Will I Ever Give Up?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 13
Will I Ever Give Up?
My addict and I have been together for 7 years. We have a 3 years old daughter and a 13 years old daughter that he has always treated as his own. When we met I could see the potential of a drinking problem, but at the time he wasn't an everyday drinker but a binge drinker. He was sober more than he was drunk. Over the years he's progressed and started using cocaine. The last 2 years have been a nightmare. he's tried rehab twice unsuccessfully. There were a couple of incidents that put a bad taste in his mouth (getting stood up by his sponsor) and he's given up on rehab helping him. The last time he stayed clean for 3 months he did it on his own, so he's "convinced" he has the power.
In any case, the reason I'm here to vent is because I can't stop loving him. I feel like I have a loose nut in my brain! Every time he relapses I kick him out (which in all actuality makes him worse, but I can't look the other way). I can manage to stay strong until the anger subsides, then I am mush. It's pathetic! I miss the sober him - my best friend who laughs with me, supports me, holds me when I cry and shares the love of our family. That man is the love of my life. He is the reason for some dumb a** reason I can't let go. I remind myself constantly that I can't have one without the other. In my mind it's like he's a Siamese twin and if I want to be with him then I am stuck with both him & the addict. I tell myself he's a dead horse, stop beating it....and still I want to be with him when he's trying to get better. DUH...he's just going to use again! I thought when he relapsed 2 months ago and I made him leave that I had finally given up...I had reached my boundary and lost all hope that he will ever get better. But months go by and I see him with the girls and I want to be in their group too. They're having fun making memories without me. I want to laugh with them, group hug & kiss them and do fun things with them. Damnit I want my family together! I want him home! I don't want to give up our dreams of the future! I feel I have to - that it's the "right" thing to do. No one will respect me if I don't, including my kids (Our teenager does not want him back home. She likes that he works so hard to make up for his mistakes and gives her whatever she wants. She's given up on him ever getting better and is in a very self-centered stage....of course.) Actually my mom and his mom are the only ones who support me staying with him but that's because they love him and love us as a family. But everyone else thinks I'm an idiot and I don't usually care what other people think except for the fact that I think I'm an idiot too.
And no, I have not been to a meeting in a long time. There are a couple of reasons...#1 - I don't like the structure of alanon. I found one decent group that was more of an open group session but the whole 4 of us seriously had the same conversation over & over again every Monday for like 6 months. Secondly, through the process of the steps, it has really strained my relationship with God to the point that I don't believe he has the power to help me. It my choice, my free will. If he does, where has he been for the past 3 years of my begging, pleading and sobbing? I'm not going to get into the destruction of my faith too much. If God decides to help me, I guess it's on his time.
I prefer to vent here than in a meeting. Usually I just keep it to myself and try to hide that I still love him,miss him & want to be with him. But we have been getting along lately and I just needed to tell someone that I miss my best friend and wish he were back home for good. I wish we could continue the growth of our gradually graying hair together in each others' arms everyday.
Thanks for listening.
In any case, the reason I'm here to vent is because I can't stop loving him. I feel like I have a loose nut in my brain! Every time he relapses I kick him out (which in all actuality makes him worse, but I can't look the other way). I can manage to stay strong until the anger subsides, then I am mush. It's pathetic! I miss the sober him - my best friend who laughs with me, supports me, holds me when I cry and shares the love of our family. That man is the love of my life. He is the reason for some dumb a** reason I can't let go. I remind myself constantly that I can't have one without the other. In my mind it's like he's a Siamese twin and if I want to be with him then I am stuck with both him & the addict. I tell myself he's a dead horse, stop beating it....and still I want to be with him when he's trying to get better. DUH...he's just going to use again! I thought when he relapsed 2 months ago and I made him leave that I had finally given up...I had reached my boundary and lost all hope that he will ever get better. But months go by and I see him with the girls and I want to be in their group too. They're having fun making memories without me. I want to laugh with them, group hug & kiss them and do fun things with them. Damnit I want my family together! I want him home! I don't want to give up our dreams of the future! I feel I have to - that it's the "right" thing to do. No one will respect me if I don't, including my kids (Our teenager does not want him back home. She likes that he works so hard to make up for his mistakes and gives her whatever she wants. She's given up on him ever getting better and is in a very self-centered stage....of course.) Actually my mom and his mom are the only ones who support me staying with him but that's because they love him and love us as a family. But everyone else thinks I'm an idiot and I don't usually care what other people think except for the fact that I think I'm an idiot too.
And no, I have not been to a meeting in a long time. There are a couple of reasons...#1 - I don't like the structure of alanon. I found one decent group that was more of an open group session but the whole 4 of us seriously had the same conversation over & over again every Monday for like 6 months. Secondly, through the process of the steps, it has really strained my relationship with God to the point that I don't believe he has the power to help me. It my choice, my free will. If he does, where has he been for the past 3 years of my begging, pleading and sobbing? I'm not going to get into the destruction of my faith too much. If God decides to help me, I guess it's on his time.
I prefer to vent here than in a meeting. Usually I just keep it to myself and try to hide that I still love him,miss him & want to be with him. But we have been getting along lately and I just needed to tell someone that I miss my best friend and wish he were back home for good. I wish we could continue the growth of our gradually graying hair together in each others' arms everyday.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
My qualifier is my 22 year old recovering addict daughter (RAD). I can't stop loving her either 
It reads like he's only been gone two months, and he's already doing better apart from you. Are you doing better? If you don't have to make any decisions right now, can you find a way to just let it be, see where it goes?
About the Higher Power thing... I call it Creator or Universe. It always answers. Good if I submit, bad if I don't. Every choice I make precedes the next moment in my life. My word for the month is synchronicity.
It reads like he's only been gone two months, and he's already doing better apart from you. Are you doing better? If you don't have to make any decisions right now, can you find a way to just let it be, see where it goes?
About the Higher Power thing... I call it Creator or Universe. It always answers. Good if I submit, bad if I don't. Every choice I make precedes the next moment in my life. My word for the month is synchronicity.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
Faith
Stay strong not because of anger, but because it is the only way for you and children to gain back your sanity and peace of mind.
best wishes
I can manage to stay strong until the anger subsides, then I am mush.
best wishes
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
sometimes our higher power doesnt deny our prays, he delays them.
I truly believe there are reasons for that..give it more time ,gain some
strength, take it slow, let your heart heal and with support and guidance you will find the right answers. I will say for me things have changed in the 7 months since our seperation so give it more time
I truly believe there are reasons for that..give it more time ,gain some
strength, take it slow, let your heart heal and with support and guidance you will find the right answers. I will say for me things have changed in the 7 months since our seperation so give it more time
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