Brother Using Heroin/Meth- Kicked out of house
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Brother Using Heroin/Meth- Kicked out of house
Well my Brother is 19 years old and he is really addicted to heroin/meth at the moment. He told my Mom he uses them together about 8 times per day, every day. He's also much, much worse then he was even last year when he was using heroin each day.
Just the other day, my Brother was living at home and my Parents gave him a choice: you either go to rehab or you can't live here. So he left and moved out. My question though is this: I know my Parents are trying to use the "tough love" approach right now and every expert out there agrees that this is the right way to handle things, but I'm concerned my Parents still might be enabling a litte bit?
Two days ago, my Brother comes home randomly at like 10 in the morning, takes a shower, changes into clean clothes, and then leaves. My Mom also told me she gave him a sandwhich and an Outback steakhouse gift card.
So my question is this: Should my Parents allow him to come home every now and then to take a shower/get food/change clothes, even if it's for like 15 minutes? Or should they keep him out no matter what at all times, until he's ready for rehab? Also, he has a valuable computer in his room that is still up there, and I know he will be back for that sooner then later. What should my Parents policy be in regards to letting him take the computer? Should they just box it up and put it in the garage for him to take it if he wants?
Just trying to see how to handle this, and I will relay the information back to my Parents. Thanks for the help!
Just the other day, my Brother was living at home and my Parents gave him a choice: you either go to rehab or you can't live here. So he left and moved out. My question though is this: I know my Parents are trying to use the "tough love" approach right now and every expert out there agrees that this is the right way to handle things, but I'm concerned my Parents still might be enabling a litte bit?
Two days ago, my Brother comes home randomly at like 10 in the morning, takes a shower, changes into clean clothes, and then leaves. My Mom also told me she gave him a sandwhich and an Outback steakhouse gift card.
So my question is this: Should my Parents allow him to come home every now and then to take a shower/get food/change clothes, even if it's for like 15 minutes? Or should they keep him out no matter what at all times, until he's ready for rehab? Also, he has a valuable computer in his room that is still up there, and I know he will be back for that sooner then later. What should my Parents policy be in regards to letting him take the computer? Should they just box it up and put it in the garage for him to take it if he wants?
Just trying to see how to handle this, and I will relay the information back to my Parents. Thanks for the help!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
wow ABC. Sorry to hear about your brother. I can't imagine how he's even functioning. I don't know what to tell you about your parents. Just like your brother they are going to have to make their own choices and come to their own conclusions about what they do and don't do for your brother.
You may be able to provide them with some guidance though...
Have you thought about trying to get them to an al-anon meeting or a coda meeting? Or maybe even getting them to visit this website so they can meet other parents who are in similar situations as them. Perhaps you can pick up a copy of codependent no more at the local library and ask your mom if she's interested in reading it.
How are YOU handling your brother's addiction? Do you still live at home? It must be tough on you to watch your brother do that to himself and accept that you cannot change him.
You may be able to provide them with some guidance though...
Have you thought about trying to get them to an al-anon meeting or a coda meeting? Or maybe even getting them to visit this website so they can meet other parents who are in similar situations as them. Perhaps you can pick up a copy of codependent no more at the local library and ask your mom if she's interested in reading it.
How are YOU handling your brother's addiction? Do you still live at home? It must be tough on you to watch your brother do that to himself and accept that you cannot change him.
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty 
wow ABC. Sorry to hear about your brother. I can't imagine how he's even functioning. I don't know what to tell you about your parents. Just like your brother they are going to have to make their own choices and come to their own conclusions about what they do and don't do for your brother.
You may be able to provide them with some guidance though...
Have you thought about trying to get them to an al-anon meeting or a coda meeting? Or maybe even getting them to visit this website so they can meet other parents who are in similar situations as them. Perhaps you can pick up a copy of codependent no more at the local library and ask your mom if she's interested in reading it.
How are YOU handling your brother's addiction? Do you still live at home? It must be tough on you to watch your brother do that to himself and accept that you cannot change him.
You may be able to provide them with some guidance though...
Have you thought about trying to get them to an al-anon meeting or a coda meeting? Or maybe even getting them to visit this website so they can meet other parents who are in similar situations as them. Perhaps you can pick up a copy of codependent no more at the local library and ask your mom if she's interested in reading it.
How are YOU handling your brother's addiction? Do you still live at home? It must be tough on you to watch your brother do that to himself and accept that you cannot change him.
It's been incredibly tough on my Parents and it is heartbreaking to watch. I am 25 years old and I am the oldest sibling in the family, and yes right now I do live at home because I was going to college, and it is very intense to handle.
I do accept and know there is nothing I can personally do at the moment to change my Brother, but I am very focused on doing everything possible to help him. I am really interested in knowing what my Parents should be doing now in order to help my Brother. All of the experts agree that "tough love" is the best approach, I'm just wondering how does that work in this scenario? Do they cut off all contact or is that too extreme?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
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Originally Posted by abc12345
Just the other day, my Brother was living at home and my Parents gave him a choice: you either go to rehab or you can't live here. So he left and moved out.
Yes, having him come in to shower, eat, etc. is enabling him.
I would suggest they get involved with SR and/or Alanon or Naranon for themselves as well.
Remember you can tell them all about addiction and setting/sticking to boundaries but they too have to be ready.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
i agree, ABC, this has to be tough for everybody. your parents are going to have to figure out what their limits are......they got him out of the house and that HAD to be hard!
sounds like you've had to watch this for a while now. are YOU doing ok?
oh and
sounds like you've had to watch this for a while now. are YOU doing ok?
oh and
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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How about you go to that meeting WITH your mom? Maybe that will inspire her. one meeting is a start but there are a lot of steps in the detachment process. It doesn't happen overnight.
Addiction is a family disease - meaning the whole family dynamic becomes dysfunctional when there is an addict in the house.
We ALL need support, you included, and we can't be strong all the time. Who's been supporting you while your parents have been dealing with your brother?
Addiction is a family disease - meaning the whole family dynamic becomes dysfunctional when there is an addict in the house.
We ALL need support, you included, and we can't be strong all the time. Who's been supporting you while your parents have been dealing with your brother?
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty
How about you go to that meeting WITH your mom? Maybe that will inspire her. one meeting is a start but there are a lot of steps in the detachment process. It doesn't happen overnight.
Addiction is a family disease - meaning the whole family dynamic becomes dysfunctional when there is an addict in the house.
We ALL need support, you included, and we can't be strong all the time. Who's been supporting you while your parents have been dealing with your brother?
Addiction is a family disease - meaning the whole family dynamic becomes dysfunctional when there is an addict in the house.
We ALL need support, you included, and we can't be strong all the time. Who's been supporting you while your parents have been dealing with your brother?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Sacramento, CA
Posts: 12
I believe hello-kitty was refering as to your own support system (family and/or friends). People you who can listen, encourage and support you through these hard times. Its important you keep taking care of yourself.
Tough love doesn't mean you or your parents don't love your brother, but because they do (and you as well), it is time to set him free. Let him face the consequences of his own acts and decisions.
Tough love doesn't mean you or your parents don't love your brother, but because they do (and you as well), it is time to set him free. Let him face the consequences of his own acts and decisions.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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Yes. Exactly. It's important that we have our own support system and that we take care of ourselves first. If I don't take care of myself first, I can't take care of anyone else.
That's all. :-) but I still think it would be nice if you took your mom to that meeting. Encouragement from her son would be a good thing (speaking as the mother of a son...)
That's all. :-) but I still think it would be nice if you took your mom to that meeting. Encouragement from her son would be a good thing (speaking as the mother of a son...)
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by cynical one
Yes they are still enabling, but they are doing what makes them feel comfortable. We let go in degrees...not all at once. If he purchased the computer with his money then if he wants it to use, pawn, or sell that's his choice.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Hey there.
Your post really speaks to me because you and I have a common denominator: a sibling who is an addict. My sister is the heroin addict in my family. I've been dealing with this for five years now, and I hope something in my experiences will help you.
The best thing you can do for anyone right now is focus on yourself. I tried so hard to save my parents from my sister's problems, and I learned the hard way that I was powerless and all I could do was sit back and watch them lose everything to her addiction. That drove me to seek out this forum, and it also finally has driven me to go to meetings, because that is where I get the support to cope with what is going on around me.
Those meetings everyone is suggesting are really the best thing you can do. You need to build yourself back up emotionally, so that if things get worse, you will be as prepared as you can be.
Keep coming here. Keep posting. We'll be here with you every step of the way.
And feel free to private message me anytime I can help.
Your post really speaks to me because you and I have a common denominator: a sibling who is an addict. My sister is the heroin addict in my family. I've been dealing with this for five years now, and I hope something in my experiences will help you.
The best thing you can do for anyone right now is focus on yourself. I tried so hard to save my parents from my sister's problems, and I learned the hard way that I was powerless and all I could do was sit back and watch them lose everything to her addiction. That drove me to seek out this forum, and it also finally has driven me to go to meetings, because that is where I get the support to cope with what is going on around me.
Those meetings everyone is suggesting are really the best thing you can do. You need to build yourself back up emotionally, so that if things get worse, you will be as prepared as you can be.
Keep coming here. Keep posting. We'll be here with you every step of the way.
And feel free to private message me anytime I can help.
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