wow1323

Hi, I don't know if I can label myself anything right now, but I have drank on and off for 20 years. I stopped drinking when I became pregnant on 9/1/08. I then breastfed and still had not picked up a drink. Here nor there I have had a glass of wine or 2 but I am sober. Friday was my birthday I drank and was a drunk utter slob. I feel so GUILTY. I feel gross, depressed, embaressed, and 100 others things. My body aches all over, from falling down. I had to have my ring sawed off my finger because it got caught in an elevator and I can't even move it. I want to forgive myself and move on and go back to just being a mom. I am a single parent of a toddler all I want to do is sleep, but I can't. I have no appetite. I am still really disgusted with myself.
Any words of encourgement?

LaFemme

Hey! I'm really impressed, it's hard to be a single parent so kudo's to you!

Whether you have a problem or not, maybe it's time to reconsider why you drink at all...it doesn't sound like you had a particularly fun birthday thanks to alcohol consumption.

Happy Birthday a few days late, hope today is better than the actual b-day:-)

Horselover

Sorry for your experience. We've all been there in that we have made some pretty foolish choices when we had been drinking. Don't worry about the label and you don't have to be an alcoholic to want to stop drinking. I would list all the positives and negatives that drinking gives you. It may help.

Happy belated birthday and concentrate on the new year rather then the day maybe.

Hevyn

Hi Wow - sorry for your bad experience, but it seems like it'll be a valuable one. You never have to go through that again.

I found that the times I tried to get sober - when I'd pick up again it would hit me 10 times as hard. I had absolutely no control over the amounts I'd consume. In the end, trying to have "a few" led to 20 - then a binge lasting days or weeks. It's been said that it isn't how often you drink, but what it does to you when you do drink that matters. Why not write down what you're feeling right now and refer to it when needed.
Our memories fade, and then we're in danger of a repeat performance.

LexieCat

Welcome, Wow,

Sorry about the unhappy birthday. There's a lot of information here about alcoholism, so why don't you surf around a bit and do some reading. Only you can decide whether you need to quit drinking. The fact that you ruined what should have been a fun and happy occasion is giving you pause, which is a good thing.

wow1323

Thank you to all of the above. I like the looking forward part and especially writing down things. The positive and negative list is a freakin' amazing concept because I think we all know that space on positivity would be empty. I think NOTHING positive comes from drinking! Nothing...It is almost like you lose everything. Relationships, dignity, money, memories, and you always feel like crap after. So, maybe the biggest gift I received on my birthday was rock bottom?? I do know this hangover feels different. I never had these emotions after. It never really fazed me. I've changed; I don't want alcohol ruining my life and mentally being in charge of me. Tomorrow will be better.

LaFemme

Hey Wow!

I really hope this is your birthday present...a sober and new you!

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community....

If your b-day bad experience motivates you
into self improvement.....it's worth the pain.

I like what you said.... with that in your mind....you are going to move forward...

Blessings to you and your child

Impurrfect

(((Wow))) - welcome to SR!

I'm thinking this may be a birthday present in disguise? I never was motivated to quit using because GOOD things happened, for sure.

I wouldn't worry about the "label" right now, either. You're not happy with the way things turned out, have come here, and will get lots of support and ES&H (experience, strength and hope).

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

MrSerious

hello wow, and congrats for coming to this place. It has been my experience that all of this, this thing called life, occurs for reasons beyond our understanding. There is never an instance when God( or whatever deity you are faithful to) closes a door and opens a window....sometimes though....our demons restrain us from finding that window....seeing through it or even climbing out of it.

You sound like a wonderful person with a courageous heart and good head on those shoulders. Iam by no means a saint, at 32 ive only been sober for a day. But guess what...im getting hours closer to 2. soon itll be three....you see...I found that window yesterday when I fought off the demon and his pals. Soon....I'll have those emeffers doing jumping jacks.!

Point being: live slowly. Love happily. And act with compassion and courage. The want never lever leaves....once an addict....always. However, we are all very special in our own amazing ways. We all have talent and spirit deep within us, enough to see what we have done, and havent, and look in the mirror and find ourselves again. To find the utter amazing capacity we have drown for so long.

So kudos to you for seeing the forrest for the trees, godspeed on your journey young lady/.

:day2

wow1323

I can't even begin to tell all of you how much this is helping me! I'm starting to lift up.I can feel it deep within my chest. The tears are still dripping and I am just trying to make it to 7pm with a smile on my face. (my sons bedtime) but just finding all the loving souls here made me feel excited that I don't have to do this alone.
Thank you, from the bottom of my cup. ( I hope it is okay to make a joke every now and then. Humor sometimes is my way of "surviving"}

Carol- You quoted me. To make sure I remembered I took my black pencil eyeliner and wrote it on my bathroom mirror. Thank you for blessing me and my son. Bless you and everyone back.

LaFemme

Personally, I'm a big fan of gallows humor, so it doesn't bother me:-D

CarolD

When dealing with low self esteem ...caused by drinking
my psychiatrist suggested I use those yellow Post It notes
I stuck them on mirrors in my apartment.

'You look super" "I love you" "Yes! You Can"

When I paid the weekly cleaning woman
she gave me a hug ..."I like you too Ms. D."

Dee74

Welcome to SR Wow
D

artsoul

Welcome, Wow! There's nothing like the fallout of a big drunk. I think the mental/emotional part is worse than the physical actually, but I too was starting to have really bad hangovers that felt different the last months I drank.

I'm so glad you decided to join us - it really helps to have support available 24/7 when we need it. You're not alone, and you're not a bad person for doing this, OK? Give yourself some credit for all the times you didn't drink, and just fortify yourself for a wonderful new start.

wow1323

Mr. Serious, I love what you wrote!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wilde10

Wow... I am not using AA.. I am very early in my recovery, but I understand what AA means by HP because of my pregnancies.. I do not know if it was the same for you, but for those glorious 9 months the obsession for drinking was gone. I was not fighting it. It was not there. Then came breastfeeding and then a bit of wine here and there was OK, because there is evidence of how much alcohol passes to the milk and a glass or two after feeding were fine. And then came the 'ocassional' binges... Would express the milk and feed the baby formula because of that birthday party or it was a wedding, etc. I eventually stop breastfeeding partly because I wanted to drink without all that planning, and expressing milk. I kept it for 8 and 11 months respectivley for my two children. And then the old patterns were back in a minute.

I mean, I had been pregnant and breastfeeding for about 18 months each time. I certainly deserved a reward (=catching up on the alcohol I did not drink)...

I do not know how it works for you - I wish I could find the kind of strength that made it so easy during pregnancy. It is great that you had that blessing in disguise so early instead of fooling yourself into being a normal drinker just overdoing it for a while to compensate all those dry months. I am sure you will find support here...

Carol, you really made me laugh with the notes...:rotfxko

wow1323

Wilde10, Yup, being preggers and not drinking was NO BIG DEAL!!! I was taking care of my baby. I waited so long to have a child there was no way I was going to bring harm to him. I actually didn't even realize I had a "problem" or that my babys father did until I was sober and pregnant. Things got so bad because he was still drinking and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Did I use to behave like that as well? I was sickened. I was also very emotional due to hormones while pregnant and sobriety surfes (sp) everything stuffed down. I had to kick my boyfriend out while I was only 4 months pregnant; due to his drinking and cheating. It was a nightmare. I cried for 3 months and told no-one. I kept the deep dark secret of sloppy decision makings on my part and this man. I was embaressed plus my heart was actually broken. I was 37 years old and had fallen in love for the first time in my life and was pregnant; heart broken alone, and sober.............This is why I say (WOW) after all I have been through and I'm still standing.

Wilde10

you have certainly earned your 'wow' denomination... You quit drinking you had to ditch your partner and father of a future baby, continue pregancy, childbirth, the revolution that comes with it... and keeping all this to yourself.

I do not know how it is honestly - I have had the luck of a good partner but I have wondered so many times how single parents can make it. Just bringing up a child and keeping him/her alive is a daunting task.

You have been able to see what you were doing to yourself and you can see it now when you do not need to restart a new life without drinking because you have already done that part for a while. Remember, as many say around here, there is no problem that drinking cannot make worse.

Ah... Be proud of yourself. You have done incredible things already

wow1323

Wilde 10, Thank you. Last month I started therapy and it has helped tremendously. You are right parenting is a team effort and I'm the only 1 on the team. I struggle everyday to be the best mom I can, but some days I think I could of done better. Sometimes I get real scared and worry all the time about everything and nothing. I like what you said, about drinking just makes every problem worse.