vaya

My Addict Son opened my eyes at last today. He just got out of detox and my mom and I picked him up there to take him straight to the rehab he had planned to go to, per his previous rehab's advice. We were told it was best to go straight there. We did, but he had such an anxiety attack and told the nurse he didn't want to be there and would leave that it had everybody going, especially my mom and me. We tried to talk him in to trying it, at least for a few days, etc....but he kept saying he wasn't ready and wanted to take a day before going in. Rehab told me it was best for him to come back another day if he wasn't committed to going because if he left or asked to leave he wouldn't be able to come back for 6 months. Anyway...after much drama, cajoling, pleading, and trying to detach he finally got his way. If it wasn't for rehab saying he shouldn't come in until he was ready, etc.....and how he couldn't come back for 6 months I would have just left him there and told my mom to drive off. WOW. Yes we were manipulated, but again caught in the system...but especially caught in our own codependency and wanting to control his outcome. Big scenes in the car on the way back, me telling my mom to take him back there and let him figure it out, her leaving it up to him, me yelling how I'm sick of his behavior and the disease and how I can't take it anymore and won't. Can't be caught up in his prison of addiction and let it control my life. (Meanwhile, there we are being completely controlled by him with his drama, crying fits, threats of suicide, his punching himself in the face, saying how sick he was....) I suggested we take him to the local ER psych ward if her really felt that way, then he calmed a bit and my mom decided against it. Talk about an academy award performance. Anyway.....we get home where he says he just wants to sleep and chill and make plans to go tomorrow to rehab....goes outside to have a cigarette and leaves without any word. Do I think he just went to a meeting or for a walk to chill out? Hah! (BTW...he was so upset but he didn't forget to take his keys before I could get them from him) boy was I had and am I mad...at myself, at him, at rehab, at my mom...boy, and I thought I wasn't a victim of this codependent disease. He really got me good. But, I guess there is something to be said for the disease loved ones of addicts suffer from after all and it is just like the disease of addiction itself and what it takes to finally get it and begin to recover. You do finally get sick and tired of being sick and tired and then get help and do something to change things and give yourself a chance at a life. I know after this I have to and boy do I want to, even if he does have to be homeless and hate me for making him leave. I am willing to do what I have to do for him and for me. I really see how slick and sick the addict's behavior is, even after 9 days after detox.....nothing changed. The addict in him was completely in control and now he's responding to it like a robot. I thought maybe the things I said in the car about my not taking it anymore and about how he has to grow up and face things and stop running away in fear and by using drugs....etc...reached him. Guess it was just my wishful thinking. And to think that I thought there's nothing wrong with me just because my son is an addict. I can get through this..he'll go to rehab and everyone will live happily ever after....Damn!! so I wished. Had to vent this and share... need strength and encouragement to stick to my guns if (when) he comes back high. Do I wish and pray he just went for a walk to chill and tomorrow he'll go to rehab, of course I do. Unfortunately, another part of me if finally getting the reality that he may not and I'll can't continue to make it comfy and easy for him to stay here if he's going to keep using. This disease of addiction really does suck big time!! You just look at your son and see that he's completely consumed by a demon of addiction. God I want him back. This is soooo painful...and now I know I have to take more assertive action if he keeps using. I just don't want a scene and don't want him to trash the place. He's already broken a screen window to get in when he got accidentally locked out. I live in an apartment complex and I don't want to get evicted either. Should I give him the two days he wants to get into rehab and then tell him he has to go no matter what? Do I wait until he starts using again and then tell him to leave? God....I'm so mad at myself for just not insisting he stay there at the rehab and deal with whatever happens, even if he can't come back for 6 months, that's his problem. Why do they keep trying to make it mine? I think I should have made that stand then and there....at least he would have gotten a different message other than the fact that he won again. But the reality is...even if he won, he's the one that really loses. A

Freedom1990

Academy award winning performances don't phase me.

If it were me, he would no longer be allowed in my home.

He was given that inch, and took the mile in the end.

Let him figure it out for himself.

Give him the dignity to make his own choices, even if that means sleeping at a shelter.

Just my two cents.

ladyamalthea

(((vaya)))

Just wanted to offer my support. I'm sure others will come along with suggestions for what to do from here, and this is beyond my scope of experience. Hang in there.

hello-kitty

Wow. Your story left me breathless. How old is your son?

Whatever his age, you are right. He is playing you. And he continues too. And it doesn't sound like it's going to stop anytime in the near future - until you make some changes in your own life.

Do you have any boundaries about the kind of behavior you are willing to accept from the loved ones in your life and the people you allow in your home?

You might want to consider setting a few...

I like to write my boundaries down and put them some place I can see them and so can everyone else - like the refrigerator. It helps me stay true to them because they exist on a sheet of paper, and not just in my mind.

suki44883

Sorry, but I don't remember your son's age. If he is an adult, you can't make him stay at rehab. If he is a minor, you can, but then again, the rehab was right in that if he doesn't want to be there, he's not going to get any good out of it.

Do you have any male relatives or good friends, preferably large ones? If it were me, and I had some, I'd have them be there when I tell him he has to leave. I would not wait until you are positive he has used again. I would make him pack a bag and leave. Then, I would change the locks and inform the office of what is going on so they can have security keep an eye on your apartment.

He is out of control and I do believe he could be dangerous to be around. Take care of yourself and do whatever is necessary to keep yourself safe, even if you have to stay somewhere else for a few days. If all else fails, I would get the police involved. I truly believe the situation is that serious.

dollydo

Wow! What a performance, he should use those techniques and hit the broadway circuit!

My gut tells me it's tomorrow or rehab is not going to happen!

I wouldn't give him a day longer, take it or leave it! If he doesn't go, I'd change the locks and when he goes out again to do drugs, that's where he can stay until he seeks recovery. If he breaks the screen to get in, call the cops.

Do you want to drive the car or sit in the back seat and let him drive? Only you can stop the insanity, your enabling him only hurts him.

Just my two cents....

coolrobin2

Don't throw yourself under the bus. I did.

I lost a $50,000 + a year job with benefits after my son slit his wrists when I caught him shooting Xanax and my daughter got arrested in a 2-week span of time all because of their pill addictions. They had to "lay someone off" due to the economy and that was me, the person who out-sold and out-performed the other 2 employees and worked 50 hours a week, without hardly taking a lunch break.

That still did not change their drug use. I begged and screamed for months for them to move out of the house and stop taking advantage of me (I didn't yet know about my daughter's problem right then, but I saw the signs as I struggled and she didn't seem to care to get a job or steal from me). The police wouldn't help when the kids were robbing me blind, my family totally distanced themselves from me and all my friends abandoned me.

I fell for their performances for a long time and I lost big time.

I was left broke, cynical, depressed, alone and my two addicts turned on me when I got rid of the remaining things of pawn value in the house and turned to "exaggerating the truth a little" to get them removed from my house. I found these great people here and some meetings.

I threw myself under the bus by enabling them. I came to the realization that even though I love them, I am not helping them. It still stings, but I hang on to my convictions and don't sway from the path.

My son gets out of jail in September-he's been clean since last December, but when he gets outs he has to stick to his plan and take random drug tests if he wants to be in my life.

My daughter is about to either be forced into a 5 week program or spend a long time in jail. I know she will take a fatal path because she overindulges in absolutely everything; it hurts knowing that and I cry over it, but it's her decision. She wants to come back and change, so she says, but I have to stay the course. I did turn over evidence to her PTI officer which is what is going to land her in rehab or jail, but with her begging me right now, I won't let her back in.

As much as it hurts, stay strong. When you loved one hits bottom and is ready to change, you have to be ready and clear-headed to give the type of support that will actually do good.

I still am not sure that the good help will be since I am not yet there, but at least I've stopped enabling them and have my own head clear from all the drama and mind games they play and that I walked right into.

Freedom1990

I do agree with this. Guaranteed, he took off to use again, and with the keys.

He knew exactly how to pit you and your mother against each other in that chaos, and he won't blink an eye if he manages to get you evicted from your apartment.

Take it from a recovering addict, and a mother who lost custody of my youngest daughter after the AD was in my home for a month.

He is out of control, and he won't give a damn who he takes down with him as long as he's feeding his addiction, you included.

outtolunch

Our adult children are about the same age. She started heroin at 19.

I resembled your situation. My approach was a little different. I dropped her off at remote out of state rehabs, took her IDs, left no moeny and ran like hell-o.

I was certain rehab would cure her. I was mistaken.

What made a difference for me was reaching my own bottom. I made the decision to put her out. Something clicked and she got herself clean and has stayed that way. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

coolrobin2

[QUOTE=outtolunch;2657706]

"What made a difference for me was reaching my own bottom."

Well said, well said.

vaya

Thank you all for your ESH. No I don't have any large male friends I can call upon. My other son, 18 years, is with me too and is big and will get physical with his brother if necessary, but I don't want to have to put him through more than he's been through with my eldest (22) before. He's sick of the situation with his brother and I don't know if it's right to call upon his help. Maybe I'm protecting him, but I feel he has a right not to be dragged into his brother's crap again. On the other hand maybe he'll feel relieved I've made a final decision and be glad to 'help'. No...I have nowhere else I can stay. I won't let my son run me out of my home. I was homeless for five years and am just getting back on my feet again. I'll be damned if I'll let him do that to me. I don't even know if he'll come home tonight. I have to go to work tomorrow, especially since I took the day off today to escort him to rehab!! Will probably have to wait until Thurs night or Friday to give him the boot so I can be here to make sure it happens and change locks after. Why has my son turned into this monster? God I hate this!!!!

litehorse

vaya - i so identify with your situation - my 27 year old son is in jail right now and will be for at least 2 years - and i'm just glad to have the breather from the madness - he was in recovery for almost a year before he relapsed this time and I saw my son again - it was wonderful, i had missed him so much - when he relapsed this time it ripped my heart out - i don't know what to say except i understand your pain as so many here do - and many are so good at expressing what needs to be done - there is nothing i can add except my support and prayers

Hammerhead

Vaya... he does this because that's what addicts do.

You are in my prayers.

(hugs)

tjp613

I'm so sorry, vaya. I know you'll do what is right for you this time.

Kindeyes

Gentle hugs to you. It is so very difficult to be the mother of an addict. It's difficult to be anyone who loves an addict but it's particularly difficult to be the mother of one. We hold on to our hope that they will "see the light".

Don't beat yourself up. We are all doing the best we can with the tools we have. Everyone keeps saying "take care of yourself first" and there is so much truth to that.

There is a very narrow line between hope and expectation. I try to stay on the "hope" side and not have expectations. I'm getting better at it but it takes a lot of work and mental gymnastics to keep it all straight.

You are not alone. The other parents on this forum know what you are dealing with and we understand the desparation, confusion, and heartache. Keep searching for your serenity in this madness.

Freedom1990

Hey Vaya, just checking in on you today. How are you doing?

vaya

Last night I had a hard time just detaching. I was angry, hurt, and frustrated. I told him he had to find someplace to go by the end of the weekend if he wasn't going to get the help he needed and stop using. He is still so in denial and blaming everyone else for much of what's happened, saying that everyone hates him, blah, blah, blah. I think I'm mad because I couldn't fix him and was beating myself up for not just leaving him at the rehab and letting him deal with it from there, rather than giving in. I know I can't fix him, but there's an underlying anger and grief still.
Earlier today I kept hoping my son would come around and reach out for help. I emailed him a few suggestions and thoughts to help him consider the benefits of going to rehab. I left him one way bus fare to take care of his cell phone again and told him to figure out how to get back. Turned out he spent the $20 he had on him from detox last night. When I got home he had gone and found the rest of the change I had hidden and took some and the few bus tokens I was saving for his brother. I don't care if it was only $5 or less....it's the principle of it and the boundary that he dared cross. That and signs that he had used, (anyone else ever notice those black smudge marks on the walls, etc from cooking their stuff?) clinched it for me, finally. It dispelled my hopes that he'd come around big time. I went right back out and bought a new deadbolt to install after he leaves.
I'm feeling less guilty about having him leave....he had a choice, we had a deal..that he'd go to rehab..that was the last thing I was hanging in for. He chose otherwise. He could have a warm bed, free meals, support, groups, and more at rehab and not have to find a place to go....or he can choose a shelter, friends, or the streets. I feel good knowing I did all I could....but know I can't do any more other than support his decisions to get help and stop using. I know that he has made this choice, not me. He could stay here and go to rehab and work the process....but simply doesn't want to.
Yes, I know I'm talking a lot about him and less about how I am....although my progression in reality and feeling stronger about my decision reflects how I am feeling. I am getting more at peace with my decision knowing it is the only real way I can help him, intellectually at least...the rest of me is still waffling in indecision and fear.

suki44883

Glad to hear from you, vaya. Some of us were wondering how it was going. Good for you getting the deadbolt. Just do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe. We're all here to support you.

Freedom1990

Thank you for checking in, Vaya!

Please do keep yourself safe. You have done everything you can do, and you are right. He's made his choice.