new beginning??????? MY HP'd moments today
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 33
new beginning??????? MY HP'd moments today
Well for those of you following my posts......EBF texted last night to say "I'll give ya a call here a little later, my Aunt is in ER and my granma is all upset-to top it off the back light went out on my cell and the only way I can read the texts is if I'm in the dark." I texted him back and said I hoped everything worked out ok, and that he could call but I prefer we talk f2f and felt I deserved that much.
Of course he didn't text or call. I did see where he deleted a comment I had wrote on his FB wall about missing him-guess he didn't want "her" to see it.
Today, the heat index was over 115 and we were advised to stay inside. I got up early and decided that today was the day I would climb Evitts Mt, get to the top and toss the marble heart stone I had gotten him at the ocean over the edge( he FORGOT im sure he'd say and left that behind on the headboard), no matter what it took I was on a mission.
I started the 5mile hike up some pretty rugged terain with a prayer.....asking God to please let me see what I needed to see, etc etc etc. I have found most of my best moments in seeing His will for me are when I am in the woods. I needed to think, I needed to do this, and toss "him" away with the stone, no matter how hot it got.
About four miles into the hike I was ready to faint, so dizzy and so very tired. The fibro was flairing bad and I was scared that I'd made a mistake and went alone, and that I might not make it back ok, more yet I was aggirvated that my HP wasn't there talking to me.
I put my hand on my walking stick, my forehead on my hand and prayed to God to help me make it-I knew I was only a mile from the top-but knew it was the hardest-I'd been there before. As my head was on my stick looking at the ground I SAW IT.......all so very clearly.......MY FEET! I remembered being told in alanon to look at them and trust I am right where I'm meant to be. I walked a few more steps, couldn't breathe and was dizzy again. Looked at the trail ahead knowing I was close, and looked behind me knowing it was a HARD 4 miles back. I put my head down on the stick again gasping for air (I have asthma to boot and forgot my breather) and then got back up. I watched my feet as I did so and realized that if I just looked at them and where we were, in today, here and now I was ok, but if I looked ahead I was faint, dizzy and scared. And it worked and on I went.
As several people passed me by I was getting angry...thinking I came here on a mission and now they are going to beat me to the top-that's just great-I want to be where they are.........and again another HP'd moment.......I realized that I would get there now, at MY OWN PACE, and they'd get there at theirs. I realized I can't make anyone move at my pace, or hold them back (EXBF) and that we all have to do life at a pace we are comfy with. Again I moved on.
When I reached the top I was greeted by the best breeze ever and the view of a lifetime, and sat down and opened my hope for today........."the breeze" blew it to a page that was all about focusing on me and how that was what I needed to do and not obsess and try to control others,that then I'd be ok, better. I knew it was my HP speaking again.
I headed back down the trail still with the stone with the word HOPE carved on it......eBF left it behind but I think I'll hold onto it.
Came home, sat down and emailed the EXBF one final email......all focused with I feelings and no finger pointing and then told him I had to let go and move on whether he gave me closure or not....then went out and turned my cell off-turns out I do NOT want to talk to him-just for today-but still.
Thanks for letting me share and caring and listening.......went to my F2F meeting last night and shared and cried(as much as I am capable of) and sooo many people held me and comforted me.....exbf may not care, and may not think I deserve closure or any answers, but alot of other people genuinely care and I am soooo very blessed.......
Thank you all for your continued support as I fight to get off and stay off the merry go round......
Of course he didn't text or call. I did see where he deleted a comment I had wrote on his FB wall about missing him-guess he didn't want "her" to see it.
Today, the heat index was over 115 and we were advised to stay inside. I got up early and decided that today was the day I would climb Evitts Mt, get to the top and toss the marble heart stone I had gotten him at the ocean over the edge( he FORGOT im sure he'd say and left that behind on the headboard), no matter what it took I was on a mission.
I started the 5mile hike up some pretty rugged terain with a prayer.....asking God to please let me see what I needed to see, etc etc etc. I have found most of my best moments in seeing His will for me are when I am in the woods. I needed to think, I needed to do this, and toss "him" away with the stone, no matter how hot it got.
About four miles into the hike I was ready to faint, so dizzy and so very tired. The fibro was flairing bad and I was scared that I'd made a mistake and went alone, and that I might not make it back ok, more yet I was aggirvated that my HP wasn't there talking to me.
I put my hand on my walking stick, my forehead on my hand and prayed to God to help me make it-I knew I was only a mile from the top-but knew it was the hardest-I'd been there before. As my head was on my stick looking at the ground I SAW IT.......all so very clearly.......MY FEET! I remembered being told in alanon to look at them and trust I am right where I'm meant to be. I walked a few more steps, couldn't breathe and was dizzy again. Looked at the trail ahead knowing I was close, and looked behind me knowing it was a HARD 4 miles back. I put my head down on the stick again gasping for air (I have asthma to boot and forgot my breather) and then got back up. I watched my feet as I did so and realized that if I just looked at them and where we were, in today, here and now I was ok, but if I looked ahead I was faint, dizzy and scared. And it worked and on I went.
As several people passed me by I was getting angry...thinking I came here on a mission and now they are going to beat me to the top-that's just great-I want to be where they are.........and again another HP'd moment.......I realized that I would get there now, at MY OWN PACE, and they'd get there at theirs. I realized I can't make anyone move at my pace, or hold them back (EXBF) and that we all have to do life at a pace we are comfy with. Again I moved on.
When I reached the top I was greeted by the best breeze ever and the view of a lifetime, and sat down and opened my hope for today........."the breeze" blew it to a page that was all about focusing on me and how that was what I needed to do and not obsess and try to control others,that then I'd be ok, better. I knew it was my HP speaking again.
I headed back down the trail still with the stone with the word HOPE carved on it......eBF left it behind but I think I'll hold onto it.
Came home, sat down and emailed the EXBF one final email......all focused with I feelings and no finger pointing and then told him I had to let go and move on whether he gave me closure or not....then went out and turned my cell off-turns out I do NOT want to talk to him-just for today-but still.
Thanks for letting me share and caring and listening.......went to my F2F meeting last night and shared and cried(as much as I am capable of) and sooo many people held me and comforted me.....exbf may not care, and may not think I deserve closure or any answers, but alot of other people genuinely care and I am soooo very blessed.......
Thank you all for your continued support as I fight to get off and stay off the merry go round......
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Wow! To tackle a physical challenge like that requires amazing inner strength. I love that you got it from your HP, that you listened and followed, that you acknowledged the gift you were being offered. Thanks for sharing your story with us - it is awesome!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I admire your strength and purpose, and feel that the learning you had today during this journey, will be with you to strengthen you whenever you may need that in future.
May you listen for, and hear your HP and be one with them.
God bless
May you listen for, and hear your HP and be one with them.
God bless
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