Opivotal

Hi Everyone,

I've been thinking about my behavior lately during blackouts. Wondering why I turn from a happy place to an angry mean person. Phoning people and saying awful things to them. Of course I can't remember saying them but am curious if its because I'm actually angry or its some effect of the alcohol?

I'm sober for close to 50 days now and have alot of questions about why I did the things I did. Like how one becomes an alcoholic . Is it genetic, is it because I'm weak willed, is it just too much alcohol for my body and that creates an addiction? Like learned behavior? Maybe all the above. I've been reading a lot and I'm a bit confused.

Would anyone like to give me their opinion? I would welcome the input. I respect the people here and value their knowledge.
Thanks so much!

loveon2legs

Hi Opivotal First off congrats to you on 50 days!! that's wonderful!!

During my drinking days,especially after my Dad passed away my behaviour was horrible...when I got drunk this evil side came out and I was mean....I know alot of it was anger...and the alcohol fueled that emotion....so I know for me it was a combination...I had this attitude that I just didn't care...... I remember however times when I was younger and more carefree, I was a happy drunk....but always had it in me to turn on a dime.....
Try not to focus too much on the things you've done, it's good to acknowledge it but I find it detremental to stay there too long.. focus on all the possibilities you have now that you are sober!!
All the best my friend...

least

I drank at home by myself but did do some driving while drinking - bad bad bad! Mostly I just got more depressed and hated myself more. I'm just glad that my attitude is completely different now and much more positive. I regret my drinking behavior/attitude, but am just glad I no longer think/act that way.

dasjefe

I've had similar problems with controlling my behavior under the influence of alcohol. For some reason, in spite of drinking huge amounts of alcohol, I have never experienced black-outs and subsequently I have memories of most of the horrible things I've said and done during serious and desperately awful drinking episodes. There is a huge amount of guilt that arises from not being capable of civil conduct with another human being and it can become very easy to backslide into drinking because of these feelings of dread and remorse. That was my trap. The realization that I've come to, after burning many bridges and sabotaging what might have been productive and life affirming relationships is this: The idea that people reveal their 'true' self when they drink is a falsehood. Our personalities are very complex things, and it's a gross oversimplification to think that somehow when you get drunk you become more honest and reveal your true feeling about someone. This just isn't the case. Our restraint, empathy and understanding of others is just as much a part of who we are as any other features. The fact that alcohol can remove these things for some people doesn't mean it's making you show your true feelings. It is distorting and perverting your personality. The problem is the next day the sober you is going to have to deal with the consequences. In large part my problems with outburst like this is what has motivated me to start going to AA meetings and sober up. And I completely agree with loveon2legs, it's best not to dwell too much on the bad things you've done in the past.

I don't know if there is a broad consensus in the scientific community about the specific causes of alcoholism. Although, I believe it's generally seen as being multi-factorial and involving genetic and social mechanisms. So, I think all of the above would probably be the best answer... but I'm no expert.

Congrats on the 50 days.

Kerbcrawler

Hi opivotal, how very true the above statements..there is no mistaking, that some of the nasty things ive said, carefree disrespectful drunk,..so de,sensitised to other ppls feelings,was for me a huge factor in wanting out of drinking, like others said, the loss of dignity and at times pitiful behaviour, the aftermath guilt shame self loathing, remorse, all those things that mentally torment you, are really not worth the slight happy buzz you may get for a couple of hours a day..if your lucky..i found, no sir, self respect sober considerate sensitive again to others, an most of all in full control...way to go..i dont look back in anger anymore..for the mayhem an craziness..that was once my twisted norm...:day6 Freedom..

NEOMARXIST

In terms of the actual solution to alcoholism then I came to the conclusion that all of the whys? etcetcetc were a fruitless exercise and didn't really serve any real purpose in keeping me sober and grateful 'one day at a time'. Like I'm a messy blackout, slurring, drunk when I drink. I just am. It doesn't matter how much I tried to analyse that then as soon as I picked up a drink then I would be drinking untill blackout and taking shed-loads of drugs for 3 days solid. I didn't used to be like that but it progresses. It is what it is. I was always a total f*ck-head.

Now I'm a recovering alcoholic with over a year sober and I'm extremely grateful. That isn't to say that you have to shut your mind off totally and just be a robot, I certainly ain't that, but all of my hypothesizing just got me drunk and totally and utterly depressed and hopeless.

I decided to concentrate my energies and efforts into living sober 'one day at a time'.

peace

swag2

I am swag . I am new at this forum. Ican tell ya however that I almost always blacked out after going over a certain amount. Last 10 years or so its just been beer but after 15 or so I remember very little of the night before, sleepwalking , urinating in closets , waking up in strange places and the worst-texting family, my 2 girls especially and sending mean spitefull hate filled messages as well as e mailing freinds with hate mail. well I lost all those people and no amount of ammends will fix it and the sad part is I dont even remember doing these things, so I can totally relate. Why this happens I have no clue but I never ever want to live like that again. swag

jamdls

The last 10 yrs I drank I got meaner and meaner and I never knew why and I always blacked out so I'd only find out how mean I was by emails I sent or by someone telling me. One of the things that helped me stay sober the most early on was that I didn't want to be that mean person anymore. With me I think the anger that came out when I was drunk was really anger at myself, I hated myself and I think I wanted others to think as porely of me as I thought of myself. I'm glad that is the past because I love me now!

Anna

I had times when I had no memory of what had happened, and it's a horrible feeling. And, I know that I was very angry, and that the anger was directed towards myself. I do think it's a genetic presdisposition to addiction and then life circumstances added to that, which set off an addiction.

artsoul

I'm not an expert on this, but I remember a few classes we had in treatment that talked about how alcohol works on brain. It's very similar to the stages of anesthesia. The first thing it does is shut off our inhibitions and higher functions of thought. The more we drink, the more we approach more of a kind of primal/instinct area.

Often, people just coming out of anesthetic will say and do things that they wouldn't normally say/do (tell a doctor he's fat, pitch a childish fit, try to pull out their tubes, etc.). So, in essence, whatever conscience we have that keeps us from acting out doesn't function at a certain level of intoxication.

Opivotal

Wow........I just Love this forum. Thanks each and everyone of you for your input. What's so great about these postings is everyone has a message and gives from their heart. Puts things in perspective. Sometimes I get stuck in my own head.

I also made my mind up to stop drinking when I woke from a blackout and had that terrible sense of doom. Knowing I failed after promising myself it would never happen again. Alcohol was controlling my life not the other way around. Of course I knew this but was unable to stop. I felt humiliated and just couldn't face myself in the mirror anymore.
I guess its normal when you get sober and your mind clears to think of the past in a different way? I have a lot of regrets. This must be what everyone talks about when they say putting down the alcohol is just the beginning of recovery?
How to start loving yourself again? I'm not sure how to do this. Being sober helps but where do you go from there?
Appreciate any suggestion!
Thanks again

chicubs1

After nearly 7 months sober, I can tell you the best thing I did was make amends with the people I hurt most. I was a very mean drunk. As I've gotten older, I wasn't getting in fights, but acting very foolishly and saying things I still can't believe. Facing those demons was the first step toward loving and respecting myself again. The first month was brutal because I really put myself out there and talked openly with my wife and my very close friends about what I'd done to hurt them over the years. I won't lie - coming to grips with some of my actions was painful. There are some things only time will allow me to forgive myself for, even I've been forgiven by others. I didn't do AA, but have been guided by someone who did (ironically my best friend and the last person I hurt most during my last blackout) and we've talked a lot about that step toward recovery. Good luck!