My family is so messed up (Really? Yours too, eh? Ha.)...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
My family is so messed up (Really? Yours too, eh? Ha.)...
I'm in my later twenties now and I've had around 2 or 3 serious relationships in my life that made me think seriously about my family because they gave me the opportunities to compare and contrast. Something I've noticed in mine is how little we interact with one another.
For example, during my last relationship, I noticed how often my partner would receive phone calls from various family members throughout each day for no other reasons than to simply check in. They would call to see how the day went, what happened in class, ask about new movies coming out in the theaters or to see if we'd like to catch a bite to eat with whichever family member was calling. When you belong to a family like this, it really helps with issues of loneliness and security. My family NEVER does this and in many ways, purposely tries to avoid each other and it tears my heart apart.
Another thing I've noticed in other families is how they have a weekly routine.
For example, someone I dated during high school had a family who had dinner together every Sunday. Sure, it was a religious ritual but does that mean that a family who wants to have dinner once a week must be devote Christians or Muslims or Jews? I think not... My family NEVER does this.
Last but not at all, least, is how in other families, it seems that there is a constant stream of love and compassion. They always have the others back in battle (regardless of rights or wrongs) and they constantly reassure each other by showing faith and loyalty in their views toward brother and sister (mother or father, etc).
For example, I dated someone not too long ago who had absolutely nothing. People in my family would ignorantly label them as "trash" because they drove crappy cars, had a crappy house, and had crappy appliances. But you know what? They had each other and every time I came over, I saw how happy they were. My family has NEVER been like this.
In my family, it seems like there's always a skirmish of some sort taking place and I honestly believe that much of it stems from my grandmother--the matriarch of the family. She seems like a first-class manipulator and crap-stirrer and when she's confronted about it, she always pulls some sort of "hat trick" that winds up justifying her cases or outlook. As a matter of fact, I almost think that she finds talking about others in the family as a sort of hobby. And no matter what's going on in your life, she's always the first to be judgmental about something you've done as if there's always a proverbial finger constantly pointing in your direction. For example, ever since I graduated from college, I've been on a rocky road with many facets of life ranging from relationships to employment. No matter what I do or say about my situations, I always feel like she's trying to judge me and no matter what I do or say, I'm always at fault. Rarely does she ever take my side or perspective on anything, anymore, and I feel like a lot of it pertains to stuff I have no control over, like my expenses (I'm currently financially dependent on her for rent and I know this stresses her out). I've done things to better the situation, such as seek alternative places to live and whatnot, but no matter what I do, she always reciprocates with negativity and it really, REALLY bothers me because I love and care about her.
All this really gets me seriously depressed, not just about her (my grandmother) but also about the rest of my family. I've grown to the point where I desire to move away from all of the people in my family and gradually set out to start my own family but I can't do that until I have a career set in stone (which is why I've returned to school to pursue graduate work and in the process, acquire some form of permanent employment at the campus I go to school at). Deep down, I know what I'm doing with my life is as good as I can do, but when the only person I have to lean on in my life is someone who constantly plants seeds of insecurity and desperation, it leaves me a bit stressed and feeling hopeless.
I know this has little to do with alcoholism but since my grandmother acts like my mother half the time due to my alcoholic mother not being in my life, I suppose it relates.
I'm not sure if I posted all this to specifically fetch feedback or if I did it to vent but in whatever case, feel free to post your thoughts on the matter. It's always welcome and appreciated.
For example, during my last relationship, I noticed how often my partner would receive phone calls from various family members throughout each day for no other reasons than to simply check in. They would call to see how the day went, what happened in class, ask about new movies coming out in the theaters or to see if we'd like to catch a bite to eat with whichever family member was calling. When you belong to a family like this, it really helps with issues of loneliness and security. My family NEVER does this and in many ways, purposely tries to avoid each other and it tears my heart apart.
Another thing I've noticed in other families is how they have a weekly routine.
For example, someone I dated during high school had a family who had dinner together every Sunday. Sure, it was a religious ritual but does that mean that a family who wants to have dinner once a week must be devote Christians or Muslims or Jews? I think not... My family NEVER does this.
Last but not at all, least, is how in other families, it seems that there is a constant stream of love and compassion. They always have the others back in battle (regardless of rights or wrongs) and they constantly reassure each other by showing faith and loyalty in their views toward brother and sister (mother or father, etc).
For example, I dated someone not too long ago who had absolutely nothing. People in my family would ignorantly label them as "trash" because they drove crappy cars, had a crappy house, and had crappy appliances. But you know what? They had each other and every time I came over, I saw how happy they were. My family has NEVER been like this.
In my family, it seems like there's always a skirmish of some sort taking place and I honestly believe that much of it stems from my grandmother--the matriarch of the family. She seems like a first-class manipulator and crap-stirrer and when she's confronted about it, she always pulls some sort of "hat trick" that winds up justifying her cases or outlook. As a matter of fact, I almost think that she finds talking about others in the family as a sort of hobby. And no matter what's going on in your life, she's always the first to be judgmental about something you've done as if there's always a proverbial finger constantly pointing in your direction. For example, ever since I graduated from college, I've been on a rocky road with many facets of life ranging from relationships to employment. No matter what I do or say about my situations, I always feel like she's trying to judge me and no matter what I do or say, I'm always at fault. Rarely does she ever take my side or perspective on anything, anymore, and I feel like a lot of it pertains to stuff I have no control over, like my expenses (I'm currently financially dependent on her for rent and I know this stresses her out). I've done things to better the situation, such as seek alternative places to live and whatnot, but no matter what I do, she always reciprocates with negativity and it really, REALLY bothers me because I love and care about her.
All this really gets me seriously depressed, not just about her (my grandmother) but also about the rest of my family. I've grown to the point where I desire to move away from all of the people in my family and gradually set out to start my own family but I can't do that until I have a career set in stone (which is why I've returned to school to pursue graduate work and in the process, acquire some form of permanent employment at the campus I go to school at). Deep down, I know what I'm doing with my life is as good as I can do, but when the only person I have to lean on in my life is someone who constantly plants seeds of insecurity and desperation, it leaves me a bit stressed and feeling hopeless.
I know this has little to do with alcoholism but since my grandmother acts like my mother half the time due to my alcoholic mother not being in my life, I suppose it relates.
I'm not sure if I posted all this to specifically fetch feedback or if I did it to vent but in whatever case, feel free to post your thoughts on the matter. It's always welcome and appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Wolf))) - I'm sorry your family, especially your grandmother, can't give you the unconditional love you need.
I grew up in a fairly "normal" home. However, after my mom died, dad remarried and their relationship is pretty DYSfunctional, though I love my "stepfamily" dearly.
I've reached out to people who love me, when I can't get support at home. My aunt and my mom's best friend are hugely supportive, yet give me the "kick in the pants" when I need it
I've read many stories here where people have suffered at the hands of their family. It's hard to accept that they just can't be what you need them to be. There's nothing wrong with finding others who CAN support you. Have you checked out al-anon? I know it's helped a lot of people in this kind of situation. SR has helped me, tremendously, in dealing with MY family, so I hope we can help you, too.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I grew up in a fairly "normal" home. However, after my mom died, dad remarried and their relationship is pretty DYSfunctional, though I love my "stepfamily" dearly.
I've reached out to people who love me, when I can't get support at home. My aunt and my mom's best friend are hugely supportive, yet give me the "kick in the pants" when I need it
I've read many stories here where people have suffered at the hands of their family. It's hard to accept that they just can't be what you need them to be. There's nothing wrong with finding others who CAN support you. Have you checked out al-anon? I know it's helped a lot of people in this kind of situation. SR has helped me, tremendously, in dealing with MY family, so I hope we can help you, too.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Wolf))) - I'm pretty sure you can just google in "al-anon meetings in (wherever you live) and get a list of meeting places and times. If they have a phone number, I'd call that to double-check that the list is updated and the meetings are still where they say they are.
They're for the loved ones of alcoholics (and addicts, though there is also nar-anon for the addicts' loved ones). I know of many people, here, who have amazing success in keeping their sanity, while dealing with the A (alcoholic/addict) thanks to the meetings.
SR is great, but sometimes we need that f2f support and encouragement....real life hugs help a lot, too
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
They're for the loved ones of alcoholics (and addicts, though there is also nar-anon for the addicts' loved ones). I know of many people, here, who have amazing success in keeping their sanity, while dealing with the A (alcoholic/addict) thanks to the meetings.
SR is great, but sometimes we need that f2f support and encouragement....real life hugs help a lot, too
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Nobody's family is perfect, I'm convinced of that. Some are healthier/unhealthier than others, but I think we all wish in some ways that our families would be, well, DIFFERENT.
The funny thing (well, not funny, ironic might be a better term) is that some people would also find the constant phone calls, checking up on each other, etc., intrusive and nosy.
But obviously you do feel something is lacking in your family, and that is something you owe it to yourself to examine. I second the idea of going to Al-Anon. One of the things you learn there is that we can't change other people or make them give us what we think we need, but we can find other ways of getting those needs met. You may never get what you need from your mom and from others in your family of origin, but you can surround yourself with positive people in your life that will make it full and happy and meaningful. And even if the people in your family can't be your primary support, you can still maintain a good relationship with them.
The funny thing (well, not funny, ironic might be a better term) is that some people would also find the constant phone calls, checking up on each other, etc., intrusive and nosy.
But obviously you do feel something is lacking in your family, and that is something you owe it to yourself to examine. I second the idea of going to Al-Anon. One of the things you learn there is that we can't change other people or make them give us what we think we need, but we can find other ways of getting those needs met. You may never get what you need from your mom and from others in your family of origin, but you can surround yourself with positive people in your life that will make it full and happy and meaningful. And even if the people in your family can't be your primary support, you can still maintain a good relationship with them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My family puts the 'fun' in dysfunctional!
Seriously, there are a lot of things I have come to accept, including the fact my parents are horribly codependent, and I've essentially learned to parent myself.
I know how it hurts, believe me.
Seriously, there are a lot of things I have come to accept, including the fact my parents are horribly codependent, and I've essentially learned to parent myself.
I know how it hurts, believe me.
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
Freedom, thanks...and Wolf, thanks, too...my family is definition dysfunctional, so I can relate. I personally found that therapy has helped me to wade through some stuff and realize that it's not my fault that I was raised in a dysfunctional family, and that I have choices now about how I want to live my life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi wolf,
I recently attended my family reunion. I grew up in one of those families you described as getting together for family time, phone calls, etc. My friends in Jr. High still write to my parents and tell them how wonderful those times were, that my household was a safe, loving place for them in the midst of the storms in their own families. And that was all true...my parents opened their homes to my friends, my siblings' friends, exchange students, etc.
But I'm seriously thinking about not going to family reunions anymore. As wonderful as my parents are, they did a great deal of damage with the facade that they created in my life. Growing up in that environment where my parents NEVER had a disagreement in front of the kids was completely fake, and helped to create in me the need to have a facade in my life. My mother is ACOA who grew up with a raging A Dad and a raging codie Mom. My grandmother, like yours, was a CLASSIC manipulator. My mother grew up in that but PRETENDED that she didn't, and I learned that being suspicious and untrusting of what I felt deep inside was important. At the reunion this year it was the usual tearing-apart of others that I grew up with, the classic double-bind, no-win situation--which is the same kind of romantic relationships that I've had.
I learned well that to get my needs met I had to manipulate the people closest to me. It doesn't feel good to say that, but I see that those friends who came home with me and loved my home and parents were manipulated, too. That reality didn't actually exist. Every family has it's crap, and it's easy to look at other families and compare. I'm telling you, I practically grew up on the set of "Leave It To Beaver" but it was just that--a set--remnants of the "truth" seeping out so that I was totally conflicted inside as to how to live my life. Even the regular phone calls and visits were as a result of the pressure for me to respond in the "expected" way, and everyone in the system was doing the same thing. Yuck.
It's very toxic to go back to my family and I'm realizing that I already have relationships with the family members who are honest and clear with me. I'm not talking about cutting everyone else off, just arranging the time that I spend with them so that it works for me. Many of my friends from when I grew up could not understand any of this...
Also, I married a man whose family treated me with generosity and love, staying connected, etc. That all worked well until I refused to facilitate their relationship with him, and I was told it was my fault for "not fulfilling my role in the family." Years later, after much crazy-making, we divorced. My kids say it was one of the best things that ever happened for them.
Bottom line: Remember that this is all a process--you have choices about who you spend time with, and how you structure that time. It makes all the difference. And for now, I'm single and finding myself w/o the need to create a facade. I'm wonderful just as I am, as are you!
Hugs to you,
posie
I recently attended my family reunion. I grew up in one of those families you described as getting together for family time, phone calls, etc. My friends in Jr. High still write to my parents and tell them how wonderful those times were, that my household was a safe, loving place for them in the midst of the storms in their own families. And that was all true...my parents opened their homes to my friends, my siblings' friends, exchange students, etc.
But I'm seriously thinking about not going to family reunions anymore. As wonderful as my parents are, they did a great deal of damage with the facade that they created in my life. Growing up in that environment where my parents NEVER had a disagreement in front of the kids was completely fake, and helped to create in me the need to have a facade in my life. My mother is ACOA who grew up with a raging A Dad and a raging codie Mom. My grandmother, like yours, was a CLASSIC manipulator. My mother grew up in that but PRETENDED that she didn't, and I learned that being suspicious and untrusting of what I felt deep inside was important. At the reunion this year it was the usual tearing-apart of others that I grew up with, the classic double-bind, no-win situation--which is the same kind of romantic relationships that I've had.
I learned well that to get my needs met I had to manipulate the people closest to me. It doesn't feel good to say that, but I see that those friends who came home with me and loved my home and parents were manipulated, too. That reality didn't actually exist. Every family has it's crap, and it's easy to look at other families and compare. I'm telling you, I practically grew up on the set of "Leave It To Beaver" but it was just that--a set--remnants of the "truth" seeping out so that I was totally conflicted inside as to how to live my life. Even the regular phone calls and visits were as a result of the pressure for me to respond in the "expected" way, and everyone in the system was doing the same thing. Yuck.
It's very toxic to go back to my family and I'm realizing that I already have relationships with the family members who are honest and clear with me. I'm not talking about cutting everyone else off, just arranging the time that I spend with them so that it works for me. Many of my friends from when I grew up could not understand any of this...
Also, I married a man whose family treated me with generosity and love, staying connected, etc. That all worked well until I refused to facilitate their relationship with him, and I was told it was my fault for "not fulfilling my role in the family." Years later, after much crazy-making, we divorced. My kids say it was one of the best things that ever happened for them.
Bottom line: Remember that this is all a process--you have choices about who you spend time with, and how you structure that time. It makes all the difference. And for now, I'm single and finding myself w/o the need to create a facade. I'm wonderful just as I am, as are you!
Hugs to you,
posie
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
IMO, every family has its dysfunctions. I hope you don't beat yourself up about your family's dysfunctions. Also, I felt sorry for myself for a LONG time, for not having the kind of family I thought everyone else had. At some point soon after I got sober I realized that NO ONE has the kind of family they think they should have (we ALL have dysfunction in our families in some form or another) and I stopped feeling sorry for myself.
What you describe about your G-mother is TOXICITY, poison. I have learned that I need to avoid toxic, poisonous people as much as I can, because they REALLY affect me and how I feel every day. I do not worry too much about offending people by avoiding them either, because I know I need to do it to save my own a$$. I accept my inability to screen out the effects of other people's toxicity. I am glad your G-mother is able to help you though, because I think grad school is the way to go. My graduate degree literally changed the course of my life, as much as my sobriety has. For that, I am truly grateful.
Thanks for sharing such an important realization you have come to in your life.
I agree with the poster above about going to Al-Anon. It will help you put what you have realized, and many other things, into perspective. I recommend Al-Anon ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). You really learn a lot about yourself. There is also a book called, "It Will Never Happen to Me," by Claudia Black that can help you understand how growing up with alcoholism may have affected you. Or you can just start by Googling "Adult Children of Alcoholics" and you'll probably get a few good articles about it.
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
Thanks for the input, guys / gals. It means a lot. It really helps to know that some people out there *get* what I'm going through.
Learn2Live, I think you hit the nail on the head concerning my grandmother. I mean, of course love has nothing to do with the situation but I do believe she's a massive enabler to my alcoholic mother and I believe that many issues in the family have stemmed from her antiquated and dichotomous ways-of-thinking. It really saddens me. She's well off with her savings and such. My grandfather was a farmer in his day and through his hard work, they've both been able to make a great life for themselves. While I'm obviously happy for them, I'm also somewhat bitter about how I view my grandmother as being this type of woman who can sit back and judge others without fear of reprimand due to her financial security. She constantly passes judgment on everyone in the family and it's so easy for her to do so because she doesn't have to experience the everyday demands that cause many of those in the family to make mistakes or have emotional / psychological issues. Maybe I've said too much? I feel bad for admitting these things about the person who's been my savior in many ways but I can't help it when my mind logically conveys things like this to me. Especially when I know for a fact that these things are true.
Like many have basically said, I guess I just have to deal with it the best I can. If I ever find that golden career job that many of us are now searching for anymore, I know deep down that it would cut any tied strings and I would finally be completely independent. I had the chance to taste that during my first career job and while I hated the job at the time, I loved being completely free of all negative circumstances that were derived from people in my family. I yearn for that freedom again and I hope and pray that something like that will enter my life again through this graduate stuff I'm going into.
Learn2Live, I think you hit the nail on the head concerning my grandmother. I mean, of course love has nothing to do with the situation but I do believe she's a massive enabler to my alcoholic mother and I believe that many issues in the family have stemmed from her antiquated and dichotomous ways-of-thinking. It really saddens me. She's well off with her savings and such. My grandfather was a farmer in his day and through his hard work, they've both been able to make a great life for themselves. While I'm obviously happy for them, I'm also somewhat bitter about how I view my grandmother as being this type of woman who can sit back and judge others without fear of reprimand due to her financial security. She constantly passes judgment on everyone in the family and it's so easy for her to do so because she doesn't have to experience the everyday demands that cause many of those in the family to make mistakes or have emotional / psychological issues. Maybe I've said too much? I feel bad for admitting these things about the person who's been my savior in many ways but I can't help it when my mind logically conveys things like this to me. Especially when I know for a fact that these things are true.
Like many have basically said, I guess I just have to deal with it the best I can. If I ever find that golden career job that many of us are now searching for anymore, I know deep down that it would cut any tied strings and I would finally be completely independent. I had the chance to taste that during my first career job and while I hated the job at the time, I loved being completely free of all negative circumstances that were derived from people in my family. I yearn for that freedom again and I hope and pray that something like that will enter my life again through this graduate stuff I'm going into.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
My family puts the 'fun' in dysfunctional!
OTOH, my own family growing up was EXACTLY like a cartoon I saw in the New Yorker once. It was a picture of five little islands in an ocean. On each little island was one person sitting there alone. The caption on the picture was "The Dysfunctional Family Robinson." That could not have described my family of origin better. Our emotions were so closed off from each other and from ourselves we were islands unto ourselves. My mother would come upstairs and with a chipper little smile tell me to lock my bedroom door because my stepfather was drinking that night. My brother used to leave the house via his bedroom window rather than walk through the house. My other brother joined the service as soon as he could legally leave. To this day, I have a bad carryover habit of talking about really sad things with a smile on my face, like, "Oh, yeah, haha, my mother died on my 20th wedding anniversary." I only realized this was not normal after saying a few times and seeing the reaction on people's faces.
My children are amazingly emotionally honest, and they don't let me off the hook for stuff, but in a very loving, respectful way. I've learned so much from them. That trait must have been a gift from God, because I sure didn't teach them.
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