New Guy
Grouch and Brainstorm
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 238
New Guy
Hello.
At the age of 30, I came out of rehab and into Alcoholics Anonymous. I was an avid member of the fellowship, played sober softball, went on speaking commitments, made coffee, and watched as my life got better. I met my wife, got married, had kids. My career took off, and I traveled the world. I did not drink, did not think about drinking, and generally felt that my issue was behind me.
One Friday night, with 11 years of sobriety, I came home from work and took 2 pain killers that my wife had left over from a surgical procedure. For no reason. There was no premeditation, no trigger, no catalyst for what was about to follow.
The next day, I finished the pills and told my wife I had flushed them down the toilet because they made me uncomfortable. In one week, I was hiding in my bathroom drinking mouthwash. I then switched to vodka, and hid bottles in the garage and basement. My wife, who had never seen me drunk, wondered what was going on. Eventually I admitted that I was drinking again and recommitted myself to AA. Got a new sponsor. Did 90 meetings in 90 days.
I drove around local urban areas looking for drug dealers, unsure as to what I was looking for or where to get it, but craving an escape that wouldn't give me away like alcohol did.
I went on business trips and drank. I confessed only when the walls closed in. My sobriety date changed constantly. My wife began to threaten.
I was plagued by this question: why was it that, after being sober for a period-- getting the craving out of my system-- I was still picking up? Everyone in meetings told me if I just stayed away from the first drink I would be fine-- but I couldn't stay away from the first drink or drug. Was I weak? Was I one of the "constitutionally incapable" kind?
Finally, an old sponsor referred me to Big Book John. My old sponsor said, "He's not for me, but he seems to work well for people like you."
Desperate, not courageous, I called John. He told me he would be "honored" to work with me, but not to expect anything from him. He said we would not get coffee, would not go to meetings together, and that he did not really want to hear about my problems. He instructed me to read from the preface to page 63 in the Big Book and not call him until I had done so.
I did so. I found the Big Book from rehab-- still on my shelf, unused-- and took it down. I did as instructed.
When John and I sat, he pointed to something on one of the first pages.
"Not recovering, Bob," John said, "but recovered."
Blasphemy, I thought. Aren't we supposed to be in a perpetual state of recovery? Never cured?
We went on. And, critically, I began to identify with the alcoholic described in the first 63 pages of this text book. And little by slowly, I began to see the conflicts between what I was reading in the book and what I was hearing in AA meetings:
If I'm truly powerless due to a mental obsession, how can I not "take the first drink?"
If I'm insane, how can I "think the drink through?"
If I need to experience a psychic change to be relieved of my obsession, why do people tell me that "the only step I need to get right is the first step?"
I began to understand that the first step wasn't about hope, but about hopelessness. Complete absence of hope. I was destroyed and humbled. I told John this.
"Now," he smiled, "we can begin."
And with that, I began my fourth step.
Six months later, I am making amends. I go on business trips and do not drink. I have been relieved of the obsession to drink, and restored to sanity about the truth of my powerlessness. And I feel a compulsion to share this with all of you.
Is this God? I don't know. It is a power, and it is greater than me. It does not appear to me or talk to me. It manifests as the three things I mentioned above: relief, restoration, and a compulsion to carry the message.
And with that, I will end with the Set Aside Prayer.
At the age of 30, I came out of rehab and into Alcoholics Anonymous. I was an avid member of the fellowship, played sober softball, went on speaking commitments, made coffee, and watched as my life got better. I met my wife, got married, had kids. My career took off, and I traveled the world. I did not drink, did not think about drinking, and generally felt that my issue was behind me.
One Friday night, with 11 years of sobriety, I came home from work and took 2 pain killers that my wife had left over from a surgical procedure. For no reason. There was no premeditation, no trigger, no catalyst for what was about to follow.
The next day, I finished the pills and told my wife I had flushed them down the toilet because they made me uncomfortable. In one week, I was hiding in my bathroom drinking mouthwash. I then switched to vodka, and hid bottles in the garage and basement. My wife, who had never seen me drunk, wondered what was going on. Eventually I admitted that I was drinking again and recommitted myself to AA. Got a new sponsor. Did 90 meetings in 90 days.
I drove around local urban areas looking for drug dealers, unsure as to what I was looking for or where to get it, but craving an escape that wouldn't give me away like alcohol did.
I went on business trips and drank. I confessed only when the walls closed in. My sobriety date changed constantly. My wife began to threaten.
I was plagued by this question: why was it that, after being sober for a period-- getting the craving out of my system-- I was still picking up? Everyone in meetings told me if I just stayed away from the first drink I would be fine-- but I couldn't stay away from the first drink or drug. Was I weak? Was I one of the "constitutionally incapable" kind?
Finally, an old sponsor referred me to Big Book John. My old sponsor said, "He's not for me, but he seems to work well for people like you."
Desperate, not courageous, I called John. He told me he would be "honored" to work with me, but not to expect anything from him. He said we would not get coffee, would not go to meetings together, and that he did not really want to hear about my problems. He instructed me to read from the preface to page 63 in the Big Book and not call him until I had done so.
I did so. I found the Big Book from rehab-- still on my shelf, unused-- and took it down. I did as instructed.
When John and I sat, he pointed to something on one of the first pages.
"Precisely how we have recovered."
"Not recovering, Bob," John said, "but recovered."
Blasphemy, I thought. Aren't we supposed to be in a perpetual state of recovery? Never cured?
We went on. And, critically, I began to identify with the alcoholic described in the first 63 pages of this text book. And little by slowly, I began to see the conflicts between what I was reading in the book and what I was hearing in AA meetings:
If I'm truly powerless due to a mental obsession, how can I not "take the first drink?"
If I'm insane, how can I "think the drink through?"
If I need to experience a psychic change to be relieved of my obsession, why do people tell me that "the only step I need to get right is the first step?"
I began to understand that the first step wasn't about hope, but about hopelessness. Complete absence of hope. I was destroyed and humbled. I told John this.
"Now," he smiled, "we can begin."
And with that, I began my fourth step.
Six months later, I am making amends. I go on business trips and do not drink. I have been relieved of the obsession to drink, and restored to sanity about the truth of my powerlessness. And I feel a compulsion to share this with all of you.
Is this God? I don't know. It is a power, and it is greater than me. It does not appear to me or talk to me. It manifests as the three things I mentioned above: relief, restoration, and a compulsion to carry the message.
And with that, I will end with the Set Aside Prayer.
God,
Please help me set aside
Everything I think I know
About myself, my disease,
These steps, and especially You;
For an open mind
And a new experience
With myself, my disease,
These steps and especially You.
Please help me set aside
Everything I think I know
About myself, my disease,
These steps, and especially You;
For an open mind
And a new experience
With myself, my disease,
These steps and especially You.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Thanks, Robert, and welcome, again!
This was another thought on my mind, actually, after you mentioned in another thread what you think twelfth-step work means to you. Your first sponsor was smart enough to recognize that you needed a different type of sponsor--good for him! I know I wouldn't feel qualified to help anyone (after I've done my own step work) who falls into that category that I've (somewhat tongue-in-cheek) come to think of as a "real" alcoholic. The identification, the urgency of the step work, is somewhat different, I think.
I like your set-aside prayer. Never heard that one (and I've been "around" AA for a long time because my first husband got sober 30 years ago before we got married--and he's STILL sober!).
Look forward to hearing more from you.
This was another thought on my mind, actually, after you mentioned in another thread what you think twelfth-step work means to you. Your first sponsor was smart enough to recognize that you needed a different type of sponsor--good for him! I know I wouldn't feel qualified to help anyone (after I've done my own step work) who falls into that category that I've (somewhat tongue-in-cheek) come to think of as a "real" alcoholic. The identification, the urgency of the step work, is somewhat different, I think.
I like your set-aside prayer. Never heard that one (and I've been "around" AA for a long time because my first husband got sober 30 years ago before we got married--and he's STILL sober!).
Look forward to hearing more from you.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Robert - and welcome! Thanks so much for sharing your story - it's helped me today to take a sober look (no pun intended) at what can happen even after years of sobriety. I'm glad you were able to come back share the message - thanks!!
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Hi Robert,
Welcome to SR. Why would an alcoholic who has been sober for 11 years take a couple of pills and then end up drinking mouthwash within a week?
Well it gives us the answer to that in the Big Book. I too couldn't stay away from the first drink. I couldn't play the tape through. I couldn't pick up the phone either. Nothing could stop me picking up the drink. I was completely powerless and hopeless and no human power could help.
Thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope. For those too who are powerless and unable to stop themselves from picking up that first drink, the 12 Step program of AA can work them too .....as it has worked for you, me and many, many other grateful recovered alcoholics.
Welcome to SR. Why would an alcoholic who has been sober for 11 years take a couple of pills and then end up drinking mouthwash within a week?
Well it gives us the answer to that in the Big Book. I too couldn't stay away from the first drink. I couldn't play the tape through. I couldn't pick up the phone either. Nothing could stop me picking up the drink. I was completely powerless and hopeless and no human power could help.
Thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope. For those too who are powerless and unable to stop themselves from picking up that first drink, the 12 Step program of AA can work them too .....as it has worked for you, me and many, many other grateful recovered alcoholics.
Grouch and Brainstorm
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 238
thanks, everyone, for your kind words. It's nice to have this place to come to...it's a real sanity check, a great meditative pause during the day.
Clifty-- take your journey and trust that you're on the right path, even when it feels uncomfortable...I told someone I'm sponsoring yesterday that I can't bring him to his jumping off point-- where he accepts his truth. He's got to get there on his own, and I told him I feared it was going to require more investigation, more evidence. Because he still believes he can drink and not snort Oxycontin. Me telling him that over and over again that one leads to the other is just blather when compared to the acutal experience of doing it. The problem is, we lose people-- THEY DIE-- during this process.
Clifty-- take your journey and trust that you're on the right path, even when it feels uncomfortable...I told someone I'm sponsoring yesterday that I can't bring him to his jumping off point-- where he accepts his truth. He's got to get there on his own, and I told him I feared it was going to require more investigation, more evidence. Because he still believes he can drink and not snort Oxycontin. Me telling him that over and over again that one leads to the other is just blather when compared to the acutal experience of doing it. The problem is, we lose people-- THEY DIE-- during this process.
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