Tealvertigo

Sorry this is in the wrong place, I'm not sure where else to post it.

My dad isn't an addict, I am. The addiction I am trying to conquer at this point is my spending addiction. I am past my drug abuse and I feel good about that, despite being depressed about it once in a while.

My dad divorced my mom when I was 9. I was quickly involved in a false relationship with my stepfather under pressure. He was an alcoholic and was mentally and verbally abusive, often calling me names, rarely praising me, and asking me about private things and then exploding when I refused to answer. He once asked me how many times a day I masturbated, and what I thought about. When I refused to answer, he got angry and swung his fist at the air. He drank afterwards.

Through this, Dad says he really cared but he never flew out to visit and only fought with my mom. He didn't call much, and when we visited him, he seemed to care more about his own things. I loved my dad so much, and I still do, and I refused to believe he wasn't there for me as much as I needed him to be.

I began using drugs at the age of 17, because my emotions were too powerful. I stole my mom's Oxycodone and Vicodin, and used my grandmother's Codeine. Dad was crying on the phone and yelling at me when I wound up in the hospital, but he didn't come to visit me. When I visited him a few days later, he only scolded me.

Dad never really acknowledged that I had any addictions.

I went to register for my classes a few days ago at a state university I was accepted into. I was so excited and proud of myself until I realized that dad had not texted or called me about it until I sent the first text. When I texted him, he only asked if I went alone (without mom and grandma), and didn't even ask if I enjoyed myself. I felt like crap and wound up falling asleep on the hotel bed in the afternoon because I refused to cry or yell or punch the pillows.

I love my dad unconditionally. I see the potential and blessing in having him in my life even though my mom and sister have basically disowned him. I need him. I want him to love me and approve of me, but to this day I don't remember him telling him he was proud. I don't remember the last time he called me without either returning one of my calls or being told by someone else to call. I see him on occasion, and then, he only criticises me about my weight or asks me what mom is doing.

I really don't know what to do. I feel like I really made him wish I were never born. I feel like crying without anyone to talk to about it.

I just don't know what to do. I thought I was really strong all along, but I feel like a child.

ladyamalthea

Have you ever tried confronting your dad with the vibe he sends your way? Is it possible that he doesn't quite know exactly what you need from him, seeing as how he wasn't exactly around for all that time? Could he perhaps not realize you actually want to have a close relationship?

Tealvertigo

I wrote him an email expressing my concerns and my desire to meet with him. I hope that helps, but I have otherwise been expressive all along. I'm not sure if he gets everything but I am confident he isn't completely in the dark.

ladyamalthea

I can only imagine how painful this must be, but for some reason it just seems like maybe the full picture isn't coming through somehow. Maybe your dad's behavior has nothing to do with you personally.

Either way, if you've sent him that email, the ball is in his court.

I've had to learn over the past few years that actions of others don't necessarily have anything to do with me, regardless of whether I feel they were meant that way. People, by nature, are generally self-centered, and most of their actions revolve more around themselves than other people. Try to remind yourself that this is clearly a problem on his end that he has to work out.

In the meantime, how are you personally doing? What steps are you taking to get ready for school? You've got the whole world in front of you, please don't allow his poor behavior to keep you from doing what you want to do in life.

Dee74

Hi Teal

I spent most of my life looking for approval from my parents.

I eventually gave up on that - and the strangest thing happened - in living my life right, in setting boundaries, and standing firm on what I believe in, our relationship is...far fom perfect...but its the best it's ever been.

It wasn't an overnight thing - but I wasn't doing all this life rebuilding for them... I was doing it for me.

The fact that we get along ok now is a nice bonus, but it's just a bonus. The real gift is what I've given myself.

Be who you are, TV - and be the best you can...not everyone will love you for it, but those who do will stick by you.

D

dollydo

My father wanted a boy, someone he could go fishing with...that's what he told me...I countered with "You don't fish". I told him that he could adopt my cousin, the alcoholic if he wanted a boy, and that he could go bail him out of jail whenever he wanted to fish with him!

That's the way it was, couldn't change it, I wasn't a boy and I was his only child, what a disappointment I was!

I had to accept the truth, no matter what I did, it would never be enough. So I gave up, saw him when I could, but, kept him at arms length.

Went through 62 years of that relationship, he died in February, I was the only one with him, my cousin was sitting at home drinking beer.

What a waste, but, that was his decision, not mine.

Forge ahead be the best person you can be for you, no need to keep spinning your wheels trying to get your parents approval, it is either there or it's not!

Be proud of your accomplishments and enjoy your life!

Tealvertigo

Thanks for all the heart-felt responses. I appreciate every one of them.

I feel a bit better today. I think that a good night's sleep always helps. I'll discuss more later when I hear back from dad.

EveningRose

Live your own life, be proud of your own accomplishments. He may never be the father you want, and that doesn't reflect on you. Reach out to people who will build you up.

tabfan

Dear Teal,

When I started reading your post about your addiction to spending money, I thought "Wow, now THIS I gotta read!" Although you didn't expound on your addiction to spending money, I take it you have conquered your most blaring addictions, whether they be drugs or alcohol, or both. That is good. Great, in fact! Bravo for you! Congratulations on giving yourself the gift of sobriety and serenity!

The folks that have written here are exactly right in MY opinion. They say you are looking for approval from your father. You are not going to get it. And, again, that is only "my opinion". It would behoove you to let go of that fairytale. I believe God himself would tell you that! You don't need your parent's approval to prove your value in this world. God has given you value. You are valuable. You are a precious child. Although you are an adult on the outside, I believe we all have a "child" within us. The person we abandoned years ago. That's the most important lesson I've learned since I started learning about A.C.O.A. The good people in the A.C.O.A. meetings told me that when I was a tiny, little child, life became too painful and so another part of me (I call that other persona "the controller") took over and became the achiever. At least in my life, I can say I became a "human doing" and not a "human being". I wanted to BE SOMEBODY so that I would gain value (not realizing I already had it). I wanted to graduate college, get a great job, get married, have the perfect family that would be proud to have me as a parent. I wanted the community to see my value! I guess I thought if I had their approval, then I really "would" be somebody!

It's taken me years to be-friend that small little child within me. I had to learn how to do some meditation where I imagined I was talking to that little kid. That "child" that was inside of me is the "little me" who I had abandoned so long ago! That child was just hiding, trying desperately to get someone to love me and appreciate me. I know it must sound like "psycho-babble" but I swear to you, it is NOT. I came from the family of two alcoholic parents. The insanity of living in that household came with all the abuse you could imagine. I have had to fight depression and self-esteem issues ever since. And, I can testify to you that IT WORKS, IF YOU WORK IT. You have to be willing to dig and uncover what happened. No matter how long it takes, you are worth it. You are worth the effort.

Seaglass

Hi Teal, sounds to me like you are in the right place; you grew up, at least partially, in the "care" of an alcoholic, regardless of whether he was your biological father or not.

The more I learn about ACOA, and the more I read about others' experiences here, the more I know that I am not alone, and I find comfort in this. Especially when I am feeling very low about myself and about my place, my right to be, in the world.

In my own experience, I grew up being told by my alcoholic mother that I ruined her life, that she should have aborted me, that she should have taken my biological father up on his offer to trade me for a new car when I was an infant (not because he wanted me, but because his parents did). Thus I grew up with this pervasive feeling, deep, deep down that I should never have been born, that there is something terribly wrong with me.

Of course, I recognize that I always secretly felt this way due to growing up in an alcoholic home, but some days I still feel like cr4p anyway, regardless.

My own mother is so far gone that I can't see our relationship improving. But in my estimation, that isn't the point anyway. As others have pointed out. We feel "X" way about ourselves, and we need to find a way to give ourselves permission to find peace with ourselves. And this is something only we can allow ourselves. I think we have to realize that this has everything to do with us and how we feel and think, and nothing to do with our parents. I know it sounds absurd, because they've hurt us so much. But I feel at least that I can't depend on outside validation, especially from an alcoholic chaotic parent, to validate my right to be here and be happy and find peace with myself. I'm working on it though, and I suspect if you're here, you're trying to work on yourself some, too. Hang in there.

tabfan

It's okay to be angry, but only if it does NOT hurt you or anyone else.