Another Try
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Louisville, Ky.
Posts: 58
Another Try
Right now I'm about as guilt ridden and miserable as I think I could possibly be. Earlier this year I had accumulated 2-1/2 months without drinking. Things were going very well and all of a sudden I started drinking again. I really don't even know why. Complete stupidity, I guess. I feel like crap physically and I'm a wreck morally and emotionally. It's all I can do to carry on with daily life.
In AA they made a guarantee - that if you weren't happy with sobriety they will refund your misery at any time. My misery has sure been refunded - with a bit added to it for good measure. I guess I'm just venting because it feels so hopeless. I believe in the 12-step program but I absolutely hate going to those meetings. It seems like there has to be some other way but I'm afraid I'll never find it. I suppose I have to keep trying, so:
Day 2
In AA they made a guarantee - that if you weren't happy with sobriety they will refund your misery at any time. My misery has sure been refunded - with a bit added to it for good measure. I guess I'm just venting because it feels so hopeless. I believe in the 12-step program but I absolutely hate going to those meetings. It seems like there has to be some other way but I'm afraid I'll never find it. I suppose I have to keep trying, so:
Day 2
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Hey Patman,
Try not to beat yourself up. We've all been where you are. I know you feel bad. Use that to push yourself forward. Learn from your experience and keep trying. I know you can do it. I remember feeling just like you. Your starting again that's all that matters.
Hang in and stay strong. Find a good support system of your choosing. Best wishes to you!
Try not to beat yourself up. We've all been where you are. I know you feel bad. Use that to push yourself forward. Learn from your experience and keep trying. I know you can do it. I remember feeling just like you. Your starting again that's all that matters.
Hang in and stay strong. Find a good support system of your choosing. Best wishes to you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
I feel for you, patman. Some of those meeting just suck and offer very little in the way of hope.
Maybe you could seek out a meeting where they talk about how to recover from alcoholism? A meeting where you are 'pulled with a vision' of a life re-made as the result of a spiritual awakening from taking the 12 Steps.
Just for your own consideration, is this statement true? What Step were you on when you started drinking again?
Time and time again, the unrecovered alkie will pick up that drink for no particular reason. Pages 23-25 talk all about it. The jaywalker story on pg 37 is all about this, as are Jim and Fred's stories.
There it is for you. 'Not a cloud on the horizon', and the drink idea comes to mind. A mental obsession which effectively blots out all of your sane and rational ideas about why you shouldn't pick up that drink. All those good reasons for not drinking hazily supplanted by the obsession to experience the effect that a drink will bring.
That was me time after time, patman. I had no good reason to drink, and hundreds of great reasons not to. But over and over, after a little time sober that idea would kick in and I'd get drunk. And stay drunk.
There is a solution. Right there on page 25. And most of us don't like it much. I know I didn't, but I saw these sober, happy people saying it worked for them. And I was drunk and miserable and full of shame, and felt weak and hopeless. And I was just sure that my life would always be like this and would never be any different.
And these sober happy people showed me what they had done to recover. They showed me the Steps they took, straight from that Big Book. I did those same things, and my life was revolutionized, never to be the same.
It might be worthwhile to find a meeting where people can show you how to have that experience for yourself. Find someone to sit down with you and a Big Book and share what they have been given.
Maybe you could seek out a meeting where they talk about how to recover from alcoholism? A meeting where you are 'pulled with a vision' of a life re-made as the result of a spiritual awakening from taking the 12 Steps.
Originally Posted by patman 
I believe in the 12-step program...
Time and time again, the unrecovered alkie will pick up that drink for no particular reason. Pages 23-25 talk all about it. The jaywalker story on pg 37 is all about this, as are Jim and Fred's stories.
There it is for you. 'Not a cloud on the horizon', and the drink idea comes to mind. A mental obsession which effectively blots out all of your sane and rational ideas about why you shouldn't pick up that drink. All those good reasons for not drinking hazily supplanted by the obsession to experience the effect that a drink will bring.
That was me time after time, patman. I had no good reason to drink, and hundreds of great reasons not to. But over and over, after a little time sober that idea would kick in and I'd get drunk. And stay drunk.
There is a solution. Right there on page 25. And most of us don't like it much. I know I didn't, but I saw these sober, happy people saying it worked for them. And I was drunk and miserable and full of shame, and felt weak and hopeless. And I was just sure that my life would always be like this and would never be any different.
And these sober happy people showed me what they had done to recover. They showed me the Steps they took, straight from that Big Book. I did those same things, and my life was revolutionized, never to be the same.
It might be worthwhile to find a meeting where people can show you how to have that experience for yourself. Find someone to sit down with you and a Big Book and share what they have been given.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hey patman,
I've been where you are a couple times over the last six months and it's not a fun place to be. It is true that in AA they say if you want your misery back, it will be refunded to you, and all it takes is a few drinks to end up back where we were, but that's not the whole picture. One thing I'm learning is that I simply have never learned how to live sober, so that is my focus today. Learning not to drink is only half the problem, the other half is learning how to live sober. and that's often the hardest part. Living sober, for a drunk like me, is no picnic. Often I've picked up a drink simply because that's what I've done and how I've lived the better part of thirty years of drinking. I find living sober to be a foriegn lifestyle for me and I struggle with it every day. Living sober is a totally new concept, whereas stopping drinking is what I tried to achieve for many years. We can't stop drinking without learning how to live sober, I know that sounds elementary, but it is not as easy as it sounds. As with any new subject we wish to learn, we must start with the basics. For example, when we enroll in a accounting class, we don't start with Corporate law at the beginning, that comes in later chapters. In the beginning, we start with learning a few basic concepts about accounting, and that's the same way living sober is. We start with the basics and for me, that's deciding everyday, that no matter what, I make a personal choice not to drink today. I don't make that choice for my family, my sponsor, my friends, or sr, I must make that choice today for myself. I don't even make that choice for God, Higher Power, or Buddha. I cannot change what happened yesterday, but I can make the right choice for me today, regardless of what anyone else thinks or hopes I will do. It's up to me and me alone. People can help us, but it's up to us to decide how we want to live and then learn how to do it. It takes time, alot of time, so ease up on yourself, realize you can start again today and take it one day at a time, and let yesterday retire in place. You're on a new path now, and I hope you discover that life truly is much better sober, it just takes alot of getting used to, and that's not always easy.
I've been where you are a couple times over the last six months and it's not a fun place to be. It is true that in AA they say if you want your misery back, it will be refunded to you, and all it takes is a few drinks to end up back where we were, but that's not the whole picture. One thing I'm learning is that I simply have never learned how to live sober, so that is my focus today. Learning not to drink is only half the problem, the other half is learning how to live sober. and that's often the hardest part. Living sober, for a drunk like me, is no picnic. Often I've picked up a drink simply because that's what I've done and how I've lived the better part of thirty years of drinking. I find living sober to be a foriegn lifestyle for me and I struggle with it every day. Living sober is a totally new concept, whereas stopping drinking is what I tried to achieve for many years. We can't stop drinking without learning how to live sober, I know that sounds elementary, but it is not as easy as it sounds. As with any new subject we wish to learn, we must start with the basics. For example, when we enroll in a accounting class, we don't start with Corporate law at the beginning, that comes in later chapters. In the beginning, we start with learning a few basic concepts about accounting, and that's the same way living sober is. We start with the basics and for me, that's deciding everyday, that no matter what, I make a personal choice not to drink today. I don't make that choice for my family, my sponsor, my friends, or sr, I must make that choice today for myself. I don't even make that choice for God, Higher Power, or Buddha. I cannot change what happened yesterday, but I can make the right choice for me today, regardless of what anyone else thinks or hopes I will do. It's up to me and me alone. People can help us, but it's up to us to decide how we want to live and then learn how to do it. It takes time, alot of time, so ease up on yourself, realize you can start again today and take it one day at a time, and let yesterday retire in place. You're on a new path now, and I hope you discover that life truly is much better sober, it just takes alot of getting used to, and that's not always easy.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
Hi and Welcome,
I think you should do whatever it takes to stay sober. I am not an AA person, but I do work on my recovery every day. The main thing is to never give up because alcoholism is relentless.
I think you should do whatever it takes to stay sober. I am not an AA person, but I do work on my recovery every day. The main thing is to never give up because alcoholism is relentless.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Patman - focus on the positive: you had a good start on sobriety and you're here trying again. That counts for something, you know? We wouldn't be able to call ourselves addicts if we could just walk away no problem.....
All any of us can do is stay sober today - so in essence, we're all in the same boat!
All any of us can do is stay sober today - so in essence, we're all in the same boat!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
Welcome back patman 
I think the main thing is to never give up - keep looking, find what does work for you, and then work it with everything you have
This place is full of folks who've done it - you can too, Patman.
You're not alone
D
I think the main thing is to never give up - keep looking, find what does work for you, and then work it with everything you have
This place is full of folks who've done it - you can too, Patman.
You're not alone
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Louisville, Ky.
Posts: 58
Thanks to all of you for the comments and encouragement. You've given me a lot to think about. I'm going to be here soaking in all the support I can - and hopefully giving a little too.
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