Kindeyes

My A son uses suicide threats as a means of controlling my behavior. I do pretty well in my own recovery until he pulls that one out of his grab bag of tricks.

Recently his A girfriend kicked him to the curb......and slept with several of his friends. It makes him crazy. He loves her. He cries "Why would she do this to me." Then they get back together and the cycle goes around again.

He's been pummeling me with text messages of suicide threats. On Sunday, I texted him back "Goodbye my heart will always be with you. I love you." That was hard. I sobbed. The next day my husband and I went to check on him not knowing if we were going to need to call the coroner. He was alive. In bed at 2:00 in the afternoon with his head under the covers. Handgun on his night table. We told him we were checking on him. Asked him if he was ready to get help yet. He said NO. We told him we love him and left.

That was two days ago. And I haven't heard from him. I don't know if he's dead or alive but I suspect he's alive. This is hard.

Live

That is very frightening. I think I would report the threat to the authorities where he would be involuntarily hospitalized, at least for 48 hours.

tjp613

The terror and sadness you must be feeling is hard to imagine. Have you called the police so they can take him in to be evaluated/treated? I"m so very, very sorry. My son goes through those gyrations, too. Last time we had him picked up, checked in and evaluated. He hasn't threatened suicide again....but that doesn't mean he's not thinking about it.

Please keep us posted on how YOU are holding up.

suki44883

Is that handgun registered to him? I'm not so sure I wouldn't have taken the gun with me when I left. I've dealt with suicide threats and attempts from my own daughter, so I know how frightening it can be. All attempts or threats should be reported immediately to 911. Don't take chances, but don't get personally involved. So sorry you are going through this. It really sucks.

URMYEVERYTHING

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm speaking to you now as a professional rather than a mother. Anytime, he makes those threats (real or not), please call 911 out to his house. I wouldn't advise you go there anymore as he is in possession of a weapon. Let the police assess that when they get to the home. There are 2 messages that are being sent when you do this.
1.) You will not tolerate him making these threats and you consider all threats serious and will call 911 if he makes them directly to you... and..
2.) He will eventually stop calling you and putting you in a state of panic with making these threats to you because he knows you will call for help each and everytime.

That can be scary in itself but you are also showing him that making these threats result in me responding to you in a serious way.

Hope this helps and please don't go to his house to investigate if he's alive or not. I had the experience of watching my brother die and it's something that stays with me for the rest of my life.

((HUGS))

ZombieWife

I would also call the police. I'm sorry you're going through this, mama.

BBD

I agree with everyone above and send some love your way. This has got to be the hardest of times for you. Please take heed and call the authorities if this happens again. Hugs, Bonnie

Kindeyes

I've called the police on him before. I didn't take the handgun because I would have had to crawl over him to get to it. This could have resulted in a tussel that could have killed me, my husband, or my son. I didn't think it was safe.

I didn't call the police this time for a similar reason. He had a gun readily available within arms reach. I simply did not want to put a police officer (who is someone's loved son or daughter) in harms way.

I agree that he needs to be assessed. There's no doubt about that. But I also don't want to put myself or anyone else in a position of dealing with him when he is armed.

The situation is lose/lose/lose all the way around until or unless he decides HE wants help. We've put him through counselling and rehab now three times. He has to take responsibility at some point in time for where he is in this life. As difficult as this is for me to say, it is his life to live......or not. And it breaks my heart.

I think this is his bottom.....this time......he is in God's hands.

ElegantlyWasted

My GF's son does this occasionally. My gut tells me it's just manipulation, along with the verbal abuse he dishes out followed by ash kissing. Cycle seems to repeat every couple of months. Love the comcrete boundary of always calling 911 when it happens. I'd do take the possibility it's real seriously, but can't help but feel manipulated by doing so. Is there any way to tell the difference between real intent and manipulation? He's seems to be doing much better having gone weekly to a therapist and i hope the cycle is broken.

kelsh

Hi Kindeyes,

My Son didn't call us but he called his Best Friend who eventually called us because he thought E was close to really doing suicide. He was very anxious & depressed & alcoholic with his drinking & use of some drugs.

He had been to alcohol treatment & mental health after he came home from his tour of duty in the Navy. He was in the Navy four years after highschool & came home with an all day daily drinking problem.

We had been to see him two days before his attempt & he denied being suicidal. I was a Mental Health Counselor but am retired now. I knew the signs to look for but didn't add it all together.

It was on a Friday when he drove up into the hills with lots of beer & his dogs & drove over a cliff in his truck. His wife went to work at noon so he left sometime after that. Someone drove by the area & stopped when he saw one dog had blood on him....looked over the edge & saw the brake lights on.

He called 911 & they did save him after restarting his heart several times. They stabilized him & flew him by a small jet to Seattle to Harborview Hospital
where he stayed until he was ready to be moved to the VA Hospital for Rehab so he could go live in his own home with caregivers.

This was in 2002 & he is 40 years old & in a wheelchair or bed the rest of his life because he is a quadriplegic. The VA finally made the decision that due to his health care needs he needed 24 hour care or they would not pay for his medical supplies & needs & hospitalizations for UTI's & pressure sores.

I did what I could to help him when he asked me...as a Mom...not a counselor because he needed to follow through with a plan to get sober & didn't do it. He tried but he couldn't stay quit.

My heart aches for you because you are living in a world of uncertainty not knowing what your Son is doing. I have been in alcohol recovery for 22 years and get help for my depression. We have a big family predisposition for
this. So I know both sides of the issues & it is not a pretty sight for anyone.

Keep coming back for us to share our experiences, strength, & hope. There are many Mother & Dads out there going through the same things you are.

kelsh

bluebelle

I would call 911 and tell them of your concern and that he has a handgun. They can come to his house and do a psychological evaluation. If he is a danger to himself, they can hold him at the psychiatric hospital for 3 days and then do a hearing to see if he needs further treatment. I think you definitely need to call. There is professional help out there, and it may be able to help him. You may also want to take a note of each of his threats and what you've found (handgun, etc.). If necessary, you can go to a judge and ask him to be involuntarily committed. I had to do this with my mother because she was a danger to others. However, you could do it with him as a danger to himself.

Chino

Is this possibly an attempt at controlling the addict and his consequences?

Forewarned is forearmed and the police made the choice to put themselves in harms way.

Desperate people do desperate things, whether to themselves or others.

Kindeyes

As I said.....this is lose/lose/lose all the way around. There is no right answer. I find it interesting that this gets laid on me as an "attempt at controlling the addict and his consequences". hmmmmm......I'll have to think on that one for a while.

No matter what I do......no matter what happens......I am the one who has to live with the consequences of MY actions. I am damned if I do.....I am damned if I don't.

As I said.....he is in God's hands and I have to find my serenity in that belief.

URMYEVERYTHING

The police are trained to handle people with guns. You would tell them that he does have a handgun and you take his threats of suicide real. They will know what to do from there. They will know if they need to take him to crisis for an eval (which more than likely will happen). When you call 911 and say gun + suicide threats they will send out all necessary responders to handle your son's case.

I have to agree with Chino....is this an attempt to control the consequences of his addiction? If so, are you willing to take that chance? I have had to call 911 on my sister a few times for threatening suicide and I will continue to do so. Afterwards, she was not angry with me at all. And frankly, I wouldn't care if she was. I had to do what I felt right in my gut.

URMYEVERYTHING

We were posting at the same time so disregard my post about "an attempt to control consequences."

I can say that I protected my exabf as well by not calling the police on him when he stole over $3400 of jewelry from me. Well, I did call them but never went through on pressing charges. What happened after that? Well, he stole from me again and still didn't press charges.

Ultimately, you have to do what you feel is right. It's a tough position to be in and we completely understand. We are just giving perspectives from our own experiences.

((HUGS))

Live

I lost my son to suicide at the age of 20 in a scenario very close to what is being discussed here. I would advise that every attempt be made to remove any guns from his possession by whatever means. No, I don't mean endangering yourself either.

Kindeyes

Maybe I could remove the gun....but could I take away his car? Could I remove all sharp objects from the house he is staying in? Could I remove all belts or ropes? Could I remove all lethal substances, drugs, alcohol, pills from his possession?

If someone is determined to kill themselves, they will find a way to do it. I am powerless to stop him if that is what he chooses to do. POWERLESS.....step one.

I love him. There is nothing in the world that I want more than for him to get better. But all the "want" in the world isn't going to make it happen. I am praying that he will hit rock bottom and decide that he's sick and tired of being sick and tired. And we will be there to help him when or if he decides that he wants help.

I have to wonder if calling the authorities would be just another "rescue" maneuver on my part.

There is no right answer.

suki44883

I disagree that there is no right answer. Allowing people who are trained for this sort of thing IS the right answer. Calling the police would NOT be a rescue maneuver. Going over to his house to check on him yourself IS a rescue maneuver. See the difference?

vaya

My addict son frequently threatens suicide and has attempted it before, when I wasn't in the picture at the time. It does seem very manipulative to me and a ploy to draw sympathy for him and detract from his real disease of addiction. Today he started beating on himself after refusing to go to the rehab he had wanted to go to, probably to make us feel sorry for hiim rather than see how devious and manipulative he was being in getting out of the rehab. When we got home he was fine. Went outside to have a cigaretter and split with no word. If he does come around and threaten that again, whether or not weapons are present I am calling the PET Team, which will include police. He is mentally unstable and sick for using threats of suicide to get his needs met rather than deal with reality and for that does need psychiatric help. For what it's worth, I would have definitely removed the gun. It does seem manipulative to me, but threats of suicide are very serious and hard to discern whether or not they are real, and for that reason alone one should call for help if the threats persist and weapons are present and give it over to God from there. Either way it may help save their life and give them a natural and real response to those threats.

ladyamalthea

Sometimes admitting we are powerless means acknowledging those out there who DO have the power to help, like the police, rather than trying to fix things ourselves. They have been trained in this and so many other situations that us regular folks simply have not been.