SeaTurtle22

Hi everybody. I have been a little lost but feel much better after finding this site. I have been reading extensively about addiction and recovery and talking to my counselor twice a month. This forum has helped a lot. Thank you for anyone who reads this and provides any comments. I will go ahead and share my experience. I was in a long distance relationship for 14 months. My partner had told me about experimenting with drugs in her younger years and that she had been sober (alcohol) for the past five years. I appreciated her honesty. We both fell in love. I guess it was not as easy for me to see any of the symptoms of addiction since we did not see each other on a daily basis. I knew she was on disability and seeing a pain doctor for a snowboarding injury. I never suspected anything wrong until the latter months. Every time I would schedule a trip to go visit she would cancel on me last minute saying she could not see me. Pain ruled her life. I wish I could take that pain away – that was my co-dependency, wishing I could help her fix her life. For the past months she was in and out of the ER and trying to get off the prescribed pain meds (oxy) on her own because she could not afford to pay for it. I asked her to seek help. She said she would but days kept passing by with no action taken. When on the phone, I could hear and feel her pain, she didn’t want to live that way anymore but there was nothing I could do, she had to do the work herself. She finally checked herself into detox last month, her Dad paid for it. She called me a few days later to break up with me. No real explanation and no opportunity for a conversation. She left me hanging dry with just unanswered questions and a tough path towards closure. I love her dearly. Today I still love her. My heart chose her and I sure hope we both get another chance. I know of her weaknesses and challenges, but I also know of her potential and the kindness of her spirit. It has been four weeks since the last time we spoke. She recently finished a 28 day program -I paid for it, she doesn’t know it because she would have never accepted money from me, so that was a gift I could afford from me to her. I know through a mutual friend that last week (right after her 28 day short program) she moved into a long term recovery facility. I pray for her every day and ask God to give her the strength to keep on going. I hope it works out for her. I only wish her the best and I hope one day she can find peace within herself and start loving herself with no limits. She has a lot of work ahead of her. I understand that now, and perhaps that is why she broke up with me, she chose recovery. How could I be angry for her doing that? Yes, the break up has been tremendously painful for me but perhaps there might still be hope for us once we both have reach a better place within ourselves. Thanks for listening.

Freedom1990

Hi SeaTurtle, and welcome to SR!

It sound like you have done some considerable educating on addiction, and codependency too.

Have you tried attending Alanon or Naranon meetings? Alanon has been a lifesaver for me in helping me recognize my codependency, and learning new ways to live.

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent read if you can get your hands on it.

I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends.

Chino

"If you love something set if free... ." Sounds great and hurts like hell

fourmaggie

I agree with FREEDOM...I wish i had a NAR anon near me...but I have AL ANON and RECOVERY is important to me now...along with my kids....I love my NEW family....

look into it...and go...you will see what is happening "around" you

loveandlost

I agree it hurts like hell going through the break up and setting boundaries as well. I do not know how to go on. This is so hard!

SeaTurtle22

I felt overwhelmed and heartbroken when it happened. It still hurts today even after 4 weeks from the break up. It is ok to acknowledge your feelings. You will get through it. These times provide you the opportunity for self growth. It is a time to reflect on the lessons learned. Learn about codependency and how you can also make room for some change to better yourself as a human being. I don’t know if I will ever hear or see her again, but it gives me comfort to know that she is working hard on herself and doing well. Many times, when in rehab, it is recommended for them to let go of their relationships so they can solely focus on their recovery. And because I loved her and still do, I let her go…so she can find herself and hopefully have a long, healthy and happy life - even if I am not part of it.

Hang in there and try to read all you can about codependency, addiction and recovery. The book “Codependent No More,” is a great start. Take care.

Kindeyes

Seaturtle - That is a very beautiful example of true love. You were placed in her path for a reason (and perhaps she in yours).

Gentle hugs to you

loveandlost

Thank you so much!
Again today I am struggling with that broken heart. I am focusing more on other things in my life but it is so difficult as we had so many things planned that I am now having to cancel and set aside. It just hurts!

SeaTurtle22

The first couple of weeks are the hardest. We also had a lot of plans - we were engaged. I read and re-read her cards and emails. Until the day came when I asked myself "what good is this doing to you?" Because by doing that I was stuck in the land of no where. I am someone who has difficulty showing anger. Once I let it all out, I got to a place where I have been able to let it go. You will get there, you just need time.

kj3880

You know that you did a beautiful thing for someone you love, and hopefully, you can feel good about it, even though you are in a lot of pain now. It remains to be seen if she can stay off drugs, so keep on praying for her. But honestly, you are better off letting her go her own way, especially for the first year or so of her recovery. Newly recovering addicts are no picnic, and a relationship problem can be enough to take the addict back to using. It's why no new relationships are usually suggested for us in our first year clean.

Moving on can be much easier with Naranon or Alanon meetings. Try one or four of them. And just keep feeling your feelings and moving through them. God is with you. And so are we.

It's Okay to have some hope that this woman may change her mind and look you up when she feels ready. Just make sure that if she does, you have your eyes wide open to see if she's staying with her program.

Keep posting. We all need you here!

Love,
KJ

SeaTurtle22

Thanks KJ.

I am hanging in there, having my good and bad days but trying to move forward. I really appreciate your kind words. My ex has been at the long term recovery facility (after the 28 day rehab) for 2 weeks now (no phone calls nor visitors during these first 2 weeks). Our friend might shoot me an email on the weekend or next week to let me know how she is doing.

I am planning to attend my first NAR-ANON meeting next week. My therapist actually gave me that as homework to do. She said it is not bad to just attend and try it out, and that it might be a good group therapy (something I have never done before). We'll see what happens.

I am keeping busy and still enjoying my life. I had my teenage niece over for the summer. That helped me since she provided companionship - and lots of extra work (cooking, cleaning) around the house since I only live with my dog! But we also spent a lot of qualify time and enjoyed ourselves going out to places.

She left last weekend and I felt pretty lonely then and started missing my ex a lot, but I got very good/close friends I can reach out to when needed.

Wish you all a relaxing and peaceful weekend. Take care.

SeaTurtle22

Hi everybody. Back to post an update.

First of all, I started attending nar-anon meetings this month and will continue to do so. I find them to be very helpful and insightful because there are others who share the same feelings, thoughts and have the same questions.

These 2 months have not been easy. I just hope this sadness passes soon. I called her Dad 2 weeks ago. He said she is doing better, still living in the sober/recovery house, trying to deal with anxiety and that she started running again - something she loved to do before the addiction took over her life.

I guess she recently gained access to a computer at the recovery house. On facebook she changed her status and took down all of our pictures - even ones I was not part of but part of the event. That hurt a lot. I felt as if she was breaking up with me all over again. Today she deleted her account.

I am stuck trying to understand the way she ended our relationship. Just one phone call and no explanation at all as to why...Is this typical? There was not even the option to remain friends. Is ending a relationship a standard suggestion/practice or are there other options for the addict/alcoholic in recovery? I understand they need to focus on their recovery but why the isolation and the no contact?

Thanks for any insight you may be able to provide.

summer017

Hi there

I feel like we are similar in a lot of aspects. I am still lost but getting better everyday with the belief that I have to let the chips fall where they may. It's not fair, it's not easy, but it is the way things need to go and that is something I am learning to deal with.

I cannot dwell and regret what has happened, only embrace the changes, keep an open mind and heart and pray that my addict will find his way and be happy. The happiness and health of our loved one is the most important aspect of any relationship, right? Whether in a relationship, or separated, you have shared times that will never be replaced, you have both learned from each other and are growing and evolving everyday. I would imagine that the reason she needed to cut things off so abruptly was coupled with a need to protect herself from changing her mind, and feeling anymore hurt.

Everything is positive right now, so keep moving upwards in your own life. You are strong and I hope you are able to continue learning new ways to find your strength through the times ahead.

I know how hard it is to feel so powerless and with no control over the situation but overtime you will heal, as she is right now too. Everything always works out as it should.


stay in touch, message me if you ever need to talk. keep posting

xoxo

SeaTurtle22

Hello.

I just couldn't help myself so I sent her (exAG in recovery) an email today. She is 82 days sober today. Not sure, because anything I hear is from other friends, but it seems like she has left the sober house and moved back to her apartment.

I asked her if I could see her and if we could talk. She responded saying "I'm sorry but I can't see you nor be in any kind of relationship with you."

For my own sake, I need someone to help me understand why she can still be friends with others but can't have any type of relationship with me. You don't tell someone you love him/her and a few hours later end the relationship. We were going to get married. Now it is as if I never existed. This just makes me feel as if I did something terrible to her, which I never did.

I know it is not about me, but that's the way I feel. And of course, she does not elaborate or explain to help me understand. This is so crazy! This is no way to treat people.

I have read quite a bit of posts describing something similar to my experience. One is in a realtionship, then other half ends the relationship after entering detox/rehab. Is there a way for someone to post a sticky note about this topic? About main reasons for this taking place?

I needed to vent a little...thanks to anyone out there right now. I know I have to move on, but easier said than done - at least for me. One day at a time.

Thanks for the nice post summer017

duet_4-8

Welcome to SR.

Your post brought tears to my eyes. What an incredible gift you are giving her, by understanding that her recovery has to come first. And what an awesome gift you are giving yourself, by pursuing your own.

Please stay and share with us! Your experience will help many, of that I am sure!

Blessings to you!

SeaTurtle22

Hello.

Yesterday, as if it was meant to be, the topic for my nar-anon was about detachment. Wow. I realize I am not the only one struggling with it, but need to work harder on it. It takes time. I need just to be patient with myself.

Somebody said something that strucked me. Her recent ex ABF told her that his sponsor said that most of the time the addict's partner is as sick or more than the addict. As she said, "I don't want to be that person," - I too don't want to be that either.

Sometimes I wonder why was it much easier for me to detach from my alcoholic father than with my ex. I have to recognize the fact that I really never had a relationship with him. I guess being in love matters too. She meant the world to me.

As to how often I saw my ex, being a long distance relationship we did pretty good, it was every month. I could only do so for 3-4 day weekends, but she had more time to spend a week or more. We were in contact on a daily basis. It got harder to be apart from each other. We realized the next logical step was to move-in together. I was moving to her town this fall, that was the plan. Since the break up I had to decline job interviews/offers. I am staying put where I am.

I know time will heal my wounds. I know I am strong. Life never stops. I have been wandering the halls for too long, so now is time to open another door or even another window.

Peaceful weekend for all.