How to deal....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: las vegas nv
Posts: 13
How to deal....
It's been three weeks since I last seen my boyfriend. His family is keeping us away from all contact. This has been very hard on me. I know I need to take a step back and let him recover, but I don't know what to do. They took him to another state and I won't be seeing him until he recovers. I'm a mess...
We lived together and not coming home to him and not sharing our lives together has been very hard on me. He was abusing Heroin & Oxycodone. He hit rock bottom. He is a doctor and his future is uncertain at this point. He wrote to me the other day, but I don't understand why he doesn't call me. This is killing me. He states that he is still in pain and he is not doing well. It hurts me to hear that, I just wish this would go away sooner than later. But I know I have to be patient. I love him very much, but what do I do? I need some advise. How do I deal with this? There's not a minute that goes by that I don't think about us. I don't know how to keep my mind off of him. This is hard on me because I know nothing regarding his recovery. He has been a part of my life for three years and this is like a death. I tell myself that I'm going to give it 6 months for things to get better, but my heart says to wait a lifetime for him. I don't know what to expect from all of this. I would love to hear from someone, perhaps you can put it all in perspective for me. I'm really sad and I've lost all intrest in most things. I'm wishing for a better tomorrow, but I don't know what to make out of all this. I'm just hoping that all of this passes soon enough. He has put me through hell with all his lies and not to mention all of the money I lent him, of which I will never see. I sometimes doubt his love for me and get angry for allowing him to use me, I feel stupid. At times I want to give up and tell myself I deserve better, but I know that he is a beautiful person and he was sick, not in the right state of mind. But I have to think about me and my future. I need advice. We have a dog and his family wants him to give him up. I told him I will drive 10hrs to come pick him up and care for him until he recovers, but they do not want me near him, So I doubt there wil be a chance of me seeing him. I'm so lost... but I have to be hopeful and have faith that things can only get better. I miss our life before all of this. I look forward to hearing from someone... thanks
We lived together and not coming home to him and not sharing our lives together has been very hard on me. He was abusing Heroin & Oxycodone. He hit rock bottom. He is a doctor and his future is uncertain at this point. He wrote to me the other day, but I don't understand why he doesn't call me. This is killing me. He states that he is still in pain and he is not doing well. It hurts me to hear that, I just wish this would go away sooner than later. But I know I have to be patient. I love him very much, but what do I do? I need some advise. How do I deal with this? There's not a minute that goes by that I don't think about us. I don't know how to keep my mind off of him. This is hard on me because I know nothing regarding his recovery. He has been a part of my life for three years and this is like a death. I tell myself that I'm going to give it 6 months for things to get better, but my heart says to wait a lifetime for him. I don't know what to expect from all of this. I would love to hear from someone, perhaps you can put it all in perspective for me. I'm really sad and I've lost all intrest in most things. I'm wishing for a better tomorrow, but I don't know what to make out of all this. I'm just hoping that all of this passes soon enough. He has put me through hell with all his lies and not to mention all of the money I lent him, of which I will never see. I sometimes doubt his love for me and get angry for allowing him to use me, I feel stupid. At times I want to give up and tell myself I deserve better, but I know that he is a beautiful person and he was sick, not in the right state of mind. But I have to think about me and my future. I need advice. We have a dog and his family wants him to give him up. I told him I will drive 10hrs to come pick him up and care for him until he recovers, but they do not want me near him, So I doubt there wil be a chance of me seeing him. I'm so lost... but I have to be hopeful and have faith that things can only get better. I miss our life before all of this. I look forward to hearing from someone... thanks
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Welcome to SR! 
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having a loved one who is an addict is very scary, and while I hate the situation, I'm glad you found this site. There are lots of great people here with lots of experience and wisdom in regards to these very situations. I'm sure more will come along and post later.
It sounds like you're doing a lot of worrying about him. Let me ask you this: How have YOU been lately? Boyfriend issues aside, what have YOU done for YOU in the last three weeks? Or even longer than that???
So many of us allow our world to stand still while we wait on the edge of our seats for our addicts to magically heal right away and come running back to us with open arms, ready to apologize for all the pain they have sent our way. Unfortunately, we all learn the hard way that the world does keep moving regardless of how our addict is doing, and that if we don't take care of ourselves, we will get sucked in to their problems and go under with them.
I hope you'll take the time to read some of the other threads, and even the stickys at the top of the forum, as there is a wealth of information there. And please keep coming back to post and let us know how you're doing, ask more questions, or just hang out anytime you need support. We're always around. :ghug3
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having a loved one who is an addict is very scary, and while I hate the situation, I'm glad you found this site. There are lots of great people here with lots of experience and wisdom in regards to these very situations. I'm sure more will come along and post later.
It sounds like you're doing a lot of worrying about him. Let me ask you this: How have YOU been lately? Boyfriend issues aside, what have YOU done for YOU in the last three weeks? Or even longer than that???
So many of us allow our world to stand still while we wait on the edge of our seats for our addicts to magically heal right away and come running back to us with open arms, ready to apologize for all the pain they have sent our way. Unfortunately, we all learn the hard way that the world does keep moving regardless of how our addict is doing, and that if we don't take care of ourselves, we will get sucked in to their problems and go under with them.
I hope you'll take the time to read some of the other threads, and even the stickys at the top of the forum, as there is a wealth of information there. And please keep coming back to post and let us know how you're doing, ask more questions, or just hang out anytime you need support. We're always around. :ghug3
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
To me,putting your life on hold, waiting for someone else to return or recover isn't a logical thought process.
If your entire being is hinged on him, then you are codependent. Go to the bookstore or library and get a book called Codependent No More, it may get you headed un the right direction.
As for your BF, it is best that he works solely on his recovery, you do not need to talk to him, this is his battle to fight, not yours. His family obviously does not want you around him, so take their indirect advice and move forward with your life.
I am sorry that you are going through this, however, everything happens for a reason. This is not the end of the world, tomorrow is a new day, get up, get out, get busy living your life.
To me,putting your life on hold, waiting for someone else to return or recover isn't a logical thought process.
If your entire being is hinged on him, then you are codependent. Go to the bookstore or library and get a book called Codependent No More, it may get you headed un the right direction.
As for your BF, it is best that he works solely on his recovery, you do not need to talk to him, this is his battle to fight, not yours. His family obviously does not want you around him, so take their indirect advice and move forward with your life.
I am sorry that you are going through this, however, everything happens for a reason. This is not the end of the world, tomorrow is a new day, get up, get out, get busy living your life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((formyaddict)) - welcome to SR!
I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I've been through something similar. It wasn't until after I developed my OWN addiction that I realized the truth in what people said...."addiction is forever".
Putting down the drugs is the easy part. He will have to literally change his life and work, every day, to STAY clean. I've been clean for over 3 years. It hasn't been hard, for quite a while, for me to stay clean, but I want it more than anything in my life.
I agree with the above posters and highly recommend the book ((Dollydo)) recommended. I was so codie (codependent) I've had 3 XABF's (ex addict boyfriends). I never realized I was following a pattern in myself. I've been working on changing me, again, to not repeat this pattern.
Please keep reading and posting.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I've been through something similar. It wasn't until after I developed my OWN addiction that I realized the truth in what people said...."addiction is forever".
Putting down the drugs is the easy part. He will have to literally change his life and work, every day, to STAY clean. I've been clean for over 3 years. It hasn't been hard, for quite a while, for me to stay clean, but I want it more than anything in my life.
I agree with the above posters and highly recommend the book ((Dollydo)) recommended. I was so codie (codependent) I've had 3 XABF's (ex addict boyfriends). I never realized I was following a pattern in myself. I've been working on changing me, again, to not repeat this pattern.
Please keep reading and posting.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: las vegas nv
Posts: 13
me
[QUOTE=ladyamalthea;
It sounds like you're doing a lot of worrying about him. Let me ask you this: How have YOU been lately? Boyfriend issues aside, what have YOU done for YOU in the last three weeks? Or even longer than that??? :ghug3[/QUOTE]
I've been a mess. I guess not knowing what lies for our future, when all I had so much hope for us and thinking things could only get better. I just go to work and try to keep myself busy. But I only worry myself with every passing day. The past couple of months have been nothing but hell for me. But these three weeks have been the toughest not knowing anything about him. This time away has only made me sick. I'm not codependent on him, we we're a team. I do think about me, but not having our life together is rough. I hope I hear from him, I really do miss him.
Thank you for your kind words.... they mean a lot during this tough time in my life.
It sounds like you're doing a lot of worrying about him. Let me ask you this: How have YOU been lately? Boyfriend issues aside, what have YOU done for YOU in the last three weeks? Or even longer than that??? :ghug3[/QUOTE]
I've been a mess. I guess not knowing what lies for our future, when all I had so much hope for us and thinking things could only get better. I just go to work and try to keep myself busy. But I only worry myself with every passing day. The past couple of months have been nothing but hell for me. But these three weeks have been the toughest not knowing anything about him. This time away has only made me sick. I'm not codependent on him, we we're a team. I do think about me, but not having our life together is rough. I hope I hear from him, I really do miss him.
Thank you for your kind words.... they mean a lot during this tough time in my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: las vegas nv
Posts: 13
me
[QUOTE=ladyamalthea;
It sounds like you're doing a lot of worrying about him. Let me ask you this: How have YOU been lately? Boyfriend issues aside, what have YOU done for YOU in the last three weeks? Or even longer than that??? :ghug3[/QUOTE]
I've been a mess. I guess not knowing what lies for our future, when all I had so much hope for us and thinking things could only get better. I just go to work and try to keep myself busy. But I only worry myself with every passing day. The past couple of months have been nothing but hell for me. But these three weeks have been the toughest not knowing anything about him. This time away has only made me sick. I'm not codependent on him, we we're a team. I do think about me, but not having our life together is rough. I hope I hear from him, I really do miss him.
Thank you for your kind words.... they mean a lot during this tough time in my life.
It sounds like you're doing a lot of worrying about him. Let me ask you this: How have YOU been lately? Boyfriend issues aside, what have YOU done for YOU in the last three weeks? Or even longer than that??? :ghug3[/QUOTE]
I've been a mess. I guess not knowing what lies for our future, when all I had so much hope for us and thinking things could only get better. I just go to work and try to keep myself busy. But I only worry myself with every passing day. The past couple of months have been nothing but hell for me. But these three weeks have been the toughest not knowing anything about him. This time away has only made me sick. I'm not codependent on him, we we're a team. I do think about me, but not having our life together is rough. I hope I hear from him, I really do miss him.
Thank you for your kind words.... they mean a lot during this tough time in my life.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
formyaddict - welcome to sr! you will find much help here - please read and learn as much as possible - unfortunately, your addict will not "recover" and come home to you - your addict, hopefully, will move into a recovering addict phase of his life - that is the best possible outcome - he will always be an addict and the dream you have for your life with him will have to be adjusted to allow for that if you choose to stay with him - when i finally accepted that my son is an addict and the relationship i have with my other two sons will always be different than the one i have with him - i love him and we actually do have a good relationship, but his addiction will always be there to consider on some level and that has been a hard thing for me to accept - try to take this time to work on you and take care of yourself
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Don't think of it as giving up... think of it as being realistic.
Have you ever been to a nar-anon or al-anon meeting? It's one of the best things I've ever done to work on my recovery. Think about giving them a try, even if you just go and listen to what everyone else is saying.
Have you ever been to a nar-anon or al-anon meeting? It's one of the best things I've ever done to work on my recovery. Think about giving them a try, even if you just go and listen to what everyone else is saying.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
It would also be wise to educate yourself on addiction. I can say I felt that same way when my exabf went into rehab but then I woke up. A true meaningful relationship isn't suppose to feel this way.
Please read around. You are welcome to read my old posts as well. I was the biggest fan of my addict and wanted to stick it through but sticking it through for me nearly killed me and I'm far more important than anyone (sounds selfish) but I had to think this way to get out. In all honesty, my son is the most important but I couldn't be anything stable to him chasing behind some addict who half loved me on his good days and then didn't love me at all when he was using.
Please read around. You are welcome to read my old posts as well. I was the biggest fan of my addict and wanted to stick it through but sticking it through for me nearly killed me and I'm far more important than anyone (sounds selfish) but I had to think this way to get out. In all honesty, my son is the most important but I couldn't be anything stable to him chasing behind some addict who half loved me on his good days and then didn't love me at all when he was using.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: las vegas nv
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
[
these may be things you want to look at and examine.......supposedly right now he's off trying to get better, healthy and well........are you feeling better, healthy and well right now?
these may be things you want to look at and examine.......supposedly right now he's off trying to get better, healthy and well........are you feeling better, healthy and well right now?
I have read every posting on this site and I will take everyone's advise.
Except I will NOT move on and leave him. I will stick it though as I promised him I would. Maybe it's worth it, maybe it's not, only time will tell.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I don't know what to do.
go to an alanon meeting and start working the 12 steps with a sponsor.
Work the recovery you hope he's working.
He'll call you when he gets out. Guaranteed. But if you are an unhealthy basket case, that won't be helpful to his recovery at all.
And you want to be a positive influence, right?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: las vegas nv
Posts: 13
It's very hard not knowing what to do, when you are left behind.
It's hard to gt though the days without him.
It's hard going to bed and waking up without him.
It's hard hard having dinner along without him
I'm not chasing after anyone... It's just my life has been turned upside down
and I've never been though this.
I do know, that I will never turn my back on him.
There is a reason why he is in recovery, and I know he will overcome.
It's the space that is killing me and not knowing what is going on.
But I just have to be patient and hope for the best.
It's hard to gt though the days without him.
It's hard going to bed and waking up without him.
It's hard hard having dinner along without him
I'm not chasing after anyone... It's just my life has been turned upside down
and I've never been though this.
I do know, that I will never turn my back on him.
There is a reason why he is in recovery, and I know he will overcome.
It's the space that is killing me and not knowing what is going on.
But I just have to be patient and hope for the best.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
If you are willing to sit around and put your life on hold and be miserable while waiting for someone who may never come around, far be it from any of us to deny you that privilege. It sounds like he has pretty much moved on. So, yeah.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: las vegas nv
Posts: 13
THANK YOU!!!!
I will do as you all say....
You are right, I can't be of any use if I don't understand.
Being in bed in fetal position isn't helping me at all.
I need to he healthy and strong.
I will do as you all say....
You are right, I can't be of any use if I don't understand.
Being in bed in fetal position isn't helping me at all.
I need to he healthy and strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: las vegas nv
Posts: 13
My boyfriend is a Doctor in the ER, he has to follow a 90 days extensive detox and rehab to retain his license and be able to practice medicine again.
So NO he hasn't moved on, he is in another state trying to recover, so WE can have our life back.
And I too work, my life can't be placed on hold. I have to continue with my career.
So NO he hasn't moved on, he is in another state trying to recover, so WE can have our life back.
And I too work, my life can't be placed on hold. I have to continue with my career.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
Not to rain on your parade or anything, but what if, after he finishes his rehab and is back practicing medicine, he decides he doesn't want to return to the relationship? It's something you should prepare for. If you hold on to the expectation that things will go back to the way they were, minus the drinking, and then that doesn't happen, it could throw you for a loop.
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