ElegantlyWasted

Trying to understand GF's son... He was exposed to Dad drinking and beating Mom until the age of 2. Not trying to rationalize his current behavior (he been great the last month and in control and going to counciling). We haven't really talked since he blew up on me and threatened to kick my A$$. Just trying to figure out a way to better relate to him him.

Learn2Live

How old is he EW?

ElegantlyWasted

20: he just went to court today for dealing MJ. I'm doing some heavy thinking re what I can realistically do with this situation. GF just bing drank again last night, and I haven't had a drink in nearly a year. I'm increasingly thinking I'm relatively sane and my environment crazy. Want to make everything better, but don't know how.

MsPINKAcres

maybe his behavior has to do with his MOM's drinking problem rather than the early exposure to violence??

I don't know all the history - but if his Mom has a problem - he could be reacting to growing up with the disease of alcoholism.

I know you would love to make everything better for him, but at 20, he's an adult and will probably need to make some healthy choices for himself. You can provide the opportunities if you want for counseling, Al-Anon, etc. and of course YOUR example of recovery is always a wonderful tool.

Thoughts & prayers for healing and recovery to be in your environment soon,
HUGS, (hope, unity, gratitude, serenity)
Rita

ElegantlyWasted

I just feel so sick of everything, I want to say if you ever get drunk infront of me I'm leaving, if you ever are drunk again infront of your son I'm leaving, if you ever go through my computer and phone again looking for stuff that isn't there I'm leaving. Had I not gotten on her case, her son would not be in therapy. She spends money as compulsively as she drinks. Has tried to intimidate me into not seeing a good friend who is female, by telling me she is psychic and knows I had relations with her (which I did not). The more i think about the more I want out.

suki44883

Maybe it's time to take a break. Things can get kind of overwhelming sometimes and it's good to just get some space for a little while to let your head clear.

hello-kitty

And you are with this person because??

ElegantlyWasted

And you are with this person because??"

Short answer:
Like attracts like. We were both heavy partiers when we met. I dried out; she didn't. I've grown. I know enforcing the above boundaries will more than likely end this relationship. I've fallen into Codie behaviors as I've dried out and I felt I would hypocritical if I started calling her out on her behavior as I realized what it really is. I'm trying to hang on to something that isn't there. Hmmm I thinks that pretty close...

suki44883

Doesn't really sound like much to build on. If you find that you are unhappy more than you are happy, maybe you should consider moving on.

Learn2Live

It's difficult to leave a situation that you have gotten accustomed to, even when you see it is not good for you, and even when you WANT to leave.

Unfortunately, many people do not actually do it until they meet someone else. The meeting of someone else provides the impetus to finally MOVE. That is not a good way to do it, IMO, and can actually be pretty hurtful to the other person.

But it really is like anything else, you just gotta' find the motivation to just do it. One way is to just start somewhere, ANYwhere, and EVERY morning when you wake up, you spend five minutes thinking about your plan, and deciding ONE thing you are going to do that day to accomplish that plan. Throw something out that you know you aren't going to want to take with you. Close an account that needs to be closed. Bring home an empty box from the office. Pack something that you know you want to take with you. Stop at the apartment complex on the way to work and pick up an application. Once you get moving, you pick up momentum, and the next thing you know, you're living somewhere else! YAY! I've now psyched myself up to do it too but this is my house and I like it here so I think I'll stay LOL. God I'm weird....

Jazzman

Sure sounds like a lot of drama. Hats off to you for staying sober in that environment. No advice with the 20 yr old. Just don't put up with any abuse and enforce your boundaries.

coyote21

Sure don't miss the drama. Although at first, if I'm honest with myself, I kinda did.

That environment is BAD for living things. IMHO

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

FarawayFromCars

I went through a pretty detrimental experience when I was 8, and that f*cked me up for awhile, and therapy has helped me tremendously. 2 years old, I'm not sure of, but things we are exposed to in childhood do affect us as adults, I think. But it is also possible to heal from them, so good for the son for seeking out counseling.

I agree with the others on here, though, that his mom's current behavior sounds like it might be more relevant to the situation than something that happened when he was 2, IMHO....

You say that "like attracts like", but it sounds like you have changed...so is it really "like" and "like" together anymore? Everyone changes in relationships.....my thought is that you should expect and allow your partner to grow and change and be supportive where / when you can. Sounds a little like you are the one who is changing and her choices in life do not reflect a very supportive stance of that change (?). Or maybe now that you have made significant changes in your life, what once mattered to you (and still matters to her) are now two different things (?). Would hate to see you in here a few months / years down to road, posting in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics section....

With my ex, we eventually reached a mutual understanding that we had both changed and were no longer suited for each other. It came after a lot of thought, but I felt like you're feeling for a long time before we split--like I was the sane one dealing with an increasingly topsy-turvy environment. I think we stayed with each other longer than we should have; something about being comfortable, believing in the illusion of "the one and only", etc. etc. When we did finally split, it was the right decision.

Do what's right for you...only you know what that is for sure.

Thumper

It is well researched and early trauma/stress like that of witnessing ongoing domestic violence, changes the brain. All kinds of things happen in the brain when under extreme stress of that variety and for the developing brain, that becomes the normal. Their brains are operating under high stress conditions even on a normal day. You can google childhood trauma and brain development to get some info. The current situation surely has an impact. I understand how tough it is being in a situation when we change and they don't.

Learn2Live

Not sure you can have ANY effect on what a 20-year old decides to do with his life, no matter how much power or influence you may think you might have (God, grant me the serenity...) The kid is dealing dope, making some money at it, and you are just a year sober. IMO, your focus needs to be on protecting yourself from the alcoholic GF and the drug-dealing kid, more than trying to "help" him or them in some way. We all need to help ourselves FIRST. IMO, you need to be SELFISH in helping yourself. Do you have a program?

ElegantlyWasted

"suddenly faced with some pretty serious CODIE stuff!"

Early on I did have the clarity of vision to say No! When she asked me to give her a ride to her personal trainer that she used to date. It funny how some peoples actions seem solely aimed at manipulating others instead of communicating up front. I also now have some distance and perspective on just how screwed up i was. On some level I had a nihilistic world view and was just waiting for every thing to get better. I now know that I need to be, and am more than capable of being proactive in a constructive way. Thanks for everyones posts; they helped me sort things things out. When I get stressed and in a reactive mindset I don't always make the best decisions, so I try to catch myself, shut it Down, figure out what my emotions actually are and do a sort of serenity prayer meditation. Also Zencat's sig is amazingly powerfully for me. The son emailed me a heartfelt apology yesterday. GF drank again last night. I've made it clear to her that I'd don't want her drinking as I've noticed how it affects everything she does. My plan is to enforce concrete boundaries, leaving when she is drunk. She rationalizes some of her behavior by telling me some of the crazy behavior that occurs on some of her clients dates ("I'm not that bad because so and so did this). It's further occurred to me that she is drawn to, gets off on and create needless drama. If I rambled, apologies; this sort of stuff really helps me clarify what I'm actually doing and need to do to be pro active. I have a plan and as I see it the immediate decision is to either cut and run step up the boundary thing. Picking her up from work at night because she got trashed is probably an enabling behavior?

hello-kitty

Good boundary!

I refuse to be around you when you are drinking or intoxicated. If you are drinking or intoxicated, I will leave immediately.

How often does she do this? I'd say yes, if it's a pattern of her behavior, then it's enabling.

She drinks at work? Yikes!

Given that this girl probably isn't the girl for you (unless you want to be the jaded caretaker of a drunk forever), maybe it's time to give some thought to what you DO want in a relationship.

Make a list of what you want in a relationship. Visualize it. Take steps to achieve it.

FarawayFromCars

You just described the traits of my alcoholic sister to a tee!


The way my therapist helped me define "enabling": doing for an adult what he/she is capable of doing for him/herself.

You don't want her to drive drunk...but she can find other ways home--a bus, a taxi, walk....