot on as far as going to nar-anon or al-anon. Feel free to pm me if you want to know more about my experience; I won't bore you with it here, but just know that I almost lost my sanity to worrying about my sister and trying to "make" my parents do the right thing in regards to her behavior. I learned the hard way that there is nothing I can do in any of their cases, and that the best thing I can do is make myself my own first priority and take care of me.

Like I said, I'm here if you need me. Please keep coming back and reading all the great information all over this forum; the stickies in each section are particularly useful, in my opinion.

bigsister1982

I feel so much for you. My brother was the same way - always seemed really out of it but I had no idea why for a long time. Especially where you know someone who has lost their life due to addiction, you must be terrified. But you aren't your brother, and unfortunately, he won't get better just because you are worried or scared to death.

The best thing that I ever did for myself was go on a two day (full days) counselling group session. If you have any options like that, please, please take advantage of them. Family support groups are not just for parents/children but definitly siblings too. It's just as hard to see a sibling in the depths of addiction as a child or parent.

As much as I'd repeated to myself that his addiction wasn't my fault, and I couldn't fix it, I really needed that group setting and to talk to other people in the same situation to believe it. I'd posted a lot here as well and while it helped, I still had that heavy feeling in my chest. The group was so accepting... addiction wasn't anything that I could talk about with even my closest friends. I felt like a ton of bricks were lifted off of me after the session. Call it counselling, or just having a comfortable environment where you can pour your heart out, that's what helped me.

So.... long story short I just want to agree with what everyone else has said. You can't make your brother better, but you can make yourself better. And that's all you have control over right now, so I hope you work on that.

Whammy

Thank you so much for responding with those kind words and suggestions. I am going to go to a nar-anon group meeting this week.

Should I even bother confronting him about it anymore? I've called him out on being visibly sedated at least 5 times this week and it hasn't stopped him one bit. He still has the nerve to look at me and say hes tired, then get mad at me for asking him why hes nodding in and out of consciousness.

I'm trying to show him as much love as I can but all I see when I look at him wasted is my old roommate whos now dead from the same stuff hes messing with. It gets me so upset, I know he was excited for me to come home so he could have someone to hang out with more but i can't hang out with him when hes like this it kills me.

I'm gonna keep reading these forums and attend a local nar-anon meeting. Thank you all again, this is really a great community.

Spiritual Seeker

Maybe you can lead by example by attending AA or NA and getting sober yourself.
Once you are firmly planted in recovery you may be able to get him to attend mtgs. with you. AA is a program of attraction.
When we want change it almost always has to begin with ourselves.

Angelic17

Whammy, all of us here have been there and done that. We are no strangers to the pain and suffering of addiction. And we are no angels here either. I sure hope your brother doesn't wind up killing himself in his car, and he needs to know that he can't drive under the influence. Eventually he will wind up in jail, or GOD FORBID worse. Do you think that you can try to talk to him. I know it wouldn't be easy, and he probably won't listen, but it's worth a try. Take the car keys when you see him stoned like that. Maybe you can talk him into attending a meeting with you. I hope you find the help that you both need before something really bad happens. Nothing good ever comes out of drugs. Believe me, I learned the hard way, myself.

damiank

Whammy, i've been looking for answers for years for my brother. He crashed his first car into a parked car, and then into a house. This was years ago. I tried everything, and in my case, my brother doesn't give a flip about what family will tell him. He's been to jail and treatment. He did overcome drinking, but now is in bad shape with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (from smoking). He only has one lung from an attempted suicide. I know you want to help, but i'm learning that it makes them defensive, and they won't want to help themselves. I'm in a constant struggle with wanting to try something different to help, or just giving up. It's so frustrating that i can't even have a normal conversation with him. I just want to explode. Maybe i helped a little in my case, i don't know. In your case, i hope you or someone can get through to him, or he changes on his own.