Jenny1232

I haven't found the energy to muster up the strength to start a post...

Even without him, my life is still a roller coaster of emotions. One day I'm thinking of how grand life is away from him... and the next I'm crying uncontrollably thinking about how much I miss him.

I had many major set-back/relapses, and we were in contact for quite a bit. It was mainly me comforting him because he was so upset about all of this. He was crying and begging me everyday.. and we were actually civil towards one another. A lot of tears and "I love yous" on both end..

Then.. BAM. A few weeks ago he just turned angry and told me how much he hates me. He said he didn't love me anymore, I'm a crazy B!tch and I need to leave him alone. I was confused, so that's exactly what I did. I realized, he wasn't texting me at all anymore. No begging, no crying, no I love you. NOTHING.

In a moment of weakness this weekend, I texted him asking him if he'd met someone new, and to just tell me he didn't love me. I don't want him back... I just wanted to feel valued. He ignored. He ignored. He ignored. I tried calling him today (major regression) and he finally responded, telling me he didn't owe me anything, he didn't love me, I'm crazy and to F'ing leave him alone.

I don't know why I contacted him. I'm feeling sad and lonely, I guess. I've had numerous opportunities with several guys, and I'm not interested. I don't want a boyfriend, and I don't want my ex. However, I'm left completely hurt and confused at his odd behavior. How did he go from loving me one minute, to hating me the next?

I'm pissed off because I spent hours through his interrogation... and he couldn't give me ONE response.. he couldn't answer ONE question. He dropped me as if I meant nothing. I'm sitting here thinking about how the ex before him did the exact same thing to me. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. That something is wrong with me. I'm just so upset and confused. I don't understand.

I can't believe he's already moved on. I'm assuming she's hearing the exact same things I heard... as far as his crazy ex, and how deeply in love he is, and he'll give her everything she ever wanted. I know it's craziness, and I know nothings changed (clearly by his being so nasty to me)... and I know what she's in for... but yet, I can't stop crying. It hurts immensely...

I got a new therapist (go again today), I've been climbing three/four times a week, I've been eating a very clean diet, I've been doing cardio, I've been reading self-help, and I've been spending time with a different friend everyday. I'm too busy to really even engage in anything else, without overwhelming myself. Why do I still feel so sad, lonely, upset, heartbroken and torn?

I'm just shocked. He loved me. Now, he doesn't. And damn, it ***&ing hurts. I know I shouldn't have contacted him. I was just trying to be nice when he was in so much pain... I wish he could of done the same for me. I don't think I'm that bad of a person.

I'm hurting so bad....

Learn2Live

Sorry you are hurting Jenny but do you realize you are doing it to yourSELF? No one else is doing it to you. Jenny, exercise and eating right are GREAT things to do and staying busy is good too. But distracting yourself from yourself only works while you are actually distracting yourself. Have you gone to Al-Anon?

Jenny1232

I didn't like al-anon. Last time I attempted to go, it was shut down? There is only one day I can go.. and I wanted to make that my yoga night. I just... didn't like al-anon at all.

I do realize I am doing this to myself, I do. That's not to say I'm skipping the internal work on my part, because I'm not. I have a new psychologist who is a hard ass, and won't let me make excuses for anything else. I have this site for peer support. I'm not living with an active addict anymore.. and I just don't really see the need for al-anon anymore. Maybe I'm being narrow-minded? I just truly did not like it... I suppose I could find the time to manage going again...

Learn2Live

You may want to give yoga a break for a little while Jenny if you are having emotional difficulty, crying and such like you describe. The reason is that yoga OPENS YOU UP and RELEASES the emotions. So if you are already in an emotional situation, yoga will make you MORE emotional.

What you described to me sounds like you are GREAT with the physical part of your life. And it is GREAT also that you are not living with an active alcoholic. And it is good also you are going to a therapist to discuss things. The thing about Al-Anon is that it is not going to give you an IMMEDIATE fix to a problem, necessarily, so maybe that is why you did not like it. What it does is teach you TOOLS and gives you new perspective with which to see the world. You sound like a high-adrenaline kind of girl :O) I wish I had more of that in me. I tend to be more introspective than physical. I wish we could trade some with eachother.

Kittyboo

Jenny, if you're not open to al-anon, you're not going to be open to receiving positive benefits from it. You need to try and clear your mind of being closed off to it, and try being receptive to it if you are going to go again....

I think that your feelings and even your actions are completely normal. Your post is filled with a few contradictions because you are on this emotional roller coaster that you keep buying a ticket for.
Then.. BAM. A few weeks ago he just turned angry and told me how much he hates me. He said he didn't love me anymore, I'm a crazy B!tch and I need to leave him alone. I was confused, so that's exactly what I did. I realized, he wasn't texting me at all anymore. No begging, no crying, no I love you. NOTHING.

Then you said...
In a moment of weakness this weekend, I texted him asking him if he'd met someone new, and to just tell me he didn't love me.

He already told you he didn't love you. Why were you asking him to say it again? I'm not asking you this for you to necessarily answer to me....i'm asking for you to ask yourself.
You are getting SOMETHING out of this pain.

And why are you shocked?...again? Besides being an A, this guy just sounds like a jerk.

Your post reminded me of exactly why I keep in NC with my X. Why would I EVER put myself through that kind of pain? Not that you are going to do it again, but if you are getting an urge....ask yourself first, why would I EVER put myself through more pain??
Contacting them and reminding them of how hurt we are, is not punishing them..... removing ourselves from their lives COMPLETELY is punishing them.... then they no longer get the ego boost, and they no longer get the benefit of having us in their lives.

Hope you feel better soon.

fatty

Stay busy and surround yourself comforting projects and people. Also find new things you were held back from when you're having a good day.
I was signed up for this site by a guy who is a drug addicted alcoholic . He raped my g/f and now is harrassing me as well as everyone he can about it. He tricked her into meeting him at a bar he goes to to help him with his relationship with his ex wife ( her sister ). She never drinks and he bought her drinks and shots and convinced her to have a few with him. She got drunk and couldn't drive. He drove her home in her car and once there took her inside and to the bedroom where he undressed her. She said NO and he covered her mouth , told her nobody will ever know. He proceded to have his way. After the fact he calls her a liar it never happened , then facts came out and he changed story to shes a drunk **** and wanted it. Her own sister believes him and a good deed led to a family torn apart , nightmares and heartache from which I don't know if she'll recover. He continues to create lies and harass all that know.
As an example , he signed me up for this sight , as a joke . Trying to say she has a drinking problem, when he does.
I hope you recover and move on , dont look back. I felt since I have to endure this garbage from a maniac , maybe posting this would help someone understand others are suffering too in many ways.
Ladies , men need you ....... stay healthy , be yourself , enjoy your life and a guy will come along that's right for you and your lifestyle. Bars are not the place ...... that's where the " spiders " are waiting for you to come into their web.
Life will be better ........ leave the negative behind and meet new people. DO NOT tell them about the past , they don't know it , and to them it never happened. You get a fresh start with them , and that makes all the difference.

GOD Bless YOU

coffeedrinker

jenny

some responses:

you ARE good enough. would you trust a someone lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to life support and unable to take in or give out any communication, to somehow feed back to you what your worth is? someone who is not capable of even knowing you, relating to you, understanding you, or communicating to you? of course not. you are looking for your value from someone who is absolutely unable to give you that reinforcement.

he dropped you like you meant nothing? no he didn't. he told you that you're messed up, but that he loves you. he alternated between spewing hatred and begging you to give him more chances. the problem, though, is that because he is so messed up, he would never be able to be there for you anyway. so really, so what if he did or didn't drop you like nothing...he is not a reliable barometer for your worth.

as for your hours of comforting him and it not being reciprocal. well, we already knew this about him. he is an addict. he is self-absorbed. when we are with a "taker", it's always going to be unbalanced.


one day you will not seek out attention and love from someone who is so broken, and unable to love. it takes time sweetheart.

i'm glad you had the courage to post.

coffeedrinker

also:

i kept minimizing the amount of contact i had with mine. but almost every time there WAS contact, i ended up feeling just like you are: not valued, frustrated, sad.
i kept going to the well thinking that maybe this time there would be some water in it.
the best gift i gave myself was to end the relationship. the second best was to stop trying for connection, some kind of resolution, or anything from him for that matter.
it helped enormously.

Serenebynow

Oh Jenny, I'm sorry that you are feeling out of balance. This is how it feels when I start the process of changing myself. It's not so easy, but it is so worth the effort. I'm older and changing lifelong habbits and negative thought processes requires practice. Without my program (s) I can easily fall back into becoming irritable and unreasonable without knowing.
I just wanted to share that this last break-up with XABF, is similar to yours. He has made up his mind to move on. He hasn't come back like he did in past break-ups. He didn't even try to quit drinking/drugging this time to win my craziness back.
I am grateful.
I'm willing to take the time for me that I deserve. I've been so focused outside of myself for so long that turning within and putting me first is awkward. No perfection, but progress as they say in the rooms.
I just want to tell you, in case you forgot, that you are a beautiful person, worthy of more than you can even imagine. You are strong, wise, and worth the time it takes to blossom.

Jenny1232

I think it may be a power thing on MY part. I broke up with HIM... and now, he doesn't want ME. I think I'm looking to feel desirable by HIM only. I know a lot of guys interested in me.. and frankly, I'm repulsed by them (not that they're gross or anything, just no thank you).

I'm so frustrated that I put so much into this crappy relationship, and for what? Someone who claimed he loved me so much, he'd always protect me, etc... and he's just NASTY.

I know... I can't seek validation from a drug addicted alcoholic abusive sociopath... but part of me thinks he isn't any of those things. I'm in retardo thought mode: "what if he marries the next girl", "what if he's nice to her", "what if he's clean for her", "what if she's everything I wasn't".

I realize this is unproductive, and doing absolutely nothing but bringing me down - but, I can't stop the process... which is why I turned here. I'm driving myself insane with these stupid ass thoughts and questions, that will forever go unanswered.

With that said - I know this is a blessing. I truly do. I wouldn't want him back, even if he were begging for me. One my up days, life is better than it has been in a long, long time! For once, I feel great about living, and all of the potential opportunities. I just get stuck in a rut.

My chronic neck pain has just got me severely depressed. X-rays said I have phase II degeneration of my cervical spine... but, that's thru a chiropractor, so I have an appointment with my ortho for a MRI. Chronic pain truly wears one down. Some days I don't want to move... or think how I cannot live the rest of my life in constant, nagging pain. Maybe this is why I'm so upset? I don't want pain pills, but lately I HAVE to take them to get through the days.

I'm sorry to rant. I'm really upset.

Thanks for the responses though.. I know I cannot seek validation from him, and only myself. For once though, I honestly want to be single. I'm enjoying my freedom... my lack of interrogation... my busy life style.. setting and accomplishing goals. I do feel great, most of the time.

I'm always a contradiction. I won't make sense. Apologies for the redundancy.

Kittyboo

Coffeedrinker is so right!!

Think about that too.... what if you did hear what you think you want to hear from him, would it be enough??
There is too much damage that has been done.

When my X finally took "responsibility" for his actions towards me, and said he was sorry... it wasn't enough. The trust, the belief that he was a sincere person with me was GONE. And though he said part of what I wanted to hear it still ended up leaving me feeling less than, sad and frustrated that I even ended up speaking to him again.

When trust is gone, there is no kind of relationship...romantic or friendship.

Jenny1232

I know.. I'm just so insecure, which is something I'm working on building up. I've lost 20 pounds in the last few months, which feels great for someone with a distorted body image... My confidence is higher than it's ever been... but yet, I want to be desired by him. It's stupid really.

You're so right. It wouldn't be enough. I just need to get angry. I'm so upset that after all the pain I endured from him, I STILL LOVE HIM. I do NOT want to love him anymore.. him... oh, he doesn't care. He's just la la la, living life, as if I never was a part of it. It's so flippin' easy for him to move on... and THAT is what I'm envious of.

As mad as I get... as HARD as I try.. I still love the man who treated me like dog ****. I want to STOP loving him... to STOP thinking of him... STOP missing him.. and I'm beginning to wonder how dang long it will take.

ChrrisT

Jenny

You have a broken heart.

Before drugs and alcohol were even created - "they" created broken hearts.

Everything you are doing and feeling is totally normal.

The best part - once that reality is accepted you will know - that TIME will heal the pain.

That is a guarantee.

Then you can look back - and see how far you've come. Allow it the time it needs. (IMO)

iwantcontrol

I really do feel for you. When my longterm non-A ExBF broke up with me last year I felt exactly the same and was doing exercise, self-help etc etc and still i felt so low. It does fade and you sound like you're doing all you can to help yourself feel better so well done and keep going.

Your story has also meant something else to me - what is to come if I leave my ABF. I don't knwo how I could get through those feeligns again. Especially if he found someone else. Mayeb thats why its stopping me ending things.

Keep going, you're doing so well and you will get there in the end.

Thumper

Jenny,

You know this man is not going to ever give you validation. You know this, yet you continue to go to him seeking it and then experience the pain and confusion when you don't get it. You do it to yourself. You can put an end to it all on your own. He doesn't need to do or change a single thing.

You broke up with him. Yet *you* will not let him or yourself move on. You keep contacting him. Why exactly? If you do not want him, for heaven's sake do yourself and him both a favor and leave him alone.

It seems like you want to break up with him but only if he begs, chases, professes his undying love, and wallows around in self-misery without you. If he doesn't comply with this fantasy you start manipulating things to get that to happen, and then end up shocked, frustrated, and heartbroken when he doesn't play his part in this dramatic play you have in your head. Are you using that play as a measure of your self worth? Put yourself on top? Punish him? Punish yourself? It might be all and more, or none at all. I don't expect an answer I'm just trying to point out that your behavior is not at all healthy. You are refusing to step off the dance floor. As a matter of fact, he might be trying to leave and you are dragging him back on. You are now hooking him. It is the not so pretty side of co-dependency.

The way out lies with with addressing the co-dependency. Learn about it. Al-anon is great but if you can't do that learn about it as much as you can. Use the things you learn, not the things you feel or your heart/emotions, to dictate your behavior.

Also, it is normal to feel sadness and loss over a breakup. You have to work through those. Contacting him is a way to avoid them, or back up to try and make them go away, and that will never ever work. It just keeps you stuck in the middle of it.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. You are showing so much strength by coming here to SR. Carry it with you.

Jenny1232

You couldn't be more correct... and I think that's another reason I am beating myself up. I realize how unhealthy I'm behaving. I have at least become aware of my codependency, and have been trying to educate myself on it, and challenge my thoughts and behaviors. It's just damn hard. It's so ingrained in me. I do have "co-dependent no more"... but I'm starting to feel like a lost cause here.

Live

You are most certainly not a lost cause!

A year and an half ago my XH and I broke up. Do you know what infuriated and anguished me...he started doing the things I had wanted him to do when we were together and he wouldn't do then. It tore me flat up. Messed with my self esteem. Everything. ICKY!
BUT, a person doesn't change their lifestyle over night and soon enough he was back to being who and what he always was. That change was a blip on the screen.
Real change takes time. And a determined effort. So let me assure you that he hasn't suddenly gotten his act together to live happily ever after. For himself or anyone else. His acting hateful to you tells you that by itself.
Maybe get a piece of paper and write yourself the things you need to keep in mind when your emotions start to get the upperhand and keep it near so that you can pick it up and read it.
Breakups hurt. They just do. Please be gentle and kind to yourself!
hugs!

Thumper

You are not a lost cause. No one is ever a lost cause. Have you heard this......

A Goal is not a plan
Hope is not a strategy

I plucked it from a post here on SR and it is on my bulletin board.

Your goal is to be healthy and you are in the land of hope right now.

Hope and goals aren't getting you through. You need strategies and plans!

Plans to address the codependency. Al-anon? Therapy? More Reading? Some of the books recommended come with workbooks you can do on your own - I can't remember which ones but maybe you can start a new post or do a forum search. Do you do the exercises at the end of the chapters in Codependent No More?

Strategies. What are you going to do next time you get the desire to contact him? Something you haven't done before. Maybe something outside your comfort zone will be what it takes. You could post here first. I've done that. You could journal about it. Sometimes a walk will get my head clear but I usually need more then physical activity to really get my head out of a place I don't want it to be. Figure out what you need when you get the desire to contact him. Validation? Sense of being needed? Maybe do some volunteer work - something concrete and structured so the boundaries are external and already in place. I have no idea - I'm just throwing things out there as a way to get your thoughts moving. What steps are you going to take to meet your goal? Strategies are concrete steps that you can right down and check off. Things you do. They are more then hope and often hard work.

You aren't permanently stuck, you aren't a lost cause, you just have to move. When I first started posting I described my relationship with an alcoholic like running in quicksand. I ran and ran and ran and ran but I never moved further from the bad or closer to the good. I just sunk until I could no longer think straight or function. I have begun to realize that the quicksand was not alcohol. The quicksand was *mine*. It was my perceptions. Change myself internally, my perspective, take control of myself and my life, put actions behind my hopes and goals, and the quicksand changed and I began to move.

Jenny1232

Thank you for all of your support. I already feel WAY better. I have done some of the exercises in co-dependent no more, but I am not as structured as I could, or should be.

I feel no desire to contact him again. All it does is feed his ego. He pretty much answered my questions more or less, and I'd be too embarrassed to even send him another message.

Funny you mention volunteer work. Just joined Virginia German Shepherd rescue to do so! I went to the pet store the other day, and there were volunteers for that, and it inspired me.

I know it doesn't seem like it, but I really am doing a lot of internal work. I'm just 1,000 steps behind everyone here, due to my extremely low self-esteem/self-worth. I'm a coming along, slowly but surely. Thank you for reassuring me that I am not a lost cause, it really does help.

I enjoyed that artical Anvil, so thank you!

ChrrisT

NO WAY!! I'm not even hearin' that!!

In just one day look how much better your doing and feeling. Your not in bed hidden under the covers. Your working towards a solution!!!

Every minute of positive makes you healthier and stronger.

Charge On Girl!!!