Faith1010

My addict and I have been together for 7 years. We have a 3 years old daughter and a 13 years old daughter that he has always treated as his own. When we met I could see the potential of a drinking problem, but at the time he wasn't an everyday drinker but a binge drinker. He was sober more than he was drunk. Over the years he's progressed and started using cocaine. The last 2 years have been a nightmare. he's tried rehab twice unsuccessfully. There were a couple of incidents that put a bad taste in his mouth (getting stood up by his sponsor) and he's given up on rehab helping him. The last time he stayed clean for 3 months he did it on his own, so he's "convinced" he has the power.

In any case, the reason I'm here to vent is because I can't stop loving him. I feel like I have a loose nut in my brain! Every time he relapses I kick him out (which in all actuality makes him worse, but I can't look the other way). I can manage to stay strong until the anger subsides, then I am mush. It's pathetic! I miss the sober him - my best friend who laughs with me, supports me, holds me when I cry and shares the love of our family. That man is the love of my life. He is the reason for some dumb a** reason I can't let go. I remind myself constantly that I can't have one without the other. In my mind it's like he's a Siamese twin and if I want to be with him then I am stuck with both him & the addict. I tell myself he's a dead horse, stop beating it....and still I want to be with him when he's trying to get better. DUH...he's just going to use again! I thought when he relapsed 2 months ago and I made him leave that I had finally given up...I had reached my boundary and lost all hope that he will ever get better. But months go by and I see him with the girls and I want to be in their group too. They're having fun making memories without me. I want to laugh with them, group hug & kiss them and do fun things with them. Damnit I want my family together! I want him home! I don't want to give up our dreams of the future! I feel I have to - that it's the "right" thing to do. No one will respect me if I don't, including my kids (Our teenager does not want him back home. She likes that he works so hard to make up for his mistakes and gives her whatever she wants. She's given up on him ever getting better and is in a very self-centered stage....of course.) Actually my mom and his mom are the only ones who support me staying with him but that's because they love him and love us as a family. But everyone else thinks I'm an idiot and I don't usually care what other people think except for the fact that I think I'm an idiot too.

And no, I have not been to a meeting in a long time. There are a couple of reasons...#1 - I don't like the structure of alanon. I found one decent group that was more of an open group session but the whole 4 of us seriously had the same conversation over & over again every Monday for like 6 months. Secondly, through the process of the steps, it has really strained my relationship with God to the point that I don't believe he has the power to help me. It my choice, my free will. If he does, where has he been for the past 3 years of my begging, pleading and sobbing? I'm not going to get into the destruction of my faith too much. If God decides to help me, I guess it's on his time.

I prefer to vent here than in a meeting. Usually I just keep it to myself and try to hide that I still love him,miss him & want to be with him. But we have been getting along lately and I just needed to tell someone that I miss my best friend and wish he were back home for good. I wish we could continue the growth of our gradually graying hair together in each others' arms everyday.

Thanks for listening.

Pelican

I found Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More" very helpful.

Pelican

I found Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More" very helpful.

nodaybut2day

I understand the concept (and the experience) of "mourning the dream". The difficult thing is accepting that the dream may never have really been shared. In my case, XAH's idea of "the dream" was altogether different than mine.

When you're ready to let go--when you've truly had enough, you'll let go. However, since you've got kids, I wonder about how they're navigating your back and forth journey to an obviously still-addicted partner.

MsPINKAcres

((Faith))

I hate that you are going thru a rough time - living with an active alcoholic/drug addict is a very painful and difficult situation.

Please keep reaching out for help, posting, venting, reading recovery literature and seeking direction and guidance for what is healthy and best for YOU and your children.

Allowing our loved ones to walk their own path is a difficult thing, but it is giving them the respect and dignity they deserve as individuals - whether they make healthy decisions or whether they fall into the depths of the disease - Letting Go is giving them their Dignity back ~ it is a truly selfless loving thing to do.

Please don't give up before the miracles happen in you - BECAUSE YOU deserve them too!!

HUGS,
Rita

Freedom1990

So if that beautiful 3 year old daughter grows up and ends up with someone like him, is that okay with you?

What dreams and hopes do you have for your children?

TakingCharge999

Hello Faith.
Have you considered any 1 to 1 therapy? I went to one that helped me but to an extent. I just went to another one who gets everything and who leaves a lot of homework. Now that I will have accountability and can share how it is like to walk in my shoes I feel so, so much better. I hope you continue looking for tools to feel better.