Enabler,cheerleader and flunking child

Old 07-18-2010, 09:12 PM
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Enabler,cheerleader and flunking child

Have a middle aged family member who is drinking,abusing misc drugs including steroids and is/has been in deep financial poop. All while unemployed and on unemployment. All with an already existing short/demeaning temper.

His live in is his biggest cheerleader and probably enabler. She seems to make sure she is always in agreement with what ever he does and makes sure she does it in front of him. Even other relatives have picked up on this who only see her on the occassional family dinner.

Is she acting out of fear?

Personally we think she is looking for a money train(he was a white collar worker). But what's really messed up is that her younger child from a failed marriage has been flunking school for several years at this point.

Should we bring up the point of his live in's flunking child? Even he has noted the kid is failing school.

As mentioned before we've been waiting for his bottom but will he drag his live in down with him?
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Old 07-18-2010, 09:20 PM
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Can someone in the family help tutor the child? Or assist in getting one?

Yes, he will drag live in down with him. That is the nature of alcoholism/addiction.
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Old 07-18-2010, 09:39 PM
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Yeah... live in will definitely go down with him if they don't let go.

My parents have lost their house, their credit, their retirement, and most of their valuables to my sister's heroin problem- some from her or her friends stealing from them to pawn their items for drug money, some from them overextending their own finances to "save" her- pay her rent and utilities, etc. And unfortunately, they are not abnormal as far as people in their situation is concerned.

Unfortunately, the thing I have had to learn the hard way, though, is that we have to be careful of our own involvement in other's attempts to help an addict. I too was sucked in to my sister's addiction for a while, because I kept attempting to "correct" what my parents were doing. I knew what they needed to do, and they weren't listening to me, and that only made me want to work harder to convince them to do the right thing. Be careful that you don't go down that path; it isn't much fun either.
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Old 07-18-2010, 10:22 PM
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long distance

Unfortunetly the travel distance makes tutoring the child or even watching the child difficult. The scary part is that we've seen the live in over our house frequently over the years on a school night without her child. I don't think the mom realizes the impact of her behavior. The few times we've seen the kid she's polite and not an idiot. What makes me nervous even more is that he keeps harping you should only do what you passion is in life-unless you love your job don't work there-this is part of his & her unemployment problem. She's on the verge of welfare if not food stamps.

Two unemployed adults hanging around drinking alcohol can't even set a good example for the kid. She seems to have relatives and friends who'll watch the kid on occassion but I can't see this helping the kid always wondering who is going to baby sit them.

I hate to say it but I'd rather play 'consultant' on this and that's if I'm given the oppurtunity. He seems to feel the kid has an attitude problem so the failing doesn't seem to be technical problem. I can't believe the school hasn't called the mom in to see why her child is constantly flunking. I think lady is right- they'll drag everybody down including the kid and family members they're into for over 5 figures in dollars.
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Old 07-18-2010, 10:30 PM
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The child is innocent and is being damaged.
Is it a situation where family services need to be called and notified?
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Old 07-18-2010, 10:47 PM
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At what point to you intervene

I guess that's the point of my thread. At what point do you intervene or can you intervene.

What do you tell someone like child services-the kid is flunking and the mom is frequently not there? We haven't witnessed any physical abuse. The only thing we could attest to is that the mom was at our house on many a school night without her kid. The problem here is that the big drinker/abuser has a nasty temper on a good day so what happens when they're alone let alone what happens to the child. We keep hoping their financial troubles will force the issue-work a job for money and not a career and at least show the kid you get up and go to work.

I would hope the teachers and counselors at the kid's school have noticed something and have taken appropiate action but you never know. I will say that this last school year mom was over here much less.
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Old 07-18-2010, 10:54 PM
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That's a call only you can make but I will tell you that in my life I will err on the side of the child when in doubt.
I have called social services before on behalf of children.
For instance I once phoned an acquaintance about a simple business transaction and the adult was so bombed out of their mind they couldn't have a coherent thought. I knew there was a 3 yr old in the house. I phoned social services.
Social services are obligated to check into any claim of neglect on behalf of a child.
The child is an innocent victim in an addicted home, I consider it abuse.
That's my 2 cents on it.
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Old 07-18-2010, 11:06 PM
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Originally Posted by thequest View Post
I can't believe the school hasn't called the mom in to see why her child is constantly flunking.
Just a few questions about this aspect of the post:

-how old is the child? You called the child younger, but he/she couldn't be that young if they have been failing several years...

-are you certain the school hasn't been calling? Just because the addict says the school hasn't called doesn't make that true... and I find it hard to believe that the school hasn't tried to contact mom somehow, even if it's just to test for special education services or something. It really sounds to me like there's more to that part of the story.

-a flunking child is not necessarily a sign of abuse or neglect. Unfortunately, we are in a time where educators can get in trouble if they point fingers when there's not enough evidence (bruises, comments from the child, etc); but then we also can get in trouble if we don't act when we should. It's a very thin line we walk every day.

Professionals in education can get in trouble if they jump the gun on contacting social services.... but you as an individual cannot. I say go ahead and call... at least maybe having social services pay the mom a visit may get her attention and convince her to get that kid out of there.
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Old 07-18-2010, 11:13 PM
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The kid isn't out of grade school yet. Nor are they in their teens. Hopefully time will motivate the kid to get a diploma just to go away to college or join the service or something.

I'm hoping and guessing the school has challenged the mom simply because of her decreased time over here.
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Old 07-18-2010, 11:22 PM
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If the school hasn't been contacting the mom, how does she know that the child is flunking? If she doesn't care enough to contact them if she's finding out through report cards in the mail, then she really does need a wakeup call. Because I promise you that child will end up in high school with absolutely no motivation to pass any classes, and it will be a miracle at that point if they graduate. Because as much as lower grades schools taut threats of retaining students in this grade level or that one, I see kids make it into high school all the time that should have been held back, because at some point they go ahead and pass them anyways for the sake of not keeping them too far back from their own age group.

And it sounds great to say that, in time, the kid would be motivated to graduate and go to college... but the other reality that few ever talk about is that, in most states, funding stops for public school once a student reaches a certain age, usually 21 (unless there are special education retardation situations involved). So when a student gets to be old enough and far enough behind that there is no way they can graduate before then, a lot of times they will be encouraged to get a GED and start working or going to a technical college.

If you have any inkling of a thought that social services should get involved, now is the time to do it, while the kid is still young enough to hopefully have a more positive influence in their life. Don't worry about what to tell them. Just tell them the truth.
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Old 07-18-2010, 11:26 PM
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I so agree with Lady 100% and they won't reveal who called, so that isn't a worry.
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Old 07-19-2010, 07:57 AM
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One the issues here is the mom. When she has to be convinced by an alcoholic/abusing live in you should go to rountine parent teacher conferences something isn't right. Ironic the live in was no great student himself. I get the impression after a few divorces,money problems and apparently unexpected late in life child the mom is 'done'-she's had it and given up. That's why she tolerates his crap.

But for years we've never been getting a full or accurate story so you just don't know what's going in that house. Apparently the only non problem child the mom has had is living with his father.

One of the reasons I bring this up one of the tactics the live in relative likes to do is 'soften you up' with his stories of whoa for money. Guarantee you unless one of them gets a job soon he will be hitting us up for money in the name of the child. He's unofficially taken on some of the parental responsibilities or so he says but unless they get married and he adopts her as far as I am concerned the mother should be responsible for the child along with the father.

As the facts slowly comeout things slowly but steady get worse.
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Old 07-19-2010, 12:20 PM
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Two issues here....

1) Middle aged family member who drinks, abuses drugs, is in financial poop, unemployed and on unemployment.

What does it matter what this person does? You cannot control this person.

2) The middle aged family member has a live in who has a child who reportedly is not doing well in school. You seem to think this person is in the relationship for money. Given the financial poop, unemployment and all, this makes no sense.

What does it matter what the live in does? You cannot control this person.

Kids flunk school for all sorts of reasons.

No need to speculate or add to the drama. If they hit the family up for $$, no is a complete sentence. That's easier than getting your underwear in a bunch about something you have no control over.
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Old 07-19-2010, 12:21 PM
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Originally Posted by thequest View Post

But for years we've never been getting a full or accurate story so you just don't know what's going in that house.

They do not owe you or anyone a full and accurate story of what goes on in their home. It's none of anyone's business.

As the facts slowly comeout things slowly but steady get worse.
So........?
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Old 07-19-2010, 10:02 PM
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their business becomes our business

Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
Two issues here....

1) Middle aged family member who drinks, abuses drugs, is in financial poop, unemployed and on unemployment.

What does it matter what this person does? You cannot control this person.

2) The middle aged family member has a live in who has a child who reportedly is not doing well in school. You seem to think this person is in the relationship for money. Given the financial poop, unemployment and all, this makes no sense.

What does it matter what the live in does? You cannot control this person.

Kids flunk school for all sorts of reasons.

No need to speculate or add to the drama. If they hit the family up for $$, no is a complete sentence. That's easier than getting your underwear in a bunch about something you have no control over.
I agree we can only do so much. But one of things in this relationship other than us being hit up for money IS or was the amount of money involved in this relationship.

The relative had a very good run including a white collar management position which allowed to him to spend money freely on all his crap and on the live in-this included Carribean vacations,alcohol and food no matter the venue or price. After years together knowing his pay and how freely he spends money I can't but help think she sees a money train. Or maybe it's his connections when it comes to party time.

You try to avoid his 'life' but he seems to go out of the way to tell you what's going and/or live it with him. It's like he wants to be the center of attention. But he also gives you his stories of whoa in an attempt to butter you up for money.

Yes the kid could be flunking for all sorts of reasons. Right off the bat the kid comes from a broken home ie divorced parents. But the amount time the live- in spends OUT on a school night especially makes you wonder. How could you as a child concentrate on pending school work when you don't even know who will be watching you tonight or study when mommy's taking you to a sitter.
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Old 07-19-2010, 10:57 PM
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Originally Posted by thequest View Post
You try to avoid his 'life' but he seems to go out of the way to tell you what's going and/or live it with him. It's like he wants to be the center of attention. But he also gives you his stories of whoa in an attempt to butter you up for money.
Stop making him the center of attention. Heck, consider not listening, just walk away or tell him u you have to run if you are on the phone with him when he goes off on one of his tangents. Once you resolve to not give him another cent, it won't matter what stories he spews.

No is a complete sentence. When you give someone like this a reason, they will use that reason to negotiate.

If she is using him, that's between them. No telling what's going on with the kid. It's not your kid or business, is it?
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Old 09-17-2010, 09:33 PM
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Well at least I'm not the only one thinking what the heck is going on with this enabler's child. Her ex is now seeking custody of the child. Which is actually good in that it wakes everybody up so to speak including the enabler. Also out of the blue all of the sudden they are talking about what you legally should and should not do with a child-good thing.

The bad thing/news is that since blowing all of their money before and during unemployment the financial pressures of properly raising a child have come to bare. Niether the abuser or enabler seem to be handling the additional pressure too well. And yet less than a year ago the child and costs seemed no worry. The family user's temper and temprament are at a fever pitch. I'm hoping the lack of money will lower the alcohol and drug consumption including the steroids/sports supplements. But with long blown finances and the existing associated pressure I hope the child issues don't throw either one over the edge to heavy drinking, using or the CRIME it will take to continue their lifestyle.

I think this is the most pressure and reality they have both had to face their entire lives. I hope it turns things into a wake up call and motivation but I have this gut feeling this is not the bottom yet.
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Old 09-18-2010, 08:06 AM
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the battle begins, the bottom in sight?

Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
Hopefully, the ex is fit enough to get full custody and is able to provide a stable home. I hope he also petitions for very limited supervised, or better yet- no visitation...the child’s welfare should be the priority in this situation.
The child should be and should've been THE priority. The only problem is that these are very good at putting on fronts to just about everyone except a potential employer. I don't think we have been privy to the full story yet but I find it very odd that all of the sudden they are talking about the legal requirements of child care.

Apparently their strategy is going to be a child should be with the mother. She is using free legal services from whom I don't know. Ironically they are blaming the ex for the kid's bad grades-they say he's too easy and yet they were absent from the picture days on end.

I just hope this new pressure doesn't push anyone to do something dumb. The user has a violent/short temper and the enabler is frequently an idiot. The child is stuck in between.
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Old 05-10-2013, 12:34 PM
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Sad update. Found out that the child in question is still having trouble in school 3 years later. Basically a juvenile delinquent at this point. The relationship is all but done but all the ex's involved are apparently still frequently see each other. Child sounds confused along with a lack of a stable HOME life that doesn't require visiting the signifigant adults in their life. I guess if the mom enabled & tolerated an adults with drugs & alcohol problems she's not doing much better with her child. If alkies and addicts don't think about consequences how can they tell that to their kids-that actions/in action have consequences.
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