It is hard to ask, but I need help....bad!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
It is hard to ask, but I need help....bad!
Hello, my name is Beth and I am an alcoholic in recovery, with two children who are active users.
My oldest son just went back out on heroin and is awaiting a felony prison term for breaking into a shipping container. Fortunately for him, he will not die right now, and will be as safe as an addict can be.
My trouble today is my 17 year old daughter. She was arrested last night for assault and battery on her boyfriend. She assaulted bf in front of a whole building full of tenants in our apartment complex. She blew a .219.
When I saw her she was a mess, and I don't think she even recognized me.
They arrested her and her arraignment is this afternoon.
I know it is late notice for the codie bus, but I need some backbone when she starts crying and calling me mommy. Oh yes, she manipulates me. I have great guilt from being so depressed I did not notice her abuse of xanax and being molested by a 52 year old man when she was fourteen.
Remind me that she will not get it until her mind is clear. She is very perceptive, intuitive and smart (and uses it as manipulation when using) but cannot think straight when abusing alcohol.
she was supposed to graduate from juvenile drug court on the 27th of this month, after 13 months in the program. she did manage to graduate high school and she applied for community college in the fall.
Tell me again how I will love her to death if I allow her to continue to live this life. How I lived this life for twenty years until I hit a bottom. I do not want a twenty year sentence of misery for her.
Maybe a little jail time, and a thirty day lockdown treatment will be her bottom. Her PO just called and told me she would be there to back me up.
Dammit, I hate alcohol. Hate it.
Please tell the right thing is to leave her in jail, cause I am unable and unequipped to keep her from abusing. Thank you.
Beth
My oldest son just went back out on heroin and is awaiting a felony prison term for breaking into a shipping container. Fortunately for him, he will not die right now, and will be as safe as an addict can be.
My trouble today is my 17 year old daughter. She was arrested last night for assault and battery on her boyfriend. She assaulted bf in front of a whole building full of tenants in our apartment complex. She blew a .219.
When I saw her she was a mess, and I don't think she even recognized me.
They arrested her and her arraignment is this afternoon.
I know it is late notice for the codie bus, but I need some backbone when she starts crying and calling me mommy. Oh yes, she manipulates me. I have great guilt from being so depressed I did not notice her abuse of xanax and being molested by a 52 year old man when she was fourteen.
Remind me that she will not get it until her mind is clear. She is very perceptive, intuitive and smart (and uses it as manipulation when using) but cannot think straight when abusing alcohol.
she was supposed to graduate from juvenile drug court on the 27th of this month, after 13 months in the program. she did manage to graduate high school and she applied for community college in the fall.
Tell me again how I will love her to death if I allow her to continue to live this life. How I lived this life for twenty years until I hit a bottom. I do not want a twenty year sentence of misery for her.
Maybe a little jail time, and a thirty day lockdown treatment will be her bottom. Her PO just called and told me she would be there to back me up.
Dammit, I hate alcohol. Hate it.
Please tell the right thing is to leave her in jail, cause I am unable and unequipped to keep her from abusing. Thank you.
Beth
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hugs to you...it sounds like you need that.
I guess you will just have to ask yourself what are you going to do next week and the week after and the week after when she continues down this road if you bail her out of this problem. I realize my problem is with my husband not my daughter, so that is totally different. However, I will say that if there is anything I have learned is that I should have made him deal w/this problem years ago or left. It would have saved me so much grief, and just as importantly, saved himself so much grief.
As a codie we want to help so badly. What anyone will tell you is that they will help themselves WHEN THEY ARE READY! If we step in before that we are only hurting an already bad situation. If you daughter is ready she will seek help. She will have to suffer the consequences of what she has done. At my husbands court date he saw a man who had relapsed after the judge had given him a chance. He was carted off to serve his remaining four years of his suspended sentence. I think that was the biggest wake up call of all for him. To see this is reality, he can and may serve time.
You cannot solve this for her. Luckily she has age on her side and if you let her, she will learn her lesson young in life. You are a good person, do not blame yourself for this. She has gotten herself here, she will get herself out. It is amazing the help out there an addict can find when THEY start looking THEMSELVES and when they are willing to use the help they are offered. Someone told me just last night, you can detach with love, it does not have to be with anger. You are still detaching and you are still loving.
She also said this. "If your addict has a headache are you going to take two asprin?" It took me a second but I get it. I think you do too.
Good Luck to you and God Bless. I will be praying for you.
Thank You!:ghug3
I guess you will just have to ask yourself what are you going to do next week and the week after and the week after when she continues down this road if you bail her out of this problem. I realize my problem is with my husband not my daughter, so that is totally different. However, I will say that if there is anything I have learned is that I should have made him deal w/this problem years ago or left. It would have saved me so much grief, and just as importantly, saved himself so much grief.
As a codie we want to help so badly. What anyone will tell you is that they will help themselves WHEN THEY ARE READY! If we step in before that we are only hurting an already bad situation. If you daughter is ready she will seek help. She will have to suffer the consequences of what she has done. At my husbands court date he saw a man who had relapsed after the judge had given him a chance. He was carted off to serve his remaining four years of his suspended sentence. I think that was the biggest wake up call of all for him. To see this is reality, he can and may serve time.
You cannot solve this for her. Luckily she has age on her side and if you let her, she will learn her lesson young in life. You are a good person, do not blame yourself for this. She has gotten herself here, she will get herself out. It is amazing the help out there an addict can find when THEY start looking THEMSELVES and when they are willing to use the help they are offered. Someone told me just last night, you can detach with love, it does not have to be with anger. You are still detaching and you are still loving.
She also said this. "If your addict has a headache are you going to take two asprin?" It took me a second but I get it. I think you do too.
Good Luck to you and God Bless. I will be praying for you.
Thank You!:ghug3
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
(((Beth))),
I came to SR several years ago, just randomly surfing the internet and clicking on links, not really even realizing I was searching for answers as to why my 20-something year old son was acting the way he was. As I began reading posts from parents, mostly moms, about their sons and daughters' addictions, I recognized the signs and realized that my son was addicted to some form of substance abuse. Now, I had previously been through the gamut of Codependent No More readings and al-anon organizations, having been married to and divorced from an alcoholic husband. So when the realization hit me about my son, I jumped onboard IMMEDIATELY to the advice I read here, on SR's Family and Friends pages, by other parents dealing with their own grown children.
What a relief it was for ME to surrender my control of my own grown child to his HP, and to lean on my own HP for that relief. I can't tell you how much has changed in my life since that day back in December, 2007, but believe me, it was the RIGHT thing to do. Read here, stick here with the wise people who have walked this walk as parents of addicted grown children, and remember that at the beginning and end of each day, the only person you truly have any control or influence on, is YOU. If YOU are messed up, or focusing your energies elsewhere, you won't be any good to anyone else. Remember the 3 C's, girl. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Both of your kids are facing the consequences of THEIR choosing. You didn't get drunk last night and assault someone, so there is no blame here on you. And your guilt isn't going to change anything either. It's so freeing to accept that you have no control here, and to turn your daughter over to her own HP, who knows way better than you how to help. Trust this. Stick around for support. Don't answer the phone if you know you aren't strong enough. No contact can be temporary, and might help all parties involved, so think about that maybe as a temporary solution.
Good luck. I'm sorry you have to be here, but I encourage you to step back, let go completely, and relieve yourself of this burden for today. It's not really YOUR battle anyway, it's hers.
I came to SR several years ago, just randomly surfing the internet and clicking on links, not really even realizing I was searching for answers as to why my 20-something year old son was acting the way he was. As I began reading posts from parents, mostly moms, about their sons and daughters' addictions, I recognized the signs and realized that my son was addicted to some form of substance abuse. Now, I had previously been through the gamut of Codependent No More readings and al-anon organizations, having been married to and divorced from an alcoholic husband. So when the realization hit me about my son, I jumped onboard IMMEDIATELY to the advice I read here, on SR's Family and Friends pages, by other parents dealing with their own grown children.
What a relief it was for ME to surrender my control of my own grown child to his HP, and to lean on my own HP for that relief. I can't tell you how much has changed in my life since that day back in December, 2007, but believe me, it was the RIGHT thing to do. Read here, stick here with the wise people who have walked this walk as parents of addicted grown children, and remember that at the beginning and end of each day, the only person you truly have any control or influence on, is YOU. If YOU are messed up, or focusing your energies elsewhere, you won't be any good to anyone else. Remember the 3 C's, girl. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Both of your kids are facing the consequences of THEIR choosing. You didn't get drunk last night and assault someone, so there is no blame here on you. And your guilt isn't going to change anything either. It's so freeing to accept that you have no control here, and to turn your daughter over to her own HP, who knows way better than you how to help. Trust this. Stick around for support. Don't answer the phone if you know you aren't strong enough. No contact can be temporary, and might help all parties involved, so think about that maybe as a temporary solution.
Good luck. I'm sorry you have to be here, but I encourage you to step back, let go completely, and relieve yourself of this burden for today. It's not really YOUR battle anyway, it's hers.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
You already know these things, but yes, you should leave her in jail. You should be done enabling her and allow her to fully face the consequences of her actions. She has no reason or incentive to quit otherwise. Remember...letting go takes love and does not mean that you have stopped caring. Hang in there. In jail she will be off the streets and have a three hots and a cot. She'll get off the drugs and have the opportunity to get the help she needs. Don't stand in her way. 
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Location: Waterford MI
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She also said this. "If your addict has a headache are you going to take two asprin?" It took me a second but I get it. I think you do too.
thank you hopeful4.
this has helped me alot.
yes, she is young and smart, she needs me to get out of her way.
geez.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 27
Hi Beth ... so sorry to hear your dilema, I don't have children (unless you count my AH)and can't imagine how painful this must be for you. You give such good advice, help and wisdom and know it will come to you. Hugs& blessing Roon x
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Both of your kids are facing the consequences of THEIR choosing. You didn't get drunk last night and assault someone, so there is no blame here on you. And your guilt isn't going to change anything either. It's so freeing to accept that you have no control here, and to turn your daughter over to her own HP, who knows way better than you how to help. Trust this. Stick around for support. Don't answer the phone if you know you aren't strong enough. No contact can be temporary, and might help all parties involved, so think about that maybe as a temporary solution.
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You should be done enabling her and allow her to fully face the consequences of her actions.
thank you.
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Wicked..I have a son and a daughter too. They are both hard ! But... Daughters and mothers have that dynamic. I had BARELY talked to my daughter in 5 mo. when she went to rehab. She listed the person she is closest to as me.. I was shocked..what about her abusive addict bf? But that bond is soo strong. I have had several friends tell me that it was hard when their sons were using, but nothing like when their daughters did.. You do worry and want to help. Obviuosly you know how tough and resourseful you were, she is too. Hopefully she will not have a 20 yr. progression as she has great role model of sobriety to look to. You know what to do..and we here support you!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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Beth, honey, how far from 18 is she? In this country, at 18, our society says that she is a legal adult. In my eyes, since she has graduated high school, she is an adult. I left home at 17 and in my mind was fully and completely, 100 percent responsible for EVERYthing I did. I knew that the consequences of my decisions were fully mine to bear. This is called, "free moral agent." We are ALL free moral agents. If you continue to treat her as the opposite of a free moral agent, she will never learn that she has CHOICES and that she is making some really bad ones. Unfortunately, words out of our mouths do not appear to have ANY effect on the behavior of those people we would like to modify. If only that were true, we could ALL of us make perfect the world for everyone we love, right? But we can't, can we? Oh Beth, I feel badly for you...
Of course, I did not make the best decisions in every part of my life at that age, but I dealt with the fallout from each and every one of them, without my parents, and that is how I have learned over the years. My parents had, and have, their OWN problems and I recognized that; that was part of why I left in the first place.
I am not sure what the function of her P.O. "backing you up" is supposed to be. Her P.O. is there as a direct consequence of her OWN behavior. I don't understand this set-up. The P.O. should be doing her job, and not relying on you to make the decisions about your daughter's probation. Can you step OUT of the relationship she has with her P.O.? It is not your place to be in the middle of, is it?
I think you may be trying to control the outcomes. It sounds like you have an idea of how you think things should go for her, what is going to be her rock bottom. You cannot determine her rock bottom and any attempts to manipulate the outcomes for her are only going to make it worse, dontcha' think? Can you get to some Al-Anon meetings? Can you try to Let Go and Let God? Can you not imagine what is going to happen to her if something does or does not happen, and just live in the Present Moment? Can you breathe deep and meditate a little, allowing your mind to be free, and recognize that this too shall pass? Can you please let go of the guilt you have about whatever happened to her when she was 15?
Can you stop taking the blame for whatever happened to her? Because I tell you, I was molested my entire childhood and teenage years, by no less than 5 different people, and NONE of that CAUSED me to do ANYTHING. Not even the rape at age 14 caused me to do anything. Your depression did not CAUSE your daughter to be molested. That is just blame and we have no room in life for blame! And anyone who tells you any different, that you are to blame for what happened, is just plain wrong. As the parent you did the BEST job you were ABLE to do, with what you had to work with at the time. This world is a sick world and things happen, every moment of every day, that are fully and completely OUT OF OUR CONTROL and INFLUENCE. You did the best you could and honestly, continuing to BLAME yourself for ANYTHING is only going to continue to provide an EXCUSE for her continued bad choices and bad behavior. If you want to HELP her, you gotta' stop with the guilt. Let it go hon.
Beth, honey, let your daughter BE the survivor that she IS. Let her feel her own pain and her own fear and do what she needs to do anyway. Let her feel the struggle of climbing out of the hole she has dug for herself. Don't do it for her; she cannot learn to live that way and you cannot do it for her.
Take good care of yourself. Keep breathing. Get something to eat. Walk around the neighborhood, ANYTHING to keep yourself going and get your mind off what is happening with those two.
LOVE YA'!
Of course, I did not make the best decisions in every part of my life at that age, but I dealt with the fallout from each and every one of them, without my parents, and that is how I have learned over the years. My parents had, and have, their OWN problems and I recognized that; that was part of why I left in the first place.
I am not sure what the function of her P.O. "backing you up" is supposed to be. Her P.O. is there as a direct consequence of her OWN behavior. I don't understand this set-up. The P.O. should be doing her job, and not relying on you to make the decisions about your daughter's probation. Can you step OUT of the relationship she has with her P.O.? It is not your place to be in the middle of, is it?
I think you may be trying to control the outcomes. It sounds like you have an idea of how you think things should go for her, what is going to be her rock bottom. You cannot determine her rock bottom and any attempts to manipulate the outcomes for her are only going to make it worse, dontcha' think? Can you get to some Al-Anon meetings? Can you try to Let Go and Let God? Can you not imagine what is going to happen to her if something does or does not happen, and just live in the Present Moment? Can you breathe deep and meditate a little, allowing your mind to be free, and recognize that this too shall pass? Can you please let go of the guilt you have about whatever happened to her when she was 15?
Can you stop taking the blame for whatever happened to her? Because I tell you, I was molested my entire childhood and teenage years, by no less than 5 different people, and NONE of that CAUSED me to do ANYTHING. Not even the rape at age 14 caused me to do anything. Your depression did not CAUSE your daughter to be molested. That is just blame and we have no room in life for blame! And anyone who tells you any different, that you are to blame for what happened, is just plain wrong. As the parent you did the BEST job you were ABLE to do, with what you had to work with at the time. This world is a sick world and things happen, every moment of every day, that are fully and completely OUT OF OUR CONTROL and INFLUENCE. You did the best you could and honestly, continuing to BLAME yourself for ANYTHING is only going to continue to provide an EXCUSE for her continued bad choices and bad behavior. If you want to HELP her, you gotta' stop with the guilt. Let it go hon.
Beth, honey, let your daughter BE the survivor that she IS. Let her feel her own pain and her own fear and do what she needs to do anyway. Let her feel the struggle of climbing out of the hole she has dug for herself. Don't do it for her; she cannot learn to live that way and you cannot do it for her.
Take good care of yourself. Keep breathing. Get something to eat. Walk around the neighborhood, ANYTHING to keep yourself going and get your mind off what is happening with those two.
LOVE YA'!
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Location: Kansas
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(((Beth)))
I beat myself up for a long time over past parenting, or lack thereof, all the years my oldest was growing up.
Unfortunately that colored a lot of my decisions on her behalf.
Guilt serves us no purpose but to stay stuck in the past, and not be present in the moment.
Just as God forgave me, he's forgiven you too. It's time you forgave yourself.
You will find that once you do that, it is easier to do what you need to do in order to stay strong.
I beat myself up for a long time over past parenting, or lack thereof, all the years my oldest was growing up.
Unfortunately that colored a lot of my decisions on her behalf.
Guilt serves us no purpose but to stay stuck in the past, and not be present in the moment.
Just as God forgave me, he's forgiven you too. It's time you forgave yourself.
You will find that once you do that, it is easier to do what you need to do in order to stay strong.
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Beth, honey, let your daughter BE the survivor that she IS. Let her feel her own pain and her own fear and do what she needs to do anyway. Let her feel the struggle of climbing out of the hole she has dug for herself. Don't do it for her; she cannot learn to live that way and you cannot do it for her.
wow. she can do this.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
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Tell me again how I will love her to death if I allow her to continue to live this life.
Sometimes it's easy for me to forget that I really have very little control over my own daughter and she's only 8. God help me/her in a few years.
As far as the 52yo dirt bag, may he get just as good as he gave in prison, many times over.
He is in prison isn't he? If not, maybe you could make "that" your mission. Might save the next 14yo. Probably help with that guilt thing too. IDK.
I do know that when it's your kid that's your ticket, it's gotta be the worst.
So sorry.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Sometimes it's easy for me to forget that I really have very little control over my own daughter and she's only 8. God help me/her in a few years.
As far as the 52yo dirt bag, may he get just as good as he gave in prison, many times over.
He is in prison isn't he? If not, maybe you could make "that" your mission. Might save the next 14yo. Probably help with that guilt thing too. IDK.
I do know that when it's your kid that's your ticket, it's gotta be the worst.
So sorry.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Wicked... I don't have children... but I was molested when I was 8... I am a survivor. I do feel your pain...
It was my cross to bear... I am so very thankful... instead of becoming manipulative and harmful to others.... I learned the true meaning of forgiveness... so that I could help others that have walked my path.
This is not your cross to bear... not now... not then... because your daughter is very perceptive, intuitive and smart ... she'll learn from this experience... don't rob her of the gift of hitting bottom... that is the greatest gift you can give her.
Tough love.
(hugs)
It was my cross to bear... I am so very thankful... instead of becoming manipulative and harmful to others.... I learned the true meaning of forgiveness... so that I could help others that have walked my path.
This is not your cross to bear... not now... not then... because your daughter is very perceptive, intuitive and smart ... she'll learn from this experience... don't rob her of the gift of hitting bottom... that is the greatest gift you can give her.
Tough love.
(hugs)
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I am not sure what the function of her P.O. "backing you up" is supposed to be. Her P.O. is there as a direct consequence of her OWN behavior. I don't understand this set-up. The P.O. should be doing her job, and not relying on you to make the decisions about your daughter's probation. Can you step OUT of the relationship she has with her P.O.? It is not your place to be in the middle of, is it?
The juvenile PO was to back up the fact that my daughter has not gotten the program, or that elusive "it" that would get her back on track. She didnt have to say anything, and it was nice to have her there, we have worked together for over a year.
My daughter showed up on a TV screen, and boy, I was glad she couldnt see me.
The judge explained to her what was happening and what would happen in the next few days.
Next court date in front of the the judge who just sentenced her last month for another MIP (minor in possession). I think her choices will be jail or rehab or jail until a bed opens up, she cannot come home.
She called me after court, still trying to get me to bond her out. I told her I cannot do that, now she needs to feel the consequences. Sadly, she tried to convince me that 24 hours in holding convinved of her evil ways. I said, no, honey, you were on daily breathalysers and still drank.. You need to really, really get that you have a big problem.
Strangely enough, she stopped crying and agreed with me.
Wanted to be sure I would be there on Thursday.
I said I would, and she might have to spend more time locked up, she got a little more teary, but said, "I know."
Anyway, it wasnt nearly as bad as I thought and I am relieved she is safe.
Thank you all for your support.
I have printed out this thread to help me on Thursday.
Anymore words of wisdom are greatly and humbly appreciated.
Thank you again,
Beth
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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Posts: 545
Originally Posted by wicked 
Oh, this po was for her juvenile drug court which she was supposed to graduate from on the twenty seventh of this month (obviously, that is not happening now). She has a different ADULT PO now, who I am sure will hold her accountable for what has happened this past weekend.
The juvenile PO was to back up the fact that my daughter has not gotten the program, or that elusive "it" that would get her back on track. She didnt have to say anything, and it was nice to have her there, we have worked together for over a year.
My daughter showed up on a TV screen, and boy, I was glad she couldnt see me.
The judge explained to her what was happening and what would happen in the next few days.
Next court date in front of the the judge who just sentenced her last month for another MIP (minor in possession). I think her choices will be jail or rehab or jail until a bed opens up, she cannot come home.
She called me after court, still trying to get me to bond her out. I told her I cannot do that, now she needs to feel the consequences. Sadly, she tried to convince me that 24 hours in holding convinved of her evil ways. I said, no, honey, you were on daily breathalysers and still drank.. You need to really, really get that you have a big problem.
Strangely enough, she stopped crying and agreed with me.
Wanted to be sure I would be there on Thursday.
I said I would, and she might have to spend more time locked up, she got a little more teary, but said, "I know."
Anyway, it wasnt nearly as bad as I thought and I am relieved she is safe.
Thank you all for your support.
I have printed out this thread to help me on Thursday.
Anymore words of wisdom are greatly and humbly appreciated.
Thank you again,
Beth
The juvenile PO was to back up the fact that my daughter has not gotten the program, or that elusive "it" that would get her back on track. She didnt have to say anything, and it was nice to have her there, we have worked together for over a year.
My daughter showed up on a TV screen, and boy, I was glad she couldnt see me.
The judge explained to her what was happening and what would happen in the next few days.
Next court date in front of the the judge who just sentenced her last month for another MIP (minor in possession). I think her choices will be jail or rehab or jail until a bed opens up, she cannot come home.
She called me after court, still trying to get me to bond her out. I told her I cannot do that, now she needs to feel the consequences. Sadly, she tried to convince me that 24 hours in holding convinved of her evil ways. I said, no, honey, you were on daily breathalysers and still drank.. You need to really, really get that you have a big problem.
Strangely enough, she stopped crying and agreed with me.
Wanted to be sure I would be there on Thursday.
I said I would, and she might have to spend more time locked up, she got a little more teary, but said, "I know."
Anyway, it wasnt nearly as bad as I thought and I am relieved she is safe.
Thank you all for your support.
I have printed out this thread to help me on Thursday.
Anymore words of wisdom are greatly and humbly appreciated.
Thank you again,
Beth
Do you need to be there Thursday? I'm still a lil confused with the Juvenile po vs. Adult po... is she of age? if so... this is her gig... not yours. You are not abandoning her... you are allowing her to feel the full brunt of her choices.
You being there will not contribute to saving her. My two cents.
(hugs)
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