What kind of boundaries do you have?
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
What kind of boundaries do you have?
Found this on the web. A little disappointed in that I examined the lists and see I have rigid boundaries. Thought I had made better progress than that 
But, I do see a lot of me in the healthy boundaries list too, and hardly none in the collapsed boundaries list 
What kind of boundaries do you have?
Look at the following characteristics to determine what kinds of boundaries you have:
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
• You can say no or yes, and you are ok when others say no to you.
• You have a strong sense of identity. You respect yourself.
• You expect reciprocity in a relationship—you share responsibility and power.
• You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
• You share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
• You don’t tolerate abuse or disrespect.
• You know your own wants, needs and feelings. You communicate them clearly in your
relationships.
• You are committed to and responsible for exploring and nurturing your full potential.
• You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. You allow others to be
responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
• You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
• You know your limits. You allow others to define their limits.
• You are able to ask for help when you need it.
• You don’t compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection.
COLLAPSED BOUNDARIES
• You can’t say no, because you are afraid of rejection or abandonment.
• Your identity consists of what you think others want you to be. You are a chameleon.
• You have no balance of power or responsibility in your relationships. You tend to be either overly responsible and controlling or passive and dependent.
• You take on other’s problems as your own.
• You share personal information too soon. . .before establishing mutual trust/sharing.
• You have a high tolerance for abuse or being treated with disrespect.
• Your wants, needs and feelings are secondary to others’ and are sometimes determined by others.
• You ignore your inner voice and allow others expectations to define your potential.
• You feel responsible for other’s happiness and fulfillment and sometimes rely on your relationships to create that for you.
• You tend to absorb the feelings of others.
• You rely on others opinions, feelings and ideas more than you do your own.
• You allow others to define your limits or try to define limits for others.
• You compromise your values and beliefs in order to please others or to avoid conflict.
RIGID BOUNDARIES
• You are likely to say no if the request involves close interaction.
• You avoid intimacy (pick fights, stay too busy, etc.)
• You fear abandonment OR engulfment, so you avoid closeness.
• You rarely share personal information.
• You have difficulty identifying wants, needs, feelings.
• You have few or no close relationships. If you have a partner, you have very separate lives and
virtually no shared social life.
• You rarely ask for help.
• You do not allow yourself to connect with other people and their problems.
But, I do see a lot of me in the healthy boundaries list too, and hardly none in the collapsed boundaries list What kind of boundaries do you have?
Look at the following characteristics to determine what kinds of boundaries you have:
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
• You can say no or yes, and you are ok when others say no to you.
• You have a strong sense of identity. You respect yourself.
• You expect reciprocity in a relationship—you share responsibility and power.
• You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
• You share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
• You don’t tolerate abuse or disrespect.
• You know your own wants, needs and feelings. You communicate them clearly in your
relationships.
• You are committed to and responsible for exploring and nurturing your full potential.
• You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. You allow others to be
responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
• You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
• You know your limits. You allow others to define their limits.
• You are able to ask for help when you need it.
• You don’t compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection.
COLLAPSED BOUNDARIES
• You can’t say no, because you are afraid of rejection or abandonment.
• Your identity consists of what you think others want you to be. You are a chameleon.
• You have no balance of power or responsibility in your relationships. You tend to be either overly responsible and controlling or passive and dependent.
• You take on other’s problems as your own.
• You share personal information too soon. . .before establishing mutual trust/sharing.
• You have a high tolerance for abuse or being treated with disrespect.
• Your wants, needs and feelings are secondary to others’ and are sometimes determined by others.
• You ignore your inner voice and allow others expectations to define your potential.
• You feel responsible for other’s happiness and fulfillment and sometimes rely on your relationships to create that for you.
• You tend to absorb the feelings of others.
• You rely on others opinions, feelings and ideas more than you do your own.
• You allow others to define your limits or try to define limits for others.
• You compromise your values and beliefs in order to please others or to avoid conflict.
RIGID BOUNDARIES
• You are likely to say no if the request involves close interaction.
• You avoid intimacy (pick fights, stay too busy, etc.)
• You fear abandonment OR engulfment, so you avoid closeness.
• You rarely share personal information.
• You have difficulty identifying wants, needs, feelings.
• You have few or no close relationships. If you have a partner, you have very separate lives and
virtually no shared social life.
• You rarely ask for help.
• You do not allow yourself to connect with other people and their problems.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Oh, that is good stuff. I'm going to save it.
I have almost all rigid boundaries. I only thought I had one from the healthy list but it is good for me to read what healthy boundaries actually look like.
It is also a little frightening to see where I was a year ago. Collapsed boundaries all around. Not going back there but don't want to get stuck in the rigid place either :sigh:
I have almost all rigid boundaries. I only thought I had one from the healthy list but it is good for me to read what healthy boundaries actually look like.
It is also a little frightening to see where I was a year ago. Collapsed boundaries all around. Not going back there but don't want to get stuck in the rigid place either :sigh:
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Thanks L2L, as usual spot on with something very helpful and a bit scary.
I can see where I was for years, where I am at now and where I need to head.
Part of life's never ending journey of learning, experiences and relationships.
God bless
I can see where I was for years, where I am at now and where I need to head.
Part of life's never ending journey of learning, experiences and relationships.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Thank you!! I needed to see this. I see the boundary pattern in my life of where I've been, what I'm moving toward, and I LIKE the changes. Still have work to do, but this is really helpful. It also helps me to understand why I have the feeling/belief that I'm not ready for another relationship yet.
posie
posie
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I agree you guys, this is helpful because we can see where we have been, where we are, and where we'd like to be in each of these three lists. I'm glad it is not just me who benefits from information in this kind of format in order to comprehend. You're right Posie, it gives me traction because it shows me milestones I've accomplished. And I agree Thumper, I am NOT going back to the 'collapsed' list.
And Jad:
Thank you for the chuckle; I needed that bad. You know me so well THAT is scary!
And Jad:
as usual spot on with something very helpful and a bit scary
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
L2L when I read these I think ACoA--the rigid boundaries were all things I did before I started therapy. My therapist told me I had built a thick brick wall around myself to protect myself and rarely did I let the draw bridge down--and he was right.
Right now I would say I have a combination of the rigid and healthy because I still have a hard time trusting people. I always assume they want something if they are being nice to me. I do not have problems with female friends--but also have discovered that many of my friends are also recovering codies (we seem to be attracted to each other the same way I have (and I hope it stays have) been attracted to alcoholics.
I don't have a group of people I go out and do things with. . .probably because of this and also probably because now I am for the most part full time mom to kids with special needs. But I do have people I consider close. I have an awful time trying to accept help (I think again because I assume they will want something in return--nothing was free at my house when I grew up--everything, including attention (I won't say love) came with a price tag).
This is very interesting.
Right now I would say I have a combination of the rigid and healthy because I still have a hard time trusting people. I always assume they want something if they are being nice to me. I do not have problems with female friends--but also have discovered that many of my friends are also recovering codies (we seem to be attracted to each other the same way I have (and I hope it stays have) been attracted to alcoholics.
I don't have a group of people I go out and do things with. . .probably because of this and also probably because now I am for the most part full time mom to kids with special needs. But I do have people I consider close. I have an awful time trying to accept help (I think again because I assume they will want something in return--nothing was free at my house when I grew up--everything, including attention (I won't say love) came with a price tag).
This is very interesting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
You don’t compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection.
This statement rang so true for me. And I didn't even quite realize it while it was occurring. When I did start to realize it, it was after I had made the decision to remove myself from my dysfunctional relationship.
I, too, was the poster child for "Collapsed Boundaries". Every single, blasted one of them.
Thank God I am not in that place anymore.
Thank you for for this post, Learn.
Dynamite.
This statement rang so true for me. And I didn't even quite realize it while it was occurring. When I did start to realize it, it was after I had made the decision to remove myself from my dysfunctional relationship.
I, too, was the poster child for "Collapsed Boundaries". Every single, blasted one of them.
Thank God I am not in that place anymore.
Thank you for for this post, Learn.
Dynamite.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
You don’t compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection.
I actually had to LEARN what my values were to begin with, after I got into Recovery. Can you believe that? I had forgotten them, or at least they had been shoved back into my sub- or un-conscious (not sure what is the right way to say that, psychologically speaking).
Fortunately, my parents were both pretty moral people (despite the disease of alcoholism) so I had a good base to work from. I also had to learn exactly what is integrity and how do I maintain it. Having a Higher Power really helped with this. I did a bible study for at least a year with some people and that helped me to learn too.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Great thread!
I had, both as a child and adult; only a few of the collapsed boundaries on the list. Because of that it was easier to deny. But....being my 'efficient' self, I managed to 'make the most' out of those few by creating a multiplied amount of codie misery for myself & others too.
It would have been easier to just become rigid in those problem areas but my focus over the years has been to keep moving towards the healthy boundaries part of the list. I find it takes a awareness and practice to find a good, safe balance between being 'wide open' & 'closed tight' to possible risk of any kind.
Thanks L2L for sharing.
I had, both as a child and adult; only a few of the collapsed boundaries on the list. Because of that it was easier to deny. But....being my 'efficient' self, I managed to 'make the most' out of those few by creating a multiplied amount of codie misery for myself & others too.
It would have been easier to just become rigid in those problem areas but my focus over the years has been to keep moving towards the healthy boundaries part of the list. I find it takes a awareness and practice to find a good, safe balance between being 'wide open' & 'closed tight' to possible risk of any kind.
Thanks L2L for sharing.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
this is an awesome topic...some that we take for granted...I too am learning..arent we all...I have learned to respect others boundaries..but people walk all over mine..AS IF THEY ARE NOT HEARING ME...so the last 2 months or so..I have learned my healthy boundaries...and sticking to them...gosh, I still have work to do on them...but I feel so good reading others in SR group and realize that its ok to say NO..and not to explain why...learning that...thank you so much for this post...gonna save this too and remind myself as a refresher...
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
people walk all over mine..AS IF THEY ARE NOT HEARING ME...
OSSSU!
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: West Palm Beach, Florida
Posts: 116
Gotta run to work, now....but I can't wait to read this.
thanks!
What kind of boundaries do you have?]
HAD the kind that I thought would work....lol.
Just revamped my boundaries list.
thanks!
What kind of boundaries do you have?]
HAD the kind that I thought would work....lol.
Just revamped my boundaries list.
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