sesh

It's been a while since I started a new thread here, so I just wanted to give you a bit of an update.
My RAH was released from the hospital over 3 weeks ago, and his health keeps improving. (For those of you who don't know my story, he was admitted to hospital 2 months ago, at the last stage of liver cirrhosis and docs thought he's going to die.) His impovement is visible both physically and mentaly, he's bouncing back so well. He is starting very much to resemble the person he used to be before he started drinking. He's thoughtfull and caring. He's started going to meetings and working on his recovery.
So, all in all, everything is the way I prayed for, for years, but... but me. The thing is I changed so much in the passed few months, I worked hard on my recovery, at the time I accepted the fact he's going to die, I told our kids their dad is alcoholic and very sick because of it, and he might die. But he didn't, and of course I'm happy for it, but in the same time I don't really know how I feel about all this. I like him the way he is now, he's the man I fell in love with, I still love him, but still I don't know if I'm able to relax and trust him again. I guess I'm too scared.
I guess it takes time and as the time goes more will be revealed to me. But during the Storm, while all of this was happening I grew strong and I was fine, but it turns out now it's really hard to relax and just be in "normal" mode. It seems normal was so far away from me for years, that now I don't even know how to do it. Or at some level I feel like I just slip into "normal" I kind of take off the importance of all the suffering I went through. I don't know if I really think this, or again it is just plain fear talking.
It is just hard. Proves not even miracles (as it is a miracle he's alive) are too easy to deal with. It all reminds me I have to keep working hard on my own recovery, I have to say I don't feel like my recovery is endangered by any of this, just to say it is long way ahead of me.

I'd really like to hear your thoughts on this. Did any of you have similar experiences?

theuncertainty

Hi, Sesh. I'm afraid I don't have any similar experience to relate. I just wanted to give you a hug and let you know, IMO, it's OK to not know how you feel about things right now. You've been through a lot and it's going to take time to adjust to not having to be in coping mode.

dollydo

I have not had any similar experience, however, I do like your expression of strength. I do believe that strength is a core requirement to healing.

Let's see how this all unfolds, I hope to see a sucess story!

Thumper

Similar but not quite the same

I filed for divorce when I was really and truly done. I think it came a few years *after* I was really and truly done. I had two simultaneous dreams in my head. One was of my husband - finding recovery - becoming the person I 'knew he could be' - getting the family I tried so hard, through sheer will and determination (and lets not forget denial) to move from my head to reality. I also had a second dream in my head - of life without my husband. One in which all the difficulties that alcoholism and my husband created for me just disappeared. I was trying to create one in my real life, and living another in my head. I finally took the step towards making the dream without him a reality.

Then he ran off to rehab and begged me to go to counseling. Which is something I had spent a long time wishing for. I hated him for that and a million other things. You can read some of my first posts about how confused I was, and stuck in some of my thinking. You are not there I can tell. In the end I could not erase the past. People here helped me realize it was OK to honor my experience. It was to much and I had spent to long wishing for the reality I was now moving towards. My xah did not maintain his recovery. He returned to drinking - blaming it on me of course.

But yes, I think I understand a little bit how shocking it can be to suddenly realize you can never go back. Things can never go back to how they were before alcoholism entered the picture.

Freedom1990

Sesh, I don't know if you've ever seen the baby mobile analogy I use, but I'll talk about it a bit.

Active alcoholism is like a baby mobile hanging over a crib, with the alcoholic, family, and friends all being pieces dangling from the mobile.

It's balanced. Everyone has their role in relation to the alcoholic. Ever seen a baby reach for a piece on the mobile and it sways, tips, and then balances again?

That's the dynamic of active alcoholism. Everyone is trying to maintain balance.

Now cut a piece of that mobile off, that is, the alcoholic gets into recovery and finds sobriety.

The mobile is wildly tipping, trying to achieve balance, and everyone is confused on their role now.

The good news is, you've already begun the journey of recovery for yourself. Whether he remains sober or not, you can depend on yourself for your own program of recovery. You are there for you!

It's perfectly natural not to know what 'normal' is. It's okay to feel all the feelings you have today.

Active alcoholism hurts. It damages us. We don't get well overnight, nor should we be expected to just go with the flow once the alcoholic gets sober.

We have a right to heal in our own time, with our own program.

I carried that damage around inside of me for 13 years after I left the EXAH because I refused to look at anything other than recovery from my own alcoholism/addictions.

You're doing great!

ItsmeAlice

I think before you put any high expectation on yourself to be "normal" you consider that both of you are so far from where you started and I sincerely doubt you want to go back in time and do it all again.

You are now the sum of all your experiences including the past two months. You are not the person he used to know certainly and both of you will need time to get to know what this new Sesh is all about. Put anymore expectations on it than that, and your setting yourself up for a struggle.

You see glimpses of the man he used to be, but he is essentially a very different person. He is now a recoverying alcholoic and will be for the rest of his days. He has been given the miracle of having those days alive and sober and, as you have wisely discovered, you need to be patient and see how the changes affect him, for good or bad.

My mother and I had a real soul searching discussion about my recovery and the changes I've gone through. My Mom made a comment that she is plesed to have me back again after a decade with my EX and the distance that came from that. I asked her if she thought she could learn to like the new me. She seemed perplexed at first and then understood what I meant. I am not the same person I was when I met my EX. I may want parts of my old life back and may have the same old dreams and goals from back then, but I don't want to be the codependent I was. I desperately needed another person to validate me in a way I thought my family should have. I dumped y emotional baggage 28 years at his feet and thought that was what love was and I didn't place boundaries on my life to protect myself from addictive behaviors, both mine and others.

I have a new start and a new me to enter into it with. With that perspective, I am able to be comfortable with the changes within me. This is my new "normal" and by telling my loved ones that, they see that rather than expecting the same old gal to come around they are taking the time to get to know me all over again.

Good for you for exploring these changes in yourself. It's all part of the recovery process and it works if you work it.

Best wishes!

Alice

coyote21

I kind of understand, I'm kinda sorta like you were during "the storm". But luckily I'm 200 miles away, so no front row seat for me, nor will there be either, I might add.

Where I am is, I've kind of come to terms. I feel sure My axw is going to die from her disease. Just one of those "gut" feeling we talk about here. I've learned to put a lot of weight into those feelings.

I've gone through several phases already, it's quite weird. At first I was like, "o.k., well that doesn't surprise me at all". I kind of always expected it.

Then a few weeks later, it hit me kind of hard, which really surprised me. But in retrospect, I believe I was kind of grieving for the loss it will place on my poor little kid. But I've kind of worked through that too.

Luckily I was able to practice my "new" found, "don't fly off half cocked", which has been one of my most prized character defects. So I was able to stifle myself and NOT say anything to LMC (Little Miss Coyote) about her mom yet.

I've decided to take a wait and see attitude on that. Of course we will have that talk when the time comes.

Your situation completely blows me away. In that, even though I know it must happen once in a while; I really don't believe an alcoholic, who is capable of drinking themselves right up to, and knocking on deaths door, would ever in a million years be able to say, "O.K., I believe I've had quite enough now, thank you very much", and quit for good. (world's longest run-on sentence). You know? Baffling.

Any way, I'm kind of just waiting around. I've prepared myself. I actually believe my recent layoff is kind of part of the "bigger picture" kind of thing, so I"ll have plenty of time for LMC. Weird, huh?

Any way, I feel ya.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Had a semi-morbid, semi-funny thought. About the endless lengths alcoholics will go to to prove us wrong, with regard to you trying to prepare your kids. Mess around and "not die" on us.

ninja7

Hi, sesh! I am glad that your RAH is doing well and goes to recovery group. As long as your RAH is stop drinking and working recovery, your behavior may not be no longer co-dependency whatever you do. You do not need concentrate yourself only. You should work and keep your family with your RAH together and children.

cymbal

I think that I understand what you're saying. I think that for me its the ACoA traits that pop up. As a child I got used to having the rug ripped out from under me, and I kind of expect it to happen still, so when something really good happens, I wait for the other shoe to drop. I don't trust the good things because deep down I feel like maybe I don't deserve it.

I'm very thankful for your husband's miracle! I think anyone who read your threads prayed for recovery and for your children to have their father back. Its like the fairy tale coming true for us (ACoA) in the past. We all wanted to live happily ever after. Maybe that is why its so hard to "trust" it.

Also in my experience sometimes the recovery "fever" wanes after the crisis passes. So the new good behaviors lessen, and we revert back to old behavior patterns. Of course we can continue to choose the recovery path. You will be okay whether or not your husband continues to choose the recovery path. My husband has gotten away from his unfortunately, so maybe my perspective and perception is tainted, but I have to live in my reality without the rose tinted glasses.

Thank you for the update. I'll continue to keep you and your family in my prayers!

KeepPedaling

Hi Sesh. So, is he living with you again? Did the doctors say his liver has improved and is functioning again? Is he gaining weight and everything?
Thanks for the update! Glad you're doing well. I don't blame you for not being able to relax. I think that sounds like a perfectly normal response to all that's happened.

sesh

Thank you all so much for your kind words and understanding.
Freedom, I really like your baby mobile analogy. It makes perfect sense. And I really feel it. I thought a lot for the past few days about the way I feel, and I realized it is not so much fear and inability to trust him what I feel, but more inability to relax in life in general, as I've spent years of my life worrying, hurting, obsessing and agonizing about what he does, and now that I don't there is this huge empty space that needs to be filled with new different behaviours, and that is confusing, as it is new and unfamiliar.
As thinking about the issue of trust I realized I trust him as much as it is possible to trust someone while being realistic, I can see he's serious about his recovery today, and I trust him today, and as for the future, well we can never really know what the future is going to be like and we can expect form it.
Cymbal, I think that sometimes I lose perspective on this that I've just said, as I'm ACOA too. So my life experience has thought me not to trust good things when they are happening. I worked a lot on my recovery and I've managed to face my reality for what it really is and not to expect to have it all figured out right away, but life long habit of feeling unsafe makes me want to have guaranty in the regard of good remaining good forever. The good thing is I'm aware of it, and I'm working on it, and as soon as I become aware of it, when I recognize it as the root of my problem, it kind of resolves it right away, but soon enough I start feeling the fear again, and than I have to remember its root again,... I guess it's process, as old habits die hard.
Aslo I'm finding out the trust issue is big for me only in regard of our kids, as I know all too well what is it like to be in their shoes, and I know they, unlike me now, need their future under a guaranty, and that is hard for me, but I'm finding the comfort in the fact that I can only do what I think is best for them, and hope it will work out well.

I think it all comes down to finding a new balance.

Also, there is this whole issue of my recovery, as my recovery is most important thing to me, as I came so far in it to realize not only mine but my kids well being depends on it. And thus this big need to make sure regardless of what happens to RAH, I need to stay true to my own recovery. And the funniest thing is it is easier to maintain it if RAH is not doing good than if he is. I don't know if this makes sense to you. But if he's not doing good in his own recovery there is this great motivating force in it that makes me want to protect myself and kids, but if he is that is much easier to slip back into magic thinking land. And I'm determined not to let that happen, as I've finally realized my recovery is about me and for me, and not necesseraly related to him at all.
So, Alice, what you said makes great sense.
And Thumper, I guess there is a bit of an issue for me in regard to honoring my experience, as I have to incorporate it too in finding my new balance in life.

KeepPedaling, yes he moved back in with us when he left the hospital, he had no other place to go, it wasn't like I've decided Ok this is it now, he's back with us and everything is going to be just peachy, it's more like I've decided I'll give him a chance to try, but still I have my boundaries firmly set, and I reserve my right to change my mind about having him here, once he feels better.
And docs are really pleased with his recovery, his liver is improving constantly, he is already taken off some pills, he's gaining weight, his blood tests are so much better and even doc said it's almost a miracle how well he's doing. Doc believes all of this is mostly due to the fact RAH is so young (38). All mental problems seem to be gone too, he speaks and thinks well. He's not moody, he's just his old self, and that is so confusing, as I kind of expect him to be selfish and moody and all the rest that's typical for early recovery, but none of it is happening yet. He just seems to happy he's alive.

And for me I just have to work on my balance, keep being patient and doing the next right thing, and above all I have to work on my own recovery.

sesh

Hi Coyote,
I wanted to address your post separately, also my previous one was way too long, so I was afraid if I write some more in it no one will read it.

I've been reading your earlier threads before, and just wanted to say I think your doing great.


I know that gut feeling all too well. I think it is the hardest thing in the world to come to terms with it. I saw my RAH few days before he went to the hospital (at the time he was refusing to go to docs), he was drinking heavily at the time, he looked horrible, and I knew that might be the last time I ever see him, as it was so painfully obvious he will not be alive for much longer. I asked him if he knows, and he said: Yes, but I don't think it is that bad just yet. It broke my heart. There he was, standing in front of me, possibly for the last time ever, and at that point so many things became irrelevant, I don't know if I can even explain it right, but it just became so clear to me what a struggle it has all been to him, and also that his struggle and the loss that is coming can not even been compared to mine. So I thought to myself OK this is the last time I'm ever going to see him, so what do I want to say to him. And than out of the blue I apologized. Don't get me wrong I didn't /don't think it is my fault or anything like it, but I just wanted to apologize for everything I did wrong, and I told him I forgive him. And I really did. Since than I don't have any anger or resentment, I just see him as a separate human being, who made bad choices in his life. Yes those choices have affected me deeply, but only as much as I let them. And yes his choices affected our kids too, but in the same time there is my responsibility in it too, as I could have protected them better, and also I could have been a better mum, and not be around them miserable all the time.

So I think you're doing a very good job, distancing yourself and LMC (I love that you call her this) from all that madness. I understand she's very young, and I'm sure when the time is right you'll tell her all she needs to know. In my experience once I told my kids (12 and 7 yo) the truth, thus validating their reality, it made such a great difference, and they both started feeling so much better. It turns out all those previous years by not telling them the truth as wanting to protect them, I was actually hurting them even more.

Yes it is strange, isn't it. I'm feeling buffed by it myself, not to say I'm confident he'll stay true to his recovery, if nothing else than by the fact that he hasn't have a drink in 2 months, and even more that he says that he himself doesn't know how it is possible, but he doesn't even feel like drinking at all. Go figure.
But on the other hand, him being alive is such a miracle, that maybe he's aware of it himself and it is making a whole difference. I'm trying to stay humble and let HP work.

I like you last thought. But the simple truth is if it wasn't for that I wouldn't be were I am today. And I'm so grateful for this place where I am today, that I think all that pain was worth it. I don't know if that makes sense to you. I think it goes the same for the kids, of course that was so hard on them, it caused them so much pain, but in the same time they got the full picture, there is no doubt in their mind any more what happens with people who abuse alcohol, and also they've learned that life consists of both good and bad. It was really hard lesson to learn, but I think, in the long run it will do them more good than bad. As now their whole reality has been validated, and we all share our reality. There is a comfort in that. And I know this for a fact as I'm a ACOA, and my dad was so often sick when I was young and no one ever told me the reason for it. I couldn't change the fact what their dad is very sick and possibly dying but the fact I could give them the reason why makes so much difference. I wish I had that when I was a child.

RollTide

"I think it all comes down to finding a new balance."

Yes. I completely agree.

SoloMio

Sesh, having been through recovery/relapse/recovery/relapse I can completely understand what you are going through.

The biggest things I learned in the process is that life does not get better as if waving a magic wand. This is because the codie and the RA have been so enmeshed in the previous dance that it's really hard to break rhythm without falling once or twice.

What happens is all the issues that were glossed over because of the drinking are suddenly laid bare, and you have to deal with them in the marriage--and you have the added hurdle of doing that when both of you are still reeling from the whole alcoholic roller coaster. It's like juggling while balancing on a big ball. Counseling is really helpful, if you can do it. If not, you must set some ground rules with RAH about how you are going to communicate from here on out. It's still important that you don't tolerate verbal abuse because you want to cut him slack--"after all, he's working so hard on his recovery." It's not even a matter of RElearning effective communication styles--most of us, codie and RAH alike--have never learned how to really communicate to begin with. So it's really difficult, and that's the main reason you still don't feel like Cinderella putting the foot into the glass slipper.

The other thing is, codies can get SO entrenched in their roles that they lose their identity when you all of a sudden have a "partner" who is starting to pick up their share of the relationship. It's really weird to think there's something you miss about being the "strong one." But it's true! You really have to kiss that role good-bye, and allow your partner to take his place at your side, rather than dismissing them or treating them like children, which is how we tend to treat them as the disease takes over. That part is not easy either. All the more reason to create a self that is NOT bound at the hip with the RAH in any way.

Finally, there's always the feeling, "when is the other shoe going to drop?" My AH spent 5 years sober, and it was such a wonderful change for the entire family, but I would worry, "but what if he goes back to drinking." It's almost like post-traumatic stress syndrome. You find it very hard to trust the future and let it all go. The "but what if's.." are over your head as long as you let yourself be driven by the past and the future, but not the present. Enjoy rebuilding your family, don't worry about what comes next.

Those are the big things I experienced. So be gentle on yourself, have reasonable expectations, and realize that sobriety is not just the end of the book, but the beginning of a whole new chapter. Take a breather, and then take one step at a time.