Kmber2010

Hey Everybody -

Knew it was coming and I am being proactive here as I can. Hubby was sent on his first mission since my relapse. Yes, its part of the job....military life....yada yada. He is going to a dangerous destination and will be gone? Who knows as that is how missions of his are.....no dates. Hopefully soon.

Last time you all know too well that I had a massive bender that almost killed me. I am on task but of course my ugly old friend - anxiety - is back. Trying to get to me....making me feel negative and like I am out of control.

I am fighting it which thank you sweet Lord, I am sober because last time I wasn't. I am keeping it at bay and know that it will pass in a few days. I have a session with my counselor this Thursday so that will help but need to stay focused here.

Even though I am strong, have over 3 months under my belt.....the alcoholic mind is still effing there. For the first time.....I had a glimpse guys. A fast forward to going to store to buy booze. I won't don't worry but the thought in itself scared the crap out of me. Kimmy running to her old vice.

I really can't tell you all how much I hate being an alcoholic. I am always on guard and ready for battle. When anxiety comes up is when I get weak. Not wanting a drink or craving it.....but thinking please let this stop....make this go away.

I hope you all don't mind but I really need some support here. I have stayed with my recovery because I have learned from my past. I know that anytime I am mentally weak or vulnerable that the alcoholic side of me will tempt me with an escape......a total oblivion.

Of course I have walked the line so I know how horrid life is when I drink but I need you guys.

Thankfully the anxiety is fleeting since I have learned breathing techniques and what not to handle them so they don't spiral out of control.

Damn mind of mine though is trying to play the card with me that I am yet again all alone, with nothing....blah blah.

Just by writing this out to all of you helped me through the initial anxiety.

Huggs and thank you SR for not judging me for being a nutjob. I just know the not so nice side of me trying to pull me towards a drink and this is where people in my life don't understand. They would freak out right now thinking.....there she goes back to the bottle when in truth it is called reaching for help.

eddie73

Hi Kim, thinking about u but u must listen to someone at the coalface of withdrawal. The thought of a single drink would cause me to retch. I thought I needed a general anasthetic yesterday to escape from my hangover. Not good. Im sure your husband will give you all the support you need thru letters, the internet or skype. Hope u get thru the urges, the consequences are hellish if you give in

Kmber2010

Huggs Eddie. Thx. I know better and never want to go back.

blue2

Hi Kim,
I totally understand how your anxiety about your husband being sent away on a military mission will affect you. But please remember that although there are news reports everyday of soldiers being lost in combat, the news agency only report bad events, 99.9% of soldiers do return to their loved ones.
You seem to be based in Germany, is there any support available from other wives there or if your religious maybe from a pastor?
As far as keeping your sobriety in place (well done on 100 days), do you really want your husband to return to to someone who has more consideration for the bottle than for him. Please keep posting.
Best regards, Pete.

NEOMARXIST

Hi kim.

My life and situation is obviously very different to yours so I won't really try to offer anything other than saying thanks for reaching out for help. That's what is important, getting it all out and be open and honest where you are at. That in itself often helps.

All I will add is that try to not resent you being an alcoholic if at all possible. Do you resent being an alcoholic because it means that you can't drink? I think if you are still viewing alcohol as being the solution to relieving your pain/anxiety then your hatred of being an alcoholic might be that you are still viewing it as a solution but know that you can't because you know that you're an alcoholic.

I might be way off here and please don't take offence or anything. I am merely trying to throw something outthere for you to maybe try to take a different perspective on your alcoholism. Like I say I can't imagine what you're going through as it isn't my life experince but I can appreciate it must be very difficult.

When I started to get full of anxiety and thoughts of drinking popped up I went right back to basics ie- one second/minute/day at a time. Just don't pick up that first drink 'just for today'. Also I think the counselling is good. Maybe try to get some more face to face support in whatever that may entail. Let it all out on SR too. Always keep posting and expressing where you're at. Don't be afraid. It is the strong thing to do.

Thanks for posting Kim. You will get through this and come out so much stronger for it. Also try to say the serenity prayer and stuff like that when you're struggling, I used to find it helps. I ain't religious at all but I can relate it logically to life.

peace

Impurrfect

((((Kim))) - when I first got clean and got those awful thoughts of using, I got in the habit of saying "not an option...next!" with "next" being a cue to distract myself and often to remember why I got clean in the first place. Crack had long since ceased being "fun" before I quit, and I still vividly remember the feelings of loathing, self-hatred, and knowing that I had hurt the ones I love.

I had to say it a million times a day, at first, but it soon became automatic. Now, when the occasional thought comes up, my mind is like "yeah, whatever...THAT certainly isn't going to fix anything" and I immediately think of something else.

I don't know if this will help you, any, but it really helped me a lot.

I'm glad you came here and reached out. GREAT job on having over 3 months sober!!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Kmber2010

Thx guys and Neo I totally appreciate what your saying I am so grateful I am sober because I can think again. I don't resent being an alcoholic because I can't drink per se but rather that I look to drinking when I am weak. That is what really angers me and the fact that before my drinking became full fledged in my upper 20s that I couldn't tell you what anxiety was or what a panic attack was. It wasn't until 2008 when I was endless benders that I hit my first bout of anxiety. Shame on me for thinking they were some made up thing prior to.

Anxiety is coming and going but cutting them off by keeping busy. Thankfully lots of cleaning here .

cat1961

First of all, congrats on the three months! That's quite an accomplishment. I was there a few times in the past and obviously slipped since I'm on day "lucky" 13. But I feel great being sober.

When you get those anxiety attacks and/or urge to drink, just remember a drink will do nothing but make you depressed and feel like crap with a hangover.

I'm sure your Thurs appt will get you back into the swing of things and forget about those awful urges.

Best of luck to you Kim!

least

Congrats and hugs on your sober time! I hope you can get thru the anxiety and changes and stay sober. You CAN do this.

LaFemme

First of all Kim, I would like to thank you and your husband for serving, many people don't realize that military spouses serve to. It takes a special kind of strength to be married to a person whose job puts them in harms way. You and your husband make your country proud!

Congratulations on 100 days, I am thinking that it is easier for your husband to do his job knowing that you have been doing so well in recovery.

The way I see it, remind yourself that were you to drink, it will not actually take away the very real fear you have for your husband, nor will it make him safer or you happier. The best thing you can do for him is to stay strong in your recovery. Oh, and it's the best thing you can do for yourself to!

God bless you and your husband, I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.

xo!

Anna

Kmber,

Good for you for getting this far and for recognizing that you may be vulnerable.

I use breathing techniques for anxiety too. I have found that simply labelling the feelings as anxiety, helps me. I know that the emotions are just emotions. They are not me and they don't control me. Music helps me a lot too. I can't afford to wallow in the negative feelings, and neither can you. We're here to support each other.

Kmber2010

Thanks again everyone. You guys are really helping me and Anna you are dead on about the not dwelling piece. I know what this is and I am can handle it (voice to self)

I just made something to eat and force that down while watching something. One of my biggest problems is that I don't eat when I get upset or anxious. Weird but it has always been a problem of mine. Nausea, etc.

All everyone is so right about letting the hubby down. I know there is part of him worried after what happened last time so that is just another reason to remain focused here.

So here i go to force some food down and since I haven't eaten a drop all day it is not good vibes for me being PG. I have to eat now. No matter how upset I am.

Just staying the course and trying to relax and breath it through.

LaFemme

Try not to get hungry...even if it's just broth, get something in your tummy:-)

Kerbcrawler

HI kmber...i think what your going through is pretty much what most of us are going through, avoiding the pitfalls, of that old convincing/kniving, companion of bad habit, that keeps us trapped in the darkness of addiction..stay strong, am on about the same sober time as you, and getting better at dealing with the triggers,temptations of old, anticipating the danger zones,that may entice me, and of course pple and locations,i need to be wary of, or indeed avoid,i think it takes practice at treading a sober life again, after being under the cosh for so long, had to laugh with your line..thank you sr for not judging me of being a nutjob... an heres me thinkin i was the only one thinkin this... about me.

RobertHugh

Kim--

The alcoholic's problem is not drinking, it's sobriety. We have a spiritual malady that we treat with alcohol-- until it stops working. When we stop, we render ourselves completely powerless over the way we feel. Removing the alcohol often makes it worse, and does not treat the fundamental problem. Abstinence without a psychic change is not maintainable for the true alcoholic. The mental obsession to pick up a drink--- even after the physical craving has subsided-- will always remain.

So how do we change? We work the 12 steps. There is no reason to wait. We work them with someone out of our text book-- the AA Big Book-- with the desperation of a drowning person.

Too often, AA celebrates abstinence and abstinence alone. It's why we count days, weeks, months and years. The only barometer of success is continued abstinence.

I've learned-- the hard way-- that I cannot sustain abstinence-- white knuckling my way through days-- without changing. I found relief by working the 12 steps with a sponsor, directly out of the Big Book. It brought me to the truth of my powerlessness-- and sanity. It's relief for the way you feel by connecting you with a power greater than yourself.

I encourage you not to wait, not to believe that the only step you have to get right is the First Step. It's the most dangerous thing anyone can ever say to an alcoholic.

Good luck. Feel free to reach out to me if you want to know more, or tell me that I'm annoying.

Bob

LexieCat

Yeah, the anxiety really feeds itself if you let it. We start getting anxious about being anxious.

Try some meditation--the breathing you were talking about. Try to be still and just let the thoughts come up without judging them, just label them and, as Amy said, "Next!"

We need to maintain a healthy fear of drinking, but also to build confidence that we have the tools to stay away from that first drink.

I also find going to meetings a good way to get out of my own circular thoughts when they come.

AWOL

Dear Kim
Your quote by Emerson is similar to mine by Yogananda. The point is, you may perceive yourself as weak, but actually you are strong and you've proved that with the three months. It doesn't matter where you come from, strength builds on strength and it creates the conditions for strengthening others. Just by posting here you have already helped others. When I've felt anxious or had the urge to drink I've found it helpful to think of the few times this has happened before and how, in time, that urge or compulsion starts disintegrating and evaporates altogether. It also helps at this particular juncture to have another look at PAWS and see what the effect of just a couple of drinks would be on your withdrawal process or "clean" time. Quite frankly, it's devastating, and it really ain't worth it.
Good luck ... and right on!

BobGT

Hi Kim,

I'm sorry you are going through a rough period. I would think that anxiety would be common for military spouses. Does the military have a counselor or some other type of help-person that you could talk to before Thursday?

Best wishes.

CarolD

Kim......
congratulations on your sober time!

My youngest Grandson recently returned from his 2nd Army
tour of duty in Afghanistan. He was there for 2
years out of the past 3.

What helped me the most? Prayer and I avoided the
media TV coverage. ...

You have so much to look forward to with the coming
of your much wanted precious baby.
Please try to focus on your health.
That is simply your priority for now.

Blessings to the 3 of you.....

Reubena

Hi Kim,

Thanks for such an honest post... I'll be sending positive thoughts your (and your husband's) way. Anxiety sucks... Glad that we are sober to deal with it constructively. Big hugs (and huggs ) to you. Keep posting, love to read what's on your mind... It helps all of us.