boundaries
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: mid-atlantic
Posts: 53
boundaries
hello everyone
haven't posted recently but sure have been reading.
i am really grateful for this site.
i've been printing out some of the wisdom posted by some of you and carrying it around with me in my courage to change book.
thank you.
i've been really struggling.
i've been bouncing off the walls emotionally...putting way too much weight in good, sweet moments with my SO and totally losing it by reacting badly to my SO's addicted behavior. i'm a total slave. i hate it. and i'm doing it to myself. i know.
its so bad for me and unfair to him. he is immersed in his recovery program, but not sober yet...slipping in one of his addictions pretty routinely. but being honest with me about it.
i've been disappointed, still dreaming of how i want things to be, hanging on to hope of changing everything, even the past.
i've only continued to hurt me in the process. and probably even set him off....which i know i can't control, but still.
you know that merry-go-round metaphor...its an alanon pamphlet that i read a lot, but i guess i still need the pain to convince me to get the hell off the ride.
anyway, yesterday, i had my first sane day in over a week.
hit lots of mtgs the past few days and yesterday i went to 2 in one day which was so great.
my temp sponsor has helped me realize i need to set some better boundaries for myself and work harder at maintaining them so i don't keep reacting and being so hurt by my SO's stuff.
i need to focus on me and my recovery and get off his back, let him focus on his own recovery...which he seems to be doing. he is doing daily mtgs, weekly ind therapy, and weekly christian men's recovery group.
question: i know the info about not getting into a new relationship while so new in recovery...and i completely understand it. what about when you're already married, but separated? we spend time together and i want to be able to do that, for me, for us, and for our daughter. but i don't want to keep hurting the way i have been.
i want to find a way to spend limited amounts of time with certain boundaries so we can be in contact but not so heavy and hard emotionally.
is it ok for me to set rules about no physical intimacy until such and such a time? (this has been a very difficult area...we've been together a long time, i still love him, i want to be able to be close, but when i am i totally fall apart little by little in the days after...one of his addictions is porn/sex) is it ok for me to say i don't want to talk about the future? lets stay in today. is it ok for me to set limits on how much we talk, what we talk about, what we do, etc and still be with him, supportive, loving???
the trust between us has been so damaged that i don't want to deal in big stuff anymore. i don't want any real deep talks or activities. but i don't want to totally divorce myself from him. there are things i love about him. he said his commitment is to me and our family but that he knows he is sick and needs to get well before he can show me that what he says is true.
maybe he's too impaired to ever be ok, honest, mature, a real partner...and i know i'm not able to do it now either. but i'm not ready to give up...just want to shift the focus. i'm afraid. of change i guess. of losing him...why am i scaerd of this???i don't have him now and haven't for a long time!!!!!!!!!!!
i've been hanging all of my hope still on someday when things are better. he does the same...talks a lot about the promise of the program...improvement, change, we can have it all, etc. i want to stop that. it hurts. it may never change. i want to be ok no matter what. sort of neutral...not pessimistic, but not hopeful. so i just want to try to work my program. be present at my job, with my daughter, with MYSELF and if possible, spend structured small doses of time with him. when i'm ready to decide what to do about US down the line, my higher power will reveal what i need to know, right?
i'm not ready to write the whole thing off. i don't want someone else. even if i started dating (and there is a man at my daughter's school who is great...a single dad, very involved, seems to like me, but i'm steering clear of that) i'm sure i'd just have the same **** different person.
what does this sound like? on target? crazy? any ideas? please share any feedback and wisdom you can.
i'm afraid. i'm afraid that if i have to choose right now between staying with him with things staying the way things are and leaving him totally but maybe being happier, healthier...that i'd stay...i'm very afraid of what that means about me. i want to find a middle ground...a hallway i can be in a focus on myself...decide stuff later.
am i strong enough to set and maintain boundaries for the first ime in my life? can you teach an old dog new tricks for real?????
thank you very much.
i'm grateful for the cool crsip air, the blue sky. and the swirling leaves today. and a little bit of sanity. a little bit of calm.
haven't posted recently but sure have been reading.
i am really grateful for this site.
i've been printing out some of the wisdom posted by some of you and carrying it around with me in my courage to change book.
thank you.
i've been really struggling.
i've been bouncing off the walls emotionally...putting way too much weight in good, sweet moments with my SO and totally losing it by reacting badly to my SO's addicted behavior. i'm a total slave. i hate it. and i'm doing it to myself. i know.
its so bad for me and unfair to him. he is immersed in his recovery program, but not sober yet...slipping in one of his addictions pretty routinely. but being honest with me about it.
i've been disappointed, still dreaming of how i want things to be, hanging on to hope of changing everything, even the past.
i've only continued to hurt me in the process. and probably even set him off....which i know i can't control, but still.
you know that merry-go-round metaphor...its an alanon pamphlet that i read a lot, but i guess i still need the pain to convince me to get the hell off the ride.
anyway, yesterday, i had my first sane day in over a week.
hit lots of mtgs the past few days and yesterday i went to 2 in one day which was so great.
my temp sponsor has helped me realize i need to set some better boundaries for myself and work harder at maintaining them so i don't keep reacting and being so hurt by my SO's stuff.
i need to focus on me and my recovery and get off his back, let him focus on his own recovery...which he seems to be doing. he is doing daily mtgs, weekly ind therapy, and weekly christian men's recovery group.
question: i know the info about not getting into a new relationship while so new in recovery...and i completely understand it. what about when you're already married, but separated? we spend time together and i want to be able to do that, for me, for us, and for our daughter. but i don't want to keep hurting the way i have been.
i want to find a way to spend limited amounts of time with certain boundaries so we can be in contact but not so heavy and hard emotionally.
is it ok for me to set rules about no physical intimacy until such and such a time? (this has been a very difficult area...we've been together a long time, i still love him, i want to be able to be close, but when i am i totally fall apart little by little in the days after...one of his addictions is porn/sex) is it ok for me to say i don't want to talk about the future? lets stay in today. is it ok for me to set limits on how much we talk, what we talk about, what we do, etc and still be with him, supportive, loving???
the trust between us has been so damaged that i don't want to deal in big stuff anymore. i don't want any real deep talks or activities. but i don't want to totally divorce myself from him. there are things i love about him. he said his commitment is to me and our family but that he knows he is sick and needs to get well before he can show me that what he says is true.
maybe he's too impaired to ever be ok, honest, mature, a real partner...and i know i'm not able to do it now either. but i'm not ready to give up...just want to shift the focus. i'm afraid. of change i guess. of losing him...why am i scaerd of this???i don't have him now and haven't for a long time!!!!!!!!!!!
i've been hanging all of my hope still on someday when things are better. he does the same...talks a lot about the promise of the program...improvement, change, we can have it all, etc. i want to stop that. it hurts. it may never change. i want to be ok no matter what. sort of neutral...not pessimistic, but not hopeful. so i just want to try to work my program. be present at my job, with my daughter, with MYSELF and if possible, spend structured small doses of time with him. when i'm ready to decide what to do about US down the line, my higher power will reveal what i need to know, right?
i'm not ready to write the whole thing off. i don't want someone else. even if i started dating (and there is a man at my daughter's school who is great...a single dad, very involved, seems to like me, but i'm steering clear of that) i'm sure i'd just have the same **** different person.
what does this sound like? on target? crazy? any ideas? please share any feedback and wisdom you can.
i'm afraid. i'm afraid that if i have to choose right now between staying with him with things staying the way things are and leaving him totally but maybe being happier, healthier...that i'd stay...i'm very afraid of what that means about me. i want to find a middle ground...a hallway i can be in a focus on myself...decide stuff later.
am i strong enough to set and maintain boundaries for the first ime in my life? can you teach an old dog new tricks for real?????
thank you very much.
i'm grateful for the cool crsip air, the blue sky. and the swirling leaves today. and a little bit of sanity. a little bit of calm.
Last edited by insane; 10-16-2003 at 09:54 AM.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
insane,
Sounds to me like you are right about needing spaceand time.....How about meeting in completey nuetral places, Mc Donald's for instance.....Your daughter would love that...by meeting only in public places...is easier on you and when we're in public all of us tend to be more polite.
Here's a one liner I hope brings you a smile;
You can teach an old dog new tricks ONLY IF it's not to stuborn to
to listen.
God bless.
Sounds to me like you are right about needing spaceand time.....How about meeting in completey nuetral places, Mc Donald's for instance.....Your daughter would love that...by meeting only in public places...is easier on you and when we're in public all of us tend to be more polite.
Here's a one liner I hope brings you a smile;
You can teach an old dog new tricks ONLY IF it's not to stuborn to
to listen.
God bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: mid-atlantic
Posts: 53
this is something just tired wrote to me in response to one of my posts last month. something for me to keep in mind. maybe there really is no way for me to have even structured, safe contact and stay on my road to recovery and sanity. maybe its just not possible right now. ugh!!!
"There is nothing like having a little lunch with your addicted SO to keep you on your path to recovery.
Hugs,
JT"
__________________
"There is nothing like having a little lunch with your addicted SO to keep you on your path to recovery.
Hugs,
JT"
__________________
Last edited by insane; 10-16-2003 at 10:56 AM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: mid-atlantic
Posts: 53
here's another question:
how is sobriety defined? if someone is going to mtgs, working with sponsor, in ind and grp tx and still slipping every few weeks....whats up with that?
he is being honest with me now because the lies were so damaging and his sponsor has him disclosing stuff to me...not gorey details, but when he slips. this is excruciating for me. should i say "don't tell me the details of your situation...don't want to be your confessor...can't do anything about any of it anyway"...by some miracle i have stopped snooping...completely.
should i just say "tell me when you have 90 days clean or something like that??"
but when i know that, what does that mean anyway??? could change the very next day.
i hate this.
and i hate looking at this person that i love and not knowing which end is up, whats true, etc.
how is sobriety defined? if someone is going to mtgs, working with sponsor, in ind and grp tx and still slipping every few weeks....whats up with that?
he is being honest with me now because the lies were so damaging and his sponsor has him disclosing stuff to me...not gorey details, but when he slips. this is excruciating for me. should i say "don't tell me the details of your situation...don't want to be your confessor...can't do anything about any of it anyway"...by some miracle i have stopped snooping...completely.
should i just say "tell me when you have 90 days clean or something like that??"
but when i know that, what does that mean anyway??? could change the very next day.
i hate this.
and i hate looking at this person that i love and not knowing which end is up, whats true, etc.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
insane,
"quote from our lit.
"Living with the disease of achololisn is to much for most of us".....
It sounds like you really need time to heal...as much as he does..
It is a cunning, baffling, insistitous disease and to try to firgue it out will drive me crazy.....BUT I CAN ACCEPT THE FACT that someone I love has it, and then get on with living MY life...
Here's a one liner for you that I hope will bring you a smile for today;
My Sitting in a garage hocking , doesn't make me a car!
Going to meeting, ect.ect.ect. doesn't always bring someone to soberity...IT HELPS but they have to want soberity....They have to (as I do) BE WILLING TO GO TO any lengths to have it....
Sending you love and prayers,
"quote from our lit.
"Living with the disease of achololisn is to much for most of us".....
It sounds like you really need time to heal...as much as he does..
It is a cunning, baffling, insistitous disease and to try to firgue it out will drive me crazy.....BUT I CAN ACCEPT THE FACT that someone I love has it, and then get on with living MY life...
Here's a one liner for you that I hope will bring you a smile for today;
My Sitting in a garage hocking , doesn't make me a car!
Going to meeting, ect.ect.ect. doesn't always bring someone to soberity...IT HELPS but they have to want soberity....They have to (as I do) BE WILLING TO GO TO any lengths to have it....
Sending you love and prayers,
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 2
insane....Wow...we are in similar spots, aren't we? And I can relate to the sex addiction. My AH (I dislike that term) also has issues with that. Although he denies he is a SA, he did inform our counselor and me that his "identity is wrapped up in his sexuality...." So we do have very similar issues. My husband is sober, but not doing do well with "recovery" right now....
We need to continue to focus on ourselves and our healing/recovery process. It is so frustrating to love someone with this *insane* illness. And we become just as sick as them.
I think it's ok to set boundaries that will help you with your recovery process.....including no sex. I did.
Also, insane, actions speak LOUDER than words. I've gotten to the point where I don't believe anything AH communicates to me....written or verbal....because there is never any follow through. I'm learning to listen to my HP.....and my inner self. You know, that voice inside that tells you when something is just not right. For years....two decades....I always doubted that inner voice and that always led me to trouble.
The support on this board is fabulous.....and several people have offered a wonderful piece of advice that I've followed....give yourself the gift of time.
And, like you, I struggled with thoughts of the future. I wanted that crystal ball!!!! Sadly, there is no crystal ball, but we can make the choice to enjoy the blessings that each and every day brings to us. That's so hard to do when we're in the middle of some crisis, but over time, with practice, it gets easier.
Take care of yourself.....
Windy
We need to continue to focus on ourselves and our healing/recovery process. It is so frustrating to love someone with this *insane* illness. And we become just as sick as them.
I think it's ok to set boundaries that will help you with your recovery process.....including no sex. I did.
Also, insane, actions speak LOUDER than words. I've gotten to the point where I don't believe anything AH communicates to me....written or verbal....because there is never any follow through. I'm learning to listen to my HP.....and my inner self. You know, that voice inside that tells you when something is just not right. For years....two decades....I always doubted that inner voice and that always led me to trouble.
The support on this board is fabulous.....and several people have offered a wonderful piece of advice that I've followed....give yourself the gift of time.
And, like you, I struggled with thoughts of the future. I wanted that crystal ball!!!! Sadly, there is no crystal ball, but we can make the choice to enjoy the blessings that each and every day brings to us. That's so hard to do when we're in the middle of some crisis, but over time, with practice, it gets easier.
Take care of yourself.....
Windy
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