iwantcontrol

I haven't posted for a while. I guess I don't really know what to say and I'm scared of telling you all that I'm in pretty much the same situation. I am dealing with my sidfe of things much better and leaving him more to his, but his drinking is still way too much and he's still rude and lies to me when drunk.

And yet, I'm still with him. That tells me I have a way to go with my own recovery. I'm gettign on with my own life much more but still enjoy having him in my life when he's sober. I'm stressed out during the week because of his drinking, and I never know what to expect if i'm meeting him. When he's drunk he seems like he's not trying to change at all and is a completely arrogant ***!@* but when he's sober he says he's doing his best blah blah blah. It's not good enough but I find it hard to tell him any of this when he's sober. Its all too easy to sweep the problems under the carpet to enjoy a nice weekend together, not having to mention alcohol. Then during the week I try so hard not to talk about it as he's drunk and it will cause an argument.

I dont know the best thing to do any more and Im torn - I want him in my life but I don't want to be with an alcoholic any more. I want to be able to make plans with my BF and not to be spoken to in a detrimental way. I've tried to tell him this beofre but nothing changes much. He's better at not seeing me when drinking and will now sometimes admit it, but thats not mcuh of an improvement really. I know most of you will just tell me I should leave him but as ever its not that simple.

I often get to the point when I think 'that's it, I'm ending things' but its always when he's drunk and I have to wait until he's sober to talk to him, and then he's back to normal and it seems daft that I was considering ending it. It makes me so confused.

He must be worse than I thought too - as he can't even go a day when he's not with me without drinking. He drinks every single day during the week. Not as much as he has done but still more than enough. He must be in denial and nothing seems to shock him into realising its a huge problem. Even losing me woudln't do it - he'd drink more I expect. I don't want to be his saviour - I want him to do it by himself. Guess I'm not going to get what I want. I'm just running out of coping mechanisms.

Even though I'm better in myself, I'm still a bit embarrassed to be back here in the same situation.

suki44883

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

iwantcontrol

But what can I do to change things? I feel stuck. I've done what I can on myself - now I need to tackle the relationship but how can I change this desturctive cycle?

suki44883

You can't change it. You cannot change HIM. You either put up with it or get out of it. Those are your only two options.

coyote21

It sounds like you are wondering when the pain stops. Have you read this? I found it very powerful:

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.


The Pain Stops: When you are ready.

I would like to add, when you are ready, you will know. Wild horses won't be able to stop you.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

loveon2legs

It is pretty much a black and white situation...I'm in the same boat...this past Sunday really opened my eyes to alot of things...i'm so tired of arguing with my husband about his drinking...it's pointless...I'm going to start saving some money up..and leave...maybe that's what u should think of doing as well?!

ChrrisT

It can't be both ways - He will ALWAYS be an alcoholic.

Active, dry, recovering.

I read something recently here, it went something like

"Don't steal the gift of "rock bottom" from your..."

Me, I had enough - I left - my RAH hit his rock bottom. Where ever that was (not my concern) Lucky for HIM - not me - I was doing fine.

It was not an ultimatum, it was my decision to get off his rollercoaster.

He made the choice to do what was best for him, I had nothing to do with it.

He chose recovery.

Do want you need for a happier life, maybe he will want to join you.

Either way you will be happy.

Keep posting

Thumper

You are the end of the cycle. IWC.

These are your options.

1) Accept him and the relationship as is and stay.

2) Accept him and the relationship as is and leave.

There is nothing else to do. The thing you need to tackle is acceptance. Capture that and you'll get unstuck.

nodaybut2day

My favourite thing to do when I feel stuck is TAKE ACTION. I make a list (my fav!) of things that need doing to get me out of situation X, and then go about doing the items on the list, without thinking about my fears and apprehension. I find it easier to just function on autopilot when I'm terrified.

Case and point: XAH threatened my family 2 weeks ago.
List:
Save voicemail message
Transcribe word for word (time and date)
Gather XAH's contact info (tel. #, SIN, mailing addy, working addy)
Call non-emergency number of police; ask for advice

It was scary, but I just kept my head down and ploughed ahead.

Seems you just need to ACT.

iwantcontrol

thanks everyone - I will reread all your messages tonight and take stock again. I need to have a conversation with him sober about how I'm thinking of leaving the relationship - we only talked about this when he's been drinking and he clearly doesnt believe i'm serious. When things are fine I think its strange i'm even considering ending it - that's what i need to hang on to.

Jadmack25

If you want to stay on the treadmill of his drinking or not drinking, so be it....If you want him sober, but keep away when he is drinking, so be it.

He is perfectly happy and content to keep on as is for HIMSELF, and let you run yourself into a tailspin because HE isn't hurting, or upset or scared or whatever it is YOU feel. You may be in distress or pain, but he feels none of that, so he keeps on drinking.

Look at YOUR lifestyle as it really is, your pain, upsets and then give yourself a good reason for staying with him.

You leave and get your life back on track and risk this relationship of sorts, because you can't know which way he will go. He may not even notice or care you went, or he may head for help and any scenario in between....who knows?

Meanwhile you have your life depending on him, and he lives his life depending on the booze, so I guess you are both being controlled by alcoholism, AND nothing will change til someone makes a move. Trust me, it won't be him as he feels fine, so that leaves you to make changes in yourself and for yourself.

Contrary to Alcoholic belief....the universe does NOT revolve around them, nor should other folks no matter how close they are to the A.

You will get to where YOU belong when it is the right time, listen for the little voice to tell you when that is.

God bless

Eight Ball

A word of warning - do not make idol threats. I have attempted this over and over again and have to make each threat even more dramatic than the last.

I don't speak to him for a day, then two, then a week or more, then I move out of the bedroom, then I move my clothes, then I ask him to leave, then I leave and get my own place - then I grovel and apologise to him for my wrongdoings, then I suggest marriage counseling and apologise to him in front of the counselor for my wrongdoings, then I move back in or he moves back in. Then whilst he is drunk later he ridicules me that it is always me that wants him back not the other way round.

Whats next for me! I am currently back to not speaking to my AH (1 week) following another verbal abusive drunken episode, sleeping in the spare room, planning to move my clothes in here this weekend and telling myself this time I am never going to speak to him ever again and feeling panicky when I here him moving around the house. Does that sound like a sane person. Good job I have Al-Anon tomorrow night.

If only I had hindsight, I wouldnt have put myself through all of that! I would have left him the first time he put a foot wrong and not taken him back until he had proved to me that he could stay sober. Well that's the happy ending anyway!

Dont say - do IMO, actions speak louder than words for both you and him.

suki44883

Over these several months, you have "talked" to him several times about your feelings. Nothing has changed. Why do you think talking to him one more time will be any different? Why are you so afraid to just let go? Why is staying in a relationship where you are unhappy, and have been for months, so important to you? Are you afraid you'll never find someone else? You certainly won't if you continue to tie yourself to someone who is NOT the person you want them to be. You are still trying to change him into what you want him to be.

seekingcalm

In my experience, having a conversation with an active alcoholic about their drinking, whether drunk or sober, is a no-win situation. There is so much denial, and so much lying, and so many empty promises. I agree with everyone who has said, Actions are what matter, on the part of everyone involved. Nothing else matters.

ChrrisT

YES be very careful.

Even during sober moments they still behave and think like drunks.

If talking is what you want (we've all tried it A LOT) be prepared for anything, stay calm.

But the truth is - when you are really ready to end it, there is no need for discussion. You'll just do it.

Alcoholics are not unique, they are all basically the same. rephrase - their behaviors and thinking are all the same.

Keep reading it will help

and good luck

nodaybut2day

Perhaps, after several such "talks" about how you're thinking of leaving, you'll come to realize that words, especially those directed at an active alcoholic, whether he be drunk or sober, are pointless.

If you're truly honest about this with yourself, I think you'll find that you still believe that by informing him of the seriousness of your intentions, he'll "wake up" and make a change. Or perhaps you're hoping for his blessing to finally give yourself permission to move on.

When you reach a certain point in your journey, which I hope is sooner rather than later, it won't matter what you say to him or him to you. You'll just open the door and walk out.

IamSaved

My life changed, when I changed my life.